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Relationships

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Original poster

Sexual content of ex partner, help advice needed!

26 replies

AmberWriter · 22/03/2025 08:47

Desperately looking for some relationship advice. I've been with my current partner for 6 months, our relationship is going great and we are really happy together. At the very start of our relationship he told me he had done a sexual video recording with his ex gf just in passing in a conversation as I work in a school and mentioned in conversation I was in a class talking about consent and taking sexual photos etc.
Fast forward to last night and we were watching a TV show which featured a similar topic and the video just popped into my head and I asked him if he still had it. He told me he still has it and other sexual photos of his ex on his hidden folder on his phone but had just forgot about them until I mentioned it and offered to delete them immediately. We got together very soon after he split from his ex so he said he didn't even think about them being there but I got very upset as I've never done sexual videos etc and feel uncomfortable he has and also uncomfortable as to why he still has them because I personally would have remembered having content like that and deleted them as soon as I split from my ex if I did have any. We have had a massive fall out over it as now I'm saying I don't feel comfortable with him clicking on his hidden folder to delete them as then he will see them especially when his ex is the mother of his child so I regularly see her when she's picking up and dropping off his daughter with us and I hate the thought of him even looking at sexual photos of them even for a second to delete them. Just looking for some impartial advice on how other women would feel about this as I don't know if I'm over reacting or not. Thanks

OP posts:

SallyWD · 22/03/2025 08:54

Well he's offered to delete them but you won't let him so what on earth can he do? I think you're being unreasonable. He has a memory so if every he wants to visualise this woman in a sexual way he can. Just as I can clearly visualise having sex with my ex and every inch of of his body. The fact is I don't want to visualise it!

BruceAndNosh · 22/03/2025 08:55

He doesn't need to view the video to delete it. You're being overly sensitive and a tad controlling

RockingBeebo · 22/03/2025 08:56

He was honest when asked about the videos and has offered to delete them. You are overreacting. I wouldn't like my partner having videos of his ex either but in the circumstances I would just let him delete them and move on.

Jshrbt · 22/03/2025 08:59

How you’d act and he does are different and that doesn’t mean he’s wrong. He’s been honest and said he’d delete it. I don’t think it’s fair to judge him on something he did in the past just because you wouldn’t want to

Likeagreatcardi · 22/03/2025 09:02

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he don't .
Yes of course there are couples that like to do this ( not me ) and it's fine if they have given consent etc .
BUT ( big but there ) they should also have the conversation about what happens to them if ever broke up .
I certainly wouldn't want an ex to still have access to anything like that . It's almost like you should decide to break up then jointly delete before walking away.
When it comes back to the situation you are in now .
How can be delete them so they are gone forever without seeing them for one last time ?
Perhaps his phone allows the deletion of whole file so he's not clicking on every image . Could you do it ? But then there's the consent to view ( as you'd see them )
Perhaps he could pass his phone to his ex to do it , that way she also sees its been done.
I kind of feel you are beating him up for something that's quite normal for some couples and happened before you anyway .

FortyElephants · 22/03/2025 09:03

You're being ridiculous

Bubblenum · 22/03/2025 09:07

AmberWriter · 22/03/2025 08:47

he has offered to delete them but you don’t want him to because he is going to see videos of her then you go on and delete them? i’m sorry i don’t see any other solution if you won’t let him delete them lol? he seems quite happy to get rid of them and is being respectful over it.

Lillibridge · 22/03/2025 09:23

I think you're overreacting to this. People have sex lives and they explore different things with different partners. But he's with you now and the fact that he's offered to delete them must mean that the video doesn't mean that much to him. I'd forget about it.
I once found some Polaroids my partner had of her having sex with another man. They were from 1999. He was married, they met on a ferry coming across the Channel. They had sex and took photos. Serves me right for snooping! I couldn't care less if she still has them. They're part of her life then and that's how it'll remain.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 22/03/2025 09:39

He’s suggested he forgot about them as they’re in a file which he presumably doesn’t access and offered to delete them, but you’ve said no. He’s therefore got no options other than getting someone else to delete it, which as you well know if you’re delivering teaching in this area, would be an absolute no no in terms of his ex’s rights and the fact she hasn’t consented to that. This is clearly a you issue, especially as you mentioned he moved on quickly from that relationship which suggests it causes you some anxiety. You need to apologise for being unreasonable, ask him to delete the content, hope he isn’t put off continuing the relationship because of this and work on your self-esteem if you don’t want your insecurity to manifest negatively in this relationship in the future.

