I hate my life - need to make some changes

[lifemakeover]

I know I sound like a dramatic teenager, not someone at the end of their 40s, but I hate my life. I will be 50 next year and I don't want to turn another milestone birthday feeling like this. If I am honest the past 10-15 years have been a bit shit on and off. I feel awful saying that as this time has included having both my kids.

• Marriage - deeply unhappy. Married to, on paper, not a bad man, but there is one very bad thing from the past that didn't get resolved, plus the usual thing of me taking on more than my fair share of everything over the years. We did try couples therapy but the therapist wasn't right for us, and DH made a significant admission that, rightly, shifted the tone of the discussion, but also meant I backed down/away from what I wanted to get out of it. There is no real connection or intimacy - I find it hard to like him. We do nothing together and really I don't want to. While there is no screaming and shouting etc, it's not a good example for our kids.
• Kids - two lovely teenage kids, both generally happy and successful at school and socially, but as I've said, I worry a lot about the impact of our marriage on them. I don't feel like we are proper family - we don't do stuff together. This is my fault as I don't want to spend time with DH.
• Work - I've worked on a freelance basis since having my first child, but the market is getting tougher. I want to return to permanent jobs for the next 15 years of my working life. The sector I work in is being badly hit by cuts though so this feels like a challenge.
• Finances - we have a good income but we also have debt accumulated over the years. Totally our fault and completely irresponsible of us, but we are where we are. Also as the freelancing is less reliable our financial position feels increasingly precarious.
• House - we are very fortunate to have a house that's big enough for our family with quite a bit of equity. But it's very worn out now, I feel it's a physical representation of our slightly sad family. We had lots of plans for it when we bought it but finances and lack of motivation mean that's not happened. It needs at least £50k to sort it out and we don't have that.
• Health/wellbeing - I'm overweight, I don't eat well, I drink a bit too much, I don't get enough exercise. I don't feel motivated to do much about it, but I know I have to get back on track if I want to be fit and healthy as I get older.
• Friends/social life - almost non-existent. Partly because the people I'd love to spend more time with seem so much happier and sorted out than me (I know appearances can be deceptive), do lots of stuff as families, and have more spare cash for exciting activities.

Wow - that is a pity party. Well done if you got to the end of it. I'm not sure what the point of writing all that out is.

If I could wave a magic wand, I'd be amicably divorced (DH would have a nice new partner too who's actually nice to him), spending quality time with my kids, living in a small, well maintained house, working in a permanent job, taking care of myself, with enough money after essentials for a bit of socialising, a summer holiday and weekend away each year. That's not too much to ask is it... 😂

From what you’ve described none of that sounds unrealistic. What is stopping you from going for it?

re your comment

"If I could wave a magic wand, I'd be amicably divorced (DH would have a nice new partner too who's actually nice to him)"

I think it is HE who should have been a lot bloody nicer to you actually, rather than put yourself down here. He has damaged this marriage by his actions and choices; choices he freely made.

Are there opportunities for retraining in your sector or sideways from it; learning new skill sets or gaining additional qualifications?.

Do not stay in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children; they won't thank you for doing that to them. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

All very achievable. Of that list, I would start with reducing alcohol and finding the permanent job. Will you need to retrain first?
The eating better will follow on naturally from that because with less/no alcohol you will sleep much better.

Then making contact with friends again, low level coffee/pizza if necessary.

Talk to husband about the house- be honest that it isn’t working for you any more.

Definitely give yourself the gift of a divorce for your 50th, but work up to it.

You could do some future focusing....

So - say in 5 years time, which is realistic...think....

My kids will be X and Y ages, so their lives will be like

Ideally and realistically I will be living in place in type of property

I will be working in sort of job, and earning around

The situation with my debts will be _

My relationship with my husband will be _

My relationships with friends (old or new?!) will be

My health and wellbeing will be

Then... break it down in reverse.... so....

If my life is like this, what was the last thing that I actually did to get there?

And what was the thing before that that I did?

And the thing before that, and so on....

This can help you to decide what action you need to take, as sometimes starting at the beginning can be completely overwhelming. This way you roll all of your achievable goals and actions into one, and this will help you know what to do.

Sorry mumsnet has killed my formatting on that post but I hope you get the idea!!

Thank you for the supportive responses. I wasn't sure if I'd get told to stop moaning! I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I agree, I need to make a plan and make some changes. There isn't really much stopping me - although I feel like ending the marriage will be the absolute hardest as my DH desperately does not want that to happen. Although I am not at all sure why as he cant be happy. I think he thinks that the most important thing of all is for us to stay together - I think it's above being happy and fulfilled.

Why aren't you divorcing your DH? That would sort the marriage issue and the kids issue (although obviously will still impact them).
And the other issues may take more time to fix, but eating better and getting exercise can start today.

• divorce
• gym membership/walking/running - whatever appeals
• nutrition

Tackle these before trying to tackle the rest.

You can have those things you want.
Take the first step by speaking with a solicitor about what divorce will look like.

It’s surprising how quickly you can turn around careless budgeting if you check balances every day. Look at where disposable income is going (banking apps show you this - it’s shocking when you first see!) then cut down. Maybe sorting this out is something you could enjoy doing together while you decide about divorce and career?

