Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH - clingy and guilt tripping

32 replies

exhausted73 · 23/03/2025 09:21

Sorry - long rant! My H and I have been together 30+ years, 2 DC in teens/20's. We have been lucky enough to have come back from a long trip abroad, which was really great, and we had a wonderful time together. But now we are back he is so clingy (its only been a week). A few days before we came back he said how much he had loved "having me all to himself" - and tbh my alarms bells were ringing as this has been a bit of an issue before. I am self employed and have a massive catch up to do with both with work/clients/admin etc, and of course also with my kids, parents, friends etc as well. I've had a busy week since we have been back - but I've been home every evening. My husband has done a few days work but is not back full time for another 2 weeks. He has been super off with me for days, making guilt tripping comments all the time like "don't forget about me", "I want to be back in xxx, you were really affectionate to me then", "you're not bothered about me now we are home", "we haven't had any alone time" (he means sex). Last night he said to me that I should be spending more time with him, that I seem to be avoiding him, going to work earlier than I need to (I have gone 45 mins early a couple of days so I can go to the gym) and I can't be that busy as I have had time to meet a friend for a walk and have my hair cut (when I could have been with him). He also said I didn't seem enthusiastic when he mention a summer holiday (a - we had said we weren't having one this year, b - this was 2 days after we got home c - he has NEVER done anything to book holidays and I don't have the capacity to think about this right now). He also said that when he goes back to work fully I should plan my work days to match his days off (he works a lot of weekends and has some week days off - I do try to have at least one full day off with him but I cannot run my business to suit his days off, and this first week back that simply wasn't an option). He always to know what I am doing work wise - I can't just say "going to to work in my office" - he wants to know when I have a break in the day, and I feel like I have to explain what work I am doing (ie admin, client work etc). Then this morning he was up, dressed and ready for work - I was on my laptop in bed. He came back into the bedroom just as I messaged my DD to see if she wanted a tea (she was getting up for work), I offered him a tea too. I was gone less than 2 minutes and when I came out of the kitchen he was putting his shoes on and storming off to work early saying "I came back to sit in bed with you and you left". I know he is having the "trip come down" but this clinginess is not new. It has the opposite effect to what he wants as it makes me anxious to be near him. I need to set boundaries and have a conversation but really struggle to do this - I will either get guilt tripping or anger. I now feel like I am walking around on eggshells, looking at my diary for next week and considering what things he will get shitty about me doing, and I am not wanting to spend time with him now as I feel it is not my option now and I am only doing it to avoid his reaction. I can't live with wondering if making a cup of tea with my daughter will get that sort of reaction. He thinks he is being totally reasonable.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 23/03/2025 09:36

Has this started since your holiday or has he always been clingy. How would he react if you were to go out with friends for an evening without him.

Fluffyholeysocks · 23/03/2025 09:51

Gosh, that sounds suffocating, the way you've written your post makes him sound like a needy anxious child. It seems he has unreasonable expectations, you book all the holidays he wants, you arrange your days off around his days off, you need to be where he expects you to be .... How on earth do you find this weak man attractive?
Why does his needs trump yours? You've been trained not to question this unreasonableness because in your own words you are ' walking on eggshells to avoid his reaction'.
Tell him you are suffocated, tell him you have friends, family and work. Does he not do anything away from you?

FortyElephants · 23/03/2025 10:16

He's always been like this? Unfortunately this is a form of coercive and controlling behaviour. Are there any other aspects of his behaviour that are abusive?

Original poster
exhausted73 · 23/03/2025 10:17

@Bananalanacake There has been a degree of clinginess before. Not when we were first together but definitely in the last 10 years or so. He would never stop me going out (and would say that exactly) but he might say things when I am going out like "you look lovely - you always dress up when you are going out with other people"....so it's a very back handed comment. I have stopped giving a time I will be back - and say things like - who knows, some time between 10 - 11.30pm, depends how chatty we are - as it used to be if I said 10pm and then got back at 10.30pm I would be told I was late or that he waited up for me. I feel like shifting sands - as other times he will just say "have a good time" but I guess I am always a bit prepared for the other comments

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 23/03/2025 10:20

That would have me running and screaming a long time ago, yuk.