Coconutter24 · 22/03/2025 09:42

YABU he’s offered to delete them and you do t want him to incase he sees them. He either deletes or he doesn’t but in this situation sounds like he can’t win

DaisyChain505 · 22/03/2025 10:06

The issue that they took these photos/videos isn’t the problem the issue is that id personally be wondering if he’d viewed them/used them to masturbate whilst you were together and that’s something he obviously isn’t going to tell the truth about.

You either need to accept that he’s now deleted them and put the issue to bed or leave him. What you can’t do is choose to stay with him and obsess over this as it will just ruin the relationship anyways.

Voice to him that it’s made you uncomfortable and sad and that it’s not just an ex that he will never see again, it’s someone who’s still in his life daily so that adds another layer to the situation and that you need some clear reassurance about everything to move on and feel better.

BodyKeepingScore · 22/03/2025 14:19

It’s a bit odd that you won’t allow him to access the file in order to delete it… presumably his memory hasn’t been wiped since he left this woman and he can recall having had sex with her and what she looks like naked.
Hes offered to delete it and somehow that still isn’t good enough for you so I’m not sure exactly what it is he’d have to do in this situation to appease you.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/03/2025 15:57

It's not like he needs a video to remember what she looked like naked or what having sex with her was like.

You're massively overreacting. He's offered to delete the videos, so let him.

DebOnDating · 22/03/2025 18:57

Who cares? She's in the past. It's not like you can wipe his memory or delete every single photo or thought of other women. And whether he looks at some p*orn with other women or a film of her, same difference - it's another woman who is not you! Plus you get to receive the benefits of his excitement so why trip? You sound massively insecure young lady. Drama like this in a new relationship could push him out the door.

Psychoticbreak · 23/03/2025 13:04

You got together with him very soon after he split from her so he possibly had not even processed the split at that point and you are only with him 6 months and already see his ex regularly so she drops their child off to you both? All kinds of boundaries being crossed here.

Anotherparkingthread · 23/03/2025 13:15

I opened my old phone last week (it's been in a drawer for two years) and was surprised to find dodgy videos of myself in the camera reel. People forget, it's not a big deal. He probably hasn't thought about it at allm just let him delete them, I find it controlling you would say he can't like, he has now got to keep them? Forever? He's not going to let you delete them because you will watch them and make yourself unhappy, also they're too private for him to let somebody else see/delete.

I'd believe him when he said he forgot, let him delete them and move on.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/03/2025 13:16

In this day and age I don't think it's that uncommon for people to take pics or vids of themselves/with partner 'for later'. It's not like he's sharing it around. He was being honest about it's existence and offered to delete it. There's nothing more he could really do surely?

You don't have serious suspicions he's cheating. Surely if you had made a private sexy vid or pics with your ex partner you wouldn't want all your subsequent partners to distrust you because of it?

H112 · 23/03/2025 15:33

He kept them cause he wanks to them. To his ex.

I forgot I didn't delete them. Lol.

It's too early for this crap. You should leave. I'd ask him what else is on that phone

HenDoNot · 23/03/2025 15:35

“Forgot” to delete them eh?

Aye right.

SerenaSemolena · 23/03/2025 15:39

How soon did you get together after he split up with his ex?

Chuchoter · 23/03/2025 15:42

You w now shown him that you're very insecure and jealous as well as controlling.

supercali77 · 23/03/2025 15:45

Let him delete them? He could have lied and said he'd already deleted them and avoided any repercussions. He didn't, so id be inclined to believe he just forgot about them and now he's open about it and happy to get rid of them. There's not much more he can do here.

NoneedtoquotetheOP · 23/03/2025 15:54

@Bubblenum if you are posting on a thread we know it’s in reply to the OP. There is really no need to quote the op on every thread you go on.

OP he’s offered to delete them, I’m not sure what more he could do tbh.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/03/2025 15:58

I guarantee he won’t delete the videos. He’ll email them to himself and then hide them in a folder, then he’ll play it cool as a cucumber and say ‘look I’m happy to delete them, I don’t want you to be upset’.

Bubblenum · 23/03/2025 16:20

NoneedtoquotetheOP · 23/03/2025 15:54

@Bubblenum if you are posting on a thread we know it’s in reply to the OP. There is really no need to quote the op on every thread you go on.

OP he’s offered to delete them, I’m not sure what more he could do tbh.

i’m new to mumsnet and didn’t know how it worked until today. i’m not harming anyone by doing that though so that’s quite a rude response

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