50 isn’t too old to retrain or start a new way of working / career. Many of us have done this. In fact at 50 you know what you do and don’t want and are more likely to do something you enjoy.

Join slimming world or something like that. The weekly meetings are good for making supportive new friends too.

As a teen, doing things together as a family was something I didn’t enjoy at all, as my parent’s relationship was so dysfunctional. It will be obvious to your DC too. As long as you ensure you have some quality time talking with them, don’t worry about having to do things all together with DH.

I am honestly not sure. I have a very strong sense that I'm not 'allowed' to. I feel as though my DH has positioned himself as pretty vulnerable and fragile over the years. I think he likes to paint himself as a bit of a tragic figure (he refers to himself as a "lost soul"). His parents divorced and I'm sure he would 100% say it is the worst thing that ever happened to him, so he also has a very strong fear about it happening to our kids.

Plus, there is nothing awful happening to me now - he's not violent or abusive or even unkind. He has done abusive things in the past - but it was a long time ago. And as I said, I have carried the load of family life. But again, this load is less now the kids are older.

Everyone we know - including my family - would think I was crazy.

You're allowed to if you're unhappy.
You said you'd had a bit of a shit decade. Do you want to look back at some point and think you allowed the shit decade to turn into 3 shit decades?
You need to not worry what others think, although I understand how hard it would be to tell everyone. "We grew apart and I'm no longer happy" can do a lot of the heavy lifting.

great job breaking down what you need to do to turn things around. Which item on the list do you think you can most successfully tackle first? I’d start with the easiest and work my way up to harder and harder. Work on one item towards the next birthday. Things will be uphill from here!!

Thanks @PoppyBaxter - I know you are right. Just feels so massive. I'm worried about finances, the kids, hurting DH....

@Subwaystop - I know you are right, unfortunately I feel like the biggest, hardest thing is sapping all my energy for the easier things. But I know in reality this probably wouldn't be the case if I actually got on and did something. I think work might be key because if I felt more financially secure it would mean I'd feel more confident about being able to support myself and get a mortgage on my own if I needed to etc.

Start with the path of least resistance. Make a list of things you could change that rely only on your own effort, with minimal impact on anyone else and with little to no input from anyone else required. The obvious ones from your list are your health, followed by your social life. For each of these areas, make a to do list and work down it. So, heath, start walking 30 minutes a day. Cut drinking by half. Stop snacking etc. Social life, make an arrangement to do something with a friend at least once a month, and so on. When you get started on the things you can do by yourself, and start to see improvements it will motivate you to address the bigger things that involve the difficult stuff with other people.

The absolute heart of this is getting the strength to leave the marriage . Yoi need to accept he won't like it but that doesn't even mean it won't be good for him long term

Have therapy if you need it to work out how to leave and let go of the idea yoi aren't allowed to. Stop thinking of others views of it or his anger at you if you do.

You only get one life. And divorce is a completely normal life event. Painful but very very common.

Imagine yourself 2 years in the future actually free .

Also ask yourself. Would you want your children staying in a deeply unhappy marriage. ? If not then don't do it yourself. You aren't helping anyone by suffering.

@lifemakeover reading your story is like looking in a mirror x same boat. At 46, 3 kids, 2 live at home, 20 + 22, one moved out and has 2 kids.
We are allowed to be happy and we just have to be brave and take the first step, I have a grand total of 46p on my running away fund. My inbox is always open if you need a chat, rant, friend xx

You only get one life. Don't waste it with a man who makes you unhappy.

I'm a long time divorced now, but I've never once regretted my decision. What was the alternative? Waking up every morning with a man I didn't like in my bed? That would have been absolutely ghastly.

You sound very switched on OP, and you know what you want - go for it!! One thing at a time - I’m pretty sure you won’t regret it in 5 years time.

Thank you again for all the words of support. I really appreciate it.

The tone of your posts give the impression that your mood is low, everything is an effort, nothing sparks joy, nothing to look forward to. Some would even say you sound depressed so get yourself down to the doctors and request antidepressants. But the reality of that would mean you are medicating yourself to stay in your marriage. Don't drug yourself to stay with a man.

Start the process of divorce and watch yourself become freer, lighter, happier.

If I were you, I would start the divorce process right now. I think that would make you feel better than anything else. Also, cut down on drinking and start taking more exercise. Good luck, OP - I hope things feel more positive soon.

Ha - well it's funny you should say that as I was on ADs a few years back and certainly they worked in that it made life - including my marriage - more bearable. But I totally agree it's just a sticking plaster.

They basically made me not care too much about anything. They are also part of the reason I'm overweight - I stopped caring about what I ate (now I do care but I'm menopausal and find it hard to shift weight). Maybe I should get HRT.

Hi op, well done for deciding to make a change!
If I had one piece of advise that would make the biggest change in all areas is to start strength training, eg weights with a personal trainer if you can afford it or put your booze budget towards body pump classes or reformer Pilates. This will get you socializing and improve your mental and physical health and your appearance too which will
Get you more confident. If you're going to be single and dating you want to look your best. If you move in house you need to be strong!

You are 'allowed' to leave him and he 100% would leave you if it suited him

Start putting things in order of priority

• New job
• Improve your health,
• Start working on debt
• Reconnect with friends and try seek out new ones

Once all of this is in place consider what you want with your marriage.