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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend blabbed my business

28 replies

IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 15:50

I have a very close friend who I confide in about most things. Recently I have been chatting to her about my little one’s behaviour which has been very challenging and which I’ve been struggling with. I was looking for some advice on how to deal with this although I have since realised that really only I can decide how to deal with it as I know my child best (as an aside).
I have now realised that she has been chatting about this to at least two other mutual friends (one of whom I definitely wouldn’t have confided in myself). She has been very matter of fact about it along the lines of “I was chatting to x about what has been going on with DS…” like she thinks this is fine.
I don’t think this is fine really and now regret asking her for advice - it has really irked me and is making me re-evaluate things. Maybe if she had mentioned to it to friends I don’t really know I wouldn’t bother but these are mutual friends one of whom in particular I’m not close to.
am I being to touchy about this? Would you be fine with it? I haven’t challenged her on and probably won’t - I will just be very careful about what I share going forward

OP posts:
Iknowaboutpopular · 19/03/2025 16:02

I wouldn't be ok with this. You trusted someone, and they didn't behave the way you would have had the boot been on the other foot. I'm sorry about that, it feels like a huge betrayal doesnt it. To be the topic of someone elses gossip.

Unfortunately other people are not you and some just don't know when to shut the fuck up. Now you know the kind of friend she is. My granny had a saying "loose lips sink ships, don't tell people more than they need to know".
Hard lesson but one worth learning.

Mulledjuice · 19/03/2025 16:06

Tell her calmly that you hadn't intended for her to share what you told her with anyone else and please could she not discuss it further.

Her response will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:07

Yes it really is a lesson learned!

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:09

What I also don’t get is why she has told me she was basically gossiping about me??!!
odd

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:11

She has also shared with me details of her own challenges with her children and I have not repeated that. She also told me she was splitting with her partner months before she told other people and I did not say anything about that to our mutual friends!

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/03/2025 16:11

Because she didn't understand that you wanted it kept private. Did you tell her or did you assume she would know that? Frequently when people are after advice the more the merrier so for example you asking on here.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:15

It’s anonymous on here tho so slightly different iyswim

so I didn’t expressly say don’t tell anyone.

OP posts:
ChiliFiend · 19/03/2025 16:29

If you didn't explicitly say not to tell anyone, and she told you openly about her conversations with others, she must not have realised you wanted it to be private. It's hard to know whether that's reasonable or not without knowing what information she shared, but in these circumstances I would assume she meant well rather than assume she's a gossip who doesn't care about your feelings.

Psychoticbreak · 19/03/2025 16:33

She went behind your back to talk to others so is using your issues for gossip fodder. YOu should never HAVE to tell a friend not to share information you have given them or if you have asked for advice most people would know it is not their business to pass on.

Velmy · 19/03/2025 16:39

Assuming your friend isn't malicious or completely empty headed, if you didn't tell her not to then maybe suck up half the blame on this one?

With all the good will in the world, people talk. It's human nature. If it's something you absolutely, 100% don't want being discussed, I think you have to either make it perfectly clear or keep it to yourself.

Catandsquirrel · 19/03/2025 16:40

I understand you're upset but would you expect this is this something she would consider open for discussion rather than private without specifically saying so?

As in, a young child behaving challengingly may feel fairly run of the mill parents chat and she maybe simply didn't realise it was sensitive.

How would you feel about giving her the benefit of the doubt if she's been a good friend and being clearer if you're speaking in confidence next time?

A different topic, fine, but this, I'm not sure she was unreasonable for not realising it was totally private.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:43

@Catandsquirrel yeah you are probably right. Mainly I don’t think it portrays my child in a good light (or us for that matter as we have been struggling with it) so wouldn’t have expected her just to be discussing with everyone but lesson learned for sur

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 19/03/2025 16:58

It sounds like she's been a bit indiscreet knowing you've had a hard time. But I'm sure nobody is judging any of you, DC is still a kid and you're doing your best

FluffyDashhound · 19/03/2025 17:07

Now going back to the thread about over expecting men to listen and help with emotions and things. This is why us women want men we can talk to as others csnt be trusted to keep their gob shut

NeedToChangeName · 19/03/2025 17:15

I think if you want something kept private you need to (a) keep it to yourself or (b) tell someone it's private but be aware they may not respect that

Otherwise, if people think you're just chatting, they wouldn't necessarily realise that you don't want it repeated

RobinHeartella · 19/03/2025 17:16

Yanbu. She's just not someone to confide in. Some people are, some aren't. It's almost a personality thing, some people just blab whatever comes into their head without considering if it's private.

