I ‘35 F’ need advice on navigating a relationship with my colleague ‘35 M’ who is involved with another woman and needs time to think about our relationship.

[Melisa1988]

I’m a 35-year-old woman seeking advice regarding a complex situation with a 35-year-old male colleague. Over the past five-six weeks, our interactions have evolved from professional to personal, and I’m uncertain about his intentions and our current status. Our Initial interaction started When he was preparing to leave the company, he began showing significant interest in me, showering me with attention. He eventually stayed on as a colleague as his job offer got cancelled however and our relationship continued to develop mostly through texting. We became intimate once during the period we were both thinking he would soon leave the company. Three weeks into our relationship I asked him about our relationship’s direction. He stated he would think about it and need some time as he was thinking he was leaving the company and things been messy at work for him etc. Again around two weeks later I told him I feel like I'm in a limbo and it makes me uncomfortable which he replied to mentioning that it's too early and he needed time to think and didn’t have immediate answers. He said he genuinely likes me and thinks about me however if I wasn’t happy, we should consider stepping away. I said I would be happy to wait if he needs more time. Two days after I asked about his relationship with another woman I met at our company’s Christmas party. He described their relationship as “on and off.” I expressed (honestly this was my immediate thought after he confirmed he still meets that lady) that "I should be more realistic and stop hoping for better days then". He then accused me of being dramatic and having preconceived agendas, which felt dismissive. I mentioned that his response felt like gaslighting. He hasn’t replied to my message for the last two days. I’m deeply saddened and feel that I’ve been too pushy, considering it’s only been five-six weeks since we started talking. I fear I’ve terrified him and that he now perceives me as a drama queen. -How can I approach this situation to gain clarity without pushing him away? Note that he hasn't replied my last message for the last two days. -Is it reasonable to expect exclusivity or clarity after such a short period, or am I rushing things?
Note: He's divorced with a son who lives with him three days per week.

:/ He's just not that into you.

There's a man out there who wants to be with you, likes you, will move the relationship forward and let you know his desire. It's not this chap. Stop chasing him, waiting for him, thinking about his dalliances with others, which he has confirmed to your face.

Let it fade. Go out for a few drinks with your mates and slag him off a bit and let it all pass.

Please don’t engage any further. A relationship in the beginning stages shouldn’t be this hard.

I think he’s making it clear (though he really should just say it straight out) that he’s not interested in anything beyond what you have, and likely not even that now. It was very early days but I think yous just see things differently.

Jeez please raise the bar.

He’s seeing someone else. He’s making you feel dramatic for being disappointed by that. He’s being totally vague about what he wants.

Those early weeks are meant to be the most exciting when you meet someone new, and you’re already having issues.

Bin off and move on.

You're sleeping with him and he needs more time to determine whether he's in a relationship with you or with the on/off woman? Toss this user back into the sea.

he's a player , don’t play his game

Omg, love… you were a booty call. Sorry to spell it out, but he isn’t interested in a relationship with you. He got what he wanted and goes home to the Mrs.

He's in a relationship with her and wanted you as a second option when he thought he was leaving the office. Now he's not leaving the office it's more complicated for him so he's backing off.

Find someone for whom you're number one!

Yeah, he just sounds like an arse who wants to keep all of his options open.

He doesn't deserve you - dump him and move on with your life n

He's playing the field and keeping his options open, which would be fine if he was honest about it.

He's not, so keep your dignity intact and forget him.

Stop sitting around passively waiting for him to decide. If he was interested he’d say so, and is probably enjoying having you dangling around.

its not about whether you are being pushy, but you are 100% wasting your time. He is not a winning proposition. Don’t waste any more of it.

Just tell him to fuck off. He is going to anyway.

It's pretty clear he doesn't want a proper relationship with you, just to keep you hanging on for occasional casual sex. You are not being pushy, he is gaslighting you into thinking this. Walk away and find someone better.

He doesn't need time to think about it. It's not complex. He just wants the best of both worlds. Forget him and move on. The voice of experience - been there done that

Don't wait for him to decide - you can decide. He's playing you. If you're ok with casual sex with a colleague, play on, but I get the feeling that's not what you are looking for. So give him the heave-ho and look for a more reliable man.

Raise your standards. Stop contacting him. Go back to just being professional colleagues. He’s enjoying you chasing him while he keeps you as a backup option. Don’t let yourself be that person. Even if he tries to play the game if you cool off, don’t re-engage and get involved again under any circumstances. He’s bad news 100% relationship-wise.

First response nails it.

If they fuck you and then say they need more time to decide, they are not into you. Frankly, it's also insulting. But he said it twice! Ouch.

Tbh even getting to the point of having to ask a guy 'what we are' is usually a red flag. Decent men don't leave you in limbo or make you feel insecure.

You didn't scare him off and you were not pushy. He just wants you to think those things because then he's not the bad guy who leads women on.
At 35 you should know this. The fact that you don't makes me think you have self esteem issues and aren't in a position to date men as you will be vulnerable to winding up with abusers.

I also suspect he may never actually have been leaving the company btw, just used it to try make you feel more secure in sleeping with him.

You’ve done nothing other than try to clarify what is actually going on. He’s being deliberately evasive because he’s keeping his options open. He’ll see you and shag you when it suits but don’t expect anything more.
personally I would stop chasing and walk away with my dignity in tact. He’s a player and he doesn’t respect you.

He thought he would have a good shag on the side, leave the company and never have to see you again. Now he is staying he is panicking as all he wanted was a farewell shag. Sorry!

I agree with everyone else.
Don’t contact him again. Get rid of him. He sounds like an arse.

He’s just not that into you.

Block him, bin him off and move on.

You deserve someone who really wants you, not someone who faffs about and can’t decide what they want.

Nothing doing here, OP. Just move on, he’s not interested.

If you're wondering how to save face, I'd suggest texting 'Good talk. Ok well I CBA with the fannying about anymore, so let's just pretend this was just a fever dream and go back to being colleagues'.

And stick to that. Anything he replies that's petty or not, don't be goaded just send a thumbs up. No more conversations.

I'm petty so I'd also be extra warm and bubbly at work with everyone else and plain and curt with him going forwards.

Nah. Get rid.

Tell him you’ve met someone in a bookshop, went for coffee and things have moved to another level so you’re no longer on the available market. You snooze, you lose. He’s got you on the back burner. Remove yourself as an option.