37weeks and partner doesn’t feel bump

[Moomin88]

Named changed but long time poster/mumsnet user.
Been with DP 5 years, we have a 2.5 year old together and a teen each from previous relationships. I am currently over 37 weeks pregnant.
Since the birth of our toddler things have been bad between us - we don’t share a bed (due to me getting 1-2 hours broken sleep a night and needing baby in bed with me to survive), our toddler finally sleeps but the sleep arrangement has stayed the same, we don’t do anything as a couple - don’t even sit next to each other, we have no family help anyway even if we did want to go on a date (I’d like to). Anyway, this pregnancy was a surprise but I’ve come to accept and be happy about it but DP basically has made zero effort to connect with bump other than when I really bug him and say how important it is to talk and feel the baby move. He says yes he needs to try more but that it’s difficult because we are often on bad terms with one another - but nothing changes. I’m at the end of the pregnancy and I can’t remember the last time he even asked how the baby is let alone felt them move. I’m heartbroken for this little one and am at the stage where I feel like I don’t want him at the birth - how can I hand my precious baby over to him when he’s cared so little about them during the pregnancy?
we are on the waiting list for couples counselling but I truly don’t know what to do. We are stuck in a cycle of both feeling uncared and resent one another but how can we get out of it? Do I have him here for the birth or just accept the relationship is over? So so sad about how things have turned out.

Sorry @Moomin88 I didn't mean to ignore you, but I hope you can ignore people like Hwi, as he or she is the weird one. You wouldn't have that particular "bump" without your partner's involvement, and as it is growing in your womb, and he would be touching your skin, you are the one who should choose if you want anyone else to touch your beautiful bump - and not Hwi! But you already know that.

However, I do believe that our male partners often don't want to read the baby stages books, or talk to the baby etc before the baby is born. I suppose when it comes down to it, our female brains have been developing new ideas - particularly quickly for about the last 150 to 200 years, since we women have realised that actually we are just as intelligent, just as capable in many things, and also more capable than men in many other things, and that we are right to expect to be treated as equally as important human beings as men are - but I think that the evolution of any animals bodies take a lot longer to adapt and change to new, more appropriate, more usable functions physically, than our brains do, and maybe that lack of notably different physical attributes does still mean that some people, particularly some men I suspect, do actually take longer for their brains to adapt to the changes.

I think that deep down, maybe even subconsciously, many men still want to be the hunter gatherers, and fewer women, but still some, want to be solely the homemakers and child readers. May I just add, that if both members of a heterosexual couple want to follow the more traditional roles, then that is of course fine.

Two last things OP; if at all possible please don't make any important or final decisions until you are at the very least 3 months after giving birth, preferably quite a bit more, as not only will your hormones still be all over the place postpartum, but lack of sleep, lifestyle changes - both permanent and temporary changes - will all have a massive affect on your's, and probably/hopefully your partner's, abilities to think straight, never mind sensibly. I am wishing you loads of good luck, and hoping that (hopefully along with both joint and individual counselling) you are your partner can reach a loving and supportive relationship 🩷 xx

I don't think dads are particularly bothered about bumps. That said, the relationship in general doesn't sound good...

I hope you can ignore people like Hwi, as he or she is the weird one.

I think most people are somewhere between, you're definitely waaaay more into bumps than most.

But I agree with @StepAwayFromGoogling - this issue is much bigger than the bump.

I really think sleeping in separate rooms is such a bad idea.

My brother shares a bed with his nearly 6 year old and his partner sleeps in a bed with their 4 year old.

Their relationship is utterly dead. It's so sad to see. I also don't think it's healthy for his kids, the older which has anxiety issues and has to be talked to sleep each night.

My husband and I not are 'cuddly' in bed but it is a space to just relax together or discuss the day or just be 'alone' together without any intrusions.

And just to add a bloke's POV here - I know my brother feels really unwanted and pushed out by the separate sleeping, like he is not needed or wanted.

Surely you will need your partner in the room with you and the new baby to help with nights?

Maybe it's time to get him back in the bedroom and get your 2.5 year old in their own bed asap.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I’ve read every response and it’s good to gain some different perspective.
There seem to be mixed views on the importance of DP interacting with my bump - perhaps I have a romanticised idea of partners bonding with the baby prior to birth? I’ve certainly heard of partners singing/reading to bump and it is encouraged by midwives too. But I’m willing to consider that perhaps it’s not as important as I had thought, although doesn’t make me feel particularly special and I feel sorry for the baby that he doesn’t seem to think about them.
Our 2.5 year old is in his own bed now after over 2 years of co-sleeping but DP and I have failed to start sleeping in the bed together again. So I sleep alone. I’ve asked repeatedly but he always has a reason why not - wants to stay up late, doesn’t want to wake me up etc. we have tried a couple of times and it was difficult to sleep, we just aren’t used to each others company any more.
I hope PP who said we are ‘in the trenches’ is right and that somehow we will get through this, it’s very difficult as we have no family to support us whatsoever.
I am already under mental health team as unsurprisingly got PND after last one was born and DP is waiting to start CBT too.

So sorry @Moomin88. You never know, this baby might be the making of you both again and bring you back together. Just got to hope and be open to it. Sounds like you're both in a rut and he is too stubborn/awkward to tackle it. But you need to keep trying for the baby's sake, and your own happiness as well.
I've got everything crossed for you.

Sorry to keep banging on about my brother but he found it hard to adjust to his second child at first and was slow to bond - but now he is obsessed with him.

I'm currently pregnant with my first (9 weeks) and it still doesn't feel real to me and I'm quite scared, where as my husband is the one who is over the moon. So we all take different amounts of time to process, but I hope you will get there in the end.

Good luck with the baby and enjoy your new arrival.

ive already commented further up and im on your team. Totally feel you on all the issues even separate sleeping which is what happened here - co sleeping stopped but we still don’t share a bed as sleep badly together (he is light sleeper and snorer and anxious and walks around a lot at night). However the whole no family around thing shouldn’t be something you use as an excuse for things not going well in your marriage. We don’t have any family support and it’s not a given/ essential/ reason your marriage is strained. That’s just offloading an issue that you and dh can fix onto a variable that’s outside your control. It’s basically offloading your own management of your life and blaming something third party

@Waterlilysunset how do you cope without the help of family though? We have nobody to baby sit the little one if we wanted to spend time as a couple.

We pay a girl who lives next door (and know her parents quite well), she’s done 8-10:30pm for us when we went out for my birthday dinner. She’s also done an hour one afternoon when we had to go out.
Weve put both the kids in kids club holiday (all inclusive Majorca) and had an hour or two. Otherwise we take life in turns (he does gym and I have kids, he has kids and I get a pedicure) I agree it’s not ideal.

Also we have family friends we do favours for eg we had their toddler (so 2 x toddlers and a preschooler) for a weekend and she said she would do the same in return for us. Like a childcare swap.

we also paid a staff worker from our dc1 nursery when we just had one kid to do an evening - we knew they knew each other and got on well.

We have a 4 yo, 1 yo and due another baby v soon. I know it will be tough but i tell myself anything rewarding is challenging. It’s only a season, life will be slightly less mad when 1 is at school. When 2 are at school and I only have the baby at home. My mum can’t help us as almost 3 hours drive away and a carer for my stepdad so she can’t leave him. In laws are a 5 hour drive away.

when we had 1 dc we did some day time dates where dc1 was at nursery and we both took an afternoon off work and went out for lunch together. That worked really well :)

We used staff from our LO’s nursery who did babysitting as a side job.