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Original poster

How much compromise to make in a relationship?

33 replies

RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 15:57

How much compromise to make in a relationship?

Been together 5.5 years. Always weekends. Talked about moving in, he's not ready. Same with previous girlfriend of 9 years, never moved in together it ended.

He's not great at communicating so answers are always vague, one day, not just yet. I never imagined almost 6 years of weekends. However, we go on holiday, go away for breaks etc. Both own separate homes.

To some that would suit but, it feels short of a committed relationship to me, feels part time. No one else involved. He was married once ended 16 years ago.

Is he just not that into me?

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 15/03/2025 16:00

Does you and him have kids ?

I’m a single parent so your routine would be appealing to me but if you are both child free then I would be put off by the lack of commitment. By now he should know if you’re “the one “ or “the one for now” imo.

Whatbloodysummer · 15/03/2025 16:02

I think he's decided that he never wants to live with anyone again to be honest.

If neither yourself or the previous long term GF have been able to sway him, despite having a long/deep relationship, then it's just not something he wants?

I think he's more than happy living alone, but wants company/sex at the weekends, but without having to compromise anything at all...

If you want a loving, committed relationship which will lead somewhere (living together/marriage/kids etc, depending on what YOU want out of life), then you need to dump this part-timer and get back on the dating market?

Maitri108 · 15/03/2025 16:02

He doesn't want to move in together or marry. The relationship suits him as it is. If you want more, he's not the man for you.

Gymbunny2025 · 15/03/2025 16:05

I don’t think you can assume he’s not that into you? Just that he is happy living apart.

in terms of compromise- he isn’t is he. So it’s up to you if you’re happy to compromise on living together (never going to happen!) or it’s a deal breaker.

BurntBanana · 15/03/2025 16:05

He’s happy with the status quo and is fobbing you off with vague answers. He’s no intention of ever living with you. If this isn’t how you want your future to be, you maybe need to cut your losses like the last one did.

Augustus40 · 15/03/2025 16:09

What is wrong with being independent?

FidosMum84 · 15/03/2025 16:48

I really feel for you. And you’ve waited longer than I did. Exactly the same for me except not even a full weekend. One night on a rotation plus possibly a weeknight. It’s not a relationship that I wanted to continue as my ex was also never going to commit to the full package of joining lives together.
However happy you are at times, this is how it will always be. If you want a partner to live with, you need to find someone else. You’re the one compromising, he’s getting exactly what he wants so why would he change?

Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 16:57

Snorlaxo · 15/03/2025 16:00

Does you and him have kids ?

I’m a single parent so your routine would be appealing to me but if you are both child free then I would be put off by the lack of commitment. By now he should know if you’re “the one “ or “the one for now” imo.

We both have adult children. His live away, not with his ex wife either. I have adult son with me still. None together.

He's very set in his ways. We are both in our 50s. I feeling more and more I'm just useful for non working time, so he's not alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 16:59

Gymbunny2025 · 15/03/2025 16:05

I don’t think you can assume he’s not that into you? Just that he is happy living apart.

in terms of compromise- he isn’t is he. So it’s up to you if you’re happy to compromise on living together (never going to happen!) or it’s a deal breaker.

Very true. He doesn't compromise, I do. So, it's up to me to decide if worth continuing. Thanks

OP posts:
roses2 · 15/03/2025 16:59

So your adult child lives with you? Maybe that’s why he is hesitant although he does sound as though he doesn’t want to live with anyone anyhow.

Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:02

Augustus40 · 15/03/2025 16:09

What is wrong with being independent?

Nothing.

I've been independent for years. I'd just prefer a more committed full time relationship. We would still have financial independence, our own friends etc.

Nothing wrong with wanting more in a relationship either. Just not great if you want different things.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 15/03/2025 17:03

RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 16:57

We both have adult children. His live away, not with his ex wife either. I have adult son with me still. None together.

He's very set in his ways. We are both in our 50s. I feeling more and more I'm just useful for non working time, so he's not alone.

Show quote history

that would be the ideal man for me! Someone to see in my non working time so we're not alone - I can't think of anything nicer. Especially since he can go home afterwards, thats living the dream.

Don't be so quick to move in with him. British men have got a terrible reputation for being lazy in committed live-in relationships. Dating is the best of both worlds.

Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:04

roses2 · 15/03/2025 16:59

So your adult child lives with you? Maybe that’s why he is hesitant although he does sound as though he doesn’t want to live with anyone anyhow.

No, I don't think that's the reason. I think he just prefers living alone the majority of time, but weekends not working so he comes over.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:04

DenholmElliot11 · 15/03/2025 17:03

that would be the ideal man for me! Someone to see in my non working time so we're not alone - I can't think of anything nicer. Especially since he can go home afterwards, thats living the dream.

Don't be so quick to move in with him. British men have got a terrible reputation for being lazy in committed live-in relationships. Dating is the best of both worlds.

