55 and STILL don’t know whether to stay or leave

[MiddleAgedMary]

DH and I been together for 30+ years with two adult kids, one with ongoing additional needs.
I get on with him really well in many ways, we enjoy spending time together, have a shared sense of humour and he can be supportive and emotionally intuitive and expressive.
However we have some long-standing dysfunctions, not easy to summarise but in a nutshell for me is that if he’s unhappy with me then he withdraws for days or weeks at a time. I know this sounds at odds with what I’ve said about him just before and it does feel like a massive contradiction. He’s a formidable person in many ways but he is also pretty vulnerable and a lot of this comes from hurt.

He provides a listening ear to his female friends and is really perceptive, but refuses to go to couples therapy, saying we can work it out ourselves. But we don’t seem able to. I’ve been seeing a therapist myself and she wonders whether he is on the asd spectrum and my friends have said similar. He certainly doesn’t meet the classic or stereotypical descriptions. My DD is both autistic and ADHD.

I suffer hugely with anxiety and lost identity, although just emerging from the latter now. I’d miss him hugely if I left but I dream of being free to be my own person.

Thank you, you’ve hit the nail on the head in many respects. I do believe he’s both angry and hurt and protecting himself when he withdraws. If things are really bad he takes himself to bed and sleeps for many hours (used to leave me all day to look after the kids!) He feels things at a very deep level.

However he is able to be emotionally expressive. He’s probably better than me in this respect. But it’s really intense and overwhelming for me. And yes that’s maybe a reflection of how I am but it’s also how many other people experience him.

It’s complicated!! On reflection I think he doesn’t go deep enough. He’s able to talk about how my behaviour affects him but doesn’t reflect on how early trauma might have impacted him (or see the need for exploring this, he’s very much in the here and now).

Thank you x

I haven’t read all the replies, but you should look up Cassandra syndrome both maybe on here and Facebook and google. There’s also groups on Facebook for spouses of autistic people etc. You’ll find lots of people going through exactly what you describe. It’ll help you to decide what you should do. Many autistic men who have gone undiagnosed have been through trauma and this has an effect on the marriage, wives and kids. Your anxiety may perhaps be from trauma you have suffered in the marriage. Whether he is autistic or not, it doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered. You’ve probably faced trauma and perhaps abuse. Joining these groups will help you to decide what to do and for you to feel less alone.

Ooh thank you, I’ll take a look!

Go on holiday OP on your own for several weeks, as a kind of trial to see how you feel apart from him over a period of time. This should give you perspective on what to do about your marriage. Go somewhere lovely and relaxing/stimulating - whatever would suit you best, and enjoy.

At first glance this encapsulates my experience with my daughter who wasn’t diagnosed with ASD/ADHD until she was an adult. Didn’t realise it was a recognised thing with a name. Makes me want to cry thinking about how much we went through.

Thank you, yes I do this regularly now (well not a holiday but visiting family) and it’s great 😊

Although I had suspected my husband of being autistic for years, I also only became certain when my teenage daughter went into burnout and I joined some Facebook groups for autistic girls on Facebook and came across someone mentioning ‘Cassandra syndrome’. It’s helped me so much to feel there’s others out there like me. I wish I had known about it years ago! I hope it helps you as much as it’s helped me.

Thank you 🙏

I’m in a very similar situation with Avery similar husband- I admire him a lot, do care about him but he’s not easy to live with and I do feel choices are made 100% on his terms as otherwise he acts a bit of an arse, walk ahead of me, storms off , generally very moody - if everything is going 100% ok and on his terms he’s a different person. It’s very wearing OP, I’m 63 now and I’ve been having your conversation going on for 8 years in my head-

Have you heard of the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. You are not responsible to manage feelings the feelings of others

www.amazon.co.uk/Let-Them-Theory-Life-Changing-Millions/dp/1788176189?dplnkId=8a90bf57-ee7c-4260-808a-cf4b7e1f7efe&nodl=1

His behaviour is emotionally abusive. being OK some of the time is part of the dynamic. Couple’s counselling unlikely to change that and he doesn’t want to change, eg through individual therapy.

How is he as a parent, including DD? Does she live with you?

If you’re in reasonably good health now, you have opportunity to try living alone that would be much harder if your health changes. If you stay and you and/or he experience health issues it could become much worse. (Have witnessed someone I know who stayed becoming stuck forever like this).

You have also been mistreated for a very long time so likely ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’ and might do so only after a good while apart and individual counselling with someone who doesn’t have an agenda to encourage people to stay married to men who mistreat them.

