Mental load shit. Do we just put up and shut up?

[LadyCassandra]

I’m posting this here because I have a long text to send to DH and I want to know if it’s worth the shit show it will cause.

Background is that our life is pretty stressful right now, DS16 has been having some serious mental health issues. DH works in the mental health field and takes on more clients than he should because financially we have had it tough for a few years and he’s clawing back. We both work full time and have 3 kids. Our bathroom is being renovated (rental) so we have no shower and only one toilet. Lots going on. Yesterday I took a days sick leave because my mental health is suffering and I had a day of self care.

This morning DS16 had a fracture clinic appointment at 7am. It was near DH’s school so he said he would take him.
I woke up at 6.30 and they were still here, DH said “I thought it was 7.30” and was stressing about not being ready for work, so I took DS to the scan appointment myself, drove back and swapped with DH for the actual consultant appointment.

My DD6 was ready for school in brand new shoes he’d bought her last night from a cheap shop, so I started walking her to school, having decided to take another sick day. On the way her shoes started rubbing and we had to change them (I’d put spare in her bag in case this happened). While doing that DH calls to say the electrician is at the house and needs to get in.
So I am running back home after drop off and he calls and I lose the plot at him, saying I’m super stressed, carrying a pair of shoes, a coffee cup, racing to let an electrician in that I didn’t know was coming, and trying to answer my phone, having got up and left the house in 2 minutes, and none of this is down to my bad planning.
He hangs up and then sends a text saying “I do more around here than you realise”.

My response text is below, which I want to send, but it will just cause drama. As a strong feminist woman I want to blast him for the mental load shit, but I still have to love, live and co-parent with this man. And I do love him a lot. He’s a good man who does way more around the house than anyone of my friends DHs. He’s been a SAHD at points in our lives. He has organised all of DS’s MH appointments but he’s in that field. I don’t know, am I just being a drama queen?

“It’s not about what you do or don’t do, it’s about what you think about.

You don’t plan, you don’t think ahead.
You are all consumed with your job and your stuff, but we have a whole family to think of.

The thinking stuff is all on me, it’s been proven this last two weeks. That’s why I had to take 2 days off because I can’t think of my job while I’m thinking of all the other stuff.

I asked you a week ago to look into car loan options, now our savings are nearly gone.

I asked you in Dec to go to the bank, we went 2 weeks ago.

I asked everyone to help cook this week, I still cooked every night, despite shopping and planning easier meals because following instructions on a screen is too hard.

I put everything in the diary and plan around it all, you dont. And that’s why this morning is a shit show.

I booked in DDs parent teacher this afternoon and DS’s on Monday and I’m already making plans to get there.

I am searching for a babysitter for next Thursday for a show we booked in December because I know DS and all his friends all have plans.

This is all the stuff I carry in my brain. All the time.

So don’t come back with “I do more than you realise” just because we share the housework.”

Boy, that was long! Congrats if you got this far!

I absolutely hate renovations, it adds another layer of stress that is thankfully temporary. I get frustrated at times too, everyone else in my house is neurodiverse and it can be hard. But I wouldn't send that text.

I wouldn’t send it, it’s not worth the drama. Both of you are clearly stressed and don’t have enough time for calm planning, this text )and arguing about it) will just take out more of your time.
I absolutely agree with you about mental load in general and yours in particular but this text won’t help.
Hope it’s get better, your life does sound very stressful at the moment.

I wouldn't send that text either. Learned from experience it's not a way to solve conflict.

It depends on what you want the outcome to be? If you are looking to improve things then that is not going to achieve that. Something as important as that needs to be talked about face to face.

You know your dh is taking on extra at work because you guys are in a financial hole. He works mental health where a mistake can have a big impact and it's not like he can leave work. You took a day off for self care.

Just like you, his well has run dry.

That's not a strong feminist text, it's a list of complaints and do you really think sending that will make one thing improve? It will likely cause resentment.

Maybe you guys should sit down after dinner and divvy up the next days tasks/appointments/things to do.

I hope your bathroom is done soon.

Why wouldn't you guys send it? To me it seems important to get things off your chest, and OPs DH really has screwed her over here. If she doesn't say it resentment will just build.

Speak to him. But you're right - it does sound like an imbalance.
I learned a lot from my first marriage and refused in my next relationship not to settle for anything less than at least 50/50 (with a fair split on everything, including paid work).
My life is immeasurably happier now. We're a team and carry the load together.

Sorry to hear your having such a stressful time. It sounds really tough.

But don't send the text. Men in general don't respond well to lengthy texts. He'll probably just see the length of it and not dare to read it all as he'll know he's 'in trouble '.

I've texted issues to friends/family before and ended up regretting it as on reflection it is a cowardly and immature way of resolving conflict.

