Relationship over. Feel like I'm having a panic attack.

[Wineee]

He's gone.
Was here about 45 minutes before deciding to walk out because I told him I was upset because he was 3 hours late again to see me and I feel like an option (again).
We don't live together. I have kids he doesn't. Last weekend we spend an amazing weekend together and yesterday he told me he would never give up on us because we have too much together... when he got up to leave he said he isn't sorry that he was late he got caught up with things and that's just the way it is (ongoing problem with his lack of communication) I said if he walks out then he's making a decision and he left. I rang him and asked him to come back - I was panicking - I suffer from abandonment issues and he is aware of this - he said point blank no and when I questioned if this was it then he said yeah maybe it is. Now he appears to have blocked me on phone text and whatsapp ( he has no social media) and I'm left sat here, feeling trapped and lonely with my dd in bed (ds out).

I feel like when I try and bring up how I am made to feel sometimes (like an option) or ask him to communicate with me better he ends up gaslighting me and bringing other stuff into it - he said last time this was brought up "I'm the only one there for you".

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm panicking. I'm alone and he's gone and yesterday he told me we have too much to give up on each other.... when am I ever gonna stop believing the bullshit?

How can I stop panicking? I feel trapped.

He sounds awful - completely toxic and manipulative. A good boyfriend wouldn't use your vulnerabilities against you like this.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you should be in a relationship at all.

Thinking of you OP. It’s easy to forget, at times like this, that we ARE resilient and things do improve.

Things will be tough at first but slowly you will get through it. Loads of us have been through it, I’m sure. (I certainly have.)

I’m reading ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ at the moment. So much of it makes sense and resonates - may be worth getting a copy…

xx

He wants you on the floor so he can continue to abuse, exploit and kick you. Maybe he gets a thrill from it, maybe he just can't be bothered to act like a decent adult..Either way this is absolutely a pattern of him preying on your hurt so he can suck your strength. He's like a vampire 🦇.

Ask yourself if you would want someone to treat your kids this way? If it would be wrong for your children , it's wrong for you too.

Don't mistake the amount of pain he causes you for his actual importance and value to you. He is a lot less than worthless, hes harmful.

Think of this pain as the discomfort of pulling off a stuck plaster. He is a nasty manky plaster you have absolutely finished with, and he goes nowhere except the bin. Youll be left with a sore place and maybe a few missing hairs where he was stuck, but just rub some metaphorical baby lotion on the hurt, and heal properly.

My ex husband used to pull this shit when we were dating...regularly used to turn up hours late. I think the record was 5...I never got an apology. Funnily enough it was just earlier this week I was telling my best friend about it, in a conversation we were having about huge massive red flags we'd ignored in past relationships. Mine also wouldn't introduce me to his family for 5 years...even though we all lived in the same small town. He also urinated on my front door Millenium Eve at 3am because I wanted to go to bed. We also didn't live together at the time, I also had (still have) abandonment issues, was in my early 30s and obviously my self esteem must have been in the toilet, as I went on to marry him...

I should have split up with him January 1st 2000. Instead we got married and I finally left 31st December 2009. So it took me another fucking decade to finally wake up and see the red flags.

Don't be me. Let this guy stay gone.

Thank you all for your comments advice and support and I am so sorry so many of you have gone through this similar dynamic....

You've kept me from a full blown melt down tonight all of you and I appreciate every single one of you.

You've had some very wise advice here.

Honestly? I don't think you're in the right place to be in a relationship.

Toxic men sniff out women they can control and dominate. Usually women who've suffered.

That three hour late thing showed you he has zero respect for you.

That I'm the only one who'd be there for you thing is a way of crushing your self esteem and self worth.

Focus on yourself, getting your mental health better, maybe some therapy / counselling. Focus on your DC. Hobbies and interests, friends, exercise, eating well.

Block him everywhere, change your locks and get on with your life.

I would be upset by someone turning up three hours late, particularly if they made a habit of it. I don't like people who aren't respectful of my time. I wouldn't care what time they wanted to arrive, as long as they told the truth about it.

I can really see how this would trigger your feelings of abandonment. I've suffered a lot with it in the past. I'm more secure now, mostly. I try to tell myself that every other time I've made a drama of something (because that's what I feel like - not saying you're making a drama) that it's always turned out to be a waste of energy and it was fine in the end anyway. I've been really upset in the past, but it's always ended so I just need to wait. Also, it's not healthy to have too much over the top emotion in a relationship because it chips away at the sense of security anyway.

I hope that helps you in some way! Don't feel like you've been unreasonable in any way. Sounds like you just had enough and needed to put your foot down.