I used to be that kind of person when I was younger but I always stop and think now, and I find it easier to retain friends.

The pps on here saying "you should have told her not to repeat it" are possibly that type of person. As in, the default position is to blab everyone's business unless specifically told not to.

RobinHeartella · 19/03/2025 17:18

FluffyDashhound · 19/03/2025 17:07

Now going back to the thread about over expecting men to listen and help with emotions and things. This is why us women want men we can talk to as others csnt be trusted to keep their gob shut

This is nonsense and a bit misogynistic.

I know plenty of men who chat other people's business. In fact one of our best mates (male) is my main source of friends' news

Catastrophejane · 19/03/2025 21:13

IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 16:43

@Catandsquirrel yeah you are probably right. Mainly I don’t think it portrays my child in a good light (or us for that matter as we have been struggling with it) so wouldn’t have expected her just to be discussing with everyone but lesson learned for sur

Honestly ? I don’t think this is a big secret.

If a friend was talking about their very young child’s challenging behaviour, I wouldn’t assume it was a state secret.

don’t want to offend you, but it’s really too boring to be classed as gossip.

you could say to her nicely that you didn’t want the information to be passed on, but it’s unlikely to have been out of malice- someone was probably having a similar issue and your friend said ‘@IDontLikeMondays88 was having same problem with her DC and was saying she is trying X…’

how old is DC? I don’t think anyone is going to judge you if a very young child is playing up. Unless he is torturing cats or something, I think you are ok!!

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 21:52

If it’s so boring then why is she telling everyone about it (genuine question!)

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 19/03/2025 21:57

This would wind me up. When I complained to an acquaintance that a friend had clearly passed on my private business since she knew she said, well people like to gossip. 🙄😡

Pieandchips999 · 19/03/2025 22:03

I read an interesting article about this where it said that everyone has their own internal rules about what is secret and what is shared in a friendship. But they're often based on family experience. This sounds like this type of situation. It sounds like it's quite a normal topic of conversation and not something she felt shameful about. I've told my mum personal information before in a way that to me made it clear it was private and she broadcast it to both my close and wider family. When I pointed out how inappropriate this was she said I didn't tell her it was a secret so how was she to know. She literally doesn't understand as she can't really see other people's perspectives and had so much unresolved trauma

Catastrophejane · 19/03/2025 22:50

IDontLikeMondays88 · 19/03/2025 21:52

If it’s so boring then why is she telling everyone about it (genuine question!)

I don’t think she is telling everyone about it. I think that’s your perspective because you are worried and anxious about it.

Perhaps she shared it because someone else was experiencing a similar issue.

i have a SEN kid and I’ve shared the experiences of other parents with people who are also struggling with similar issues. Granted, I don’t name names, but it’s in the spirit of helping people solve a problem.

YipYapYop · 19/03/2025 23:11

I think that as she told you about conversations she had with others about it she must not realise that you didn't want her to share the information.

I think it's only gossiping really if it's behind your back?

But I would be clear in future if you don't want something shared - unless you don't feel comfortable sharing things with her in future.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 19/03/2025 23:18

Some people consider it a kind of currency to trade. Some people think it shows they ‘care’ that they’re adopting your worries and sharing them. But they’re wrong to assume. It’d be no harm to say to her ‘you know, I regret discussing DD with you. When I tell you something, I don’t want it to be shared,and I didn’t think I needed to spell that out. Let’s move on, but I think I’ll be more mindful of DD’s privacy from now on.’

madaffodil · 19/03/2025 23:47

Oh well, lesson learned. From now on you'll just have to to assume that anyone you speak to is a blabbermouth with verbal diarrhoea who couldn't keep their gob shut if their life depended on it.