Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being pushed away for a second time

41 replies

GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 05:44

Good morning everyone

I feel so stupid right now. I met a guy online in 2024 and we got on really well but unfortunately we drifted apart when he suffered the loss of a grandparent who he was exceptionally close with about 6 months later. He didn't contact me for months so I took it with a pinch of salt that we were over. However fast forward about 6 months and he got back InTouch saying things were not working out and that he needed my help so silly me decided to help and we picked up where we were when he left. I helped him by giving him somewhere to sleep for a few nights, I have bought him clothes and even given him money for fuel for his car or money for train tickets so he can come over to mine but now unfortunately he seems to be pushing me away again when his other grandparent is currently unwell. Up until this week things seemed to be going great. Now one minute he texts like he cares the next he is short with me. He suffers from depression which I know is a big part of who he is and I accept that this is part of him however I just don't get what to do. If i message and he doesn't reply I will call then he won't answer and says I am suffocating him. However on the other hand I feel if I don't message him regular he thinks I don't care so I can't win.

Please don't comment any nasty comments like you've asked for it or that i am your desperate. I am just looking for some friendly advice

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 23/03/2025 08:46

Turn off the financial taps and you won’t see or hear from him for dust

Think about it OP, you having to give a grown man train fare or petrol money, really? Your teenage kids sure.

Start seeing him as the wet blanket he truly is. He isn’t manly is he?

And if you don’t message him you don’t know how he feels you just want him to be thinking about you but he’s happy to say you are suffocating him. Can you see this unhealthy imbalance?

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 09:19

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/03/2025 07:33

Guarantee he's addicted to cocaine.

No he's definitely not

OP posts:
Original poster
GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 09:22

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 07:43

he got back InTouch saying things were not working out and that he needed my help so silly me decided to help and we picked up where we were when he left. I helped him by giving him somewhere to sleep for a few nights, I have bought him clothes and even given him money for fuel for his car or money for train tickets so he can come over to mine

How come his family or friends couldn't help him, rather than him asking for help like this off a woman he essentially ghosted 6 months earlier?

Also if he became depressed due to grandparent bereavement and couldn't work (?), how come he didn't apply for UC, pip, ESA (if that's correct) etc and live off that.
Again, why is going to an ex of 6 months with whom he did not have a long relationship (and whom he ghosted) for help?

Edited

He did apply for pip as the DWP told him he would get it but they sent letters back saying he couldn't have it

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 23/03/2025 10:08

GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 09:22

He did apply for pip as the DWP told him he would get it but they sent letters back saying he couldn't have it

Show quote history

But what about the core of the questions in that post that you've passed over - why on earth does any of this become your responsibility? He's not even a proper ex and he ghosted you. You owe him nothing yet seem to be queuing up for him to use you and bin you off again. If you go along with this, more fool you.

Jubbly2841 · 23/03/2025 10:13

If someone is pushing you away and doesn’t want to talk, the only correct response is to accept it. If you do this and they complain you don’t care they’re manipulating you.

It’s not normal to set somebody up to fight to be in your life, to fight to help and support you. People get so caught up in the fight they lose track of what they will get if they win. Your prize will be a depressed man who’s ghosted you and who most women wouldn’t want anything to do with.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/03/2025 10:14

You deserve better - he's a user, and unless you've physically met and sick grandparents, I'd take his stories with a pinch of salt.

category12 · 23/03/2025 11:29

GiddyOtter · 23/03/2025 09:22

He did apply for pip as the DWP told him he would get it but they sent letters back saying he couldn't have it

Show quote history

Did he appeal? If he genuinely can't work then he doesn't have to accept an initial refusal as gospel.

As pp have said, though, it's not your responsibility to sort out.

Do you often find yourself going all out for people who give little to nothing back?

Do you feel like you have to 'save' people to be worthy?

outerspacepotato · 23/03/2025 11:36

He got what he wanted from you, money, a place to stay for a bit, clothes, and now he's got another "ill relative" so he'll be moving on and ghost you again.

I think you should stop "suffocating" him and let him get on with his own life away from you. He's a mooching freeloader. Block his number.

TwistedWonder · 23/03/2025 11:52

In your previous thread you said he lives with his parents - what’s happened that he became homeless and you had to give him a roof over his head?

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/03/2025 13:36

How do you no he isn't. Took me 2.5 years to realise my bf was. I only knew when I drug tests him buy one and drug test him explains missing for period of time and depressed mood

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 23/03/2025 14:27

Op seems to be making excuses for him at every turn.

MeganM3 · 23/03/2025 14:33

Just cut your losses and move on.
What could you possibly be getting out of the situation with him that benefits you in any way?
Overall it hasn’t / isn’t making you happy.
So end it, cut all contact for a minimum of 1 year.
No going back and dilly dallying - you only end up wasting your own time and overlooking other opportunities.

Justcallmebebes · 23/03/2025 14:49

pinkdelight · 23/03/2025 10:08

But what about the core of the questions in that post that you've passed over - why on earth does any of this become your responsibility? He's not even a proper ex and he ghosted you. You owe him nothing yet seem to be queuing up for him to use you and bin you off again. If you go along with this, more fool you.

Show quote history

This and why would his grandparents dying or failing health necessitate you giving him money? He's taking you for a ride and you're letting him. More fool you

Justcallmebebes · 23/03/2025 14:51

Can you apply for PIP because a grandparent died? I think not and if you can, then you shouldn't be able to

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 23/03/2025 14:56

The guy's stories have more holes in them than a swiss cheese.

Jubbly2841 · 23/03/2025 15:10

Justcallmebebes · 23/03/2025 14:49

This and why would his grandparents dying or failing health necessitate you giving him money? He's taking you for a ride and you're letting him. More fool you

Show quote history

It would fit if the grandparent was financially supporting him

New posts on this thread. Refresh page