I’m posting this here because I have a long text to send to DH and I want to know if it’s worth the shit show it will cause.
Background is that our life is pretty stressful right now, DS16 has been having some serious mental health issues. DH works in the mental health field and takes on more clients than he should because financially we have had it tough for a few years and he’s clawing back. We both work full time and have 3 kids. Our bathroom is being renovated (rental) so we have no shower and only one toilet. Lots going on. Yesterday I took a days sick leave because my mental health is suffering and I had a day of self care.
This morning DS16 had a fracture clinic appointment at 7am. It was near DH’s school so he said he would take him.
I woke up at 6.30 and they were still here, DH said “I thought it was 7.30” and was stressing about not being ready for work, so I took DS to the scan appointment myself, drove back and swapped with DH for the actual consultant appointment.
My DD6 was ready for school in brand new shoes he’d bought her last night from a cheap shop, so I started walking her to school, having decided to take another sick day. On the way her shoes started rubbing and we had to change them (I’d put spare in her bag in case this happened). While doing that DH calls to say the electrician is at the house and needs to get in.
So I am running back home after drop off and he calls and I lose the plot at him, saying I’m super stressed, carrying a pair of shoes, a coffee cup, racing to let an electrician in that I didn’t know was coming, and trying to answer my phone, having got up and left the house in 2 minutes, and none of this is down to my bad planning.
He hangs up and then sends a text saying “I do more around here than you realise”.
My response text is below, which I want to send, but it will just cause drama. As a strong feminist woman I want to blast him for the mental load shit, but I still have to love, live and co-parent with this man. And I do love him a lot. He’s a good man who does way more around the house than anyone of my friends DHs. He’s been a SAHD at points in our lives. He has organised all of DS’s MH appointments but he’s in that field. I don’t know, am I just being a drama queen?
“It’s not about what you do or don’t do, it’s about what you think about.
You don’t plan, you don’t think ahead.
You are all consumed with your job and your stuff, but we have a whole family to think of.
The thinking stuff is all on me, it’s been proven this last two weeks. That’s why I had to take 2 days off because I can’t think of my job while I’m thinking of all the other stuff.
I asked you a week ago to look into car loan options, now our savings are nearly gone.
I asked you in Dec to go to the bank, we went 2 weeks ago.
I asked everyone to help cook this week, I still cooked every night, despite shopping and planning easier meals because following instructions on a screen is too hard.
I put everything in the diary and plan around it all, you dont. And that’s why this morning is a shit show.
I booked in DDs parent teacher this afternoon and DS’s on Monday and I’m already making plans to get there.
I am searching for a babysitter for next Thursday for a show we booked in December because I know DS and all his friends all have plans.
This is all the stuff I carry in my brain. All the time.
So don’t come back with “I do more than you realise” just because we share the housework.”
Boy, that was long! Congrats if you got this far!