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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship over. Feel like I'm having a panic attack.

49 replies

Wineee · 22/03/2025 21:03

He's gone.
Was here about 45 minutes before deciding to walk out because I told him I was upset because he was 3 hours late again to see me and I feel like an option (again).
We don't live together. I have kids he doesn't. Last weekend we spend an amazing weekend together and yesterday he told me he would never give up on us because we have too much together... when he got up to leave he said he isn't sorry that he was late he got caught up with things and that's just the way it is (ongoing problem with his lack of communication) I said if he walks out then he's making a decision and he left. I rang him and asked him to come back - I was panicking - I suffer from abandonment issues and he is aware of this - he said point blank no and when I questioned if this was it then he said yeah maybe it is. Now he appears to have blocked me on phone text and whatsapp ( he has no social media) and I'm left sat here, feeling trapped and lonely with my dd in bed (ds out).

I feel like when I try and bring up how I am made to feel sometimes (like an option) or ask him to communicate with me better he ends up gaslighting me and bringing other stuff into it - he said last time this was brought up "I'm the only one there for you".

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm panicking. I'm alone and he's gone and yesterday he told me we have too much to give up on each other.... when am I ever gonna stop believing the bullshit?

How can I stop panicking? I feel trapped.

OP posts:
simpledeer · 22/03/2025 21:08

You should be feeling relief.

DearBee · 22/03/2025 21:09

This doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic at all. I totally recognise the abandonment issues- I get like that too. But this push and pull relationship is just an addiction - too much adrenaline and drama. You can do better. I hope you will realise that.

KaleQueen · 22/03/2025 21:11

Don’t panic. Just breathe. He walked out as he’s not nice. He was three hours late as he’s not nice. He confuses you as he’s not nice. He blocks you as he’s not nice.
Three hours late is not normal or nice. He isn’t an okay person. Your panic is you linking his behaviour to past trauma. They’re not the same things. He’s a twat. Let him go. Put the TV on and get a cup of tea/wine/ whatever you enjoy. Be glad he’s gone. He’s not a safe person for you ❤️

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/03/2025 21:12

Understand your issues but don’t try and hang on to someone who treats you so badly. It’s not just lateness, three hours is appalling and then the comment about being the only one there for you…
Horrible. Putting you down.
You may have had a lovely weekend but it’s clear it’s going nowhere without the consistency you need, which most of us do.
He has treated you badly. If he returns, it will get worse.

Flidina · 22/03/2025 21:15

Doesn't sound like you've lost much to be honest, sounds like he uses your abandonment issues to control the relationship to his advantage,he has no respect for you, your better off without him, hope you come to realise this, you deserve better.

BuddhaAtSea · 22/03/2025 21:19

Let him. Let him go. He’s messing with your head. This will never ever work. You’ve got to think about yourself and your children. He treats you like shit.
What you need is a plan. What you’re going to do about healing yourself, about boundaries.
Block him on everything and get rid of any trace of him. Deep clean your bedroom, change the sheets, bring some fresh flowers in, or a new plant. Plan things and put them in your diary. Chin up.

Mumlaplomb · 22/03/2025 21:20

OP raise your standards you are worth more than this.

AnotherNaCha · 22/03/2025 21:24

KaleQueen · 22/03/2025 21:11

Don’t panic. Just breathe. He walked out as he’s not nice. He was three hours late as he’s not nice. He confuses you as he’s not nice. He blocks you as he’s not nice.
Three hours late is not normal or nice. He isn’t an okay person. Your panic is you linking his behaviour to past trauma. They’re not the same things. He’s a twat. Let him go. Put the TV on and get a cup of tea/wine/ whatever you enjoy. Be glad he’s gone. He’s not a safe person for you ❤️

This again and again.

I have been where you are. Understand how you feel / like a child who had been abandoned by its caregiver. But you’re not!

Honestly, his behaviour is not healthy to tolerate. I promise you’ll be so much better out of this. And the highs you had only felt that in contrast to the crushing lows.

Block him back and YOU take control.

CountryTunes · 22/03/2025 21:30

This man is not good for you, he is toxic. You should block him, move on and heal. You are worth more. In time you will feel stronger

BananaSpanner · 22/03/2025 21:36

Block him too. He’s doing you a favour by ending it though neither of you will see it now. Be strong.

Endofyear · 22/03/2025 21:36

You don't want to be with someone who treats you like that. You should want better for yourself OP. If you genuinely feel panic at the thought of being alone, you need to get some counselling. You aren't alone, you have your children, friends, family. Your life isn't defined by the relationship with a man who treats you badly.

Original poster
Wineee · 22/03/2025 21:42

Thank you everyone..

I'm trying not to spiral.

Part of me knows I should be glad it's done and block him part of me has listened to him saying it's "all about what you want"... my mum said stuff like this about me too - is it me?
God knows.

I'm trying to keep ok - I'm sat here frozen.

Could it be me? Or is this an abusive sign... anytime I express myself he calls it an argument... thats controlling?

Heads gone

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 22/03/2025 21:44

He doesn't want you to express yourself.
He doesn't want to listen.
KaleQueen has it down

LollyLand · 22/03/2025 21:44

It sounds like it’s for the best. Block him so that he can’t change his mind.