Thank you so much. Exactly this... its hard to lid my panic and emotions. Especially the panic I want to stop them leaving and talk to me but I'm glad I didn't do that yesterday I let him walk out.

He isn't respectful of my time I like how you put that and he makes me feel like an option instead of important to him. Sat here waiting for him to rock up when he feels like it...

There was a poster on here recently whose partner supposedly worked on an oil rig.
And he constantly blocked her and said he couldn’t talk due to his autism. Blamed her constantly for being needy.
There were several threads and the poster constantly berated herself, her health went downhill, she blamed herself and he was blocking and unblocking her.
Even as a stranger it was painful to read. Her health ended up in a terrible, terrible state.
After what felt like an age, she came out the other side. He’d ended the relationship but then came back with a ‘hi I’m back, everything’s fine now, you just stress me out and I have to block you’ message. It had been weeks but during that time the poster had come to realise she was being emotionally abused. And she did not reply. She was moving on and it was great to read.
This is all fresh. You think if he comes back, the panic will go. But the panic is clearly rooted to your past.
If you get help with that, you will be able to move on.
Nobody keeps someone they love waiting for three hours and treats them the way you have been treated.

If you wanting him not to turn up three hours late or not just be an option to him is ‘all about what you want’

Then good. That is what you want!

Hope you’ve managed some sleep. Today is a new day. And a new start. Last night he did you a MASSIVE favour. 8 years single. As you say, there’s a reason for that:

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting someone not to be three hours late. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship where you feel okay for being you.

There is something wrong with turning up
three hours late then somehow making it your fault, then storming out, then blocking you.

Can you see who the ‘not okay’ person is here? It’s NOT you ❤️

Thank you darling...think it makes it worse because he knows I was in alot of pain with an injury I've had a few weeks also and was struggling on my own with dd but still walked out anyway... everything really...

I think I've asked for the bare minimum in asking for communication if he is late...

Thank you

It's such a head fuck isn't it

Im sorry you’re feeling so terrible about this and it’s understandable. However it seems as though you have had a very lucky escape! You may not see it now but when the initial shock wears off, you will

Thank you for sharing this. Wow the poor op and I'm glad she's smashing it now!!!

I'm proud of myself for not trying to stop him leaving the only thing I said is if you walk out then this is over and he said I think I've made me decision and walked out.

What a bloody stupid women I am to think he actually meant it yesterday when he said he would never give up on us as we have too much ugggh

He's shown his true colours right.... runs off at the slightest thing and doesn't want me to express anything negative just accept it

Yes, he's shut you down here which is invalidating. It's a stressful experience when you want to get something out and be heard and acknowledged and they storm off. I really don't like people storming off at all myself.

Even worse that you were in pain. A decent man would have made sure you could relax.

Don't feel like you've been fooled. It's a good thing to give trust freely. Until someone gives you reason otherwise, which he has here. His version of love is unreliable.

Honest to God. Let him. Let him fecking go. Get the banners out, crack open the bubbly, get on the phone to a pal and stop letting him push and pull your emotions about. Block him. That'll be a surprise to him when he decides you can speak to him again.

Quick story...After a year of dating, also living apart, my dp said to me one night that hed really appreciate it if i turned up on time. I was sometimes 20 mins late meeting him, crap at timekeeping, but nowhere near 3 hours. And you know what, I said..sh*t sorry, no problem. And that was that. There is no need for such ridiculous drama over something so basic.

Men like him are always the ones on dating apps that write 'no drama' 🤦‍♀️

His version of love is unreliable .... I LOVE THAT. And yes!!!

Exactly this!

I'm starting to push through the panic and the bunting is going UP and the bubbly is on ice... rejection hurts however we have 1 life right....

Has he not been in contact, toxic men usually circle back. Have you been out in the sunshine today?

This thread will be here for if you waver and doubt yourself again. Onwards and upwards 🍾

He was gone a month ago. Stop doing this to yourself, and more importantly stop doing it to your children.

Try not to focus on feeling alone. Focus your time, love, and energy on yourself and your children, and I expect that when he's on the outside, he might be more attentive and ready to talk. Hope you're ok xxx

What are the bets your 'abandonent issyes' only came into being when in abusive relationships like this one.

Get him blocked on everything.

Read up on trauma bonding.

He's trained you so that you panic in these situations and scrabble to get back into his good books out of fear.

You have to learn to sit down that impulse.

Stop looking to the source of your pain to cure it.

He will constantly pull the rug out from under you leaving you on your arse. It's not the rug that is hurting you, it's him.

Learn to sit with your feelings and say it's ok to feel sad or alone or anxious. These feelings can't hurt you. They can be worked through.

But if you take him back, he will keep you in these feelings forever. And your life and mental health will ultimately fall apart.