Ending joyless marriage?

[Joylesss]

DH and I have been together for 14 years, 2 primary aged DC. We were happy together once. But now we have no emotional connection, physical affection, or joy together. Nothing bad has happened, no infidelity or abuse, but recently… nothing good either. We’re just stuck in the routine of work, parenting, bills, household management blah blah blah.

I’m not sure how long we have been like this. We’ve been trying to work at making the relationship better, but I don’t know if it’s even worth the effort trying to save it.

Is this even a good enough reason to consider breaking up? We still love each other dearly. Is day to day “happiness” really that achievable in the daily grind of life? We just plod along contentedly side by side, but definitely more like roommates than lovers. I don’t want my children to be affected by divorce when I think there’s a chance we can “get back” whatever elusive thing we used to have.

Please be kind, I am struggling with my mental health.

What did he say ?

Sitting in the garden reading a book and having a laugh can be exciting. So too is watching tele together or maybe having a candle lit dinner at home...all cheap options

Wow, you’re a dick.

I've just written a post with a similar issue. My boyfriend never wants sex and its making me feel unwanted. Like life is boring. Like I have no real connection. Its making me resent him and want to look elsewear. I dont understand it buy I'm really starting to struggle with this. He is happy to just hug and watch tele and nothing else. But to me without intimacy your housemates. Just mates. A relationship is so much more than this.

No emotional connection, no physical connection,difficult to know how you can still love someone whom you have no real relationship with

A bit harsh.

I would ask him is does he even want to try any things to try to bring a bit of fun back into life. You can't do it on your own.

But honestly my husband has experienced co parenting, missing his child blending, new relationships as have I. It's hard, lonely at times, hugely emotional.

Yes we are happy, we love each other and are very lucky to have the family we have but that doesn't mean it hasn't come with huge costs for everyone other than our joint kids really. Personally it isn't something he would willingly do again.

Ok... This would worry me. I thought it was just an idea that you'd had. If it's something he suggested, this points to the issue being more on his side, and maybe that's contributing to your general confusion and despair. It's not that you want to end the marriage, but you can sense that something isn't right. I think this needs addressing before he (hopefully not, but it happens) blindsides you. I really hope things get sorted

What’s a sex game? Like those dice kits from Ann Summers, or is there something else?

We just don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company any more. We have nothing in common and no shared interests. It’s hard to find something that we both want to do.
I just feel completely confused. I can’t even remember what we used to do pre-DC… 🤷‍♀️

@Floralfloralliz I’m sorry you’re going through something similar

@ThatsCute Yes, or card games or apps on your phone. There so many different types. Some are questions/actions etc. For us they are light hearted and fun.

@Joylesss that's really difficult. It's horrible feeling so discentered in yourself.

But even if this path ccontinues to separation with your DH keep doing things for yourself even small things.

I try new podcasts that Im not sure will intrest me to see. These days I even force myself to try clothes I might not have before just so I dont end up completely stuck as I am. The saying the longest relationship you have in life with yourself is so true.

When I read your OP I thought this relationship was salvageable, but tbh your update about him suggesting separation and seeming disinclined to work on things is a bit of a concern. It sounds as if he’s checked out already and is preparing you for something. I think that if you really want to stay with him and together improve your home life, you need to tell him that, plainly, one last time. But if he still is reluctant to even try, you probably do need to be finding a solicitor and making plans.

Life is not a bowl of cherries and most marriages have rough patches but if you both really love each other then please make the effort to put a little magic back into your relationship. Divorce is awful and should always only be a last resort, especially when children are involved. Talk to each other about how your feeling and what each of you want from your marriage.

@Joylesss have you made any changes since you wrote this?
I've only just had another conversation with my OH about our relationship and he acknowledges that we are in a rut. Looking positively though we've also acknowledged that we have lots of positives in our life however our physical relationship is kaputt
Not sure what Im asking on here!

I would advise you heavily not to leave and to work at this. You love him. You love your family. You are struggling with your own mental health. You need to prioritise that (therapy/GP/medication/exercise etc) and spending quality time with your husband away from your children to rebuild what you once had. It is still there and can be salvaged.

Life with children is beautiful but it can be hard, exhausting, monotonous, stressful and isolating- we lose sight of who we were as well as our partner. We become like room mates. But what attracted you to each other has not changed it it is just lost in the daily grind.

The grass is not necessarily greener. You do not want to discover this because you walk away only to find yourself on Tinder and him married two years on to a woman ten years younger then you who your kids call mum. If you love him it is worth working at- that is the essence of the marriage vows. Do this for your children but most of all for yourself because I promise you will live to regret it if you don’t.