Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Harassment from married man - Should I contact his wife?

45 replies

SassyHedgehog · 21/03/2025 15:58

So a married older coworker had, in my opinion, been sexually harassing me at work. I noticed he looked at me in a leery creepy way, he’d make sexual innuendos over innocent things I said and after connecting with me on social media, he bombarded me with sexual memes, reels and jokes. I’d mentioned at work that my partner and I wanted to start trying for another baby soon and this man sent me some extremely disturbing reels to the tune of “how politely people tell others they’re trying for a baby vs how there ravaging each other in bed”.

I asked him to stop sending me sexual content and he acted like it was all just a joke and I was being sensitive. For a period, he was ok, but overly friendly and after a while he went back to sending sexual content so I blocked him on all platforms, and told him via message before the block I was doing so to set a boundary because I wanted the sexual content to stop and only spoke to him when necessary at work. I was debating reporting him for sexual harassment and then he took a job elsewhere and moved companies.

This was last year, now I’m heavily pregnant on mat leave and I yesterday received an insanely aggressive email from him after something like 8 months of no contact, with him accusing me of telling his wife he sends sexual content to women online and slandering him to some other woman. He said it’s a “blatant lie” that he messages women sexually and he will go to the police and his lawyer for “harassment and defamation”. He then said, arrogantly that he expected an apology from me in response because I was being "wholly unacceptable". Wtf?

It wasn’t me that contacted his wife. Clearly, he’s pissed off someone else by being a dirty creep but his tone was so arrogant, nasty, and aggressive. I really can’t be dealing with the stress of this right now. I responded firmly saying it wasn’t me, he was being delusional, and he should leave me alone but I’m also pretty angry at the fact that this man literally sexually harassed me for an extended period and now he’s acting like a victim, and that I am some “crazy” woman harassing him. This man is also unattractive AF.

I debated tracking down his wife on Facebook with all his disgusting screenshots, telling her I had nothing to do with whoever else contacted her but that I felt she’d want to know. Or should I leave it and not get more enmeshed in their drama? I feel like I'm already being dragged in and I wasn't even messaging his wife! I'm so mad at the way he spoke to me!

It was not one or two sexual messages, he was bombarding me with constant streams of disgusting things for months and months and trying to turn conversations sexual and pervy despite being repeatedly asked to stop. I would personally want to know if DH was doing this, though I know he would not.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 21/03/2025 16:01

Contact your old company and explain what you have here. They may have access to old messages/emails. Let them deal with it.

He’s full of shit if he says he’s going to the police. You’re quite clearly not the only person he’s done this to if he’s been reported elsewhere so he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on going to the police himself.

Original poster
SassyHedgehog · 21/03/2025 16:05

DaisyChain505 · 21/03/2025 16:01

Contact your old company and explain what you have here. They may have access to old messages/emails. Let them deal with it.

He’s full of shit if he says he’s going to the police. You’re quite clearly not the only person he’s done this to if he’s been reported elsewhere so he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on going to the police himself.

Thank you. I was wondering if I should do that. I do have screenshots of everything too and I'd mentioned it to other people casually at the time but wasn't sure I wanted the stress of it (until he started threatening me).

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 21/03/2025 16:08

He sounds unhinged. You don’t need any stress right now. I’d make sure to keep all messages and records of dates/times he’s contacted you in case it gets worse. It’s great if his wife already knows what he has been up to but I wouldn’t bother contacting her at this point to say anything else.

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/03/2025 16:12

He contacted you because he enjoys making you receive messages. You responded so you have now opened the door for the next wave. Contact HR at your old company is a good idea. If needed you could talk to the police.

Whoarethoseguys · 21/03/2025 16:14

I wouldn't speak his wife unless she is a friend of yours . But I would log an official complaint with your employer even though he has left. And keep all the screenshots etc.

Original poster
SassyHedgehog · 21/03/2025 16:22

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/03/2025 16:12

He contacted you because he enjoys making you receive messages. You responded so you have now opened the door for the next wave. Contact HR at your old company is a good idea. If needed you could talk to the police.

Thanks, my friend said the same thing. I wanted to respond and stand up for myself because I was so angry at the audacity of it and how aggressive it was but I feel like it's narcissistic. (I know that term gets thrown about a lot these days but I feel anxious and feel he tries to get a rise out of me in any way possible ).

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2025 16:24

I'd contact your previous company AND the non emergency police. What a letchy arrogant bully, he needs to suffer the consequences of his own abuse.

madaffodil · 21/03/2025 16:25

Keep all of the messages for now, and I agree that you should speak to your employer about this. You might not be the only staff member he was doing it to.

If he contacts you again, rather than reply I suggest you report the matter to the local police. He is clearly heavily involved in sending unwanted messages of a sexual nature to at least two people (you and whoever snitched to his wife) and doubtless there are more, quite possibly of an illegal nature iyswim. The police may already have him on their radar.

