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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mum's racist husband

43 replies

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:32

My mum (late 60) could be described as somewhat vulnerable and not particularly sharp. Not sure whether it's early onset dementia or similar (she refuses to entertain any suggestion of this), but she gets absolutely fixated on the most unimportant and trivial nonsense. My siblings have noticed the same. I've recently had to tell her to stop phoning late at night or crack of dawn unless it's something urgent/important. Calls all the time when I'm at work (again, nothing ever important or urgent). Goes on and on constantly about so-and-so's birthday (usually someone I barely know or see) for months leading up to it! I politely send care and presents to family friends but my mum talks non-stop about "it's so-and-so's birthday in X number of weeks"... Like I've got nothing else to think about. I'm busy with a FT stressful job, kids, house etc. I frankly don't want to hear about Janice's birthday for a 6 whole months leading up to it! Especially when Janice is someone I've only met a small handful of times in my entire life.
Now, on to the more concerning thing. My mum used to be very well-travelled, open-minded and intelligent. Travelled to all corners of the world when younger, lots of travel experience of different cultures, religions and ways of life etc.
A few years ago, her husband decided that they'll start watching GB News as their main source of "news". Since then, I've noticed my mum becoming totally eroded, there's pretty much nothing left of her. Nothing left in terms of analytical thinking skills, ability to detect far-right racist/anti-Muslim propaganda. She takes everything that her husband says as gospel... Like with the Southport attacker who killed the 3 girls... "Jim (not husband's real name) said the attacker is a Muslim who stepped of a boat 2 weeks ago on UK shores"... Complete and utterly false. Asked where she got this information, she said "Jim told me"... This is just one example. She became fixated with the belief that Kyle Clifford (the crossbow killer) was actually "Moroccan" (because told her he is, he'd read it somewhere).
When I'm in their house, I've noticed that Jim feels the needs to do running commentaries on anything on TV that features people who either aren't white or Christian... Latest was about bombing Gaza. Feels the like to make ridiculous, pig-ignorant and downright offensive comments all the way through. I'm the only one who has the integrity to call him out on it. I recently took Jim aside and said whilst I respect his right to different opinions, I don't want my kids hearing his vile tirades. Mum just sits in silence, knawing her fingers and looking totally vacant and unresponsive. Will stay silence to "keep the peace" rather than call him out on his racist bullsh**.
I'm worried that my mum is rotting away in front of my eyes. I've trying speaking to her separately but she's too far gone... She's convinced that "Muslims are taking over..." Similar stuff to what was said about Jews by the nazis.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/03/2025 11:38

I am so, so, sorry. There is a documentary called something like “The Brainwashing Of My Dad” which I think is on point here. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brainwashing_of_My_Dad

There isn’t much you can do. They are in a “folie a deux” or as it has been described in the US with respect to the MAGA Trump fusion a “folie aux millions.” She won’t come out of this.

The Brainwashing of My Dad - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brainwashing_of_My_Dad

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:44

pikkumyy77 · 21/03/2025 11:38

I am so, so, sorry. There is a documentary called something like “The Brainwashing Of My Dad” which I think is on point here. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brainwashing_of_My_Dad

There isn’t much you can do. They are in a “folie a deux” or as it has been described in the US with respect to the MAGA Trump fusion a “folie aux millions.” She won’t come out of this.

Thanks for replying. It's so depressing, especially when she used to be such a vibrant, coherent and intelligent person. She raised me to never be a racist or a bigot, but seems to have slowly turned into one herself. Thanks to her husband's insistence on watching GB News and her not having the confidence to say she'd rather learn what's happened in the world from my reliable, less-biased sources.
She's been scared to death of Jim for years but refuses to admit it. Siblings and I can all see it but she refuses. When challenged on what she lacks the moral fibre to call him out on his racist bullSh**, she says lame excuses like "well he's only expressing his opinion". The stuff he comes out with is totally abhorrent and totally against anything anybody stand for... All she can do is knaw her fingers till they bleed and bury her head in the sand. It's so infuriating.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 21/03/2025 11:44

Oh I couldn't bear it!! I'm not sure what you can do actually. My friend has become the same and she's actually an extremely intelligent, well educated 40 something. I've completely lost faith in her judgement and I see her differently now. I just don't like her much anymore.
But what can you do??

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:49

SallyWD · 21/03/2025 11:44

Oh I couldn't bear it!! I'm not sure what you can do actually. My friend has become the same and she's actually an extremely intelligent, well educated 40 something. I've completely lost faith in her judgement and I see her differently now. I just don't like her much anymore.
But what can you do??