You need to pick your battles and decide your hills to die on out of the current problems you are having with your DH. Bring them up factually and without waffle. If you go on and on and hurl accusations the other party will just switch off and get defensive.

I'd sleep on it as well. When emotion is running high it just won't go well

If you pick it up, others will let you carry it.
Give yourself permission to drop a few balls and see what happens.

My DH always gives this advice. He's a wise old owl and he usually right 😁

I never send long texts, hence the posting it here rather than sending it immediately!

If I leave it, it all becomes a mess, and there are balls dropped that cost us money and time. For example, last year there was an issue with a parking permit not being renewed because I didn’t do it, and it cost us $150. That was the last time this issue blew up.

If I leave the meal prep/shopping, we end up buying last minute takeaways or the kids eat pesto pasta every night, which is neither cost effective or nutritious.

The stuff I do is important because it helps our family function well, and costs us if it doesn’t get done.

I’m so sick of being the default family brain, and this is what tipped me over the edge today.

Just to add, we’ve been together for 23 years, married for 19 and I have left them to get on with it over the years.
I also have ADHD and having things in order keeps me sane!

None of what you wrote sounds unreasonable, nor aggressive to me.

Mental labor very taxing and exhausting, and it remains unseen to its beneficiaries until it's pointed out (sometimes with strong assertion).

I would send your text and then make/force time to discuss it. If it's left unsaid, things will just stew and get everything just hotter. Ime

sounds dramatic tbh. you were carrying a cup and shoes (presumably in a bag) and that made picking up a phone too stressful? I wouldn't take out your stress on him

I wouldn't send that text. If in his head he's honestly doing his best on the home front at the moment (whether he is or not), it won't help.

Renovations is an out of the ordinay situation where everything is more chaotic than usual so that'll be adding to heightened emotions and pressure. I'd definitely put it on your DH that he said he'd do the 6.30 consult and got the time wrong. I don't think you mentioned if he actually knew the electrician was coming. If he did, that's on him too. If not, it's on the landlord/electrician.

I'd talk to DH about these specific instances of not telling you and then add in some of the things in your proposed text message that you need him to do (like the car loan). He might also be at the peak of his capacity or he might need to step up and do more.

Not in a bag! 🤣
Shoes, my coffee cup, DDs reusable babycino cup, keys and phone, which I was trying to answer, while running up a steep hill in 35deg heat (I’m in Aus)!

I wouldn't send the text but don't delete it. Sit down and have a conversation & use it as a prompt/guide as to what you want to say.

Have you and DH actually taken the time to sit down and list out every single job that parents do and divide them up? Parenting is a job share, if you don’t put the time into properly dividing up, it’s always a mess.

This 👆
Text arguing is really unhelpful and won’t get you any positive outcome. By all means write down what you’re thinking and worried about as this will help you organise your thoughts. But ask him to sit down and talk together at a time where you have some privacy and are hopefully not too tired or stressed to listen. Use the text as a prompt and then give him time to process this. Don’t force an immediate response (you’ve had time to plan your thoughts, he deserves that too).
If you frame it in a positive way instead of criticising what seems like a decent partner and dad, you might be able to move in to a discussion about how you rebalance the workload in the house.

Don't send the text! You're both busy, you are both doing your best. Just laugh it off and find a way to relax together over the weekend (whatever works best for you). There is really no need to make this into an even bigger drama.

You're drowning.
The worst thing you can do right now is to blame your husband, who is probably also drowning, for that fact.
Fact is that you're both stressed, and tired, and burned out, and doing your best.
Just because his best isn't enough to make you feel better right now, doesn't mean he isn't trying. It's not his fault that life is asking more from you than you can give right now.

Don't send that text. And maybe stop trying to compete with who's drowning more than the other. You've been together for a long time and you say he's been there and he's taken on a lot of the care for the family in the past. So trust that he's doing what he can. Maybe he can improve, sure. Who can't? But that doesn't make him your enemy. That makes him human. You two should be the team and have each other's backs. Try getting back to that partnership. Maybe you'll still be drowning, but it's not as bad when you're doing it together.

going against the grain here, I’d send it. It wasn’t unreasonable or aggressive and perhaps, if it’s out of character for you, he might reflect on what you’ve said.

I agree with this. Don’t send the text. When things are calmer, talk face to face about how to share the mental load (I’m a believer in each person having areas that are 100% their responsibility rather than trying to both manage everything).

I wouldn't send that text, it isn't going to help.

You both seem overwhelmed at the minute. Can he cut back on extra patients if that is exacerbating the lack of time issue?

Can you decide what absolutely necessary and what can slip? Get grocery deliveries on a regular basis. Give him tasks that impact him mostly if they aren't done.

Do you have coping strategies for your ADHD?Yes it's annoying that your DH forgot the electrician was coming, but you did have the day off.

He does sound kind of disorganised. But don’t think the text will help solve that.