Friend and money. It's getting embarrrassing..

[gina20114]

I meet up with my friend "Jane" usually every 3 or 4 weeks for coffee and a catch up. I really enjoy her company and love her dearly but she does some really, seriously, embarrassing stuff in cafes! Wondering how to approach..
It usually involves Jane having no money, but only announcing this after queuing up to pay... We pay separately unless is a special occasion and it has been pre-agreed that the other will pay. Like I'll pay when it's her birthday and vice versa.
Today Jane and I had queued in a busy Costa and when he order was keyed through the till, she said loud enough for everyone behind us and around us to hear "ooh no, I think I'd only got 20pence left in that account" (referring to the debit card that had been rejected). Holding up the queue on a busy Saturday afternoon, Jane proceeded to do some "online banking", moving moving around between accounts in order for her debit card to be accepted. It was painful! Took about 10 mins and she was literally talking the assistant through it as she was doing it!
Jane regularly does stuff like this. We never got for expensive meals or anything fancy, it's usually just tea and cake in Costa.
In another cafe we went to last time we met, Jane was grabbing handfuls of the free sachets of everything from sugar to ketchup to pepper. The manager (I go there more than she does and know the manager quite well) was looking rather concerned about her. She was acting like a starving and/or homeless/penniless person. This isn't the case.. Jane lives in a leafy surburb and has a good good. No mortgage and husband also has a good job.
There's literally no need for her to act like this and it's starting to make me dread going out with her. How do I approach?

Is it time to review your friendship with this woman?

Are you certain she's not got MH issues?

God no, don't give her money

It sounds to me like she may have mental health issues.

She doesn't try to get OP to pay for things so it might be OK to at least try that. Then they could sit on a bench and Friend could transfer the money back rather than faffing around at the till.

I have a friend who occasionally does something similar to this. It's not always about money but it is an embarrassing habit that makes me cringe (think along the lines of holding up a queue for ages by tipping all the stuff from her handbag out whilst 'looking for something'. I think it's a way of getting some attention and making people focus on her. I can't see any other reason for it. She admits after that she was 'just being over the top' or similar. I hate it and it makes me think differently about her justice known her for years and she will not open up regarding why she does it.

When I see this happening their banking never seems to loads either. I think why are you not fucking prepared and it always for the smallest amounts.

One person was flapping over part cash and part card payment over a 60p bag for life.

If you so love her dearly accept that she is eccentric. Go 1st in the queue take up watch position and enjoy. It’s her, she sounds kinda cool and like she couldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of her. Genius.

I have a ‘spending’ account, and transfer smaller amounts of money to it. This has happened to me before, although obviously I try to avoid it!

Sounds like she is just disorganised. Maybe just check when you start queuing if she has money on her card, to remind her?

The stocking up on sachets is a bit embarrassing tho, it’s more like the behaviour of a student. Maybe just take her somewhere where they don’t know you 🙈

I would be mortified and not go out with her again.

It was probably just a minute or so but felt like 10 minutes

Most coffee houses want you to pay as you order, so presumably this is at the start of the outing? Is there somewhere you can find where you can order by app, or get there a few minutes ahead of time so you're already seated with your drink?

I agree with a PP, you don't need to let her drama become yours.

Even just a “I’ll get us a table” would keep the OP out of it!

I'd have to kindly ask Jane what's going on.

Did you say she has a good job? It wasn't clear.

I've known a couple of people like this. One worked, so did the husband, but they were living well beyond their means and really struggling. She just kept going out and putting on a brave face because she didn't want anyone to know how bad it was.
The other was a sahm and the husband really restricted how much money she was given for "spending money".

She's your friend, check on her.

I've had my card decline a couple of times at tills due to lack of funds - pure disorganisation on my part, grabbing my joint account card when all the money is in my sole account or vice versa.

It's a total non-event really. 'Ahhh so sorry'...pull phone out...literally 30 seconds on an app moving the money. Apologise again. Pay and leave.

It sounds like she's making a meal of it for attention which is just odd.

Exactly. Life is too short for this type of shit.

Arrived before her,.order and sit down

She can order her own when she arrives - no obligation on you to cover it then and she's only embarrassing herself

Or stop going out with her - I couldn't do this pallaver

Lots of people are feeling the pinch now though.You have no idea of her circumstances .I would quietly say " Jane such a COL crisis now,never known anything like it" see what she says .There are lots of alternatives to Costa ,the little town nearby has various coffee shops of differing prices .Also the Church does tea 80p and coffee £1.00 biscuits 30p! Another Church doing "lunch for lent"free just give a donation if you can.Maybe try something like that?

Agree with this just stop going out with her.
Or be blunt and tell her shes a show up.

I'd honestly give her a miss, she sounds either ridiculous or very self centered. Who holds up the entire queue trying to pay for a coffee unless you're a kid or it's totally a one-off mistake. She sounds like she likes the attention it brings.

If you still really want to see her I'd ask her as you go in "before we go to pay do you have money in your account this time?" and I'd say "please don't steal the sugars it's yourself you are showing up".

She’s hoping the pause will embarrass you and you’ll feel obliged to say, “Oh, let me get this”. Don’t fall for it.