Would you expect to be invited to partner’s drinks?

[BagHunt]

Just curious. My partner of almost 2 years is involved with a charity group, mixture of all ages and men/women, he’s been in it for about a year. I’ve never met any of them but they do a lot of weekends away, been on 2 group foreign holidays, day/overnight hikes etc…not that much charity work as far as I can see. We don’t see each other much, maybe 1-2 times per week, as we are both so busy. He’s meeting up with some of them tonight, which I only found out about yesterday when I messaged to tell him I’m unexpectedly free tonight and to see if he was too. It was ‘sorry I’ve got plans’ and only elaborated when I asked. Seemed a bit off. If it was me I’d have probably said ‘ok great would be good to see you, we are meeting at X, call in for a drink if you want’ or similar, as we won’t be that far away from each other. But crickets. I’ve been involved and met all other people from his life, eg family, sport group friends, but not this group. Would you think it odd? All else ok more or less on the relationship front, but I don’t know if this group even knows about me.

No I wouldn't expect to be invited, I don't think partners usually would be in a dynamic like that? Sounds like almost a "work friends" kind of situation. Perhaps he didn't elaborate on his plans because no one brings partners so he didn't want to invite you.

No I wouldn’t expect to be invited and I wouldn’t think to invite my partner to a group that I mixed with.

Personally I think it’s fine to have separate social groups away from your OH.

Absolutely nit, and I wouldn’t go if I was.

No he doesn’t have to invite you to social activities with other people.
Is the bigger problem that you only see him 1-2 times per week and this perhaps isn’t enough for you?

Some people like to keep their hobbies separate but overall he doesn’t sound overly invested.

No. I think it's healthy to have separate interests tbh.

But yes, perhaps you feel you'd rather see him more, is that why this is bothering you?

Thanks, I just thought I’d see what the norm was with this kind of thing.

No I don’t particularly want to see him more as it generally works fine for us, so it’s not that. I think it’s more this just seemed different, like a deliberate separation between me and the group and got me wondering why that might be. On other occasions he’s included me in every aspect of his life, as you’d might expect after 2 years. So when he’s with family or out with sport/work friends I get a ‘we are at X place, would be great if you are free and joined us’ even when he knows I’m meant to be busy. So this just seemed a bit weird that a) he didn’t mention it at all, despite us talking about upcoming plans only a few days ago, and didn’t say what it was until I specifically asked and b) he knew I was definitely free and nearby.

I don’t know if I’m overly wary as in the past when he’s been telling me something about this group, he referred to me in the story as ‘someone I know’ (as in not his gf/partner). At that point I was a bit surprised and asked if they knew about me and got a vague ‘hmm not sure, maybe, I assume so…’ so I took that to mean he’s never explicitly said he’s in a relationship, or that he doesn’t talk about me apart from as ‘someone’. My paranoid brain jumped to wondering if he’s trying to present himself as unattached to this group. He’s never struck me as a player or cheat, but I’ve been cheated on in the past so don’t know if I overthink this type of thing.

Sounds to me as though you are involved with someone who wants to compartmentalise their life. That he doesn't want you to be involved in certain aspects of his life.
Personally I wouldn't like this.

Maybe he just likes a little breathing space within the relationship vs feeling pressured to be either you any time you’re suddenly free and expect an invite to wherever he is.

Personally I’d be horrified if my partner tried to involve themselves in all aspects of my social life. Too clingy yuk.

He has decided to keep you separate from this part of his life and probably has studiously not mentioned you.

People that do this generally do it for a reason.
I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who treated me like a dirty secret.
Extremely dishonest IMO.

This is not about having separate interests which is very normal.
This is about keeping quiet about you.
It is the behaviour of people still on the look out.

On other occasions he’s included me in every aspect of his life, as you’d might expect after 2 years.

You see I wouldn’t expect to be included in every aspect of a partners life and I wouldn’t include him in every aspect of mine.

In the 27 years I was with my husband, he had friends I’ve never met and vice versa I compartmentalise my life and I’d want sane from a partner. I’d find being completely involved with each others social worlds absolutely suffocating but we are all different. There’s no ‘normal’ there’s no right and wrong just different people who live in different ways. Maybe this guy compartmentalises and doesn’t see it as an issue? But if it bothers you, then you need a conversation

This sounds like your gut talking - I'd probably listen to it. Is he on social media and friends with any of this group? Is he open about being in a relationship on social media?

That does all sound a bit odd.
But do you not know what the charity is? Look it up online, there should be a registration number and it shouldn't be hard to find some information about what they do, how they fundraise etc and how to get involved.
I'm not suggesting you contact them or take it any further, but it should be fairly easy to get an idea if the things he says he is doing tie in with how the charity works. Ie if it is a meeting type thing then inviting other people would be inappropriate.
Tbh it sounds very odd for a 'charity' group, not sure how foreign holidays and day trips is particularly charitable!

