Lonely in marriage

[Feelingblue101]

DH and I have been married for 21 years, no kids.
He has always been moody and sulky, but lately he seems to be getting worse.
Every day he moans about work for about an hour after he gets in, he generally finds so much to moan about and is very negative.
His moods just change out of nowhere- I got home after him and we were having a laugh etc but then he just got in a grump because the neighbour's kid was banging around and after giving me one word answers has gone off to bed.
This sort of thing is happening increasingly frequently: disproportionate sulks and being really cold and off with me because something else has annoyed him or he's tired.
I'm starting to feel really lonely and quite disrespected, and like I'm living with a teenager who can't regulate their emotions rather than an adult partner.
He always apologises and says he's horrible and I'd be better off without him but its so draining. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.

When I started reading this I had to stop and read poster's name as it sounded so much like my life. DH wasn't as much of a depressive years ago but I've taken to calling him Victor (as in Meldrew). A fun sponge of epic proportions and because it has been a gradual change I'd not notice how it had affected me

That's how I feel. It's always been like this in periods but lately it's feeling intolerable

It sounds like he’s taking you for granted although probably not intentionally. How do you feel about the marriage OP? Do you think it’s possible for him to lift himself out of this and will he be willing to try? Maybe some counselling could help him? I would give him a chance and try and support him but if he can’t be bothered then it might be worth considering if you are willing to risk living out the rest of your life in this relationship as it is or moving on.

Would he be open to getting therapy?

It's all very well doing the "woe is me, I'm awful, you'd be better off without me" but it's not actually translating into him doing anything about it. Just expecting you to accept it and maybe feel a bit sorry for him too.

So it's meaningless as an apology because he carries on the same way. He needs to follow through with some action to change.

I think you should consider leaving him.

Taken for granted is exactly how I feel. I do the cooking and no matter how much notice I give him, he is never, ever ready when the food is. When it's ready he gets up and goes to the loo, gets a drink, faffs about for at least 5 minutes.
I've mentioned counselling to him before but he said he couldn't afford it. He could but it obviously isn't a priority.
I'm starting to wonder if he is actually capable of being happy and content and enjoying life

I've mentioned counselling to him before but he said he couldn't afford it. He could but it obviously isn't a priority.

Cheaper than divorce.

What’s keeping you there ?

When he's not gloomy, he is really good fun, kind, we have a nice home and life, share a lot of interests.
He grew up in a very abusive home and I'm sure that is the root of a lot of this.
I just feel like something dies each time he is like this.

If he doesn’t address it, it will get worse.

How old is he?

He's only 46! I'm the same age

I've woken up this morning to him still not speaking to me, just ignored me when I said good morning and is clomping about the house sighing.
Later he will act like nothing happened.
All this because the neighbour's kid was banging around distracting him from a tv programme

Sorry wrong chat

So you're looking at another 30 years of this shit unless something changes.

Abuse is not just physical in nature.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You wrote that he grew up in a very abusive home - that is the crux of the matter right there. He learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when he was growing up and he's doing the self same to you now. He knows what he is doing is wrong on some level but will never go to see a counsellor making some poor excuse for not going. Anyway he would need years and years of therapy and without you by his side.

You have a choice re this man; stay or go. I would now consider the latter. He in all likelihood can and does control himself around other people like his work colleagues; it is for you now this abusive treatment is aimed at. His current silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse. These types of men also hate women; ALL of them.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is also NOT a relationship issue, it is about power and control.

What you are also describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. They can also be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

I’d end the marriage, OP. Is this how you want to spend the next 30 years too?

It's not how I want to spend the rest of my life, no. I would be ok on my own, I have a good job etc and am very independent.

I did think to myself I bet he hasn't gone to work this morning and ignored everyone.

I have some serious thinking to do. I have so many wonderful memories of our life together but also so many memories of tantrums and sulks.

Ah you are clearly married to my H - my H is a funny intelligent good looking 60 year old who simply cannot regulate his moods, nor take criticism in any way at all - it’s very wearing- I would issue an ultimatum OP if I was in a position to actually take action- it won’t be a pleasant evening but I think it needs doing. Just say he’s making you miserable, it’s depressing to live with and throw it back on him and say ‘he’s clearly not happy ‘

I do need to tell him how this behaviour upsets and affects me because I really don't know how much longer I can live like this

Yes, have a serious talk about it and insist he does something concrete about it, that isn't just apologising and then going on to repeat the behaviour.

I'd want him to be seeking therapy or seeing the gp or something like that. Doing the actual work of change.

You can’t change a person unless they truly want to change. I speak from experience when I say that continually walking on eggshells in your own home will have a significant impact on your mental health. He needs to know how his behaviour is affecting you and he has to WANT to do something about it. All this ‘ooh, I’m such an awful person, you’d be better off without me’ stuff doesn’t only not count, but is actually a passive aggressive way to try and stop you picking up on his behaviour.
It is not your job to solve this, op, but if he won’t work on this, then you’re the one that can change the situation by calling time on your relationship

Now is when you don't take it any longer op, what are you waiting for , him to be in a nice mood tomorrow maybe or maybe not, just don't wait, so tonight weather he is in a good mood or not, tell him he needs to listen to you and tell him how you feel and what you want from this conversation and walk away don't plead with him put your voice out there and let him sulk on it, if he cares and wants to change he should come back to you, if he doesn't well then you know the next steps needs putting in place by you, his behaviour is not exceptable it's not fair on you, god turn the table would any man put up with this continuous behaviour from there other half, big fat no so please stop wondering if/when he might stop being a grumpy man

Yeah I need to sort it out. I wouldn't treat someone else like this. I didn't sleep much last night and I've felt low all day. Life's too short.

It is not your job to sort this out.

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem.

This is on him, he is causing you to feel like this and he will continue to do so as long as you re under the same roof. He knows how you feel and does not care.

OP, this abuse.
You are his emotional punching bag.
Your marriage is over.
He certainly doesn't love you.
You don't abuse those you love.
You don't need marriage counselling with him.
It is never recommended in an abusive relationship.

You need counselling to figure out why you are tolerating this and to help you move forward.
I think you need to get good legal advice so that the practicalities are clear in your head.

Perhsps look at packing a bag and going away to think and take some space.
He will only get worse.
You don't have children with him.
You have no reason to stay with such a rude disrespectful man.

The meal thing is him showing his contempt for you because he knows he can.

You should have ceased cooking.

Your low self esteem is holding you back.
It is not healthy to accept being treated so poorly.
You deserve so much better than him.

I tried to talk to him this evening. He denied that he wasn't talking to me and said he just feels a bit down but refused to discuss why.
I told him I would leave him to sulk then and we have been avoiding each other all evening.
I find this behaviour absolutely pathetic and I am sick to death of it. It's worse than a child.
I think I am going to have to wait for him to snap out of it and raise it again then.
In the past when I have kept pushing he's brought up things from the past to have a go at me about and blame it on and I just don't have the energy for that. I'll just leave him to stew.
I just feel so so lonely and unwelcome in my own home.