37weeks and partner doesn’t feel bump

[Moomin88]

Named changed but long time poster/mumsnet user.
Been with DP 5 years, we have a 2.5 year old together and a teen each from previous relationships. I am currently over 37 weeks pregnant.
Since the birth of our toddler things have been bad between us - we don’t share a bed (due to me getting 1-2 hours broken sleep a night and needing baby in bed with me to survive), our toddler finally sleeps but the sleep arrangement has stayed the same, we don’t do anything as a couple - don’t even sit next to each other, we have no family help anyway even if we did want to go on a date (I’d like to). Anyway, this pregnancy was a surprise but I’ve come to accept and be happy about it but DP basically has made zero effort to connect with bump other than when I really bug him and say how important it is to talk and feel the baby move. He says yes he needs to try more but that it’s difficult because we are often on bad terms with one another - but nothing changes. I’m at the end of the pregnancy and I can’t remember the last time he even asked how the baby is let alone felt them move. I’m heartbroken for this little one and am at the stage where I feel like I don’t want him at the birth - how can I hand my precious baby over to him when he’s cared so little about them during the pregnancy?
we are on the waiting list for couples counselling but I truly don’t know what to do. We are stuck in a cycle of both feeling uncared and resent one another but how can we get out of it? Do I have him here for the birth or just accept the relationship is over? So so sad about how things have turned out.

My darling, I'm so sorry, but it looks like he's opting out of your relationship & not at all happy with the prosect of having another baby. Counselling may help, but I think that you need to be prepared for him to leave.

Doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship tbh

Even if the relationship is over, you still need to do your side of facilitating a relationship with their Dad. It may well be different once baby is out and seen as a person in their own right.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions about splitting until you are through the early months and into counselling.

I think you’re conflating entirely different things — interest in the pregnancy and the relationship. I don’t think I paid a great deal of attention to my own pregnancy most of the time outside of scans etc, I was so busy, and I was working in another country to DH so he didn’t get to spend a great deal of time with unborn DS or me until I went on mat leave. But our relationship was strong.

Your relationship sounds as if it’s in serious trouble, and an unplanned pregnancy has brought that to crisis point. If you think there’s anything worth saving, I’d pay for private couples counselling and start immediately.

Well it sounds like the last thing either of you needed was another baby thrown into the mix. He's not going to be wildly enthusiastic about it when you're already frazzled with a toddler and your marriage is in a very bad place. It isn't exactly something for him to get excited about. In fact, quite the opposite. I would wait until the baby is born until you make any decisions but it does sound as though the relationship is over.

I agree to this. And not trying to minimise anything but many men don’t connect to the baby until it is born so that on its own would not particularly be a deal breaker, in my opinion, However you have raised other valid concerns

are you both able to get some counselling to discuss what’s happening (together/ separately) and maybe also review if there is some perinatal anxiety/ depression occurring for either of you?

often during this time of life mental health services are more accessible and funded than other times so it might be a good time? I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time

He doesn't sound invested in your relationship, but I wouldn't be concerned about not touching the bump or talking to it. My partner had no interest in either of my bumps but is a brilliant dad and partner - he just didn't feel connected to a baby in a bump.

Tbh I am going to go against pp and say I don’t think your marriage or relationship is over. It’s a stormy patch. We have had that too. And an unplanned pregnancy. It’s hard to see the light but when kids are a wee bit older you will start to have more time for each other and wherever you can at the moment you need to feed your relationship with good things - even small things thanks you and cups of tea and giving each other breaks etc.
i strongly believe in the rule of no divorces while any children are under 2 - you’re not thinking straight.

but DP basically has made zero effort to connect with bump other than when I really bug him and say how important it is to talk and feel the baby move

I don’t really understand this? Babies in utero can hear voices, they don’t need to be ‘spoken to’. They wouldn’t understand someone is talking to them. I never spoke to any of my babies in utero, and I would have been completely weirded out if DH had of! Same with feeling baby move. They don’t realise you are ‘touching them’ per se. I would palpate mine when an older gestation to see what parts I could identify, but I would have freaked if DH had of done it as he’s not exactly an ob (or indeed medical at all), so no idea why. He was a brilliant, engaged, completely hands on dad who had a great relationship with all our kids from the moment each was born.

It seems as though you are conflating what is obviously a relationship issue with what a dad to be needs to do!

You’re in the trenches.

How are you planning to manage having your toddler and a newborn cosleeping?

I've got a 2 week old and don't think I ever felt a particular connection to the bump. It felt very stressful and surreal knowing a baby would be joining our already busy life (first time around we were blissfully ignorant 😂). I don't think you can bug someone into connecting with a bump.

Also, my baby was breach and other half barely felt him kick at all for the whole pregnancy, it hasn't affected his bond.