Jubbly2841 · 23/03/2025 10:21

Why do call this behaviour clingy? It’s controlling.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/03/2025 10:32

You have the patience of a saint

FinallyHere · 23/03/2025 10:34

its sounds really suffocating. He sounds as if he doesn’t have enough to do.

I’d encourage you to refuse to answer any questions about your schedule. Just laugh when he asks as if he too is joking. Good luck.

friendlycat · 23/03/2025 10:51

That is really controlling behaviour, not being clingy.

He really does have issues that are way beyond normal.

Obviously you could try counselling with an independent person trying to get through to him about how controlling his behaviour is.

But do you really want to live like this going forward? I know I couldn't.

offmynut · 23/03/2025 11:00

Sounds suffocating clingy and possessive and that only leads to jealousy.

BLKReid · 23/03/2025 11:09

He has a problem…but also knows your allowing him to be the way he is….underhand controlling…do what you want to do, when you want, who you want etc …his put You through the mill, now it’s time for you to take over and make the changes…you don’t want to have regrets do you

thepariscrimefiles · 23/03/2025 11:38

He sounds like a controlling nightmare. It also sounds counter-productive because his clingy behaviour will drive you away rather than make you want to spend more time with him.

GuevarasBeret · 23/03/2025 11:41

exhausted73 · 23/03/2025 09:21

Sorry - long rant! My H and I have been together 30+ years, 2 DC in teens/20's. We have been lucky enough to have come back from a long trip abroad, which was really great, and we had a wonderful time together. But now we are back he is so clingy (its only been a week). A few days before we came back he said how much he had loved "having me all to himself" - and tbh my alarms bells were ringing as this has been a bit of an issue before. I am self employed and have a massive catch up to do with both with work/clients/admin etc, and of course also with my kids, parents, friends etc as well. I've had a busy week since we have been back - but I've been home every evening. My husband has done a few days work but is not back full time for another 2 weeks. He has been super off with me for days, making guilt tripping comments all the time like "don't forget about me", "I want to be back in xxx, you were really affectionate to me then", "you're not bothered about me now we are home", "we haven't had any alone time" (he means sex). Last night he said to me that I should be spending more time with him, that I seem to be avoiding him, going to work earlier than I need to (I have gone 45 mins early a couple of days so I can go to the gym) and I can't be that busy as I have had time to meet a friend for a walk and have my hair cut (when I could have been with him). He also said I didn't seem enthusiastic when he mention a summer holiday (a - we had said we weren't having one this year, b - this was 2 days after we got home c - he has NEVER done anything to book holidays and I don't have the capacity to think about this right now). He also said that when he goes back to work fully I should plan my work days to match his days off (he works a lot of weekends and has some week days off - I do try to have at least one full day off with him but I cannot run my business to suit his days off, and this first week back that simply wasn't an option). He always to know what I am doing work wise - I can't just say "going to to work in my office" - he wants to know when I have a break in the day, and I feel like I have to explain what work I am doing (ie admin, client work etc). Then this morning he was up, dressed and ready for work - I was on my laptop in bed. He came back into the bedroom just as I messaged my DD to see if she wanted a tea (she was getting up for work), I offered him a tea too. I was gone less than 2 minutes and when I came out of the kitchen he was putting his shoes on and storming off to work early saying "I came back to sit in bed with you and you left". I know he is having the "trip come down" but this clinginess is not new. It has the opposite effect to what he wants as it makes me anxious to be near him. I need to set boundaries and have a conversation but really struggle to do this - I will either get guilt tripping or anger. I now feel like I am walking around on eggshells, looking at my diary for next week and considering what things he will get shitty about me doing, and I am not wanting to spend time with him now as I feel it is not my option now and I am only doing it to avoid his reaction. I can't live with wondering if making a cup of tea with my daughter will get that sort of reaction. He thinks he is being totally reasonable.