Horrible isn't it?! :( Whenever mum tells me about any mundane day to day interactions or dealings with non-white people she feels the name to mention the person's colour race at last 5 or 6 times....
Last week, she told about how a black girl on the bus gave her direction to XYZ place... The black girl said it's 5 mins walk from the stop...The black girl said her brothers works there...The black girl helped her when nobody else knew the directions... Like, why or how on earth was her race or colour even relevant?? When I asked my mum, she's like "I'll say it if I want to..". Like why make yourself sounds like a total dick?? Makes no sense?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 21/03/2025 11:50

Another thing to add, is that you just can't reason with these people. My friend truly believes that GB News is the only accurate, unbiased (what a joke!) news channel. She believes all other journalists are silenced and all other news channels are censored. If you try and argue with her she just thinks you're gullible and naïve. Drives me mad and makes me furious.

pikkumyy77 · 21/03/2025 11:55

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:49

Horrible isn't it?! :( Whenever mum tells me about any mundane day to day interactions or dealings with non-white people she feels the name to mention the person's colour race at last 5 or 6 times....
Last week, she told about how a black girl on the bus gave her direction to XYZ place... The black girl said it's 5 mins walk from the stop...The black girl said her brothers works there...The black girl helped her when nobody else knew the directions... Like, why or how on earth was her race or colour even relevant?? When I asked my mum, she's like "I'll say it if I want to..". Like why make yourself sounds like a total dick?? Makes no sense?

Well—I think that is a place to try to make an inroad. “So, mum, your expectations that black people aren’t nice/helpful/good neighbors were not met. The nice interaction you describe is what you and Jim think doesn’t happen. Can you imagine how hurt friendly woman who helped you would feel if she heard Jim’s rants?”

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:55

SallyWD · 21/03/2025 11:50

Another thing to add, is that you just can't reason with these people. My friend truly believes that GB News is the only accurate, unbiased (what a joke!) news channel. She believes all other journalists are silenced and all other news channels are censored. If you try and argue with her she just thinks you're gullible and naïve. Drives me mad and makes me furious.

I'd love to see GB News taken off the air. Not sure of the presenter's name but it's the youngish blond woman who wears glasses. Shortly after the Southport attack she was hosting some kind interview about this... As guests were were speaking about the horrific murders, she kept looking at the camera and grinning. I found this really disturbing and sick tbh. 3 murdered children and a "news" presenter is grinning. WTF?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 21/03/2025 11:57

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:55

I'd love to see GB News taken off the air. Not sure of the presenter's name but it's the youngish blond woman who wears glasses. Shortly after the Southport attack she was hosting some kind interview about this... As guests were were speaking about the horrific murders, she kept looking at the camera and grinning. I found this really disturbing and sick tbh. 3 murdered children and a "news" presenter is grinning. WTF?

Truly horrible. There were plenty of people who were actually gleeful about it, thinking this was something they could pin on Muslim asylum seekers. Couldn't care less about the poor girls.

Shortbread49 · 21/03/2025 15:17

Mine are like this except in their case is daily mail not GB news I have found pointing it out however politely causes anger and how dare you . Either change the subject or jeep
your distance more , I get over my to the dentist they were Indian you know but they were nice and surprisingly had very good English !

Beeinalily · 21/03/2025 15:45

But they're just as entitled to their views as you are to yours. Couldn't you just steer the conversation to something less contentious?

AlteredStater · 21/03/2025 15:52

My Mum changed a lot and it turned out she had rampant hyperthyroidism! It affected her mentally and caused dementia eventually, but before that she was continuously phoning me about trivial stuff and complaining, telling me not to eat certain things, and generally being obsessive. Point is, there was a medical reason behind it, I wish it had been picked up sooner and treated but she adamantly refused to see a doctor.

TooBigForMyBoots · 21/03/2025 15:58

Ah @helen854 that must be so hard. It sounds like your mum needs to talk to you to remind herself who she is.Sad

The times that she phones, are they times he isn't around?

MillicentFaucet · 21/03/2025 15:58

I'd ignore all of the political stuff and insist on taking your mum to see a GP if she's gnawing her fingers until they bleed and sits staring into space. Poor woman sounds very anxious and unhappy, can you ignore her opinions and try to help her despite them OP ?

TooBigForMyBoots · 21/03/2025 16:04

helen854 · 21/03/2025 11:55

I'd love to see GB News taken off the air. Not sure of the presenter's name but it's the youngish blond woman who wears glasses. Shortly after the Southport attack she was hosting some kind interview about this... As guests were were speaking about the horrific murders, she kept looking at the camera and grinning. I found this really disturbing and sick tbh. 3 murdered children and a "news" presenter is grinning. WTF?

You're not wrong. GBN hates the UK. When something bad happens they can't keep the grins off their faces. I've stopped watching at times, as it's disgusting.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/03/2025 16:11

Totally missing the point!