Sassybooklover · 21/03/2025 16:28

It's entirely possible, now he's left the company you work for, that he's sent similar messages to his ex colleagues. One if them has decided to tell his wife. Or he's been doing the same to a colleague within the new company he works for, and they've contacted his wife. If you did mention his messages to colleagues, then it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that someone has told him, that you complained to colleagues about him. I would block and completely ignore him. He's desperately trying to save face, because his wife has found out, probably trying to convince her that all the women he works with are crazy! Don't give it a second thought.. just keep hold of any messages he's sent!

Jubbly2841 · 21/03/2025 16:37

He’s lying and it’s just an excuse to contact you again and harass you in a different way. He’s over egged it by acting outraged and threatening police when he knows he has sent you disgusting stuff. He’s gaslighting you and hoping to provoke you into a reaction.

Stamp this out. Send everything to his employer and the police.

FumbDucker · 21/03/2025 16:44

See I think he’s messaged you all angry as he suspects you sent it but thinks he could aggressively get you to apologise so he could show his wife ‘proof’ you were unreasonable.

As it’s not you, it tells you he’s continued to do it to others and will now be gaslighting his poor wife. I’d have to try and find her and support whomever has told her and give her extra evidence as she’ll not know what to believe atm, whereas having two women who don’t know each other will be enough to stop his lies.

The fact that it will take down a creepy c*nt in the process is just the cherry on the top..

Lurkingandlearning · 21/03/2025 16:45

I’m not sure if you can report issues to the police 101 online and upload screenshots. If you can do so. Take a screenshot of that and send it to him, explaining that you hadn’t reported him to the police but you have now.

I think I would also call the police and ask if he has had someone else complain about him, because if they are investigating him the screenshots might be useful to them in terms of him having history of this behaviour. That might be quicker than them linking your report to 101.

But, no I wouldn’t trace his wife. If the police are already involved

sheldonRockz · 21/03/2025 16:48

Hi OP,

sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully you have kept all his messages and if you haven’t already done so, screenshot them, incase he tries to delete everything.

Definitely report the historic sexual harassment you experienced to HR.
As he no longer works at your company I don’t think your employers will be able to do anything, but you have at least got a record of it.

Next I would contact the police for advice. Not only has he sent you unwanted messages of a sexual nature, he is now being threatening towards you and this is not acceptable behaviour. Hopefully the police may have a word with him about his behaviour which may get him to sod off, but if not, it’s the start of a formal record of his sexual harassment of you, and hopefully the police would take any further instances seriously.

I wouldn’t offer him the courtesy of letting him know you’re reporting him to the police, as that will just give him time to get his story straight or create a false narrative etc.

AcquadiP · 21/03/2025 16:53

He said it’s a “blatant lie” that he messages women sexually and he will go to the police and his lawyer for “harassment and defamation”. He then said, arrogantly that he expected an apology from me in response because I was being "wholly unacceptable".

I'd call his bluff and send a polite but cold response, something along the lines of:

Dear X

I have not contacted your wife at any time and am at a loss to understand why you would accuse me of doing so given I am a happily married woman with no interest in you or your life. Please take this as the only communication from me on this matter as my solicitor will handle things going forward.

Regards

Acc0untant · 21/03/2025 17:03

I would respond, just once, saying something like this:

I haven't contacted your wife at all but I think the fact someone else has speaks volumes about the number of women you must have been inappropriately messaging. I will say this once and once only, stop contacting me. If I receive any further communication, even via a solicitor I will be contacting both the police and my own legal representative to take this further. This is harassment and to be clear it needs to stop.

Middlechild3 · 21/03/2025 17:27

SassyHedgehog · 21/03/2025 15:58

So a married older coworker had, in my opinion, been sexually harassing me at work. I noticed he looked at me in a leery creepy way, he’d make sexual innuendos over innocent things I said and after connecting with me on social media, he bombarded me with sexual memes, reels and jokes. I’d mentioned at work that my partner and I wanted to start trying for another baby soon and this man sent me some extremely disturbing reels to the tune of “how politely people tell others they’re trying for a baby vs how there ravaging each other in bed”.

I asked him to stop sending me sexual content and he acted like it was all just a joke and I was being sensitive. For a period, he was ok, but overly friendly and after a while he went back to sending sexual content so I blocked him on all platforms, and told him via message before the block I was doing so to set a boundary because I wanted the sexual content to stop and only spoke to him when necessary at work. I was debating reporting him for sexual harassment and then he took a job elsewhere and moved companies.

This was last year, now I’m heavily pregnant on mat leave and I yesterday received an insanely aggressive email from him after something like 8 months of no contact, with him accusing me of telling his wife he sends sexual content to women online and slandering him to some other woman. He said it’s a “blatant lie” that he messages women sexually and he will go to the police and his lawyer for “harassment and defamation”. He then said, arrogantly that he expected an apology from me in response because I was being "wholly unacceptable". Wtf?

It wasn’t me that contacted his wife. Clearly, he’s pissed off someone else by being a dirty creep but his tone was so arrogant, nasty, and aggressive. I really can’t be dealing with the stress of this right now. I responded firmly saying it wasn’t me, he was being delusional, and he should leave me alone but I’m also pretty angry at the fact that this man literally sexually harassed me for an extended period and now he’s acting like a victim, and that I am some “crazy” woman harassing him. This man is also unattractive AF.

