Mum's racist husband

[helen854]

My mum (late 60) could be described as somewhat vulnerable and not particularly sharp. Not sure whether it's early onset dementia or similar (she refuses to entertain any suggestion of this), but she gets absolutely fixated on the most unimportant and trivial nonsense. My siblings have noticed the same. I've recently had to tell her to stop phoning late at night or crack of dawn unless it's something urgent/important. Calls all the time when I'm at work (again, nothing ever important or urgent). Goes on and on constantly about so-and-so's birthday (usually someone I barely know or see) for months leading up to it! I politely send care and presents to family friends but my mum talks non-stop about "it's so-and-so's birthday in X number of weeks"... Like I've got nothing else to think about. I'm busy with a FT stressful job, kids, house etc. I frankly don't want to hear about Janice's birthday for a 6 whole months leading up to it! Especially when Janice is someone I've only met a small handful of times in my entire life.
Now, on to the more concerning thing. My mum used to be very well-travelled, open-minded and intelligent. Travelled to all corners of the world when younger, lots of travel experience of different cultures, religions and ways of life etc.
A few years ago, her husband decided that they'll start watching GB News as their main source of "news". Since then, I've noticed my mum becoming totally eroded, there's pretty much nothing left of her. Nothing left in terms of analytical thinking skills, ability to detect far-right racist/anti-Muslim propaganda. She takes everything that her husband says as gospel... Like with the Southport attacker who killed the 3 girls... "Jim (not husband's real name) said the attacker is a Muslim who stepped of a boat 2 weeks ago on UK shores"... Complete and utterly false. Asked where she got this information, she said "Jim told me"... This is just one example. She became fixated with the belief that Kyle Clifford (the crossbow killer) was actually "Moroccan" (because told her he is, he'd read it somewhere).
When I'm in their house, I've noticed that Jim feels the needs to do running commentaries on anything on TV that features people who either aren't white or Christian... Latest was about bombing Gaza. Feels the like to make ridiculous, pig-ignorant and downright offensive comments all the way through. I'm the only one who has the integrity to call him out on it. I recently took Jim aside and said whilst I respect his right to different opinions, I don't want my kids hearing his vile tirades. Mum just sits in silence, knawing her fingers and looking totally vacant and unresponsive. Will stay silence to "keep the peace" rather than call him out on his racist bullsh**.
I'm worried that my mum is rotting away in front of my eyes. I've trying speaking to her separately but she's too far gone... She's convinced that "Muslims are taking over..." Similar stuff to what was said about Jews by the nazis.

Write to her doctor and alert him to your dementia concerns , sadly that’s about all you can do to help her
we had to do this to my nan who for about two years could hold normal conversations with doctors strangers etc but we new the dementia had started

Weird didn’t mean to quote pikkumyy77
sorry?

I would stop going round and when your mum asks why you aren't bringing her grandchildren over tell her that you won't have them around Jim and his crap. Sometimes people don't do anything when it affects them but do when it affects other people / the relationship? She might be getting dementia too though, the knawing the fingers is worrying and the vacant look like she's being abused by him also sounds scary. Dementia also changes people and sometimes makes them racist when they never were! I know someone who started speaking french perfectly... Never been to France or learned french!!

Has she had a medical check? Close friend of mine became like this, fixated on things. She was then diagnosed with late stage cancer, which had spread to the brain. The tumours in the brain were in the frontal lobe and it did become like dementia. I don’t say this to scare you, and it’s probably not this at all, but as it sounded similar in the fixation thing I wanted to share my friends story. If she had been diagnosed a little earlier treatment may have been possible.

I think your mum is in an abusive relationship. The phone calls are a result of anxiety and the change in political views is her trying to keep her husband calm. When you're in an abusive relationship, you can lose yourself completely.

She probably won't listen to you, though. Only so much you can do. I also get dozens of pointless and sometimes hysterical phone calls a day, and I just have to mute them during working hours.

She’s been brainwashed / radicalised. I would contact the non emergency police line 101 for advice. Don’t let the husband alienate her any more. Keep doing what you’re doing by challenging his views if safe to do so. Are you sure there’s no other abuse going on?

Totally agree! It’s like the mum was subconsciously setting up this type of convo like can you believe this black person helped me?! This goes against everything Jim is brainwashing me into. She sounds confused and like she’s asking for clarification

Have they been together a long time? Are they quite dependent on each other financially/for living? Could be quite a tough challenge to get him out, do you think she would want this?

Definitely get your mum to the GP (go with her) and maybe ask for advice on helping an older relative in an abusive relationship. She's either unwell or being controlled or both. Don't get distracted by what she's saying - that a symptom not a cause.

I don't suppose he thinks he's lying, he believes he's correct, as we all do. Right wing and left wing propaganda are both to be abhorred, and both are harmful, but there are grains of truth - and that's what is so confusing. How I wish people were less political these days, it's caused strife in so many relationships.

Lol. Radicalised to what? Views you dislike? Sure. Not quite the same thing as needing any police time.

Wishing people were less political isn't the solution at all. We should all be "political" because we all have a shared responsibility for the society that we live in.

The strife in relationships doesn't arise from people caring about the society that they live in and wanting it to be better, which is all that "being political" is really about. The strife arises in response to ignorance, prejudice and injustice. Both real and perceived.

What we need as a society is not for people to be less political. We need them to be more political in the sense of getting people to be more engaged with the issues, better educated about the issues and more capable of distinguishing between fact and fiction so that they can identify propaganda and disinformation when they see it...wherever it may come from.

I have an aunt who always mentions someone's skin colour if they aren't white when talking about them. It's "the coloured man who does Mastermind", things like that. Funnily enough she never mentioned John Humphreys as "the white man ..." And anyone mixed race is "half caste". I've tried telling her what caste means but she calls me a "clever bugger you". She's 66. Both old enough and young enough to know better.

It's difficult to assess without more detail but he sounds very dominating and your mum sounds completely ground down. Unfortunately abusers predate on all kinds of people.

Social media, the right wing press and GB news are doing a number on people and it's easy to become indoctrinated.

However your mum seems to be trying to stop her abuser from kicking off. You say she seems scared off him so I can imagine what he's like behind closed doors.

If you can, encourage meetings away from him. Your local park or cafe so she gets some space. Don't bad mouth him or try to reason with him as it could make things worse for her.

Show me one piece of left wing propaganda and I'll show you a literal 'news' channel that pedals actual, harmful lies.

There is no reality in which these things are equal.

One is rare. One is rife.

My FIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It started with basically taking what he wanted from a conversation and made the rest up regardless of where he got the information.

Anything he heard from friends was gospel even to the point one of them said someone in the village was dead and my husband actually seen him and told him but that can’t be true cos so and so told him 🙄

He fixates on small insignificant details and called my husband 5-25 times a day about these things too.

You and your siblings may want to get her assessed for dementia as it does sound like she has some red flags.

It very much sounds like your mum has dementia. The fixating with trivial things and the overwhelm with upcoming birthdays, appointments are exactly what I see with my 83 year old mum. Everyday mundane things seem massive and completely overwhelming, hence her repeatedly telling you about someone’s birthday. It’s because she’s losing the cognitive skills to plan and a sense of time. It’s not her fault OP. It’s a really sad process to watch. She’ll also believe anything that she’s told, which is what’s happening with her husbands crap. Make an appointment at the GP for a memory test (and go with her). They’ll then refer her to the memory clinic if needed.

Your mother is in a relationship with her abusive H. She gets what she wants out of this relationship so is very unlikely to leave him.

I would keep both yourself and your DC well away from the two of them going forward.