Why am I so angry ex has got married?

[Angrygirl]

I discovered by accident today that my ex partner has got married, and I can’t understand why it has got me so riled up.

Not sure if I need someone to tell me I’m just human or I’m being ridiculous.

I went into my archive on WhatsApp for something and spotted his profile picture was him and a bride.

We were together 2 years and finished nearly 3 years ago. He was at the time, the love of my life, but I have since found a wonderful new partner who I’m planning to marry and expecting a baby with. So I don’t understand why I feel so angry about this.

When we were together he was always on the fence about committing. Sometimes cruelly so. One day he’d be buying a family home that he wanted us to live in, next week he’d be considering moving abroad without me. One day suggesting we try for a baby and the next he thought he was better off alone. He’d been married once before and his wife left him and he’d had a string of relationships lasting 1-2 years afterwards. I was apparently the closest he’d ever got to ‘committing’ again but he still always said marriage was off the cards.

I ended it because I just couldn’t take anymore. I think I’d always assumed since we ended that the issue was him, due to his personal problems and inability to commit and that would just never change. He liked to believe (and say!) that he figured when the right woman came along all his relationship problems would disappear without him having to do any actual work on himself… I think I’m angry because it now feels like that was right! As unfair as that is.

I don’t want him back but I just didn’t want him to get a happy ending after the hell he put me through.. and so soon!

I know the girl he’s married. She was in his friendship group and I always thought tbh she was probably his dream woman.

Why does this make me so angry?
why do complete nobheads get their happy ending?!

Honestly, OP, because at least some of the time some of us just want our exes to go around the corner and die. So they aren't out there, existing in the world, breathing, and being a permanent reminder of stuff we'd rather forget.

I'd imagine it's because you feel it confirms your worst fears, that the problem wasn't him, it was you. That you feel like you wasted time on someone who was never going to marry, but it turns out he just didn't want to marry you.

Which is all bollocks of course. You weren't the problem, and neither was he really, the problem was that you weren't right for each other, just like 99% of all relationships ever.

And you didn't waste your time with him either. Had you never met your ex, there's a good chance you'd have ended up going out with someone else, and in so doing never met your partner. And even if you had met your partner, you'd have been someone different and maybe wouldn't have been the right person for your DP.

Yeah, turns out your ex was a bit of a nobhead. But that nobhead got you to where you are now, so can you really begrudge him a bit of happiness too.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful messages. With it being mumsnet I was prepared for some tough love and harsh criticism!

Thinking about it, it’s less about the woman or the marriage really. It’s more that it looks like the past few years have been some of his happiest - I went on their instagrams after not looking for years and it looks like they’re both having a non-stop jolly of nights out, holidays, festivals etc. Whereas I’ve had the hardest few years of my life; caring for a terminally ill parent and then grieving.

im incredibly grateful to have found a partner who’s loved me and been supportive through the worst times (even from the very start of the relationship). But the last few years since we broke up have not been fun or filled with happiness for me in the slightest. It’s been relentlessly difficult.

And that just feels very unfair and not how karma is supposed to work! But it’s just how it goes isn’t it.

Karma doesn't exist, and honestly I've never found the concept to be useful as anything other than a stick to beat yourself with or a way to excuse yourself from being a bit shitty.

Shitty things happen to everyone, both good and bad, they just happen at different times. One day he's going to be the one dealing with the loss of a parent while you're having a marvellous few years. It's all swings and roundabouts in the long run.

Your ex sounds a total pain and you had a lucky escape. But it's still annoying he seems to have his happy endin. But there is no reason to suppose he will behave much better with his new partner. I can see why you are annoyed though

Look upon it, that you both were simply not right for each other. Don't beat yourself up, thinking you weren't good enough to marry, but OK to shack up with. The past is the past. You now have an amazing man, and a baby on the way, and that's what you need to focus on. This man, not only wants to marry you but he also wants children with you. That speaks volumes in itself. A man who blows hot and cold, dithering around, is just draining - and probably partly why you ended the relationship.

Social media is about creating a “happy ending” using carefully chosen photos. It’s not real

You can be angry as long as you want op but it wont change anything he got married to someone else because he didnt want to marry you.
Its the same when an ex goes off to have kids with someone else but didnt have them with you.
You hate him hate is still a feeling.
He will become unimportant and when someone becomes unimportant there is no feelings left we dont forget said people we just forget we had any feelings for them.
Give yourself time be nice to yourself its been 3 years you need to have your own happy ending and live your life dont let anger and jealousy ruin it the past is in the past its time to move on now.