I debated tracking down his wife on Facebook with all his disgusting screenshots, telling her I had nothing to do with whoever else contacted her but that I felt she’d want to know. Or should I leave it and not get more enmeshed in their drama? I feel like I'm already being dragged in and I wasn't even messaging his wife! I'm so mad at the way he spoke to me!

It was not one or two sexual messages, he was bombarding me with constant streams of disgusting things for months and months and trying to turn conversations sexual and pervy despite being repeatedly asked to stop. I would personally want to know if DH was doing this, though I know he would not.

Just ignore and block his email add

TinyFlamingo · 21/03/2025 18:17

Acc0untant · 21/03/2025 17:03

I would respond, just once, saying something like this:

I haven't contacted your wife at all but I think the fact someone else has speaks volumes about the number of women you must have been inappropriately messaging. I will say this once and once only, stop contacting me. If I receive any further communication, even via a solicitor I will be contacting both the police and my own legal representative to take this further. This is harassment and to be clear it needs to stop.

Sending this!

Lurkingonmn · 21/03/2025 18:39

I'd get advice from 101 first. Perhaps log with HR where you were both employed ss other posters have mentioned.
Initially, I would probably have responded to the email:
"While I didn't tell your wife, at the time, or since, we both know it is absolutely true that you do harass and send sexual content to women. I previously told you to stop (date) and blocked you (date). I thought that was enough for you to stop you contacting me as I haven't heard from you since (date).
I have retained the evidence of your contact and am happy to submit it to any legal representative, or your wife, as evidence, along with a copy of this latest threatening email.
I will be contacting the relevant people my end. Let me be very clear, do not contact me again."

But, on reflection, gathering information in advance of actually contacting him is probably more sensible. I just think in the heat of the moment I wouldn't have been able to resist.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 21/03/2025 18:54

SassyHedgehog · 21/03/2025 16:05

Thank you. I was wondering if I should do that. I do have screenshots of everything too and I'd mentioned it to other people casually at the time but wasn't sure I wanted the stress of it (until he started threatening me).

Show quote history

definitely show these all to HR at work, but also report to the police. He was sexually harassing you and now he is threatening you. You did nothing wrong. He on the other hand…

meandmydoggy · 21/03/2025 19:22

TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2025 16:24

I'd contact your previous company AND the non emergency police. What a letchy arrogant bully, he needs to suffer the consequences of his own abuse.

THIS

Toomanyusernames123 · 21/03/2025 19:41

Ugh he sounds gross. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.

I would report this to the police as well as contacting the employer. I received online abuse / harassment from a male which I reported to the police. I was worried that it would be seen as a waste of their time but a specialist officer who dealt with online harassment contacted me and they took it very seriously.

The wife is a tricky one - I would want to know if I was her but I think I would probably leave it at police / employer. I’d be so tempted to tell her but I don’t think I’d want to involve myself in his life any further than I needed to. I’d also be worried about repercussions from him. But she does deserve to know so if you decided to tell her, I wouldn’t blame you!

gamerchick · 21/03/2025 19:51

Message him back saying. 'it wasn't me but what an excellent idea' and block.

Yesiamtiredactually · 21/03/2025 20:29

It’s definitely worth reporting to the police so that they have it on record, they will most likely log it and tell you to block him and contact them if he still manages to contact you. Please don’t worry that he has any sort of case for defamation, you literally have proof that you’re telling the truth in all of the sexual messages he’s sent you. It’s nuts that he thinks that he can bully you like this and kind of hilarious that he seems to genuinely have no idea which of the poor women he’s been doing this to has grassed him up!
I hope you’re ok and not feeling too stressed or upset by all of this!

Plmii · 21/03/2025 20:56

Definitely contact your old company and include all the screen shots.
Tell them you are going to the police.
Contact the police and show them the same and tell them you feel threaten and harrassed and that you have contacted your old employer.

He is bullying scum and you have every right to report him.

He clearly has form.
Show them everything you have.

JustSawJohnny · 21/03/2025 21:19

Dear Creep

This is Sassy's husband. If it were up to me, we would have spoken a long time ago about your behaviour but for some reason my wife didn't want to 'make a fuss' and get you in trouble at work. I think we both know that, had she reported you, you would have been in big trouble.

I have seen every message you ever sent to her. No need to try to gaslight me into thinking they were 'just a joke' - I'm not buying your shit for a second and I hope your wife doesn't, either.

What you need to know is that my wife screen shotted every message. If you ever contact her again, I will be going to the Police with all of the historic messages and images you had sent and filing a harassment report. I feel your historic employer also needs to be aware of this - maybe your current employer also, seeing as you are clearly continuing this vile behaviour with other co-workers, because you see, my wife never contacted your wife about anything.

I sincerely hope the latest victim of your creepy, inappropriate behaviour nails your balls to the wall.

Never contact my wife again.