Apparently I'm too passive and quiet, and hung-up during sex- tell me how to get better

[violentviolet]

My partner told me a few nights ago that he thought I was far too passive during sex, and it was a real turnoff to him. He wants me to be more demanding and more vocal, but the very idea just makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed.

He wants me to tell him what I want all the time, but I suppose I am passive through and through because I'm quite happy to do what he wants, and enjoy him making the decisions in bed (I have to make all the damn decisions all day every day- I don't want to do it in bed too)

I don't feel happy with my body (overweight/saggy) so it's hard to demand he does things to it when it's so horrible. When I try I find myself about to burst into faintly hysterical giggles, as if I was about to ask him to suck some dirty toes or something, like why would you want to do that. lol

I do like sex when I don't feel too exposed, and I think I am just vocal enough to let him know he's doing it right whilst remembering that our walls are paper thin. But he seems to think that unless I'm screeching like a banshee and keeping the whole street awake, that I'm not enjoying myself It's not like I'm silent, I just don't want my neighbours to have to listen to us doing it- the lady is mentally disabled and they have a young child in the house, fgs. The idea of them hearing me is an instant passion killer. Ditto for the bed creaking or banging the wall. But everytime I say "this is making too much noise" he sees it as me ruining the mood.

I don't know how to become this loud, confident sex kitten he seems to want. I've tried to stop covering my body up or refusing to do certain positions the last two times we've had sex, but I've found that I'm thinking about it all so much and concentrating on his enjoyment, I feel numb down there, and don't enjoy it nevermind climax.

I can't bring myself to ask for what I want because really I don't want anything in particular, I'll do whatever he wants. I've never really felt comfortable with foreplay anyway, I worry I won't come fast enough and he'll get bored or tired, and then I get so stressed I can't come at all. So these days I mostly refuse foreplay in preference for doing things to him until he's finished and then I finish myself off afterwards so there's no pressure. He often doesn't know about this as he'll be off getting a drink or asleep. I think he's wondering if I'm off sex, which isn't true at all.

I had no idea I was so shit in bed til our talk, I feel really awkward now! How can I be what he wants whilst still being me? Sorry this was so long.

Ohh

Sounding like a sex therapist,I'd say you need to do some work on you alone and get more comfortable with yourself before you can be these things with your partner.

Reading your post I kind of thought 'how dare he try and make you something you're not' but something tells me you have a sex kitten in you that wants to come out - not just for him but for your sake too.

Ido think you need to develop some body confidence in order to do this and to, um 'love yourself' first.

By the way,I have zero body confidence and very low self esteem but my coping mechamism has always been - since my late teens - to 'fake it. I don't mean fake orgasms, I mean fake confidence. What I find is I do start to actually believe I am sexy and attractive and 'good in bed' and thus I become so to whoever I am with. Obviously my partners have enjoyed this and so I begin to feel confident and relax and I do actually enjoy being someone I am really probably not.

I'm the same, don't want to give/be given a running commentary, tried it once and just felt ridiculous and wanted to burst out laughing. It probably took a lot for him to say something though, so deserves some consideration. As for your neighbours, the mentally disabled one probably wouldn't be bothered and how young is the child, would she know what was going on, just turn the telly up! The worrying thing though is the fact that you think he will get bored if he has to concentrate on your for too long and that you think you're shit in bed, not sure that's the case, it's very easy to get stuck in a rut and sounds like he's just trying to spice it up, he's probably read something in a magazine.

tbh I always thought I was alright in bed, I've always been a giver so this has kinda floored me. I thought as long as he was getting his I'd be percieved as good, or at least adequate in bed despite my appearance etc, but apparently it's not enough.

lol at you seeing my "inner sex kitten" - I was like that, once. I used to be dirty, loud, rude, even vibrant perhaps, but that was when I lived in student digs, or in hotels/my parents detached house when they were out. Now we live in a tiny terrace cheek-to-jowl with our neighbours and a baby in the next room. I was several stone lighter and much less saggy, and had the confidence that brought. I know he'd like me to be the same girl he met years ago but she's gone. I'm just a beige, saggy mother with too much on my plate now!

what about some role playing? (quiet role playing)

Hmm. Is your partner generally a Good Chap in other ways? Because an initial reading of your post made me think, 'what a knob, no wonder she doesn't feel very relaxed in bed'. FWIW there is no worse way to deal with a sexual problem than to say to your partner, 'You're crap. You need to change this, this and this.' But I suppose it is possible that he means well and is just going about it a bit clumsily. There are various things you can do, if you want to, such as writing down lists of fantasies and taking turns to try them out, reading some classy rude literature, etc etc. I will have a dig around on the bookshelf and see if I can come up with any books on boossting sexual self-esteem as well (I think THe Mirror Within by Anne Dickson is quite good but possibly dated by now).

Chunkychips, the foreplay thing is my hangup I spose- my first boyfriend didn't like doing it. He referred to me being wet as slime, and often looked at his watch when he was doing anything to me so it ended up just not being part of our sex life as I found it so stressful. My second boyfriend did it in the beginning of our relationship but I spose when he saw how hung up I was about it he said that if I wasn't bothered, he wasn't bothered, so we didn't really do it either.

I spose I've stuck to that a bit and usually told guys I preferred to give than recieve, which isn't the absolute truth but does mean I don't get so stressed about not coming quickly enough (lol, second boyfriend also told me his ex could come within a minute and if I tried harder and trained myself I could too)

I think I've come to rely on myself too much, if you see what I mean. That's pretty embarassing actually. I think my partner wants me to ask for foreplay but I just can't.

