55 and STILL don’t know whether to stay or leave

[MiddleAgedMary]

DH and I been together for 30+ years with two adult kids, one with ongoing additional needs.
I get on with him really well in many ways, we enjoy spending time together, have a shared sense of humour and he can be supportive and emotionally intuitive and expressive.
However we have some long-standing dysfunctions, not easy to summarise but in a nutshell for me is that if he’s unhappy with me then he withdraws for days or weeks at a time. I know this sounds at odds with what I’ve said about him just before and it does feel like a massive contradiction. He’s a formidable person in many ways but he is also pretty vulnerable and a lot of this comes from hurt.

He provides a listening ear to his female friends and is really perceptive, but refuses to go to couples therapy, saying we can work it out ourselves. But we don’t seem able to. I’ve been seeing a therapist myself and she wonders whether he is on the asd spectrum and my friends have said similar. He certainly doesn’t meet the classic or stereotypical descriptions. My DD is both autistic and ADHD.

I suffer hugely with anxiety and lost identity, although just emerging from the latter now. I’d miss him hugely if I left but I dream of being free to be my own person.

Most abusers aren't 'evil'. Many are just trying to manage their emotions in really unhealthy ways by demanding their partner behaves in ways that do not trigger their uncomfortable feelings rather than learning to deal with th themselves

This is really interesting Greycarpet

It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with - as you say, the outcome is the same - but helpful to have some explanation as to why it happens.

Edited to say that long term relationships are complex, and it’s difficult to see clearly when you have been together for decades, but if you feel miserable and unhappy more often than not then it’s time to leave I think, for both of your sakes.

He emotionally abuses and attempts to control you, and has done for many years. Life is too short to stay and submit to endless abuse. Either he continues counseling and makes some changes or I would be out. Policing how much toilet paper you use is beyond offensive. Just ridiculous and uncalled for to treat someone he is supposed to love and respect that way.

Yeah, there was a thread the other day where a son was picking up his father's behaviours towards his mother, and you just can see it being transmitted to the next generation (I mean, it's not always that, but can be for all sorts of reasons).

But the impact of the abusive behaviours on the recipient are the same, you're no less punched in the face (or self-esteem damaged or whatever) because he has underlying issues or is a victim himself.

It's still his stuff, not yours to endure, and if he doesn't have the self-awareness to put a stop to the abusive behaviours, then you're not really helping him or yourself by staying. Certainly not helping break the cycle for children where this is normalised.

@MiddleAgedMary

OP - you are at an age when most women go through menopause, and many feel like they need to dramatically change their lives and be themselves and free. It’s a very common theme.
I guess - after raising kids, and putting ourselves last, we go through our own version of midlife crisis.

Have seen a few friends blowing up their OK, not great marriages. With various results, I might say.

I am not pro staying in an unhappy marriage. But I think of it pragmatically. Especially in our age group, and knowing that a lot of our drive for change is driven hormonally.

Non relationship or partner is perfect. And meeting a better partner at 55+ is extremely difficult. My divorced friends (aged from 45+) all but given up - as men that are ‘available’ are mostly damaged in some ways: or just want to enjoy life and are not looking to be in the sort of supportive and committed relationship women are looking for.

So, personally - in your place - I’d weigh (and continue weighing) the good and the bad in the relationship. As it does seem like you have a lot that is good and working.
I’d also continue to assert my needs and boundaries - and do the things I like, as you seem to have started doing already.
And yes - it does seem like your H is neurodiverse - so I’d try to accept that some of his behaviours are that, rather than being meant to hurt you. (I’d completely ignore the ‘2 pieces of toilet paper’ sort of comments, as its clearly one of those)

To me - its completely normal to NOT expect all of our needs to be met within the marriage - so spending time with friends, and having own hobbies and support networks in friends is NOT an indication of a bad marriage, but a healthy one.
Marriage dynamics inevitably change once kids leave and people age. Takes time to find that new dynamics.

You could wait and see if that transition happens, and if the two of you can adjust to it.
And if not - you can leave.

But if you don't want to bother - you can leave now. But you need to be leaving for YOU, and not because you think you will meet a better partner. That, in all likelihood will not happen, or at least, you can not count on it.
Everybody I know who left thinking the grass is greener have only been frustrated and disappointed.
Leave if you are truly OK with potentially being on your own in your old age.

If I left I wouldn’t want another partner. One of the things putting me off is the loneliness, yet I feel alone in this marriage.

I wish I had a fiver for every woman analysing her partner and excusing his behaviour.

if he’s unhappy with me then he withdraws for days or weeks at a time.. but he is also pretty vulnerable and a lot of this comes from hurt.