TheDandyKhakiDuck · 22/03/2025 21:48

You’ve got to try to separate your past from your present. Very hard when your body/feelings are stuck in the past.

Past = abandonment from a parent would have meant death to you as a child. No options, trapped.

Present = you’re an adult and capable. You have options. You will survive. You’ll figure out next steps bit by bit. You’re capable of handling your feelings and will get yourself back on your feet. You can choose people who are good for you. It will be okay!

Try to breathe, keep reminding yourself that you’re in the present.

YesHonestly · 22/03/2025 21:48

Do not, under any circumstances, beg him to come back. I have been where you are, and I begged just to get the relief of him coming back, but all it did was give him the green light to treat me like shit because he knew no matter what he did I would want him to come back.

Until I didn’t. I got counselling, I sat with my feelings however uncomfortable they were, and I refused to lower myself for a sub standard man ever again.

He is not right for you. He treats you with disrespect. Block him and delete his number and focus on getting yourself back together. This is damaging to you and your children, when you are this anxious and wrapped up in him, it affects them. No judgement because I’ve been there, but this is not a good relationship and it needs to end.

Izzy24 · 22/03/2025 21:51

OP, you really don’t want this man.

You want the man you hoped he would be.

NameChanges123 · 22/03/2025 21:54

KaleQueen · 22/03/2025 21:11

Don’t panic. Just breathe. He walked out as he’s not nice. He was three hours late as he’s not nice. He confuses you as he’s not nice. He blocks you as he’s not nice.
Three hours late is not normal or nice. He isn’t an okay person. Your panic is you linking his behaviour to past trauma. They’re not the same things. He’s a twat. Let him go. Put the TV on and get a cup of tea/wine/ whatever you enjoy. Be glad he’s gone. He’s not a safe person for you ❤️

^Nicely put and spot on.

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. Have a good old cry then comfort yourself however you need to. As above, he’s not a good person.

Treesinthewind · 22/03/2025 21:55

I was with a man like this for over 18 months - the push/pull drama had me absolutely hooked, and I spent a lot of the relationship with that feeling of panic. Once it was finally over, it was actually a relief and I couldn't believe I'd given up so much of myself for such an idiot.

Oh and about a year later he got in touch saying he realised he'd made a terrible mistake!

Block him, delete his number, take care of yourself. It's all going to be ok.

LollyLand · 22/03/2025 21:56

Have a glass of water, shower and go to bed. You’ll feel better after a sleep and each day you will feel calmer and happier without him.

Original poster
Wineee · 22/03/2025 21:56

Your all so right....

I'm going to reread all your messages all night. Over and over and over.

I'm going through the worst time of my life at the moment, the worst... he knows all this...your all so right...he doesn't want me to express myself he doesn't give a shit...he's not a nice man and he isn't the right one for me...

Knew there was a reason he was single for 8 years....

OP posts:
GreenCandleWax · 22/03/2025 22:06

TheDandyKhakiDuck · 22/03/2025 21:48

You’ve got to try to separate your past from your present. Very hard when your body/feelings are stuck in the past.

Past = abandonment from a parent would have meant death to you as a child. No options, trapped.

Present = you’re an adult and capable. You have options. You will survive. You’ll figure out next steps bit by bit. You’re capable of handling your feelings and will get yourself back on your feet. You can choose people who are good for you. It will be okay!

Try to breathe, keep reminding yourself that you’re in the present.

You don't need to feel trapped now OP.🌺It will be a relief to be free of this man. See it as something you have done for yourself. I really hope that when the shock is over, you have had a good sleep, and got him out of your mind and hair and everything else, you will start to feel that relief. You are free, and no one is bullying, gaslighting or messing with your head and emotions. Enjoy! 🎉

YourWildAmberSloth · 22/03/2025 22:16

Wineee · 22/03/2025 21:42

Thank you everyone..

I'm trying not to spiral.

Part of me knows I should be glad it's done and block him part of me has listened to him saying it's "all about what you want"... my mum said stuff like this about me too - is it me?
God knows.

I'm trying to keep ok - I'm sat here frozen.

Could it be me? Or is this an abusive sign... anytime I express myself he calls it an argument... thats controlling?

Heads gone

Then don't OP. You know that you're better off without him.

CountryTunes · 22/03/2025 22:18

You can live and enjoy life without him. You are self sufficient, have your own place, a loving DD, friends. You can heal and get another man that will treat you right. Inner peace. Spring is here. Go for lovely walks with DD, enjoy the sun, go to the seaside, read a book, meet friends Healing...

Userxyd · 22/03/2025 22:51

Treesinthewind · 22/03/2025 21:55

I was with a man like this for over 18 months - the push/pull drama had me absolutely hooked, and I spent a lot of the relationship with that feeling of panic. Once it was finally over, it was actually a relief and I couldn't believe I'd given up so much of myself for such an idiot.

Oh and about a year later he got in touch saying he realised he'd made a terrible mistake!

Block him, delete his number, take care of yourself. It's all going to be ok.

Op learn from @Treesinthewind - you don't need to live it to recognise this is what he's doing.
He's trying to break you down and make you utterly dependent on him - block him back and enjoy the certainty that gives you. You're in charge of your emotions not some manipulator.
Stay strong you can do better x

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