Sounds like he's been watching too much porn

Aitch, I don't think my partner would be up for roleplaying, he thinks that kind of thing is silly. I'd be up for it, I'm up for most things as long as the light's dim.

Madamez, he's never criticised our sex life in the past, I was asking at the time if there was anything else I could do that he would like, I spose I just didn't realise he'd say that. We've shared our fantasies and are very open in most ways, I think things have just taken a nosedive recently, mostly due to my body looking bloody awful now lol- that's what babies do to you I spose.

sounds like you've had more than your fair share of cruddy boyfriends, you poor stick.

OK,so:
1 - your ex was a twat - don't let his attitude affect your sex life now.
2 - hope your dp was suitably sensitive about communictaing his desires to you
3 - can a naturally sexually submissive person ebver feel comfortable being dominant (madamez, I think I might be asking you...)
4 - being submissive in this was boosts your confidence...because he wants to do this or that to you. Being more demanding risks rejection - not that your dp would reject you, but that is what you fear.
5 - what are you like during drunk sex? Does that inner sex kitten start to prowl once your 'defences' are down?

although, if you'd be up for it then why not make that your request?

Do you think so, friday? he does like porn, but not to excess. Think he mostly just looks at boobs to be honest, rather than watching films.

lol, i don't think the scripts are up to much.

Idon't think wanting your partner to tel you what they want menas you watch too much porn...maybe if he is hoping that what you wnat is to dress up like a cheerleader and have pouty-moany-toomuchlipstickandmascara sex by the side of a pool, then I'd be suspicious!

dear christ! SO many typos! Am turning into cod! Unfamiliar laptop. Will concentrate!

tigana, you're spot on. I think I am submissive these days and to act dominant turns me off, it makes you vulnerable to demand things from someone who can say no, I can't bear putting myself out there iyswim. Fear of rejection, exactly.

I like having sex best when I'm drunk! It's not that I have to be- my partner is good in bed, and attractive, but I'm so much less stressed and worried about what I look like. I'm probably louder too, I always cringe in the morning in case the neighbours have heard.

God, no wonder you're so self conscious, experiences like that can really hurt deeply, you're at your most vulnerable and it can absolutely colour the way you see things for a long time. I think anyway foreplay is the first thing to go when you're in a long term relationship unless you make an effort. Do you have a close relationship with dp, can you tell him all this? he might be able to help and reassure you. I know it's laying yourself bare, but it might help him to understand your fears. Your second boyfriend bragging about his ex coming within a minute was really inappropriate as well, is it some sort of race? She was probably faking anyway to get it over with quicker

Judging by an earlier thread, if your neighbours hear they will simply shout " do you mind, we are trying to eat profiteroles here" and all will be ok!

Can you explain to your dp that asking for things like that makes you feel vulnerable and you don't like feeling that way...would he 'get' that?

How about moving his hands to where you want them, rather that telling him verbally - as an example. A 'look' can speak a thousand words...

chunkychips, my partner knows about my experiences with my exes, we discuss all aspects of our past and sex lives etc, as I said we're mega open. That's why his admission came as a bit of a shock, I spose I just hadn't taken a step back and realised how boring I was being. I think I will just have to fake confidence like dividedself.

lol, I've dated some real winners, haven't I. I could go on.

Oh no, I couldn't bear it if anyone heard, I'd feel physically sick!

FF, just because someone wants to try something different sexually doesn't mean he has been watching 'too much porn'. Quite a lot of people watch porn with a partner to get ideas they'll both enjoy trying out.

VV I can see why you don't feel very confident after some of the dickheads you've had to put up with, but it does sound a bit as though your current chap is one of the good guys and even as though what he is asking for is you to enjoy yourself more and tell him how to make it better for you. Because he thinks your'e great and he wants to have fun with you.

You're probably right madamez, I should have mentioned that he likes foreplay (although he's no saint, he doesn't mind if we don't do it) but a lot of the time I refuse it, or only let him do it for a minute before acting like I need sex instead, so that I don't have to worry about not coming fast enough, otherwise I just have my eyes on him all the time to check he's not looking bored or fed up, and I'm not even concentrating on what he's doing anyway.

I have to go to bed now I have a migraine coming on, but thanks for all your responses, it's food for thought. I think I'll just have to shut up and try harder to do what he wants, really. Talk about baggage eh? haha.

Goodnight all

NO!
do not "shut up and try to do what he wants".

Do what you want. YOU.
That is what he wanted in the 1st place - you to do what you want...not just what he wants beacuse he wants it.

Don't worry about coming 'fast enough' FFS. Woman usually take longer. If you are bothered by that, then manouvre him into a different position so you can, um, help yourself along...as it were..I believe blokes like this anyway...
Just becuase your ex boyfriend suffered from premature ejaculation and didn't wnat to admit it...

NO!
do not "shut up and try to do what he wants".

Do what you want. YOU.
That is what he wanted in the 1st place - you to do what you want...not just what he wants beacuse he wants it.

Don't worry about coming 'fast enough' FFS. Woman usually take longer. If you are bothered by that, then manouvre him into a different position so you can, um, help yourself along...as it were..I believe blokes like this anyway...
Just becuase your ex boyfriend suffered from premature ejaculation and didn't wnat to admit it...