Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being pushed away for a second time

41 replies

GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 05:44

Good morning everyone

I feel so stupid right now. I met a guy online in 2024 and we got on really well but unfortunately we drifted apart when he suffered the loss of a grandparent who he was exceptionally close with about 6 months later. He didn't contact me for months so I took it with a pinch of salt that we were over. However fast forward about 6 months and he got back InTouch saying things were not working out and that he needed my help so silly me decided to help and we picked up where we were when he left. I helped him by giving him somewhere to sleep for a few nights, I have bought him clothes and even given him money for fuel for his car or money for train tickets so he can come over to mine but now unfortunately he seems to be pushing me away again when his other grandparent is currently unwell. Up until this week things seemed to be going great. Now one minute he texts like he cares the next he is short with me. He suffers from depression which I know is a big part of who he is and I accept that this is part of him however I just don't get what to do. If i message and he doesn't reply I will call then he won't answer and says I am suffocating him. However on the other hand I feel if I don't message him regular he thinks I don't care so I can't win.

Please don't comment any nasty comments like you've asked for it or that i am your desperate. I am just looking for some friendly advice

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 23/03/2025 05:52

Friendly advice, move on

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 23/03/2025 05:52

On the off chance this is actually true, he really has seen you coming. You are being used. He is not interested in you, you are his meal ticket (and everything else ticket). He is treating you terribly and will bleed you dry. Block, delete and move on.

Amsooverthis · 23/03/2025 05:56

I know I'm just being cynical but are you sure these grandparents exist? They are not just an excuse to drop communication? Either way this isn't going anywhere, he's a taker but now you see this don't get taken for a fool any further. You are not his 'fixer' or his keeper. Notch it up to experience and ditch, you've done without him before and you can do without him again, and indeed do better.

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 06:00

Amsooverthis · 23/03/2025 05:56

I know I'm just being cynical but are you sure these grandparents exist? They are not just an excuse to drop communication? Either way this isn't going anywhere, he's a taker but now you see this don't get taken for a fool any further. You are not his 'fixer' or his keeper. Notch it up to experience and ditch, you've done without him before and you can do without him again, and indeed do better.

I understand what you are saying but yeah they do exist.

OP posts:
Remona · 23/03/2025 06:00

He’s a user. The grandparent stuff is likely just lies. Don’t believe a word he tells you. Get rid.

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 06:04

Remona · 23/03/2025 06:00

He’s a user. The grandparent stuff is likely just lies. Don’t believe a word he tells you. Get rid.

The grandparent stuff definitely isn't lies. I know that his grandma definitely did pass away when he drifted away the first time and I have also seen recent photos of his other grandparent that isn't well. It took so much of everyone's strength that they recently had to put the other grandparent into a care home as it was getting too much for family to provide the care he needed. It just so happens that since moving to the care home the other grandparent has took a decline in his health.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 23/03/2025 06:12

I think that it sounds way too much hard work for a newish relationship. I think I'd walk away personally

Strangecat · 23/03/2025 06:26

it’s really hard sometimes to accept that the relationship, person’s character we built in our mind is not the reality. The reality hurts and subconscious you know the truth. Time to say goodbye and move on. He doesn’t have feelings for you and clearly treats you badly. I’ve been in that type of mindset until I learnt to put myself first and started to believe that I deserved much better.

category12 · 23/03/2025 06:38

I think you know what you need to do, because you're expecting answers that tell you basically that you're being used and your self-esteem is through the floor.

You know this isn't right. It's not good enough.

Being needed isn't the same as being loved.

SparklyGlitterballs · 23/03/2025 06:42

Personally I think you shouldn't have spent so much money on someone who pushed you away early in your relationship and then left for months. Now he's doing it again so you have to realise this is who he is. He obviously can't deal with stress in any way so if you did manage to continue any type of relationship with him then you'd have to prepare for him behaving like this any time anything went wrong in his life. As nice as he may be when he's not depressed, think very carefully about whether you'd want to live a life like this. Life is short, and you can't 'cure' him.

MayaPinion · 23/03/2025 06:43

He’s a user. He probably didn’t contact you for six months because he was dating someone else. That didn’t work out - she probably realised he was a cocklodging mouche and dumped him - so he started knocking on your door again. I recommend you dump him. He’s not good enough for you.

DatingDinosaur · 23/03/2025 06:50

You gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time - fair enough. But he's repeating his behaviour. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt this time - he's showing you clearly the kind of person he is and, in turn, it's made you realise he's not the right person for you.

End it or allow it to fizzle out but don't take him back in however many months when you can be useful to him again. A simple "ah that ship has sailed, sorry" will suffice.

