Apparently I'm too passive and quiet, and hung-up during sex- tell me how to get better

[violentviolet]

My partner told me a few nights ago that he thought I was far too passive during sex, and it was a real turnoff to him. He wants me to be more demanding and more vocal, but the very idea just makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed.

He wants me to tell him what I want all the time, but I suppose I am passive through and through because I'm quite happy to do what he wants, and enjoy him making the decisions in bed (I have to make all the damn decisions all day every day- I don't want to do it in bed too)

I don't feel happy with my body (overweight/saggy) so it's hard to demand he does things to it when it's so horrible. When I try I find myself about to burst into faintly hysterical giggles, as if I was about to ask him to suck some dirty toes or something, like why would you want to do that. lol

I do like sex when I don't feel too exposed, and I think I am just vocal enough to let him know he's doing it right whilst remembering that our walls are paper thin. But he seems to think that unless I'm screeching like a banshee and keeping the whole street awake, that I'm not enjoying myself It's not like I'm silent, I just don't want my neighbours to have to listen to us doing it- the lady is mentally disabled and they have a young child in the house, fgs. The idea of them hearing me is an instant passion killer. Ditto for the bed creaking or banging the wall. But everytime I say "this is making too much noise" he sees it as me ruining the mood.

I don't know how to become this loud, confident sex kitten he seems to want. I've tried to stop covering my body up or refusing to do certain positions the last two times we've had sex, but I've found that I'm thinking about it all so much and concentrating on his enjoyment, I feel numb down there, and don't enjoy it nevermind climax.

I can't bring myself to ask for what I want because really I don't want anything in particular, I'll do whatever he wants. I've never really felt comfortable with foreplay anyway, I worry I won't come fast enough and he'll get bored or tired, and then I get so stressed I can't come at all. So these days I mostly refuse foreplay in preference for doing things to him until he's finished and then I finish myself off afterwards so there's no pressure. He often doesn't know about this as he'll be off getting a drink or asleep. I think he's wondering if I'm off sex, which isn't true at all.

I had no idea I was so shit in bed til our talk, I feel really awkward now! How can I be what he wants whilst still being me? Sorry this was so long.

Oh!
I obviously really meant that!

Woah, why would wanting foreplay make him a saint? Presumably he just likes doing sexual things with you?

I agree with everyone that he's raised this badly. If you are happy with how you are, sexually, you shouldn't feel any pressure to change.

But it doesn't sound like you are happy.

It also sounds like your partner would be capable of telling you if he was bored or uncomfortable or whatever, during foreplay. But you need to talk to him about this fear. You need to make clear that a) you want him to tell you and b) how you want him to tell you, just in caes he's not delicate about this.

I think you should give foreplay more of a go.

If noise is a concern, why not fall back on the old flatmates' standard, music? It does provide some cover, and gives you the illusion of cover.

Well that's such a turn-on...'you are really crap in bed and I want you to be like someone else'. Hmmm..that would do it for me Why do you have to pretend?

I am quite similar. I am 'in charge' all day, the one who makes all the the decisions and sorts everything else. I don't want to be like that in bed - unless sex is going to be just another chore (which it sometimes is TBH). Sometimes it's different and I call the shots and I know DH likes it but it's a big pretence on my part really. But generally I think that sex is pretty good for both of us. Thankfully DH likes doing most of the work. If he ever said he didn't, and complained, I'd be quite hurt and I think it would blow a bit of a hole in our relationship.

Oh dear.

your confidence is rock bottom. I think you need to get some reality checks about sex!
1- most women take 10 minutes of direct stimulation or longer to orgasm. Why you would want to 'train yourself' to come faster I don't know, even if it were possible.
2- most men enjoy giving oral sex. You are not gross, or slimey, your vagina is lovely my DH had never done it before me, (comes from a culture where it's 'dirty') took him a while and lots of booze to try it, but he loves it now, and does it at every opportunity. To be fair, he only does it if I'm freshly washed, but that's ok, and if I jump in the shower before bed he knows what's on the cards!
3- you can incorporate masturbation into sex with him, it doesn't have to be after he's gone. If you feel you want to come quicker just get down there - many men enjoy watching women do that and even if he's not bothered, he won't mind! I do that a lot these days as my bump means we can't do the positions that make me come.
4- you have a right to enjoy sex. You are NOT crap, you have lost your way. You think you are unattractive and unsexy, but I'm sure your DP doesn't think so! He obviously fancies you

I think you should try having some beuty treatments, wax and fake tan, buy some nice underwear, and wear it all to bed. Start slowly, don't expect to turn into a wild child overnight, but if you feel better about your body you may feel less shy. Let him go down on you, try to relax and enjoy it. With practise, you will, I promise! Done by a man who enjoys it, it's fabulous! A tip is to get rid of your hair underneath, it makes it more sexy for both of you and if you don't like the pre-pubescent look (like me) you can leave the front hair.