Show quote history

Thanks. Another perspective.

OP posts:
ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 15/03/2025 17:06

RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 16:57

We both have adult children. His live away, not with his ex wife either. I have adult son with me still. None together.

He's very set in his ways. We are both in our 50s. I feeling more and more I'm just useful for non working time, so he's not alone.

Show quote history

He quite possibly doesn't want to live with your adult son. It's a recipe for distaster so I don't blame him. Perhaps he's waiting for him to move out, or perhaps he prefers things as they are and sees no reason to complicate it. I can see his point. It's not like you are going to have children together so it seems like you have a pretty good set up to me.

Why does he only see you at weekends? What does he do all week?

Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:07

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 15/03/2025 17:06

He quite possibly doesn't want to live with your adult son. It's a recipe for distaster so I don't blame him. Perhaps he's waiting for him to move out, or perhaps he prefers things as they are and sees no reason to complicate it. I can see his point. It's not like you are going to have children together so it seems like you have a pretty good set up to me.

Why does he only see you at weekends? What does he do all week?

Show quote history

We both work and live over an hour away from.each other.

OP posts:
LetGoLetThem1234 · 15/03/2025 17:24

How would you feel/respond if you never lived together? Would you be happy with things remaining exactly as they are now?

Your answers to these questions will tell you all you need about whether you have a future with this man.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2025 17:32

It’s up to you op.

I am like him - I will never want to live with anyone again. Regardless of how much I like them.

Holidays, weekends together but living apart would be my ideal relationship.

he is not being fair to you by pretending he might want to some day. He won’t. Unless he means when he needs caring for, which isn’t what you want I don’t imagine.

it’s up to you. End it if you want someone to live with.

Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:47

LetGoLetThem1234 · 15/03/2025 17:24

How would you feel/respond if you never lived together? Would you be happy with things remaining exactly as they are now?

Your answers to these questions will tell you all you need about whether you have a future with this man.

When I started dating again 6 years ago I was looking for something that would lead to a committed relationship and eventually live together.

I cannot see that happening, unless retirement in years to come which to me feels like the best years were missed out on. To me, it feels a part time relationship. Obviously, he doesn't feel it is though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHot2025 · 15/03/2025 17:49

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2025 17:32

It’s up to you op.

I am like him - I will never want to live with anyone again. Regardless of how much I like them.

Holidays, weekends together but living apart would be my ideal relationship.

he is not being fair to you by pretending he might want to some day. He won’t. Unless he means when he needs caring for, which isn’t what you want I don’t imagine.

it’s up to you. End it if you want someone to live with.

I'm not sure if what I want is out there though. 50s now and restarting is daunting. So do I just settle for this, is my quandry

OP posts:
Mymanyellow · 15/03/2025 17:50

He’s at a loose end weekends when he not at work so sees you then. Sounds like you’re just a time filler.

FidosMum84 · 15/03/2025 18:02

It is worrying to restart. But for me I know what I want - someone to come home to. Someone to wake up with in the morning and a decent balance of time together and doing our own thing. Certainly not someone under my feet 24/7. I know I won’t get what I want in a part time set up. And it’ll make me miserable. I’ve had this with someone who’d never commit to me and it did.

If you can see yourself compromising because what you have is better than being completely alone then that’s really your decision. Sometimes people do go for the least worst option.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 18:02

If he doesn't want to live together after more than five years, he doesn't want to live together full stop, and probably never will. Don't be like his ex and wait around for 9 or more years for him to be on the same page.

"How much should I compromise?" isn't the right question to be asking. You either live together or you don't. And you don't, because he doesn't want to.

The question is, does this relationship work for you or not? Are you happy to be with him on what you see as a part time basis? Or would you rather be with a man who wants the same things you want?

Only you can answer that question.

You might want to be careful what you wish for though. If I had my own home and my children were grown up I don't know whether I'd want to take the risk of having a man move in and discovering that he was a lazy slob who expected me to do all the housework.

Tgfh · 15/03/2025 18:12

OP, he is being crystal clear to you but you are choosing not to listen and continue to waste your time.

You fit a slot in his life and he has zero intention of moving in with you....unless he needs caring for at some much later date.

Some people are very happy living alone.

Time for you to forget about him and focus on what you really want.

Someone so rigid at his age is absolutely not the type to be rushing to move in with.

ginasevern · 15/03/2025 18:14

The trouble is OP that men in their 50's and beyond (usually) become much more set in their ways than women. Living together might not be the cosy set up you envisage, especially if you have an adult child still living at home. This could cause territorial conflict and other complications (men are good at that). He will also have a very different day to day routine to you. I was widowed in my 50's and after several years thought it would be nice to have "a man about the house" again but having seen and read about the all too often reality, I would happily just enjoy someone for meals out, cinema and holidays etc.