MoreChocPls · 23/03/2025 06:52

Move on. Why on earth would you stay with him? Seriously… the choice is a messed up relationship or a new one which could make you happy. No brainer.

shellyleppard · 23/03/2025 06:54

Friendly advice..... he's just using you. Call it quits, block his number and block on social media. From someone who has been through similar

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/03/2025 07:33

Guarantee he's addicted to cocaine.

TwistedWonder · 23/03/2025 07:34

Hrs a user you for a roof over his head and a bit of cash when it suits him.

Why on earth would you bankroll a man you’ve only known a few months, who disappeared and spins you sob stories?

Do you struggle with your self esteem because this man has so many red flags and yet you’re ignoring them and throwing money at him.

Sorry OP but he’s taking you for an absolute mug. Please find your self respect , stop chasing a man who is showing you he doesn’t give a shit unless he wants something out of you and block this loser

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 07:43

he got back InTouch saying things were not working out and that he needed my help so silly me decided to help and we picked up where we were when he left. I helped him by giving him somewhere to sleep for a few nights, I have bought him clothes and even given him money for fuel for his car or money for train tickets so he can come over to mine

How come his family or friends couldn't help him, rather than him asking for help like this off a woman he essentially ghosted 6 months earlier?

Also if he became depressed due to grandparent bereavement and couldn't work (?), how come he didn't apply for UC, pip, ESA (if that's correct) etc and live off that.
Again, why is going to an ex of 6 months with whom he did not have a long relationship (and whom he ghosted) for help?

Remona · 23/03/2025 07:47

Please read your message back to yourself. You’re giving him money for petrol or train tickets to come to you. You’re paying someone to spend time with you. Does that sound like someone who wants to be in a relationship with you or someone who’s using you?

Honestly, he’s milking the grandparent situation. It’s a sob story. It worked on you last time and it’s working on you again. He’s playing you for an absolute fool. Finish it, block him and move on. He’ll soon find someone else to bleed dry.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 07:52

You're too kind/soft op, and he's taken advantage of it.

Just get rid of him.

You've seen more than enough now.

And don't feel obliged to help people you've had short relationships with - people who didn't even end those relationships in decent, respectful way.

It's not your responsibility.

That's his family, the benefits system, and charities; not you.

I would, like other posters, wonder if there is stuff going on with him beyond losing grandparents and being depressed. Because most people don't end up with nowhere to live ,broke etc. due to losing a grandparent. They rarely end relationships they are committed to/value due to losing grandparents either.

CountessWindyBottom · 23/03/2025 07:52

It’s evident from your post that you suffer with low self esteem but every single interaction you have with this user is going to make it sink even further. He is a nasty, selfish, cruel opportunist who couldn’t care less so I’d be doing myself a big favour, block him and move on. Use the money you’d inevitably be handing over to him to get yourself some counselling.

TwistedWonder · 23/03/2025 08:02

OP - is this the same man as your previous thread who told you he had a job working away?

You say you have a child - every penny you waste on this loser is a penny you’re taking away from your DC.

You say in your previous thread you will do anything to make it work with this man and he obviously knows that. He’ll keep on picking you up and putting you down as long as you let him walk over all over you. He’s a freeloader not a partner.

Stop paying him to spend time with you and stop chasing a man who isn’t bothered. You say not to tell you you’re desperate but your behaviour is leaning towards allowing yourself to be a doormat.

Block him and look at doing The Freedom Programme

AltitudeCheck · 23/03/2025 08:06

If he doesn't have a place to sleep, money for petrol or clothes, suffers from depression, is recently bereaved and has an elderly relative to care for and isn't able to communicate consistently and turns to someone he only dated for 6 months a while ago when he hits hard times... then he really doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship and has a lot that he needs to address himself.

Why are you trying to 'fix' him? You'll pour a lot of time, effort, money and emotions into this and you will not get the result you want, please walk away now!

pinkdelight · 23/03/2025 08:19

He sounds extremely unappealing. Remember how you brushed it off the first time and moved on and get that back again, then focus on what YOU WANT in a new partner, which should be positive things not someone needing your help, money, roof etc. It’s okay to be kind and sympathise with depressed, grieving, skint people, but I guarantee that’s not what you put on your dating app wishlist for early relationship romance and happiness. Ditch this user and work on yourself so this won’t happen again.

LollyLand · 23/03/2025 08:20

I’ve been there. The cycle repeats so bow out and leave it in the past.

FatLarrysBanned · 23/03/2025 08:40

He managed before you. He'll manage after you. He sounds like an absolute scrounger. He'll find another meal ticket soon enough.