Lonely in marriage

[Feelingblue101]

DH and I have been married for 21 years, no kids.
He has always been moody and sulky, but lately he seems to be getting worse.
Every day he moans about work for about an hour after he gets in, he generally finds so much to moan about and is very negative.
His moods just change out of nowhere- I got home after him and we were having a laugh etc but then he just got in a grump because the neighbour's kid was banging around and after giving me one word answers has gone off to bed.
This sort of thing is happening increasingly frequently: disproportionate sulks and being really cold and off with me because something else has annoyed him or he's tired.
I'm starting to feel really lonely and quite disrespected, and like I'm living with a teenager who can't regulate their emotions rather than an adult partner.
He always apologises and says he's horrible and I'd be better off without him but its so draining. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.

God op so he feels down but won't say way!! Because there's no reason why op, can you go and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights treat yourself to a spa some time for you, and when he decides to ask we're you are, you can say you don't want to discuss it,

I'm tempted but we have a lot of pets that I do all the care for, and I don't want to leave them. They're my little buddies.
I didn't grow up in a toxic swamp of manipulation, I don't know how to play this game.
I just keep remembering things from over the years and thinking wtf have I been putting up with

That is exactly what you need to focus on.

"WTF have have I been putting up with?"

Give him an ultimatum to sort himself out and stick to it. Also stop cooking for him. That phutzing around doing other things for 10 minutes after you've said dinner's ready is so bloody rude and disrespectful. I think you would feel lighter and happier without having to share a home with him. You can even say to him that you don't think you are suited to each other as husband and wife anymore and it's better that the relationship becomes one of friends who can still do stuff together as and when but the way he is now, marital cohabiting isn't working for you.

Yeah I think this is right. He still isn't speaking to me. I highly doubt he is going in to work and just ignoring everyone there.
We have a big holiday in a month but after that I think we will be going our separate ways. I don't think we're suited to living together.
He grew up in a very "traditional" family with domineering father and enabling mother and I am not interested in repeating that dynamic.
I've thought for a long time he is just with me for convenience because I earn more and he isn't very domestic. My life would change very little alone.

I really feel for you and understand exactly what you mean.
I was lonely in my own marriage, in my case counselling didn't work - at least it didn't bring us together, it made me realise that nothing was going to change, so maybe that was a result.

I went for a divorce, I didn't want to and - in general - didn't even agree with divorce being to solution to marital problems.
However, it was the best thing ever. I was in my 40s then and have been divorced for 20-odd years. I have done so much since, travelled to world, had different jobs and met people and made friends I never would have done being married. What's more I have a lovely home in which I feel safe and happy, rather than feeling unwelcome.

I am still on my own, but never, ever lonely. I have dozens of things to do, I know loads of people and make friends easily. I don't have to walk on eggshells, I don't have to ask anyone's permission to do anything and most of all, I have a freedom to be myself I never had in my marriage. I couldn't have contemplated a future being older and still being around some miserable old grump, and the utter loneliness I would have faced.

Think what you want for your future. Your dream is that he'll change, but trust me, he won't. So what do YOU want to do about it?

OP, life without his negativity will be so much calmer.
You are in stuck mode.
Take control now by starting to organise yourself.
Stop cooking.
Tell him you are now eating at lunchtime so he can sort himself out.
Get therapy to figure out why you have tolerated this.
Get legal advice.
Will the house have to be sold?
Look around for new accommodation, even for 6 months.

Expect him to back down because he finds you useful.
He may well make huge promises to change, threaten to self harm etc.

All the stuff unkind abusive men do, to keep their victims stuck.

You have wasted enough of your life with this loser.

Get organised and tell family and friends.

Actually, your life would change but in positive ways. You would still be doing the same amount of domestic chores but you wouldn't have the sinking feeling that you must get every time he is giving you the silent treatment. You will feel calmer and more relaxed and much less resentful.

I've actually been to therapy. I think I accept this because my mother was and is very similar.
The house would probably need to be sold but potentially I could buy him out. I have been looking on rightmove.
I think he's just done it one too many times now and over time it has taken its toll

Hello @Feelingblue101 how are you getting on now?