I know I sound like a dramatic teenager, not someone at the end of their 40s, but I hate my life. I will be 50 next year and I don't want to turn another milestone birthday feeling like this. If I am honest the past 10-15 years have been a bit shit on and off. I feel awful saying that as this time has included having both my kids.
- Marriage - deeply unhappy. Married to, on paper, not a bad man, but there is one very bad thing from the past that didn't get resolved, plus the usual thing of me taking on more than my fair share of everything over the years. We did try couples therapy but the therapist wasn't right for us, and DH made a significant admission that, rightly, shifted the tone of the discussion, but also meant I backed down/away from what I wanted to get out of it. There is no real connection or intimacy - I find it hard to like him. We do nothing together and really I don't want to. While there is no screaming and shouting etc, it's not a good example for our kids.
- Kids - two lovely teenage kids, both generally happy and successful at school and socially, but as I've said, I worry a lot about the impact of our marriage on them. I don't feel like we are proper family - we don't do stuff together. This is my fault as I don't want to spend time with DH.
- Work - I've worked on a freelance basis since having my first child, but the market is getting tougher. I want to return to permanent jobs for the next 15 years of my working life. The sector I work in is being badly hit by cuts though so this feels like a challenge.
- Finances - we have a good income but we also have debt accumulated over the years. Totally our fault and completely irresponsible of us, but we are where we are. Also as the freelancing is less reliable our financial position feels increasingly precarious.
- House - we are very fortunate to have a house that's big enough for our family with quite a bit of equity. But it's very worn out now, I feel it's a physical representation of our slightly sad family. We had lots of plans for it when we bought it but finances and lack of motivation mean that's not happened. It needs at least £50k to sort it out and we don't have that.
- Health/wellbeing - I'm overweight, I don't eat well, I drink a bit too much, I don't get enough exercise. I don't feel motivated to do much about it, but I know I have to get back on track if I want to be fit and healthy as I get older.
- Friends/social life - almost non-existent. Partly because the people I'd love to spend more time with seem so much happier and sorted out than me (I know appearances can be deceptive), do lots of stuff as families, and have more spare cash for exciting activities.
Wow - that is a pity party. Well done if you got to the end of it. I'm not sure what the point of writing all that out is.
If I could wave a magic wand, I'd be amicably divorced (DH would have a nice new partner too who's actually nice to him), spending quality time with my kids, living in a small, well maintained house, working in a permanent job, taking care of myself, with enough money after essentials for a bit of socialising, a summer holiday and weekend away each year. That's not too much to ask is it... 😂