Withdrawing and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. You've been with him 30 years and he hasn't learnt to communicate like an adult.

If his background has something to do with his behaviour, then he's had plenty of time to get therapy and work on change.He hasn't though because it works for him.

I'm going to bet that he gets his way a lot because you don't want him to withdraw. It's a way of maintaining power and control and he knows how it effects you so is also a punishment.

I'm also going to bet that he's controlling in other ways and his behaviour has gradually eroded your self esteem.

Living alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely.

And there other ways of having companionship than in living in couples.

I think if you're lonely in a relationship you don't have much to lose by actually becoming single and possibly a lot to gain.

What really is so great about sharing a house with some bloke who isn't particularly nice to you and doesn't bring value to your life? How exactly is it better than having your own space and doing exactly what you want?

Agree and am aware of much of what you say.

I’ve been on the verge of leaving, intermittently, since the DC’s were small and yes although menopause and this stage of life is a big transitional phase, it’s not driven by this.

I have absolutely no interest in finding another partner. My own space, literally and figuratively are what I desire; to spend time with friends as i choose and maintain good relationships with, and support to, my DC’s.

Not expecting any one person to meet my needs, this could never be possible or healthy although that’s what he wants from me it seems.

My DM left my DF in her late 40’s. She thrived but life is difficult for both of them now they are in their 80’s and on their own in declining health. It’s difficult to see this happening but wouldn’t be enough to prevent me leaving.

If you dream of being free, then do just that. Life’s too short to ‘dream’ if it’s something you can do. If you woke up tomorrow and you were 95 years old, would you look back and think ‘I wish’.

My DM left my DF in her late 40’s. She thrived but life is difficult for both of them now they are in their 80’s and on their own in declining health.

Hmm, but usually the care ends up falling more on the woman - so maybe his life would have been easier if they'd stayed together - but hers?

In that case - you have your answer?!
What is stopping you?

You did mention some complications that are potentially preventing your separation - are those practical and can they be solved with planning and preparation?

You also mention anxiety and the fact that you’d miss your H hugely if you left. So I am guessing the balance of ‘leave’ vs ‘stay’ is not as obvious still.

Can you not, for now start figuring out how to leave on a practical level, while still continuing to assert the life you want to lead?
And eventually - I think the right answer will become apparent.
Either separation will become a real option, or he will adjust and accept the sort of life you build for yourself.

Once the love has gone, it’s over….do you laugh together, hug, cuddle up watching tv, hold hands when walking, care for each other and want the best for each other?
If not, I really don’t know why you are bothering to stay with someone who makes an undercurrent of unhappiness in your life.
I had two marriages and one ten year relationship, up to the age of 47 when I realised I would actually be happier living on my own.
I’ve enjoyed this part of my life so much, just doing whatever I want, when I want, having time to spend with my lovely family, helping out with Gc whenever I’m needed, adopting my gorgeous little dog.
This is all I want, along with a few good friends and having a whining, sulking arse living in my house is my idea of hell, I wouldn’t have another man if you paid me.

"Once the love has gone, it’s over…" hmm I think this is how we all think when we are young and we expect the life to be some sort of a romantic movie.

But in real life - with long marriages, and with getting older - I think things do change. Or, maybe, the definition of "love" changes from more of a "romantic love" into partnership. But this is probably what you mean by liking spending time together, and having a good time.

I think OP's problem here is that she does still have a lot of good in her relationship. I think if it were all bad - she'd have left already. And she does seem to have some things that complicate separating - and I can see how after 30+ years of joint life that may be the case.

So, a few days after this post I left DH. I don’t know whether it’ll be permanent or whether we can see a way forward, but I’ve made the break.
Your responses have all been so valuable 😊

@MiddleAgedMary I am in the same situation. Left my miserable ex back in October. I haven't regretted it for one moment. Very best of wishes for you ❤️

I hate this behaviour. Having experienced it but not understood at the time i think there is little worse. If he won’t try to change i the l you should leave

You did it. Well done!!

Well done. His voice will still be in head and then you will realise he has been using coercive control. You said before you didn't think he was trying to control you but it's because this type of control is so covert that it slips under the radar. That's also most likely why you described yourself as feeling lost. He's taken your confidence away. I hope you're able to stay away and control to grow until you are strong and get back "you".

OP, add “sunk cost fallacy” to your google list.

If you carry on doing what you’re doing, you will carry on getting what you’re getting.

I ended my marriage to a v similar man and aimed for peace, quiet, contentment, and as much toilet roll as I liked.

To my great astonishment I met someone wonderful, we fell totally in love and 4 years later, the kids (including SEN) are fine, the ex is still a dick, and the world is a beautiful place. We are both 58. And best sex EVER.