'Don't separate from your partner in the first year after having a baby'

[Cinai2]

...for the reason being that you're both in the trenches and not thinking straight, plus hormones all over the place.

I'm wondering if that's true? If you were pretty sure your relationship is over a few months after having a baby but you stayed, did things improve later down the line and are you glad you stayed?

What do you mean by your relationship being over? If abusive then obviously you have to leave. But if you’re just generally both sleep deprived, irritable and sex is the last thing on your mind… definitely wait a year!

I totally agree. That is the crucial time for the rest of your relationship and how it will be going forward. Just hang on in there. Not talking about abusive relationship obviously

Constant bickering, resentment, him having developed a short fuse and can get upset over trivial things, no closeness or joy in doing things together anymore

I was told to wait 2 years. I wish I'd gone with my gut and left the nasty shit.

I honestly believe everyone falls apart after having babies, men and women- I didn’t recognise myself or friends in the early years of having kids, as for our relationship, we turned into petty assholes towards each other- trying to outdo each other on who was more tired etc etc. And everyone is telling you do talk and go on date nights and you’re thinking‘I just want sleep and him to stop being so lazy’ when he’s juggling too. I’d honestly say your quote is right, you’re both in the hardest part (and you need to talk and have date nights. I hate saying it but I wish we’d done this)

Absolute bollocks.

I have been murdered, and most likely my then toddlers, if I'd followed that advice.

I've never regretted leaving.

as for our relationship, we turned into petty assholes towards each other- trying to outdo each other on who was more tired etc etc

I can so relate to this! We became experts at competitive martyrdom. When I look back I barely recognize myself that first six months or so. But I'm grateful we hung in there...married 30+ years now and quite happy together.

It's not unusual for that first year to be very strained. It is after all a major life change and a huge adjustment. And obviously if there's violence or abuse then that's completely different.

In my case the belittling & contempt started before we left the maternity unit. He morphed from a normal human being into a nasty controlling individual.

I spent the next two years trying to persuade him to behave normally, then I gave up, took ds and left.

I knew within a week of ds being born that ex had changed although I didn't then understand why.

This feels like terrible advice. Abuse often start or intensities during pregnancy or post-partum, so this is a time when women sadly need to be most on their gard, not being encouraged to ignore red flags incase it's hormones.

I think usually what happens is the woman becomes a frog in boiling water. By the time a year is up she's used to doing all the shitwork.

I imagine the number of women with a baby under one who choose to leave their partner without there being serious issues such as his cheating, abuse, neglect, poor parenting or abdication of responsibility are fairly few tbh. Almost certainly too few for a saying to be needed to stop women making a huge mistake. Perhaps there could be a saying for men though? "Dont leave your partner when she's under a year post partum, just because you've decided life was nicer when she wasnt in the trenches with her hormones all over the place"?

I left now ex dh when dd was 6 months old. We’d been together 5 years by that point. Having her showed me how truly awful and selfish he was. I thought it would be easier for dd long term if I left when she was too young to remember us being together and it was definitely the right decision (dd is 22 now). Ex dh is still a selfish arsehole - he’s just not my problem anymore!

There’s a difference between abuse and bickering/resentment though.

Waiting a year would have made it harder for him to claim that I was nuts with PPD when I was actually being driven batshit by his behaviour including deliberately keeping me awake at night, interfering with BF and spending every penny on random shite he liked to eat and pointless gadgets.

However, I'd have then gone even more batshit by not having slept for more than a couple of hours every 24 for a year, rather than for 9 months.

If it's just not fun at the moment, that's not the same as somebody either deliberately or thoughtlessly making your life a living hell.

I would say that’s good advice unless there’s abuse involved

I think if theres already cracks there youve covered up prior to the baby eg behaviours then being sleep deprived, resentment that the others not pulling their weight etc will only amplify them. If your gut say leave, it might be best

I followed this advice but left shortly after our child turned 1. Before we had our child he was avoidant and non-comital but I thought having a baby was a sign that he wanted to have his own family (that’s what he said). Shortly after our child was born he turned into the biggest mummy’s boy who was telling me one thing and thinking and doing another. Having a child made me less tolerant of his bullshit and more focused on building a stable future for me and my child. And it wasn’t going to be with someone like him

My parents talked sleep deprived, gaslit, abused me into going back for more after the first punch when DS was weeks old. Took me another year living as a shell of myself to realise (largely because of this site) that I had been right first time. Took me another seven years to get over what my parents made me do.

Abuse often starts when a baby arrives, and the abuser is no longer the centre of attention.

When I was pregnant, and when my eldest was a baby, I would often end up locking myself in the bathroom with the baby, sobbing, whilst my ex stood outside the door and shouted at me about how I'd ruined his life.

You know what, I didn't leave. Because I thought he was just stressed, and it would settle down. I didn't recognise that it was abuse.

I left after 21 years, and was a shell of mysby then.

I understand the advice and I think for a generally good and respectful relationship, it might work.

However it's not for me. I would not have been able to forgive or look at him the same ever again if he had left all the hard work of raising a newborn to me. If he had failed to step up when I needed him.

Fortunately he did step up and I love him more than before, because of it.

This was almost the exact same for me. I reasoned if me being pregnant/having a newborn didn't make him pull his finger out and stop being a lazy, entitled, selfish twat then it was never going to improve. So I left when DS was 6 months old with the thinking that I was undoubtedly going to split with him, so best to do it before DS was aware.
I would say that it was an unplanned pregnancy in a fairly new relationship, so not like we were married and had intentionally planned children together - perhaps the advice in the OP would apply differently in that case

Good idea, so long as there is no abuse going on. If the two of you are exhausted and disorientated and on a shorter fuse than usual it is well worth waiting it out for a year.

I was given that advice. Then he hurt the baby.

i think if it’s irritability not personally directed and no romantic time or affection then yeah sure just get through it. But honestly I think many many woman just know after a baby that this man has changed and is not a good man after all. If you are feeling he’s not a good man then leave asap don’t wait a year. If you still think he’s a good man and just not a good partner anymore then yes that can be worked through. Although personally if he’s turned I to a shit partner not pulling his weight I’d still leave these days because to get over that I need remorse and massive efforts to undo the damage and accept responsibility. How many men would admit to being selfish lazy and immature jealous of their own baby?!

I knew when my baby was 8 months old that my relationship was over. He was a selfish prick who woke me at 5am every morning to ‘make the most of the day’. The baby slept through from the get go so I had zero sleepless nights from the baby, just him! And then he’d go to bed all afternoon because he was tired. Leaving me to look after a now wide awake baby. That was just the tip of the iceberg. I kicked him out when baby was 2. And I should have done it a lot sooner. If it’s not working it’s not working.

This thread is a sad but important read.