Seems like there are far more serious issues in your relationship than just not connecting with bump. If it's any consolation my partner never/rarely touched my bump on both pregnancies because he didn't like the feel of baby moving and felt silly talking to my tummy. To be honest the whole moving around inside me felt weird to me too! Now they are here (5 year old and 1 year old) he is the most doting dad. Loves them to pieces.

It gave me the ick if anyone touched or spoke to my bump including my ex H.
I think you have totally disconnected from each other. It’s easy done with small children.

I don't think not talking to an unborn baby who can't hear you is the issue here

Frequently being on bad terms at this crucial time for your relationship is a huge issue though

Life is hard when you have young children, and the more you have, the harder it is. And maintaining a healthy relationship alongside takes work, and effort on both sides. What I would say, is that whether you split up or not, whether your marriage works or not, your children deserve to have the best relationship possible with their father, and I think you need to encourage this to the best of your ability, including allowing/ encouraging him to be present at the birth of your child. I know some people will disagree with me, on the basis that “mum has final say on who is there”, and yes, she does, but … your priority really needs to be your child.
And absolutely try for couples counselling, and be honest with him about what you, and your children need from him.

I don't think it's important that he feels the bump but it does seem like you need help as a couple. Good luck with the counselling.

What a weird thing - the desire for him to paw your bump. It is YOUR bump.

The priority should have been to get the toddler into their own bed, and to have time together as a couple. The co sleeping can wreck relationships and mean neither parent gets any space or time to relax. It’s standing in the way of your time for each other.

All these “its no problem! No ine rver touched my bump” are missing the obvious fact that the relationship has broken down since the toddler arrived and he has explicitly told her that the relationship is bad. Maybe he is suddenly going to feel his milk come in for this new baby after the birth. But it is far more like he is angry because he wants out and the new baby makes it more complicated to run away.

Men do not necessarily connect with a new baby the way a woman/mother does. I would not be expecting my husband to talk to and touch my bump on a regular basis and I would not take this as a sign of him not being interested. With a toddler on your hands, arguments in the house and all the daily activities and busy family life, I really don’t think you should focus on this specific issue.

You do mention other issues in your relationship and I would very much focus on those. I think it’s fair to say that most couples go through a very challenging time in the years after babies arrive. It is a very draining, very stressful period for everyone and some instability in the relationship is normal. I would try and view your relationship in an objective way and consider whether there is mutual respect and support and whether you think it is worth putting in the effort from both sides to get through these difficult years together. If the answer is yes, then that’s great.

Engaging with somebody’s stomach should not be an indication of whether someone will be a good father.

Him talking to your stomach/womb is not the issue here, and he's right that it's not going to be very appealing when the two of you aren't getting on, because it's you he'd having to be close to and communicating with and neither of you are in that space. To make this about the bump and how pregnant you are feels like amping up how bad he is versus how good you're being and won't help matters even if it's true. If you want to stay in this relationship - which doesn't sound like the best idea to me - then don't go looking for problems, you have enough already.

Whatever your feelings do not ban the father from the birth of his child.

Things must have been very difficult for you, for you to move into your own room.
Practical sleeping arrangements made it hard for you two to have incidental contact, affection, talks etc. Teenagers in the house also take a lot of attention and communication.
It's a shame you could not have sourced external help when your first child was not sleeping.
There is still hope.

Seek out couples counselling and also both agree/decide to treat each other with respect.
Utterly no room for speaking poorly or behaving snitchy - so that means you treat each other like the lovely parent of the new baby. You do allow DP to witness the birth and hope a feeling of devotion to the baby developes. Many fathers don't pay much notice to the bump.

More importantly is that your DP developes a close and practical realationship with your first born. Sort out 2.5 yr's sleeping and get him used to Dad being the first point of contact.
Use your teenagers for a few minutes baby sitting regularly.

Start taking a daily walk together in a garden, or nature.
Sit down together for at least one meal per day.

I hope a closeness reappears in your relationship - you both need to put in more than 50% and have faith in each other.

Put aside resentment and offer informative conversation, interesting conversation, complimentary communication, sitting together, watching the same film. Really simple sharing of the same moments. Forgive in your partner what you would want them to over look about you.

Obviously each to their own @HoppingPavlova I used to chat and sing to my babies when they were in my womb, and I didn't force myself to do it because it was good for them, I just did it naturally.

I had a little human being inside me and I just "nature ally" talked to them - I suppose I mainly did that when we were alone together, but only because when others were there I was probably usually busy, although when relaxing in the evening with my exDH, and the baby kicked or wriggled, I would say something like, are you going to be a footballer, or if I was in bed, something like, right, we both need our sleep now, so shall we have a little snooze now? I never forced myself to talk to him or her, but I did tell them how much I loved them - a lot of times!

I suppose that you find my natural reaction to my growing humans, rather strange? By the way, I disagree about whether my baby knew whether I was talking to him or her, I know that they did, especially when they responded! They also knew my touch, bless them ❤️