Imagine how surprised he will be when you come to bed with a fresh wax and some sexy knickers you won't even have to say anything, he'll get the message!

Good luck xxx

Possible reply to your ex-boyfriend could have been:
'my ex could blow himself, if you tried harder you could train yourself, too'

I second what thefearlessfreak said.
Your dp is expressing himself (in itself commendable by bloke standards)
so take this as an opportunity to express yourself back.

Neither of you is crap at sex, you just need to communicate more.
For example, does he know you don't like certain positions because of how you feel about your body?

Agree with both thefearlessfreak and kat2907.

If you are worried about making a noise and 'getting it over with', i'm sure your partner will pick up on that. Can you not put a pillow behind the headboard if it bangs, or have a session on the living room floor with some music on a little louder than normal.

Am sure he doesn't want you do scream the whole street down, but maybe try saying things like 'fuck that's nice'.

Don't think about trying to orgasm and getting it over and done with but rather the sensations and how his touch/stimulation makes you feel. Concentrate on how nice it feels, rather than trying to make yourself come in under 60 seconds.

Am sure most men actually really like it when their partner gets wet, as it shows they are turned on and therefore doing something right!

As kat2907 said, you aren't crap, have just lost 'yourself' a bit and pampering yourself so you look and FEEL sexy may well help.

Maybe you could say to him that one night a week you will concentrate on giving and but that means that at the next opportunity, it's all about you and receiving! I don't necessarily mean sex for you, maybe just touching, kissing, oral etc, until you reach your goal.

Sorry but your pist makes this sound all about him. Step back a bit and realise that your opinion counts just as much.

What I mean is, he wants you to be more vocal? Well, where in any book of rules does it say that that 'keeping quiet incase you emarrass yourself in front of the neighbours/feel inhibited due to thin walls' is less important than 'scream the roof off so he can stroke his ego'?

Er..POST lol

Hi, thanks for all your posts, I appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts on this.

Tigana, once again you're spot on in your comments. I wish I could just do what I want but it's a bit of a leap of faith, really. I don't really know what I want anyway, I don't like oral sex much as I worry that I look awful and the stress makes me numb, I really love it when he touches me but I suspect it's pretty boring for him. I especially don't like having to discuss what we should do or make decisions. If he just went down on me or touched me without asking or making me ask (not gonna happen) I'd probably feel happier about it, and enjoy it more because I know he wants to, and he isn't just doing it because I asked him to. Not very fair on him, is it?

fearlessfreak- I see what youre saying. It's so weird, I always thought I was doing him a favour by not making him have to deal with my needs, tbh I always suspected that men mostly faked wanting to do things to women which didn't involve using their penis in some way. Not trying to offend anyone, it was just my own private suspicion.

lol kat, there's no way I could possibly get waxed, I can't even show him that area nevermind inflicting it on some immaculate 18 yr old beauty therapist! I'm afraid the last person to see it in any detail was the midwife who stitched me up and it's staying that way. I've tried

daddyj, he does know I don't like showing my body to him and he takes it personally. He says I treat him as if he's some knob who will run away at the first glimpse of an imperfection. It's not that but I feel like if he knew just how bad my body looked he'd think that he could do a lot better.

Mutherhubbard, great suggestion about doing it downstairs on the floor with music on, that would suit me fine and take away about half my paranoia! I do speak and let him know he's doing things right during sex but apparently it's only volume which counts, which leads me onto lovesdogsandcats post- I really admire your confidence, wish I could be like you and just be happy with my own decisions.

So sorry this is rivalling war & peace.

oops @ that random "I've tried". I don't know where the rest of the sentence went. I was trying to say that I've tried tarting myself up but I just feel like a bit of a dog's dinner really, like a turd in a ribbon! No point.

violet -
shave it yourself then! I do, (at least I did before bump got in the way!) and it gets lovely and smooth
men are NOT faking enjoyment of turning you on. I mean it, my DH loves giving oral sex and adores turning me on, it's half the pleasure for him.
You are the only one who thinks your body is hideous. You need to work on that! Cos it's not!
And I mean it, your vagina is not awful, or horrible. Have you ever been to the vagina monologues? Google 'vagina monologues bob' for a bit of perspective on how men feel about them

xxx

If you have oral sex in the dark, he can't see your vagina anyway, so you can relax about that aspect (not that you should be woried about in with the lights on, but darkness may have a more immediate effect than therapy/self help books/MN mentoring!)