There's a difference between having separate interests and studiously keeping a partner separate from a specific group. People who are comparing this to a work friends situation - I've met plenty of colleagues partners in exactly this way i.e. they join on the odd occasion when they're free.

They're good enough friends to be going on holidays together, it's weird for partners to be completely excluded from a group like that.

When he talks about the group does he ever mention having met any of their partners?

No, I wouldn't expect to be invited to a meeting when they all know each other from something I'm not involved with, and they are most likely talking about that share interest.
Nor would I invite my dh.
Nor would I be impressed if someone brought a partner along. It completely changes the dynamic.

I have loads of friends dh hasn't met and he has loads of friends I don't know. Because we both have our own interests and we aren't one person.
Oh, and we've been married over 30 years.

There is a huge difference between having separate interests and hobbies within a relationship and deliberately omitting that you are in a relationship at all.

I have come across this lying by ommission and every single time the person was behaving as if they were single.

Listen to your gut OP, if it is trying to warn you, take heed.

Two holidays with a charity group in one year is a lot.

Yes seems a little odd that he’s been vague with this particular group..

My gut would say there’s a woman he’d quite like to shag in this group.

@BagHunt give the guy a break. He's working for a charity which is presumably dear to his heart and very personal to him.
Do you ever do personal stuff you like to keep personal?

Addendum:
I'd certainly want to see personal expenditure receipts and his personal itinerary for the purpose of ICE.
If you get me.

No, definitely not. I get that my company would affect the dynamics in some groups. If my partner felt they were friends he'd prefer to see alone, I'd trust his judgement.

I probably wouldn't have a good time so I'd rather not go.

If he always invites you to come join other groups/people & clearly is being evasive about this one then you’re right to trust your gut. Probably a woman he’s got history with there or who he’s casually had something with/they hook up when they go on their trips etc. That what I’d be thinking. It’s problematic to explain, he doesn’t want it to necessarily stop & so he’s keeping you away from it. IMO.

Something is clearly amiss, @BagHunt. He is presenting himself to this group as a single guy, and is creating as much distance as possible between you and them.

He doesn’t want a specific woman to know about you and vice versa, hence the whole group has no clue that you exist. You are excluded from events, trips, and outings and he has not told anyone about you, his Partner. Being referred to as ‘Someone’ in his stories speaks volumes.

It’s very odd that these people meet so often — weekends away, trips abroad, day and overnight hikes, nights out — yet they hardly ever actually do charity work. Are you sure that multiple members are present with him during all of these gatherings? [Do you see photos on SM?] Even if so, I believe he is investing in a particular OW.

Regarding the issue at hand, it is telling that he rejected your unexpected free evening and was initially cagey about his plans, and then failed to include you. There will be a reason that you are being marginalized and kept away.

I don’t believe that he is monogamous, but he is not going to be forthcoming. If you want to get to the bottom of this, you could investigate his phone. Personally, I wouldn’t continue with any man who erased and excluded me like this. Move on and leave him to it, @BagHunt.

Very odd sounding charity? Can’t think of many charities that include holidays?! As another poster said, I wonder if there’s a potential person of interest in the group?

Hmm ok thanks, lots of varying thoughts from both ends of the spectrum to consider here.

To clarify, they all met through a charity, that is legit, and the social aspects are an off-shoot they’ve organised amongst themselves - not that they are defrauding a charity going on holidays using the funds or anything! It’s just I hear about the social group trip type stuff more than anything productive they’ve done for the charity.

Bf and I aren’t in each others pocket and do have independent busy lives and separate social circles, which is totally normal, but to answer a question above, no there’s nothing I’d keep personal or totally separate from him should he be interested, and we usually talk about our upcoming plans with various groups when we chat, as normal. I’ve met other his groups of friends where appropriate in an 2 year relationship, as he’s always invited me - not that I insist on being included in every bit of his life! I probably wouldn’t have gone to this one anyway, as its not my interest and I’m aware of how dynamics play out at these things, but it’s just the silence around it that I noticed.

He’s not on any social media but his close friends and family have all met me and know he’s in a relationship. It’s just this group where it sounds like he’s not clarified he’s attached, however equally I’ve not heard him mention meeting partners of the other members, except a husband and wife who are involved together and attend the socials together.

Usually if he’s got a plan with them he’s chatted openly about it, looking forward to whatever it is, no big deal. I think it’s the difference between how he is usually quite open with invitations vs how he was regarding the social last night that’s made me feel something about it is off.