Ending joyless marriage?

[Joylesss]

DH and I have been together for 14 years, 2 primary aged DC. We were happy together once. But now we have no emotional connection, physical affection, or joy together. Nothing bad has happened, no infidelity or abuse, but recently… nothing good either. We’re just stuck in the routine of work, parenting, bills, household management blah blah blah.

I’m not sure how long we have been like this. We’ve been trying to work at making the relationship better, but I don’t know if it’s even worth the effort trying to save it.

Is this even a good enough reason to consider breaking up? We still love each other dearly. Is day to day “happiness” really that achievable in the daily grind of life? We just plod along contentedly side by side, but definitely more like roommates than lovers. I don’t want my children to be affected by divorce when I think there’s a chance we can “get back” whatever elusive thing we used to have.

Please be kind, I am struggling with my mental health.

Hi Op, I have no advice just solidarity as I've had this conversation with my DP of 18 years this morning. There's no animosity there, but there's nothing like a relationship either. We have a 13 year old too so understand your worry about the kids, but I don't feel like we're role modelling a healthy, loving relationship at the moment and I don't think staying together for that reason is enough.

It's a reason to consider changing things. Don't leap straight to "guess we'd better split up". If you're struggling with your mental health, you're not in a great place to make drastic decisions. Try a thought experiment - imagine that splitting isn't an option. Mentally take it off the table. What can you do, unrelated to your marriage, to bring back joy to your life, and safeguard your mental health?

I'll be honest, and this is not too popular on MN, but personally, I don't think that being "stuck in a routine", "plodding along contentedly" with someone you "love dearly" is a good reason in itself to separate when you have kids. Not when you really think it through, long term as well as short term. I know some will disagree, but that's what I think.

If you love each other dearly and there's no abusive behaviours/issues impacting anyone then I wouldn't personally.

Equally if neither of you are satisfied then probably one of you will have your head turned at some point.

How can it be true that you 'love each other dearly' but there is no emotional connection? Love is an emotional connection.

I agree with this, as long as there is no form of abuse.

You have to at least try to find a way back ro each other before callibg it quits, in my opinion.

If you could wave a magic wand and ask for five things he would do for you, what would they be?

Another thought experiment - imagine he had a new partner. And imagine you didn't. How do you feel about that, really? Stretch it forwards in time - family events and all that, milestones, getting older. I think it's easy to minimise this if you're excited by someone else (not saying you are, but it sounds like it could happen), but it's pretty weighty stuff, in the cold light of day. The saying comes to mind, "You can make new friends, but you can't make old ones".

I mean that we don’t connect emotionally day to day, with conversations and sharing our thoughts and feelings etc.

In answer to the questions about what I can do to bring joy back and what five things I’d ask for from him… I literally have no idea. I feel like not only have I’ve lost all sense of who we are as a couple, but who I am in myself. I don’t imagine myself ever trying to find someone to replace him if we were to split up. It would be horrible to see him with someone else, and I especially would hate for him to have DC with someone else!

Yeah just break the family up. I’m sure your marriage vows included “or until I just get a bit bored”. Or maybe you said the vows not really meaning the words as such.
Who knows. Just do what you want and be judged accordingly.

I think you're stuck in a rut. Grown up life with kids can be boring and relentless, let's be honest. DH and I were the same but we've started having frequent date nights. It's been amazing to reconnect as partners rather than just being exhausted and stressed parents. It reminds me of how things used to be when we met. We'd get dressed up and go out for dinner and the cinema. It's definitely brought a spark back to our marriage.
If you're deeply in love there's no way I'd throw it away. I think all marriages go through tough times but if you both put the effort in, you can recover.

Don't give up on your marriage if you really love each other.

Have you tried marriage counselling or even individual counselling if you're not feeling great? Depression effects every aspect of your life and drains the colour out of everything.

I think this is the crux of it, then. You're not in touch with yourself. That's the issue to address. You're not saying you'd be happier on your own, or happier with someone else, and you say you don't want him to be with someone else. So what would splitting up achieve? I think, somehow or other, you need to tackle that first thought experiment where you take splitting off the table (as it sounds like a false solution that's presented itself to you), and think what else you need. Maybe a self help book or a counsellor can help you with this, maybe talking to old friends or loved ones. Maybe you do need space within your marriage, but in a much smaller way, like regular time to yourself or with friends, more independence. You may well find that, as you begin to feel better in yourself, that your marriage also has the chance to flourish again. I think it's Esther Perel who always says a successful marriage is where each person has their own thing going on, and then they come back to each other and bring back all the good energies and new ideas from that, which boosts their connection. (I don't mean going off and having affairs!)

