Anxiety has ruined my relationship, do I just bite the bullet and walk away?

[TypingMadness]

I apologise in advance as I do not think this will be very cohesive. My husband and I have been married for 13 years now, most of those were a bliss of a very secure and understanding relationship where we were a team.

In the recent years, after covid, some real health issues, and severe PNA I am a mess of a health anxiety spiral. I have engaged with therapy, medications, and doing another round of CBT but nothing seems working. I continue to come for reassurance to my husband. He can't take it anymore. I shut down if I don't go to him. Either way, it is not a happy life. I have read a lot of threads about this and can see how taxing living with someone with severe anxiety is. And deep down, even though I do bear some anger too, I love him and I do not want to make his life miserable because mine is. I mentioned before to him that maybe we should split up as i am making him unhappy. I have a sense that if we didn't have a 2yo together, we woudl have done it. But we have a 2yo, a sizable mortgage and lifestyle that we cannot afford if we were to be divorced.

I don't want to make him unhappy but I do it again and again and again. I cannot seem to get control of my anxiety and, frankly, I am scared I never will. I am trying very hard now with a new therapist but I just cannot see anything helping me. Medication didnt help, it just made me calm, whereas inside I was still as troubled by the thoughts of death. I also have anger that he didnt support me when i was going through the worst PPA/PND and adjusting to life with a baby.

I hate this stupid anxiety, I hate the way our marriage become. I don't want to lose my family but do I actually owe my husband to walk away (I know he won't) so he can be happy without me?

Why are you painting him as the hero and you as the villain? He didn't support you when you needed him the most. No wonder you feel anxious. Great that you've sought treatment. Why are you not acknowledging his poor treatment of you?

How does your husband feel about splitting up?

Anxiety is a bugger and skews the way you feel about yourself but you need to have a talk with your dh and really work out how you both feel.

Have you tried sertraline for the intrusive 'death' thoughts? I find it very effective.

Consider the possibility that what you have isn't generalised anxiety; but something else such as PTSD or complex PTSD. You are still living with a person that you feel conflicted about, but are unable to express that. If I was your friend, I'd be pushing you to look for a therapist who deals with trauma and PTSD.

Change medication as some anti depressants can have problematic side effects. I am not anti meds or CBT but if they aren’t working look for other modalities including psychodynamic, trauma focused, EMDR, and yoga/hiking. Try to get a good review of the whole situation.

At a deep, psychological level you have suffered a traumatic loss of faith in yourself and your husband. Bringing a child into the world is stressful at the best of times but in this COVID haunted world even more so. All the love and fun and security of being “the parents “ feels like it has vanished—like we had a model of a familiar journey we would go on as a happy family to a beautiful spot but the car breaks down, it gets dark, and the road keeps disappearing.

Sometimes the original psychic wound is realizing how lose to death we, or the baby, came while our (wonderful? Frightened ? Overwhelmed?) husband stood nearby without helping.

Consider that you are having an extended bout of PND and that your anxious need to in go to your husband for reassurance is one way to stay connected and to keep him in the loop. It won’t change anything exactly to think this way but I always think being able to see the impulse at the base of a repeated action can bring it more under our control.

@thelnebriati said it faster and mire concisely!

There's something else going on other than you continually 'going for reassurance to your husband', I think -- are you doing it in part, consciously or unconsciously, because you are (understandably) angry at him for failing to support you with PND, and something in you wants to punish him, or at least to drive him to being the one who ends your marriage?

What do you yourself actually want?

I think it is probably I was wrong to say that he did not support me. He supported me the best he could, until he couldnt handle it anymore. my need for support was insatiable. Then also a really scary healthcare happened and I was on my own. I also had imagined that our (at a time) 1 month old had every imaginable disease and disorder - from muscular distrophy, to down's syndrom, to autism. I am very unwell. He couldnt take it. But I still feel anger that I went through hell that year on my own. He did too, also on his own.

And if your husband dropped dead/left for the other side of the world in the morning, to whom would you go for reassurance then? What are you actually asking for when you go to him for reassurance?

I appreciate your thought, but I really do not think that it is that. I think I feel disconnected after the troubles we have had through pregnancy, and post-natal period. I do not feel like he will ever be able to give me support should I need it, I think. All I want is pre-covid life back. Or our pre-pregnancy relationship back. I think so much of our relationship has been broken by what we put each other through.... I want to heal that. But I am not sure it can be healed?

Are you being treated for health anxiety or OCD? That would be another thing to look into. Have a chat with your GP, as there may be another anti depressant thats a better fit for you.

Yes, sertraline here but it does not help whatsoever. I feel too giddy on higher doses and it freaks me out as it is like a manic glee feeling, or it just makes me more regulated (no tears) but still worried inside. My mind is super restless!!!!

