Friend and money. It's getting embarrrassing..

[gina20114]

I meet up with my friend "Jane" usually every 3 or 4 weeks for coffee and a catch up. I really enjoy her company and love her dearly but she does some really, seriously, embarrassing stuff in cafes! Wondering how to approach..
It usually involves Jane having no money, but only announcing this after queuing up to pay... We pay separately unless is a special occasion and it has been pre-agreed that the other will pay. Like I'll pay when it's her birthday and vice versa.
Today Jane and I had queued in a busy Costa and when he order was keyed through the till, she said loud enough for everyone behind us and around us to hear "ooh no, I think I'd only got 20pence left in that account" (referring to the debit card that had been rejected). Holding up the queue on a busy Saturday afternoon, Jane proceeded to do some "online banking", moving moving around between accounts in order for her debit card to be accepted. It was painful! Took about 10 mins and she was literally talking the assistant through it as she was doing it!
Jane regularly does stuff like this. We never got for expensive meals or anything fancy, it's usually just tea and cake in Costa.
In another cafe we went to last time we met, Jane was grabbing handfuls of the free sachets of everything from sugar to ketchup to pepper. The manager (I go there more than she does and know the manager quite well) was looking rather concerned about her. She was acting like a starving and/or homeless/penniless person. This isn't the case.. Jane lives in a leafy surburb and has a good good. No mortgage and husband also has a good job.
There's literally no need for her to act like this and it's starting to make me dread going out with her. How do I approach?

Before you go in to a place ask her to check she's got money.

Stop going out with her

Ask her to check her account while you are still sitting down, and transfer money if necessary. And/or bring a £20 note with you, hand it to her and ask her to transfer the money at her leisure. If this is all innocent she'll be grateful, and it probably is innocent because you don't end up paying for her.

Just ask her what’s going on. It’s as simple as that.

Make a joke of it and message the day before something funny about checking she has cash!

I could not be doing with any of that. I find it hard to believe that they allowed her to hold up the queue for 10 minutes though.

Find out date she gets paid and go then

I suffer from terminal embarrassment so I'd most likely never go out with her again.

I think I'd take an opportunity to gently ask if everything is OK. Just because someone lives in a good area and had a job doesn't mean they've had not financial difficulties or unforeseen circumstances. If she says she's fine it's an opportunity to say you've noticed she didn't have enough money in her account and been hoarding condiments (!) etc. Might make her think?

Costa Coffee is expensive, in my local one a medium coffee and a cake would come to £10.00. You can get a tea and an apple pie in McDonald’s for £3.00. I live in a nice house in an expensive and highly sought after housing estate but I don’t have very much personal spending money once everything has been paid for. It could be that it’s the same for your friend but she’s too embarrassed to say.

Is she hoping you cave and jump in to pay for her?? Has she always done this sort of thing?

I’d be asking if everything was ok (in a subtle way) if she was my friend. Many women of all income brackets seem to be financially controlled/abused by the men in their lives (see the thread currently on here about the well-off/comfortable women who gets told off for buying supermarket toiletries without asking for permission)
My DPs were extremely tight in lots of ways despite being well-off. They both had family issues with money/control and my DM was severely financially controlled by my DF, despite living in a beautiful house etc.

I was behind a young woman who was doing this and it was awkward for everyone around.

She must have money if it’s in other accounts so do you think she is just being a bit tight or a cheapskate? I’d probably suggest doing things that don’t involve money to be honest.

It is bad manners, that's for sure - unbelievable really, that someone would do this.

Just let her know she needs to up her game a bit and bring standards up to the minimum basics. Like having money to pay for things you just ordered. She sounds like an utter clown hat.

She was expecting you to pay.

I would just go and sit down or walk away every time she does this. You can’t stop her embarrassing herself but you can remove yourself from the situation so you aren’t embarrassed.

Sounds like an attention/anxiety/control thing if she's not short of money.

I had a student supermarket job and there were regular "customers" who would come in, pick the cheapest product going, join a long queue, and then stand there pretending they'd lost their wallet or were a bit short of their bill

(so someone in the queue would offer 5p, not knowing they did this almost EVERY DAY).

This wasn't nice OAPs wanting a chat, they were enjoying being all blase and centre of attention and holding everyone up.

The male senior managers had a word, but they couldn't ban them so they just kept on doing it.

I agree you could ask about her finances, or if she'd prefer to use cheaper social options if she's budgeting, or bring a Thermos to a park?

If she doesn't offer any information or engage or acknowledge, I'd reduce the occasions I went out with her. It sounds excruciating, not your problem to solve.

This

How many times has she done this? How much does she owe you? Is it a recent thing?

Oh I had a friend like this.

She moved onto ‘Shall We just Stay at home for a Nescafé ’.

I mean nothing wrong with that really but if I wanted to literally just drink a coffee I could have stayed home and not seen her at all. She was tight AF.

No longer a friend (for other reasons).

She definitely is trying it on so you’ll pay - check her before you enter the Costa. Have you got it on you before we go in? Turn the embarrassment tables and she might stop.

This! Have you asked your friend if there is anything going on. How well do you know her? Do you know her husband?
Can you ask questions about her well being?

.

I used to work on a checkout and that (amongst other irritating things people would do) would really boil my piss. It would hold up the queue and the cashier would get it in the neck.

Oh and @computerbreakers , there was a few customers like that who would make a big show of being short of money and 'wanting to take things off' hoping for some good Samaritan to pay up. Again, it was unfair expecting us cashiers to police this.