God, how can you stand it. I feel absolutely sick even reading that.

I don’t know what to advise OP, but I would definitely be having a serious discussion.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2025 11:56

What your your DC think of their dad?

The time for discussion has long since passed re him. He knows what he is doing here and does not care about your feelings. You have a choice re this man and they do not.

He started to up the power and control against you a decade ago and abuse like this is insidious in its onset. Writing walking on eggshells is akin to my mind for living in fear and it is no way for you or they to live. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. You need to rebuild your life.

MattCauthon · 23/03/2025 11:56

Awful. I have a friend who had one of these. The straw that broke the camels back was when he lied about being given a day off so he could gate crash her first day at home alone in months.

I think the only way to deal with this is very clear, very direct responses - you really don't like it that inhave anything in my life besides you, do you?

But the chances he will respond ate almost Jon existent.

I'm quite shocked he hasn't accused you of cheating.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2025 11:58

He will not respect any boundary you care to set him. You’re only supposed to play by his rules in his head and will never cooperate. Abusers never co-operate . Look at his parents op, chances are one if them acts like this too. He really does want to keep you in a cage .
.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2025 11:59

He will never co-operate with you even though you have acted entirely reasonably here.

Maitri108 · 23/03/2025 12:02

He's not clingy he's controlling. Walking on egg shells is your cue that you're in an abusive relationship and storming off/moods/guilt tripping are from the abuser's handbook.

I would contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat , tell them about your relationship and they'll help you clarify what's going on.

Cognacsoft · 23/03/2025 12:04

I would be blunt.
’Dh, you’ll know when I’m rejecting you. And if you don’t stop acting like a clingy toddler it will be sooner rather than later. Now leave me in peace to get some work done.’

Daleksatemyshed · 23/03/2025 12:05

He sounds very insecure and clingy, the holiday is what he wants, just you two, no work, no kids, just all your attention, all the time. Walking on eggshells is never right Op, you can't make your life smaller for him, the more you let him control you the worse it will get.
Was there a big change about ten years ago when this behaviour started?

MoominMai · 23/03/2025 13:01

This. Exactly this is why I had to break off my last relationship. After a few months there came a constant whining about him not being given enough attention or me not thinking about him enough we were apart (whatever that looks like!). Yet he never took the initiative to text or call whenever he felt that way but just a low level burning resentment. I even offered to stay up till after 10pm on weekend nights to keep him company when he was on night shift break but then he expected me to do it on weekdays also which was extremely difficult when I wake between 5-6am for my own FT job. Yet still wasn’t enough attention. I wasn’t even ‘allowed’ to say I was ever tired when we spoke on the phone either as that would send him into a sulk. Ridiculous really. In the end despite him being te most gorgeous looking and otherwise fun guy to be around I realised this kind of behaviour would eventually just worsen and grind me down so heavy hearted I personally ended it. That was just a 2 year relationship so I can’t imagine having to tolerate decades of is nonsense!

Original poster
exhausted73 · 23/03/2025 14:11

@thepariscrimefiles is exactly it - I enjoy being with him when he doesn't behave like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
exhausted73 · 23/03/2025 14:16

@Daleksatemyshed The change is the kids were getting bigger so I had more choice and freedom. Yes he would be happy if it was "just me" - but "just him" is no where near enough in life for me.
@Maitri108 thank you, I will look into that

OP posts:
UraniumArthur · 23/03/2025 14:17

That panicked me even just reading about it. I honestly think I would have one very firm and serious conversation that went along the lines of ‘this needs to improve immediately or this marriage is over’.

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/03/2025 14:19

Ask him if he's aware that you don't "belong" to him and that being part of a couple, married or not, is a voluntary arrangement.

Swipe left for the next trending thread