You're normal. My now ex h has treated our children and I appallingly. He's living with his parent gettting meals cooked and clothes washed and has a new girlfriend to feel the big man about. Dickhead. I'm happy on my own and don't want anyone else but livid about how he's giving up on parenting etc.

Thank you all.

It really bothers me that it bothers me. But I think it was just a shock. It will pass

I remember feeling a bit like this about an ex, coincidentally I was also pregnant. So I would say your hormones are also likely clouding things.

Oh yes my abusive ex has ditched his kids got a large inheritance moved on and married someone who is kind and supportive (ok she fully supports him financially and allows him to continue to financially and emotionally abuse his children so she is perfect for him) it's irrational seeing his "perfect wedding" pictures I don't wish to trade places I just wish he would fuck off and die I wish him venereal disease I really resent him getting his happy ending

However I got over it faster than I thought

If he's been married before he met you and then strung you along, I wouldn't mind betting he'll probably string this one along too. Leopards don't change their spots.
I think you have had a lucky escape! Put it down as part of Life's rich tapestry, grab your man and make your own happiness 😊.
Don't look back and good luck!!

It’s because he’s done with someone else what he couldn’t (or didn’t want to)do with you. But remember the way he treated you is still a part of who he is. And what you are seeing on his socials is the illusion of happiness. It doesn’t represent his whole life and it certainly doesn’t mean he has become a better person.

I remember being upset when exdh had a baby with his new partner. He since cheated on her and left her for ow who he has two children with . I no longer do what ifs.

It will pass. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just let yourself feel shit for a few days, maybe take a day at the weekend to go somewhere quiet and beautiful and have a cry. And then move your thoughts back to now.

I’m not sure not wanting to marry someone makes them a nobhead tbh.

The fact is you clearly weren’t right for one another, s what would marriage have achieved other than another divorce?

There are plenty of posters on here who don’t want to marry their partner, or who aren’t sure whether they want to marry their partner for various reasons even though they do love them and don’t want to lose them.

It’s far better to not marry someone if you’re unsure than it is to marry them to keep the peace.

At the end of the day you walked away from him and he has met the person he wants to be with. and clearly you have as well if you’re expecting a baby.

Or do you want him back and are jealous?

Remember, bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

He’s not a bad person for not wanting to marry me.

But he was often very cruel in that he would be asking me to move in one day, then next week saying he’d changed his mind. There was a lot of toying with my emotions and messing with my head because he couldn’t make his mind up as to what he wanted.

And I am jealous yes, I thought I’d admitted that already.

Maybe not jealous in the usual way. But I’m jealous that he’s had a great couple of years with a new partner filled with fun and happiness and holidays while my life since him has been hospices, planning funerals and grieving, although I’m grateful to have had a supportive partner through it.

Do you have kids together OP? I’m wondering why you are still following him on social media, just block him and then you won’t have to see what he’s up to.

What you’re feeling is completely natural and understandable.

He was cruel and entitled in the casual way he’d jerk your emotions around. That’s not what a nice person does.

As a PP says, social media is bollocks and often the couples most on the rocks post the most to represent themselves otherwise.

Comparison is the thief of joy etc. Or maybe more accurately these days, social media is the thief of joy.

Plenty of people in your circle have probably had shit periods, only happy smiley stuff. None of us post our shit lives, which for me in the last couple of years includes a marriage crisis, one parent dying, the other being seriously ill, me having surgery, son having surgery, losing my dog etc. You wouldn't see that from my social media. Even on holiday, even if I post a happy photo, all that is still ongoing or in my mind. You wouldn't have a clue unless you have spoken with me in person and asked.

This should say "Plenty of people in your circle have probably had shit periods, but only share the happy smiley stuff".

Lack of sleep due to too much going on in my life.

Interesting. That might be a part of it. I’m not feeling very emotionally resilient. And the weird pregnancy dreams that have randomly featured him haven’t helped!

Yeah it’s a kick in the teeth because of how he was with you …
The things he use to say going round & round in your head driving you mad !..
I think aswel it feels like rejection , eventhough you have moved on yourself & rejection is a shitty emotion to feel .. Those feelings were there , lying dormant & then when you saw his wedding pics it triggered them .. It’s normal then to feel as you do 🤷🏻‍♀️
However , you have met a lovely man & having a baby , congratulations by the way 🎈.. So you have moved on too …
These feelings will subside again ..
Wishing you well x x

No kids together, thank god.

Hes been blocked on social media and all platforms since the breakup. Which is usually a good thing but that’s why finding this out came as such a surprise tbh as I haven’t seen what he’s been doing for nearly 3 years.

And then temptation got the better of me and I did go digging on her social media.

But have blocked her too now and their separate ‘newly weds’ Instagram page(!) so I’ll go back to not knowing a thing.