Would you expect to be invited to partner’s drinks?

[BagHunt]

Just curious. My partner of almost 2 years is involved with a charity group, mixture of all ages and men/women, he’s been in it for about a year. I’ve never met any of them but they do a lot of weekends away, been on 2 group foreign holidays, day/overnight hikes etc…not that much charity work as far as I can see. We don’t see each other much, maybe 1-2 times per week, as we are both so busy. He’s meeting up with some of them tonight, which I only found out about yesterday when I messaged to tell him I’m unexpectedly free tonight and to see if he was too. It was ‘sorry I’ve got plans’ and only elaborated when I asked. Seemed a bit off. If it was me I’d have probably said ‘ok great would be good to see you, we are meeting at X, call in for a drink if you want’ or similar, as we won’t be that far away from each other. But crickets. I’ve been involved and met all other people from his life, eg family, sport group friends, but not this group. Would you think it odd? All else ok more or less on the relationship front, but I don’t know if this group even knows about me.

Some groups are successful because they have a rule of no partners.

We've all been on a work outing and someone has brought a wife who has a Po faces all evening, doesn't make conversation and glares at her husband when he laughs at a joke.

It can be a good dynamic not to involve partners sometimes.

As OP only sees him once or twice a week, he already has a lot of breathing space within the relationship. It sounds very casual for a 2-year relationship and I don't think that will change.

I would be suspicious op. Dp and I usually have a conversation on the weekend about our plans for the next week and he’ll tell me if he’s going out and who with and I do the same. We have met some of each others friends but not all of them. If he hasn’t told them he’s in a relationship and hasn’t told you he’s going out with them I’d assume the worst, that there’s a woman there that he wants to impress.

Absolutely & the OP is not blind to this. Presumably you don’t hide/minimise your attendance at these work events from your own DP (if you have one) tho? It’s the minimising that the OP has the issue with when he happily offers to attend /tells her about all his other social affairs.

Another person saying there is someone he is interested in there - or alternatively someone he may feel insecure about OP meeting that is potentially more attractive in looks and personality than him and he wants to keep them apart. It’s far more likely to be the former, sadly. He’s happy for you to meet sports friends and family bc presumably he’s not trying to get with any of them or wishes them to think he’s available.

It’s pretty odd he told you that’s how he refers to you though. Not very sensible if he is up to something and not trying to arouse your suspicion by making out he’s not with you etc. Unless he does it so often with them he does it by default regardless.

What would happen if you said you wanted to meet his charity friends I wonder.

There will be a new woman on the scene.

@BagHunt - I missed your post first time round. Not sure if you’re still looking at your post but in case you are: I think something is a bit suss here. Periodic meeting up for drinks would be absolutely fine for me, but frequent weekends away and foreign trips - that sounds odd and a significant intrusion into other relationships. Are all members of that social group really spending so much time together without their families and long-term partners (if they have them)? Somehow I doubt it. Not unless they have no other significant attachments.

Tbh, when my dad got heavily involved in local politics many moons ago, he also didn’t discuss family and in due course embarked on an affair which included weekends away on walking trips which my mum was told were for conferences etc. (This was before the Internet when it was harder to check things).

So I think something is wrong here. There are no good reasons for him to be passing himself off as unattached; only bad ones.

I’m surprised this thread has new replies! Thanks all for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

We ended up having a talk about this situation, as well as the general future of our relationship. He has reassured me that the group do know about me and the ‘someone I know’ comment was from very early on in our relationship so I do understand in that respect why he didn’t refer to me as gf/partner - at that time he knew I was quite resistant to being labelled or tied down after my divorce. Also without prompting he immediately offered that I should meet them next time they’re doing a social, so it doesn’t seem that there is anything dodgy going on.

Apparently the ‘drinks’ that I had posted about here was actually just a few of the group wanting to discuss something specific, rather than a big piss up jolly, so inviting partners would definitely have been weird. Of course this could all be BS but I can only go on trust, and watch and wait to see if I am actually invited next time.

@Dery to answer one of your questions, it does look like the members regularly join in lots of these things while leaving families and partners behind. If that’s for a non-innocent purpose, I don’t know. A big mixed sex group of them had a camping trip recently and it looks like there are quite a few (married men and married women) who attend these things solo, leaving SOs at home.

Bf has been doing quite a few things with the group recently and it does seem like they are all quite obsessive with their camping, cycling, hiking etc and always having some crazy holiday or activity in the diary. Part of our talk was about him making sure he’s not compartmentalising his life to the point of excluding me and not prioritising that group over our relationship, as it could quite easily take over all of his free time. He’s been single for so long before me I’m not sure if he’s maybe just too rooted in his ‘carefree bachelor’ mode to be in a long term relationship. I have to plan carefully due to kids, and he can spontaneously just go off on a trip whenever it comes up. I’ve said if he truly wants me to be in his life then I need to feel more included in discussions - not him asking me for permission or anything, but also not just vague information or suddenly ‘oh I’m off to climb Kilimanjaro with the group, bye’.

He is usually a very clear communicator, and accepts that his unusual vagueness over the drinks thing lead me to feel unsettled and suspicious, so we’ll see.

No I wouldn’t expect it. Your plans fell through it’s not his responsibility last minute to invite you

@BagHunt - thanks for coming back to update. Sounds like you’ve had a really useful chat. As you say, it’s fine for him to have other social activities but they shouldn’t squeeze your relationship into the background and it sounded like the balance had got a bit off but priorities are being restored which is good.

I’m very happily married. I also have a job, a hobby and two voluntary roles.

Everyone I regularly interact with in those scenarios knows I’m married and about by husband. He’s not met most of them. I’ve not met any of their significant others.

If we had a social event and one person brought their partner, it would be so weird that I’d probably be worried they were in some sort of coercive and controlling relationship. If it was a couples event that would be different, but we’ve never had one of those.

@AndImBrit - I think it’s not so much about the drinks but the frequent days out, weekends away and trips abroad which sound likely to squeeze out the non-attending partner and overshadow the main relationship. There’s definitely a balance to be struck but based on OP’s update, they’re working that out.

I wouldn't think of inviting my partner to things - why do that?!

I’ve said if he truly wants me to be in his life then I need to feel more included in discussions
Why does he need to 'include' you in these discussions? Unless you do mean he needs to run things by you? I may be misconstruing what you mean by included in discussions, but for me that means you feel you have a say in what gets organised?

I wouldn’t want partners involved in anything like this or work or volunteering. Even friendship groups. It affects the dynamic and you have to look after them

Sounds more like OP is just wanting to strike the right balance in her relationship as she has the commitment of her DC & he is much more able to do things spontaneously. They don’t live together & so he has his own more involved social group than her & it’s about trying to find a balance. She’s not trying to stop him going on these things & he’s cleared up any question of infidelity /deliberately keeping her from this group. They’ve got different lifestyles in that respect. It could be that the grouo are almost like family in the way they are a priority to her OP & will always take up a percentage of his time.

Thanks @Calver and @Dery for understanding where I’m coming from! The issue of balance was one of the things that came up in our discussion. So @CaptainFutureto address your point, no it’s not about me having a say in what he does but yes, running things by me rather than dropping things on me last minute or very vague communication that gets my suspicions up (when it seemed like he was keeping me and the group very separate) is something that needed addressing. If the group are so very important to him then it seemed odd when I felt he was keeping us in separate boxes, but that has been addressed now. I consider him when planning my childcare arrangements, so it’s only courteous that he shows me the same respect with his plans. But I do wonder if his single guy spontaneous mindset is too deeply rooted, so I’ll remain watchful to see if his actions match his words.