Try other medications. Sertraline is an entry level med, you need something else, There are so many to try and they all affect people differently. Talk to your GP, dont give up. You CAN fix this with meds

I’m sending a shoulder squeeze. I have similar issues and was fortunate that no one ever added to my pain by making me feel a burden and awful for it. People around me have always tried in their own way to alleviate my agony. Health anxiety is brutal. I’m sad that added to your internal hell is someone who makes you feel bad for it. I don’t know him or you so I can’t judge him. I can only say I’ve been through what you have and I’ve received words of reassurance and kindness. I’m sorry it’s not been the same for you.

I'm not very good at advice giving, so let me tell you about my relationship as it is from both perspectives.

I moved in with my partner several years ago. At that time he had mild anxiety, but he dealt with it by masking, so I didn't really know anything about it. We were both working, had a fabulous life and were happy. Then covid hit, he had major problems with a person at work deliberately out to undermine him, and he went from someone who occasionally needed a day to himself, to someone curled up under the duvet for 3-4 days at a time. Wouldn't eat, drink, or care for himself in anyway. In fact he just wanted to die. I used to wake in the night and check his breathing just in case .
All this caused major stress between us as he would not talk about it. I began to resent him, the major upheaval I'd made in my life by moving 200 miles away from family. All the usual. I spent my life being angry, he was developing more stress related conditions, ranting his head off, and quite frankly I just wanted to run away from it all.

However, I care for him deeply, so I began to educate myself about anxiety and the trauma associated with it. I was shocked, with both it and my own (negative) responses I'd been giving him. We had just been bouncing pain and anger and fear back and forth from each other. Not deliberately, but because neither of us knew a way out or understood what was going on.

Long story short, I began to tell him how his raging really made me feel (ill and scared), and would walk out of the room and wait for him to calm down. Then once he did, I would eventually get him to talk, to tell me why he was angry, and it was often nothing to do with what he was ranting about. He was confused and scared and this was how it presented in him. He then moved jobs which improved things a lot. I looked at how I could better respond to him and support him, and in turn he began to recognise how I needed support too.

All of this has taken nearly 3 years of hard effort. Our lives are very different now and I miss the people we were but am content with who we have become. Through all of it I never lost sight of his inherent kindness, compassion, and willingness to always help others when he could. It annoys me when I read similar threads to yours and often read the 'advice' of LTB. I wanted to leave his behaviour, but didn't want to leave him, the man I fell in love with, for he was ill, not abusive.

Does he know how to help you? Do you know how he needs to help you?
Does he know what you need help with?Do you know what you need help with? Is he overwhelmed with your needs? Do you know what would reassure you and have you told him?
Do you know why he can't take it anymore? Can you find out what it is he can't take and get him to talk about it.
These and many other questions need to be asked and answered.
But you both have to want to do it. Calmly.

I found that the best thing for us was talking. Calmly, non-accusatory, and matter of factly. Just one subject at a time inbetween other aspects of life so that he wasn't overwhelmed. Eventually conversations became less stilted and he opened up to some pretty major trauma in his past life.
We now have a new normal re our relationship. We both like to share time together and take time apart. We listen to each other, recognise our strengths and weaknesses and live life accordingly.

I am not proud of my initial response to his illness. I thought he was doing/saying things to avoid our general life together. A typical knee jerk reaction really and quite poor.
Education was/ is key. I'm still learning. your DH needs to start.

As I said I'm not good at giving advice really, but in reading this you may seem similarities in your own situation, and a possible pointer in where to start unravelling it all. Good luck.

Did you have a happy childhood? I’m wondering about this because I’m somewhat in a similar situation to you.

I could have written the OPs post. And when I tell you I know exactly how you feel, I do, and then some. During that time I had 4 children under 6, and bad PND after each pregnancy.
Sertraline was not my friend and yes it made me manic same as you. Ended up on the good old fashioned Imipramine. That helped somewhat. Talking therapies will only work if you gel with the therapist, and wow there are bad ones.
I found it does get better as the children get older, nursery, play school, school all eased it a little. Each one a little win towards sanity.
so to the kicker, when my youngest son was 16, he was diagnosed Autistic, and through educating myself found how women present as Autistic and found myself being diagnosed at the grand old age of 50 and some…
basically had spent all those years being triggered by my own children. And of course having children can naturally trigger anxiety and catatrophising to some extent, but with Autisim and the overstimulation it can cause, well you can imagine……
All that considered you can come out the other side, even though in that moment you’d think not.
Im now 60, kids are 30 eldest, 28, 26 and 24, married 42 years, and life’s good.
its shit, I absolutely know it’s shit, but try to hold on, things will improve.

You have tried lots of things, but from your description it sounds like you have both been a factor in where you are now.

Have you tried relationship counselling?

