How would you respond/react to this?

[overtherainbow03]

For context I (21 F) have been with my partner (20 M) for over two years, at the end of last year we got engaged. I have recently found out he has been subscribing to multiple accounts on Only Fans. I am really not sure how to handle to situation and if I am completely honest this is end of the relationship for me. But I am not sure how to go about it. Can someone please give me some advice?

I'd be about as transparent as he has been with you and block him.

Have you ever ended a relationship before?

Some things from the top of my head:

• Be firm. Don't make room for conversation
• You have decided to end the relationship. You don't need his approval to do so. He can be angry, he can cry, he can think you're overreacting. This is irrelevant.
• Give a short message. Don't beat around the bush. "I've found your OF accounts. This doesn't allign with my values and I've decided to end things between us."
• You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to listen to his reasons. You don't have to give him space to change your mind. This is not a conversation to decide whether it's over. It's a statement.

Be sure to have this conversation somewhere you can leave from. Do you live together?

Block him. Don't give him an explanation and flog your engagement ring.

thank you for this. I have never been the one to walk away or end a relationship before. So I’m a little lost.

Unfortunately we do live together. I am planning on packing up all his belongings this week. He works away from home 50% of the time, and that also results in him having no phone for weeks on end due to the nature of the job.

So he is due to come home on the 7th of April but by then I’ll have already grieved the loss of what I thought our future would look like. So when he eventually comes home I won’t be sad anymore.

He is deliberately taking decisions to sabotage your relationship for some momentary pleasure. I wonder what sort of excuses he has given you to justify his actions.

And you are the one reeling from it wondering why you are not enough.

Whatever you say to him, he will spin you a story of some sort in order to keep you around. Then it will happen again, and again, till you are a shadow of yourself. And you are only 21. Remember your worth, even if he cant, or will claim that everyone does it now day, this only fans.

Let this be a little relationship blip and dont let it become a life sentence by staying because the thought of starting over, missing him or whatever is worse, believe me when I say this, if he feels only fans is exciting, he will eventually get the wondering eye too, and it shows such lack of respect too, towards you, and other women in general. yukkkk.

I think at your age I would walk away. Realistically all men look at porn. But it’s a scale. Some view the odd random video, some use it to replace actual intimacy with a partner and some spend a small fortune interacting with sex workers and think because they pay it’s not cheating.

Everyone’s boundaries are different and I think it’s a good lesson to make your boundaries clear from the start in your next relationship and don’t let those boundaries be crossed without repercussions. Good on you for knowing your worth and what you are willing to put up with. Men like him are unlikely to change without serious invention. Don’t waste your time.

Do you own or rent. Can you afford it on your own, is he on the lease. He sounds a waste of time but you can't just kick him out of his home. Does he know its over.

I pay the rent, the bills and everything. He doesn’t contribute. It’s not his home as we’ve only been living together for a few months. Which is where it’s started to go down hill. He doesn’t know it’s over because he hasn’t got a form of communication for a few more weeks yet!

I'd say it depends if you think he will go without a fight.
The calm and mature option would be to have everything packed up, tell him when he arrives on the 7th that he needs to find somewhere else to live and give him x days to do it.
But if at all possible (and he has no legal right to live in your home) I'd want to not have him come back to the house again. So can you bsolutely cannot get any message to him before he lands in the doorstep in April? Could you pack his stuff up and drop it to a friend or family member? Although that might be dubious ethically, I'm assuming dumping someone's possessions would be considered inappropriate.

My plan would depend if you know he has anywhere else to go.
I'd be uncomfortable giving someone zero notice to move out if their only option was sleeping on the street that night. But I'd want him out ASAP.

thank you for this. I think if I have everything packed up and say that needs to find somewhere in a few days. Then that might be the better option. He has family and friends to stay with but I wouldn’t want him to have to sleep in his car or something.

I won’t get to speak to him until he arrives back in the uk on 7th. Which means he won’t know anything until then. So I don’t want his whole world to come crashing down because at the end of the day I love him and I do not want to leave but I haven’t been left with another option.

Isn't Only Fans just the modern equivalent of what was Page 3? Seems like storm in a tea cup to me.

No you can ask for private face time calls, and talk to them 1-to-1 which he has done as I have seen his online banking

Ugh. You are doing the right thing. You are so young op to be tied to a sleaze. You can do better.

It's perfectly okay for this to be a boundary of yours.
No one should try to tell you that you're overreacting. Everyone is free to decide what their relationship values are.
A real boundary isn't made with words, but with actions. Saying you don't agree with something, but not acting on it and staying where you are, is just telling him that he can get way with anything.

Is he in the forces?

You are doing the right thing to walk away. well done for being so strong.

He is in the forces yes.

thank you, it’s really difficult as I’ve never had to walk away before.

Thank you so much, it just feels like my whole future is gone. I am absolutely devastated but I can’t force myself to stay with someone because my love for him isn’t enough.

I think you need to let him know before he comes back. It’s hard enough to break up and have to throw someone out but if he comes home thinking everything is fine and looking forward to a reunion with you, only to be met with your bombshell, that’s even more difficult. You should be able to contact his CO or have some way of getting a message to him before he arrives on your doorstep? I’d suggest you have someone with you in the house when he comes back.

@overtherainbow03 and what pleasure does he get out of that? I don't understand.

I have reached out to his unit welfare, in hope that they will be able to pass on a message and also help me with support to ensure that he is not left without a place to stay when he arrives home.

You’ve done the right thing, there’s very little in this relationship for you.

He’s barely around, you finance your whole living situation and he cheats; being single is way better than that.

Take care of yourself and don’t let him weasel his way back into your life. This is the honeymoon period of your relationship and he’s spending his free time paying for dirty talk with other women 🤷‍♀️

For someone with no means of communication for weeks at a time, you'd think he would be overjoyed to have you to himself when he is home! Not getting on the blower to sex workers.

exactly I am not sure myself but I do not want to stick around to find out either

Exactly, I am not saying that I am amazing but I won't lie either and we were trying for a baby after a previous miscarriage. So this relationship holds a lot of value to me and always will be because I lost a part of what should have been our future.

I am 100% better off alone than with someone who doesn't value what he has. At the end of they day he will realise what he has lost and beg for forgiveness but that ship sailed the day he set up an only fans account.