Is this controlling or just normal behaviour?

[CoNfUsEdandLoSt18]

I've been with my other half since I was 17 (13 years) so I don't know how men work. Is it normal behaviour if they suggest something, especially in a way that suggests I should have thought of it myself, and if I don't do it, I know he'll get angry. I feel like my choices aren't mine anymore.

It all blew up today. I was getting ready to bring my 11 year old to a birthday party. My main focus was him and washing up a little bit so my house wasnt a mess. Other half was still in bed so I didn't think he was coming. Last minute he decides he wants to come. He likes me to do my hair and make up when we go out together. But we were already running late and didn't have time. I fixed my hair the best I could, but when I came downstairs, he looked at me funny and said "You're not doing your hair and make up?" This annoyed me as I was already running late, this wasn't planned and it was just about getting my 11 year old to school.

It culminated in a big row with me thinking that he thought I looked bad, and him confirming it (out of frustration). He did apologise after. He knows I suffer from poor self esteem and says he's disgusted by this, and its a turn off, but doesn't stop himself saying things that bring down my self esteem.

Am I in the wrong? Have I just over reacted because I'm sensitive to thinking I look bad. Some help would be appreciated because I'm so lost and don't know what's normal anymore. Please be kind, I'm feeling very low right now.

No not normal it is abusive and controlling behaviour

is he older than you

I think it’s more unkind and clumsy rather than controlling. He was hurtful and should apologise to you.

You think getting angry at your partners choices so they don’t do something and insisting on how they look when you are with them isn’t controlling

because it is

Sorry OP I think it's controlling and not normal. I've been with my DH for the same amount of time as you and he's never commented on my choices to wear or not wear make up. He actually said he's turned off by low self esteem whilst acting like this?

I'm guessing he's a similar age to you? To stretch charitability to the limit maybe he believes this is how women should be. You need to talk, perhaps with the help of a counsellor to figure out what you want from each other.

If his view is that a woman looks bad without makeup and their hair groomed then he needs to make sure his level of parenting allows you the time to meet his standards...

Well done for beginning to acknowledge he is treating you badly.
You have been with him since a teenager and had a child young. Now you are growing and learning.
See if you can sign up for counselling sessions via your GP to explore all this
Your son is nearly a teenager and you can potentially get away

He's a wanker. I suppose he looks like Brad Pitt?

OP, you're a grown adult. If you wanted to do your hair and makeup before going out, you would have done your hair and makeup. You know how much input my DH has into my getting ready to go out? Zero, because it's none of his business how I choose to present myself to the world. He may have looks he prefers on me but they only happen when I decide I want to look like that. This is my normal, and it doesn't involve anyone making the other person feel bad for how they choose to present themselves.

If a man said that to me, the only makeup I'd be putting on would be the stuff I pelted at him as I was shooing him out the door.

Totally unacceptable.

Who made him the boss? Tell him to do one.
He is immature and abusive. You don’t need to stand for it.
It’s perfectly fine to go out without being ‘groomed’.

It is only 'normal' in the sense that it is commonplace, unfortunately. It is definitely controlling behaviour. Why should one adult in a relationship be dominant over the other? You are not his subordinate. He is not your boss.

Is he one of those blokes who wants a looker on his arm? Yes, criticising lack of make up or being dolled up to leave the house, is very controlling.

I feel like my choices aren't mine anymore.

Is all you need to know, especially if he gets angry when you don't do what he wants.

You can do the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships and contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice.

Yes, he's controlling and nasty. Let me get this straight... instead of being sympathetic about your feelings of low self-esteem and trying to help you feel better about yourself, he sats he's disgusted by it, finds it a turn-off and makes disparaging comments about how you look, which will lower your self-esteem further? He's the one who's disgusting. This is not how a decent partner behaves.

He was still in bed while you were doing last minute bits and pieces!! Then decided he was going with you - did he shower and so on before joining you - or just throw in his clothes before throwing out his random unnecessary comments? Blooming cheek!!

You might find this helpful.

Thank you for the replies. And for making me feel like I'm not crazy or over reacting. I just needed to know if what I was feeling was justified or just me being dramatic. I'm 30 years old and feel like a child.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep living like this. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is normal.

Mine might say, oh are you going to get dressed up or do your makeup, if we are going somewhere nice and I havent bothered to get dressed up and he has . Occassionally that has happened. It's a question, not a demand. I can say yes I am just about to do it or no I am not bothering, that would be it. Conversation ended.

Your DH has no right to demand what you wear or look like. He can enquire, of course. I would enquire to my husband too. Are tou getting dressed up tonight. But not demand.

Tell him to piss off. Why the hell do you have to have your hair and make up done everytime you leave the house with him? That is bloody ridiculous. What does he do to make himself attractive for you?

This made me laugh. He can do better than me. I'm not naturally pretty. Only with make up.

He is quite good at looking after himself. He had a shirt on and had shaved last night so he looked good. I tried to fix my hair but it wasn't enough obviously 😆

Wife/ partner goes to Tesco, school drop off, other chore in sweats and t shirt and no makeup. He doesn’t really notice.

Women gets ready for work with a bit of lippy - DH comments, “you look smart”

Woman gets ready for fancy night out/ wedding and DH comments “wow, you look amazing”.

This is how a normal bloke acts. Anything more than this is controlling and deeply misogynistic.

I have been with my dh since we were both 17 too and this is not normal. He is using anger to control you, and he is also using your low self esteem against you. He expects you to do your hair and make up when you go out together, wtf? It's your face and hair, do what you want with them.

That sounds like something he's made you believe rather than the truth.

Has he always been Ike this? If he's been putting you down and abusive for any length of time, no wonder your self esteem is low.

Op it's not normal to feel like you are or for him to behave like this. Do you have support irl, people who can help you get your ducks in a row as mn says?

I don't believe this. This seems to be something you now believe about yourself because others have affirmed it.