Two thoughts occur here.
I don’t wish to ask your age, but is it possible that you are suffering from anxiety in perimenopause? For many women the 5 years or so before meno kicks in can be absolutely blighted by anxiety that CBT and meds cannot touch as it’s the hormones that require adjustment - worth a thought?
Also, have you looked into any physical causes? Very low vitamin D levels can really affect mood and it’s easy to cure.
Maybe you’ve considered this, so sorry if so.
As for using your husband as the first port of call for reassurance, I think that’s natural for many of us, and right to a degree that you do. I hope one day when you feel better that you can look back on this time as a period when you relied on him and he was happy to help- it won’t last forever.
Could you consider couples counselling to address it professionally? Some employers offer it for a few free sessions via their occupational health systems.
Finally, check out the “Shout” app if you haven’t already, it’s an anonymous way of venting to an impartial stranger.
Best wishes.

Thank you for your reply and sharing all of this. I just want to say that you an amazing person, to have done this for your partner. I do not want to walk away because I resent my other half or find it difficult. I just dont see how I can be different and clearly we are not giving each other what the other one needs. I am trying to work on myself, but whenever I voiced anything that bothered me or asked more of my partner, he firmly states that it is just me. He refused to go to couple counselling. And I think he believes that I am the problem, not him. Maybe he is right. Maybe I completely burned him down and wore him down with my relentless anxiety. And he is just empty and has nothign to give. Either way... I just dont know whether I should liberate him off me as I know he won't make that step himself, even if he wants it. Our Financial situation, son and his principles (if you get married, you stay together no matter what) will preclude him from doing so. Sometimes I feel even hurt by it, knowing that in all likelihood he is only staying in this marriage because of these, rather than any feelings. I don't know if he has any feelings left. Probably they are incredibly complex, just like mine.

I would say I did, until I was 16. Then my world was shaken by a nasty divorce, my mother left my father, and i stayed with him, once out of the pain he was feeling he was chasing her down with a knife... I was sexually abused by an older man around that time. A lot of my family struggled with anxiety so i think it came from there, but recently it has gotten so much worse as I had a very real and scary health scare and I am still shook by that.

Oh my god, thank you so much for reaching out and wow, what a journey you have had! I can imagine it was a shock to you getting that diagnosis, but also somewhat a validation? I most definitely have ADHD but wonder whether I could be autistic myself. I have obsessed most of my child's two years of life about autism too. My partner though rolls his eyes at all of this. I do wonder sometimes whether I should get onto the waitlist for assessment. I am also so glad to hear you are doing well now. And yes, things are much easier now since my child turned 2 compared to earlier. Thank you again for your reply, and all the best to you xx

Also, you are an asbolute Rockstar! 4 children!! Hats off to you!

Oh totally, I am definitely a factor. Heck, I'd say the main driver. No, I'd really like to try relationship counselling but my husband is adamantly against.

It’s funny, I’m very much suspecting I have ADHD as well.
And yes, a diagnosis is very validating, and for me put some sense of “I’m not crazy after all” It all just fell into place.
yes if you suspect you are, get yourself on the waiting list, as a diagnosis can open doors to extra accommodations in some walks of life..
I’m rooting for you, don’t be too hard on yourself, baby steps.

I am so so sorry you feel this way. I wanted to reply to you because I have been through similar, I say BEEN because my anxiety is much better, and I am still with my husband so I hope this gives you hope that you can get better. During covid I had a severe nervouse breakdown, and my husband really did nit know what to do with me. I had severe anxiety, a toddler and a new baby. I stuck to my husband like glue and just wanted his company. I know how tiring this was for him, but I also know now that he did not treat me very well during this time. He would walk out the door everyday, come home late, not help with anything and I was a mess. Anxiety magnifies our emotions so much, so i stead of feeling a little left out, I felt desperately lonely, instead of sad I was desperately depressed, instead of peed off I was so angry. I stumbled across a fantastic book which eventually helped me start to heal, Claire Weeks Self Help For your Nerves, I recommend it to anyone, as like you tablets etc were getting me no where. Please don’t leave your husband, tell him your feeling very unsupported and how the anxiety is making you feel, read the book to understand how anxiety works. Me and my husband are still together, and now that my anxiety is better, i was able to tell him that he had not been very kind to me when I needed him, he was able to apologise and our relationship is all the better for it atm (although we have some other stuff going on) dont be too hard on yourself, you are going through a tough time, you are unwell and you need your husbands support, but you will get better :) x

Just wanted to say I know exactly what you are going through, I was suicidal in my 20s with intrusive thoughts and health anxiety with my kids and myself! I daily think I’m having a stroke or have cops, I fear petrified of death and dying. It’s the most awful thing. I’m in my 40s now and I feel it’s getting worse as I know I’m older. I’ve been on and off antidepressants for 20s but they only help for a bit. 2 of my children have asd and I’m being assessed for adhd, most of my family think I’m autistic too but I’m not sure. It sounds like you have ptsd too, I think I do from childbirth and the way I was treated following it. Being badly treated or betrayed affects me horrendously whereby I feel physical pain and struggle to move past things too. Anyway I cope things get better for you, I do have good days and I try to focus on that xx