Three of the things you mention are reasons to leave - your lack of freedom to support your daughter appropriately (which will be damaging her), the intense need and micro level of control e.g. the toilet sheets and the long withdrawals.

I think you should only try to control what you can. So give up on thinking about whether he should be assessed and couples therapy (the ball is in his court for these).

Work with what you can control which, for example, is what your own next move is. In your situation- I’d leave.

Does he actually dictate how many pieces of toilet paper you can use? What happens if/when you use more than 2 sheets per toilet visit? What happens if you buy clothes that he thinks you don't need? This all sounds ridiculously controlling and together with the silent treatment would definitely make me want to leave.

The reasons for his problems and abusive behaviour don’t excuse the behaviour. Detrimental to you and will also have had negative impacts on your DC.

I agree that he sounds controlling.

I think it might be worth setting this as a hard boundary with your DH. It sounds like you discussed and explained it multiple times. Sit him down and explain again. Tell him next time he does it, you will be taking a trial separation. Have a think about how this might work, could you find some alternative accomodation for 6 months? I’m not sure what the situation is with your daughter or work, but could you go away for an extended period? Obviously you have to mean it, and follow through or it won’t change anything. But if you are at the point of questioning whether the relationship is worth continuing, what do you have to lose?

I ended my first marriage whilst my ex husband was in the middle of his lengthy sulks. He’d withdraw, use silent treatment.
It seems your husband does this, and is doing it knowing how he impacts you.
I bailed out at age 35. That was almost 20 years ago.
Yes the grass is so much fucking greener. It’s like the emerald city compared to living walking on eggshells.
Don’t leave it any longer. His behaviour is such a nasty tactic.
Go and enjoy freedom from that.

I had an ex who used to use the silent treatment. One time he wouldn't speak to me for 2 days as I'd left crumbs on the kitchen counter top! He said that he did it to punish me, to make me feel as bad as he did. It's a horrible thing to be subjected to. And is a form of abuse and control.

I can't get over you only being able to use 2 sheets of toilet paper! How does he police that? That's no way to live, OP...

On my 40th birthday after 10 years in a relationship that had got progressively worse, it hit me that I only had one life. I could spend it like this or I could do the difficult thing - get away - and then once I’d done it, build a life I’d be happy with.

Do it.

He doesn't control how much loo roll she uses. She was making a light hearted quip to show that she does have control over the very smallest things in her life - like how many pieces of loo roll she uses.

But, OP, that you are joking about this shows just how much control there is elsewhere because no one else would have to think about this.

It doesn't matter whether abuse (and what you are describing is abuse) comes from a place of malice and intent or whether it's a result of him trying to protect himself.

Most abusers aren't 'evil'. Many are just trying to manage their emotions in really unhealthy ways by demanding their partner behaves in ways that do not trigger their uncomfortable feelings rather than learning to deal with th themselves.

My exh used to say of my mother (when I said I understood the reasons for her abuse). You understand that if you step into a lion enclosure, the lion will eat you. It's not personal. They don't hate you. It's just what lion's do. But the outcome.is still the same so you wouldn't walk into a lion enclosure.

It's probably not the greatest analogy ever formed but the point is clear.

I don’t think that the way you’re feeling is unusual at this age, I certainly struggle with it, and have for a couple of years. I don’t want to split and then realise that it was a phase I’m going through. It’s so difficult.

Thanks for all of your comments so far, it’s really interesting to hear your perspectives.
On the subject of toilet paper, I’ll clarify! Twice recently he made a comment when I’d left the bathroom door open about how many sheets I use, that he only uses two, and do I really need to use that much! Yes I do and I told him so. It was left like that but it will probably come up in a conversation further down the line about my hypocrisy that I apparently care for the environment but don’t follow through in some of my actions. Had that convo many times. It’s wearing and tedious in the context of everything else and eggshells are everywhere I tread!

As a friend said to me, he really sweats the small stuff.

He does realise women’s equipment is differently designed and we're wiping additional areas? 🙄

Have posted on (and started!) quite a few threads about similar issues @MiddleAgedMary - not identical but I very much get being in a long-term relationship which is fine much of the time, even good sometimes. But then there's a strand of his behaviour which is horrible when it happens.

I just wanted to come with sympathy and solidarity for to say it's really not an easy choice whether you stay because of the good bits - or leave because of the bad.

But if you decide the bad does outweigh the good, that's enough. His behaviour doesn't have to fit a certain label. What you feel is valid enough on its own.