ODFOD

Thank you for everyone’s helpful responses. Over the last few months we’ve had lots of open conversations about our relation and both want it to work. It’s just so frustrating with very little time and money to focus on just being us, and we have so little experience of ‘us’ lately that it’s a bit intimidating to sit across a table in a restaurant!

I am in a similar position in fact I lost it with my oh last weekend and just I can't do this anymore we have no connection, just like house mates rather than a loving relationship in fact we've not had sex in over 2 years
Unfortunately the conversation couldn't continue as the kids showed up but literally not had another opportunity this week to talk
I'm not sure the answer is to just split up but I do think having some difficult conversations and laying how we really feel out to.each other has to happen
I like what the previous poster has said about working stuff out about yourself.
I do think hitting a certain point with kids and age brings up alot for a lot of couples

Sounds like you are in a lull

life is boring sometimes and that’s a fact

go out on date nights, go out to lunch, go out and get your steps in together and stop for a coffee

exist together outside your house

This reads as if you are in a rut. If you love each other and there are no major issues, you need to talk to each other.

Do you both work? How many DC, how old are they (can they be left alone for an hour?).

Go for a coffee, walk. Can someone (family) have the DC overnight?

As a PP said, be kind to yourself.

I am on a waiting list for MH support but that seems to be never-ending. Taking medications and doing all the usual self-care bits. I’m trying to find my own sense of identity, value and worth, which will definitely help.

It’s reassuring to read that others in the same situation. I know that family life is tedious and repetitive, and that every couple goes through dull periods. I hope that we can find our way through

Yes we both work FT. DH has an office job which involves commuting sometimes but often WFH. I do shift work in the NHS so long hours and no routine.

Two DC both KS1 so not able to leave them alone. A little family support but not much, very rare to get an evening to ourselves.

So don't sit in a restaurant. Do an activity together.

I quite like escape rooms, which make you co-operate (although could cause frustration 😂). Go bowling or play minigolf or something. Maybe try something new you've never done before together.

It will give you something to talk about that isn't the kids or work, and you can chat over drinks afterwards or in the car.

Don't go straight in for the traditional "romantic" evening of a meal, do something different and fun to help break you out of the rut.

So many relationships fall into this pattern.

And adults with there relationship with themselves.

But happiness, joy, emotional connection it doesnt just happen in relationships you need to actively make it happen.

Life is always happening. Work, kids, money, house management etc. It will always be there together or not.

And it isnt sitting in a restaurant every so often isnt going to change it.

You have to laugh, keep learning about each other, do things together.

Its the small things:

• pick a themed dinner night something you haven't tried and cook together. Make it a monthly thing take turns picking.
• Watch a series even if you only get to watch anepisode a week.
• Do online quizs or Alexa if you have it.
• Play cards.
• Take time of work and spend the day together. Breakfast, go to the cinema. Walks in nice places and grab a coffee.
• Get a fun sex game that you can do and laugh while doing it.
• Pick something bigger you would like to try, an activity, a show etc each. Book it and give yourselves something to look forward to. Look up free and cheap events in your local area.

We do all of those things over a year. It let's us have fun laugh and try new things while still keeping everything else going. As soon as do something we plan something else.

There is loads of small things you can do that will change things up.For you and him.

My DH & I have kids with other people and together. Neither of us would ever dream of breaking up because we are bored. Thats adult life sometimes.

I m joining a gym with my 2 teenagers over the weekend. I might as well join too, as I ll be dropping and collecting them.

Can you find/think of ways to have more fun.

Go to the cinema (alone if you need to).

Walks, feed the ducks, get into nature, woods, together.

Maybe try and be friends with DH again.

If you work long NHS hours would you give up your job? Or would DH have the kids more than 50%? Do you think being a single parent is better than just being like this with DH? 14 years of your life, you’re in the hard bit with young kids and poor mental health… why not just accept things aren’t quite right right now but muddle through together? I don’t get why people seem to rush to break up rather than just seeing the rough patches through together. You don’t even want anyone else so is it’s worth giving up time with the kids, potentially your job, your home, changing finances etc? Long term separation might make sense but I’d say you’re life is worth fighting for

To be clear, DH is the one who has raised the idea of separation as he’s unhappy. Having said that, I feel he’s not making much effort to improve things.

@Whatado I love these ideas, thank you! Will definitely look into the themed evening idea

I think there is a lot of positives that you still clearly love him and have a great history together so personally I'd stick it out a bit longer.

I get the feeling your dissatisfied with your life rather than just your relationship so I would recommend focusing on yourself and making YOU feel good in the hope that give you a boost of energy to get your relationship back on track. Also I believe being silly and having a laugh is better than a romantic dinner so maybe look at old photos pre kids and pick some dates to relive (eg a hike of the same mountain or picnic at the same beach spot)