Anxiety has ruined my relationship, do I just bite the bullet and walk away?

[TypingMadness]

I apologise in advance as I do not think this will be very cohesive. My husband and I have been married for 13 years now, most of those were a bliss of a very secure and understanding relationship where we were a team.

In the recent years, after covid, some real health issues, and severe PNA I am a mess of a health anxiety spiral. I have engaged with therapy, medications, and doing another round of CBT but nothing seems working. I continue to come for reassurance to my husband. He can't take it anymore. I shut down if I don't go to him. Either way, it is not a happy life. I have read a lot of threads about this and can see how taxing living with someone with severe anxiety is. And deep down, even though I do bear some anger too, I love him and I do not want to make his life miserable because mine is. I mentioned before to him that maybe we should split up as i am making him unhappy. I have a sense that if we didn't have a 2yo together, we woudl have done it. But we have a 2yo, a sizable mortgage and lifestyle that we cannot afford if we were to be divorced.

I don't want to make him unhappy but I do it again and again and again. I cannot seem to get control of my anxiety and, frankly, I am scared I never will. I am trying very hard now with a new therapist but I just cannot see anything helping me. Medication didnt help, it just made me calm, whereas inside I was still as troubled by the thoughts of death. I also have anger that he didnt support me when i was going through the worst PPA/PND and adjusting to life with a baby.

I hate this stupid anxiety, I hate the way our marriage become. I don't want to lose my family but do I actually owe my husband to walk away (I know he won't) so he can be happy without me?

Please read Claire Weeks Self Help For Your Nerves, shes known as the lady who cracked the anxiety code and is the reason I am completely healed from my anxiety :) www.amazon.co.uk/SELF-HELP-YOUR-NERVES-overcoming-anxiety/dp/0722531559/ref=asc_df_0722531559?mcid=2e008b93a9ad383a8bb4433c1a1d0839&hvocijid=201453453319255908-0722531559-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=201453453319255908&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9190076&hvtargid=pla-2281435178138&psc=1&gad_source=1

I had a similar experience and would continually approach my ex husband for support and reassurance which I didn’t get. He was very vocal about his annoyance. At times it felt like an addiction and I knew I was doing it but I couldn’t stop myself.

We divorced and i still have anxiety but it’s manageable. I do not approach anyone for reassurance. I have thought a lot about why I did this and I think I was trying to connect with him and seek reassurance from him because I had felt alone and abandoned by him emotionally.

Thank you so much x

Hi @TypingMadness, I too suffer from health anxiety and I still spiral sometimes, although I’m 100 times better than I was 5-6 years ago. It came on very suddenly and if I’m on honest I was suffering a breakdown. I was put on sertraline but could only cope with the side effects for a few days and came off it. I paid for private counselling whilst I was waiting for NHS talking therapies, I was diagnosed as being too complex for their general programme so had to wait nearly a year for a place on their more complex programme.

Initially my NHS therapist tried CBT, it didn’t really help, talking didn’t overly help, however we then moved on to EMDR therapy and it worked amazingly for me. It took a lot of sessions but I’m in a lot better place now.

I still have anxiety, but it’s not on the level it was. Prior to starting the EMDR, I moved back in with my parents as I literally could not be alone. I slept with my door open and made sure my Mum checked me when she got up in the night incase I’d died or was seriously ill suddenly. I literally couldn’t focus on anything other than my panic that I was dying, it consumed me 24/7. I used to sit crying to my Mum for reassurance (I needed constant reassurance) I wasn’t dying and I was okay. Looking back it must have been hell for her but she was so incredibly patient, she was the only person it my family who could cope with it and support me. For emergencies, when I needed a break and literally couldn’t cope with the anxiety and I was having my very worst panic attacks (think trip to out of hours or A&E because I was convinced I was having a heart attack) I would take a lorazepam. I’d take half a tablet and it would allow my body to calm and eventually sleep. The nothingness was wonderful. I used it very sparingly, probably 6 or so times over a 12 month period, but it helped when I was at absolute rock bottom. I found it lowered my fight or flight response enough to break the cycle for a little bit and let me get a little bit back in control. The GP wouldn’t prescribe it to me ever, however the hospital did (only got given a few doses twice) so I kept them as a safety blanket. For me it was a life saver.

I’m sorry for the long post, I just wanted to show that you can reach rock bottom with health anxiety but things can improve, you can learn to deal with it better, you just have to find the therapy which works best for you. I’d definitely look into EDMR and see if your therapist uses it and if not can they refer you to someone that does. It really was a game changer for me. I still get anxiety and I occasionally spiral, however I’m so much better with dealing with it now and can pull my self out of it a lot better. Also remember Google is not your friend.

I wish you the very best, anxiety is incredibly isolating and will be very hard on your relationship. Concentrate on working on yourself and then once you are in a better place you can work on your relationship. Without working on yourself and improving your anxiety, you’ll never really be able to improve the relationship so it has to come first.

Have you tried other medications there are many types and it’s often about finding the right one ? Keep trying .also cbt is not the right type of therapy for some people ( wasn’t for me as I needed to get to the real reason why I felt the way I did and work through that . I would advise another medication and perhaps a different type of therapy before your marriage end

How do you feel? Do you feel better?