The OP is distressed about what her mother has become, and about the vile man that she is living with. It really isn't as simple as just changing the subject.

OP, I agree with the suggestion to push for a medical assessment, as she does sound very vulnerable. In the meantime, I guess I would want to be very careful about letting your dc spend time with her and "Jim".

goodforher · 21/03/2025 16:19

You seem more worried about your mum's views that worried about your Mum.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/03/2025 16:59

She’s not gnawing her hands because she agrees with what he says. People do that when they are distressed. You say you are aware she is afraid of him and, it would follow, is abused by him but you are angry that she doesn’t challenge him on his pig ignorant political views.

I’m baffled that in all that is wrong in your poor mother’s life, it is that which annoys you enough to rant here. You say she has changed a great deal and is diminished but you show no compassion. Perhaps if you educated yourself about what domestic abuse can do to a person, you might be less irritated by what the abuse has done to her

Theuniversalshere1 · 21/03/2025 17:04

My family got "gb newsed" and farraged... After my dad passed away my sisters very dominant partner and his very imposing family got their claws in and turned my mum and remaining family into right wing fascists,xenophobic, low key homophobic and misogynistic.

DemelzaandRoss · 21/03/2025 17:12

Several members of our family have been become brainwashed by GB news too. They also believe fake news on FB & other social media.
We try & ‘educate’ them, but it’s really impossible. Most of the time we try not to discuss politics at all. Sometimes we have to put distance between us for a few months. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion so we just remove ourselves.

MillicentFaucet · 21/03/2025 17:16

Lurkingandlearning · 21/03/2025 16:59

She’s not gnawing her hands because she agrees with what he says. People do that when they are distressed. You say you are aware she is afraid of him and, it would follow, is abused by him but you are angry that she doesn’t challenge him on his pig ignorant political views.

I’m baffled that in all that is wrong in your poor mother’s life, it is that which annoys you enough to rant here. You say she has changed a great deal and is diminished but you show no compassion. Perhaps if you educated yourself about what domestic abuse can do to a person, you might be less irritated by what the abuse has done to her

Edited

This x 100
Everyone getting their froth on about GB news is completely missing the bigger picture

madaffodil · 21/03/2025 17:22

Your mum is trapped in an abusive relationship, isn't she? But she is unable to see it for herself because he's brainwashed her.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 21/03/2025 17:24

You could be describing one of my oldest friends of nearly 30yrs and her DH! He retired 2 years ago and does very little but watch GB news and rant. They came round for a drink last week and after an hour he started his racist drivel and despite me ridiculing him, calling him out and trying to change the subject he didn't stop - and she joined in! She's totally brainwashed - used to be such an interesting and vibrant person. Their DS has a black GF and so I can see why he doesn't come home much from Uni any more and wixh to expose her to his DFs views.

I couldn't wait for them to leave and won't be inviting them round again!

Teado · 21/03/2025 17:27

Problem is OP, you’re going to get loads of rants about GB News and very little advice about your mother who is scared of her OH - the real problem.

I’d talk to Women’s Aid first and then take it from there.

JustSawJohnny · 22/03/2025 00:32

Beeinalily · 21/03/2025 15:45

But they're just as entitled to their views as you are to yours. Couldn't you just steer the conversation to something less contentious?

It's not that simple when he is telling blatant lies and brainwashing OP's Mum into believing it.

Pherian · 22/03/2025 07:20

I share your frustrations. My in laws watch this crap too. At the insistence of my fil. I have had to spend a four day caravan holiday with it on in the background. I thought my head would explode. It is alarming what they get away with saying on there.

There is some MK-ultra level mind control they have over the people that watch that channel.

They had a segment about how people who work from home aren’t actually working and it was “bring the economy down” so we had two weeks of them showing up in the middle of the day for a cuppa tea and they would sit there while we were in our home office working - for a couple hours a day. Sometimes they would come over first thing just to make sure we were up. I’m on teams calls for at least four hours of my day and the rest is drafting documents. I have deadlines etc the whole nine yards. It was explained to them that it was really inappropriate for them to visit while we were both working and that’s when all the nonsense they had learned on this channel came out. There was no way to reason with them. We tried.

The final straw was my fil coming into my office one afternoon when I was hosting a work shop and people could see him standing behind me on my camera. One person was so concerned they stopped me and asked me if I was aware a man was standing behind me. I was not.

After this we had to change the locks to our house. And basically told them not to come over unless they messaged or called first and we agreed to their visit.

We avoid any conversation about politics with them. Heavy boundaries are required. Unfortunately as long as the channel exists so will this problem.

Sounds like you’ve done all you can.