It's always dark, I get upset otherwise (we never do it in the daytime) I do shave down there occasionally for variety, although he's not one of those men who's that bothered, and it makes no difference to me either way.

The thing is Kat, is that I actually am rather hideous. (I ain't got no alibi lol) I wish I was one of those slim women who pinch an inch of tummy skin and claim to be a whale, or who obsess about their nose/bum/toes, whatever. I'm really overweight, I've gained and lost weight and been pregnant etc and now I'm huge and saggy with empty boobs and wrinkly skin. It's freakish and irreparable. It isn't all about my bits- they look knackered but as long as I don't have to show anyone I don't care.

Going to stop posting because it's pointless and I'm just moaning now. Thanks everyone anyway.

have you thought about showing him this thread? tbh he's coming across great in it, it's you that needs some help imo (and in your opinion, i think) coming to terms with your body image. how you'll do that, i don't know, it's a matter of confidence i suspect, which has been wrecked by previous arseholes boyfriends. your poor fella now, though, is just wanting you to be happy with him, i think.

if you showed him this thread it might help him to see how you're feeling without taking it personally. because even as you explain it to us, the vast majority of people think he's trying to please you rather than undermine you.

I've just found this

www.howtohavegoodsex.com/sexual_communication_styles.htm I wonder if trying that would help?

I wouldn't be tempted to show him this thread as I think he'd only read the title and assume I've been slagging him off, but I have been thinking about what people have said.

Someone said about not letting my exes crap attitudes ruin my current sex life, and you're right, I am always letting the words and actions of two or three bad apples upset and influence me. My current partner has never criticised my body or our sexlife (beyond what I've said in this thread) so I think perhaps I need to draw a line in the sand and stop hearing their voices in my head putting me down iyswim.

Also I think I will try to look after myself more, even though some part of me does feel like it's pointless I've often heard people say fake it til you make it. I'm still not getting waxed though!

I think I'll also invest in a Z bed for downstairs and some sexy soundtracks so we can forget about the noise aspect (that would be awesome) and may even buy something nice to wear, then forcibly tell my bad inner voice to shut up and try the foreplay again.

I'd have to really work on my confidence before I could actually order him about though. I probably do need some lessons from madamez!

everyone needs lessons from madamez. you know she's seventy-five and still hard at it?

anyhoo, i think you underestimate him re the thread. although tbh if he thought you were slagging him off (which you aren't, and nor is anyone else) it would probably make him more likely to read it, not less...

"daddyj, he does know I don't like showing my body to him and he takes it personally. He says I treat him as if he's some knob who will run away at the first glimpse of an imperfection. It's not that but I feel like if he knew just how bad my body looked he'd think that he could do a lot better."

Oh that makes me so . If you are married with children he MUST have seen your body before and I'm not surprised he takes it personally that you hide away. I'm not saying you should start walking around the house naked, I hate my DH seeing me undress/shower etc but when it comes to sex I don't have the same inhibitions as it will stop you (and it obv has done) enjoying sex and sex is definitely there to be enjoyed. If nakes is deffo a no-no then how about some sexy negligees , they will cover up but also provide access!!
Also I think the fact he has tried to talk to you about it (ok not in the most sensitive way but it IS communication) means he knows there is a problem. Do you think some of his sex hangups about not stimulating you have come from the fact that you don't expect it, if he thinks you are not enjoying it maybe he can't see the point.

However I am not sure how you have sex without foreplay!! Doesn't it hurt?

Libra, yes it does hurt sometimes, but not as much as losing your virginity to (typical) the biggest guy you've ever slept with, sans foreplay. It was like giving birth in reverse. In fact this is really tmi but he actually gave me what would probably be classed as a first degree tear a few times, when I was young and ignorant and embarassed of being wet. (I've never told anyone that actually)

75 eh, madamez? steel hip joints, are they?

Well the first thing I would recommend then is to get yourself some lube. Sex shouldn't be painful (unless of course you like it that way - we need a waggle eyebrows icon!).

Lube is your friend, even if you are wet it's useful for things such as massage and handjobs.

Way ahead of you there now lol- I'm no longer embarassed of being wet, even my lazy second boyfriend corrected me on that score! I must have been insane.

Aitch, shut up you puddock! VV I am not that old... and what I really, really recommend to you is working on your whole self esteem: pampering (if you like it), treats, a few good books on gaining confidence - though it's also very true that if you act confident you will start to feel confident (as with any state of mind). Because you're obviously a lovely person, you're funny and smart - and it does sound like your DP is a nice guy as well (even if he doesn;t always express himself with enough sensitivity, reading through the thread it becomes clear that he loves you, fancies you and wants the sex to be more enjoyable for you).

Are you bored if you're touching him? I didn't think so. So why would he be bored while he's touching you?