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Original poster

Dating someone with suspected autism / adhd

38 replies

summerscoming25 · 13/03/2025 23:35

Hi everyone,

I will try and word/explain this as best as I can as I really don’t want to offend anyone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I started dating a man that I met on OLD two months ago. We clicked straight away and I really do like him and enjoy spending time with him. We always have fun together and he is a lovely person.

I noticed on our first date that he displayed certain traits but never mentioned it in case I was wrong. He later told me that his family suspects he has autism / adhd but he hasn’t been assessed. I’m not sure if he wants/plans to as we haven’t discussed it properly.

Of course this isn’t an issue in itself, as long as he treats me well and makes me happy that’s all I care about. But I’ve noticed that he doesn’t ask me many questions about myself. I’ve taken an interest in his family, job, hobbies etc etc but he doesn’t seem to reciprocate. He talks about himself a lot. The thing is, we talk all the time. In fact, we don’t stop talking or laughing when we’re together so it’s not awkward in the slightest. And he makes the effort to spend time with me, takes me on dates etc so it’s certainly not just about sex. He’s already told me that he’s looking for something long term. But this one thing is really bugging me. Is that selfish of me?

I’ve read online that this is a sign of autism / adhd (apologies if that’s incorrect but I’m still trying to educate myself). I know it’s early days, but long term I think it will fester. He is perfect in every other way though…

OP posts:
Original poster
summerscoming25 · 13/03/2025 23:40

Bug was probably the wrong word to use. It doesn’t annoy me, just makes me feel a bit sad that he doesn’t ask those questions.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 13/03/2025 23:42

So he asks you nothing about you and you're worried YOU'RE the selfish one?

Does he display care for you in other ways?

Also note, npd also a possibility in people who only talk about themselves and never ask about you. But even if it was autism, plenty of autistic people are capable of basic manners and not a being self obsessed blowhards.

Any other person that filled the girlfriend void and was relatively easy company for him...wouldn't that do him fine too? And doesn't that bother you?

I mean...I guess we're all just company to one another but...I dunno, I'd like to think the person I was dating picked me somewhat because of who I am and not just because I was there at the right time and agreeable.

At 2 months in this is already making you sad. Imagine 2 years in or 20...with kids...finding out he still knows or cares sod all about you. Just wants to keep talking about him. Ick.

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2025 23:56

That’s just men on dating apps nowadays. There’s many threads on here about women who have been on dates where the man has just monologued about himself and not asked a single question.

I’ve certainly experienced it where I know their life history and they’ve barely asked my name.

Regardless of if he’s ND or not, unfortunately it’s more a symptom of being male

Original poster
summerscoming25 · 13/03/2025 23:56

@Sodthesystemthank you. I don’t think I’m selfish for wanting him to ask more, but I wasn’t sure if I was being harsh and should give him the benefit of the doubt because of suspected disabilities.

I do think he cares about me yes. He certainly makes an effort (dates, weekends away, took me to see a show the other week etc)

OP posts:
locomum83 · 13/03/2025 23:57

So I'm married to a man who has ASD and also some ADHD traits. He was diagnosed in adulthood after dealing with some stuff that he needed to see a therapist for. We've been together 20 years, and he has never been the sort to ask questions about me, I guess he only really knows about me as I've led the conversations over the years and offered the info. He knows me very well.
What I would say in my case though is if it's not something that interests him, he finds it hard to pay attention to what I'm telling him, I hate this, especially if I'm upset or somethings important to me but not him necessarily. It makes me feel a bit lonely, or unheard or that my stuff is less important somehow. He isn't great with empathy, but is kind in quiet ways

shellyleppard · 13/03/2025 23:59

Op it won't get any better. You will end up feeling annoyed at his lack of interest. Been there got the t shirt

researchers3 · 14/03/2025 00:05

Not asking about other people is a typical man thing, not an autistic thing. - That's my experience at least!

glitterturd · 14/03/2025 00:09

My h was a bit like that what I met him. I had to literally encourage him to do what many of us perceive as normal things eg after asking him how his day was then I would say to him this is where you ask me. His reasoning was that I would tell him if there was something to tell. His behaviour was an accumulation of probably the same possibility as you mentioned plus a difficult family upbringing and a failed marriage. Eg one of the things I had to encourage him to do was to send birthday cards to me and other people. He himself didn't really used to care if he got any. It wasn't that he didn't care about people , he just didn't know how to show caring in the standard way. After several years together he is like a different man in this respect and is amazing in his support now for my children. To people who have never experienced this, this probably sounds crazy but for many others I am sure it will ring bells. I have found that explanation to him of why things may be important to me has helped. I also have learned how a neurodiverse person sees the world. He is the best and most loving husband.

Sodthesystem · 14/03/2025 00:15

summerscoming25 · 13/03/2025 23:56

@Sodthesystemthank you. I don’t think I’m selfish for wanting him to ask more, but I wasn’t sure if I was being harsh and should give him the benefit of the doubt because of suspected disabilities.

I do think he cares about me yes. He certainly makes an effort (dates, weekends away, took me to see a show the other week etc)

Never give anyone benefit of the doubt in dating. If they make you sad/uncomfortable/unsure of where you stand/anxious/annoyed or hurt. Never.give.them.the.benefit.of.the.doubt.

It doesn't matter WHY he behaves in a way that makes you unhappy. Only that he does. If a psychopath kills someone, do we excuse them because their nature contributed to that action?

You're two months in and already he only talks about himself and never asks about you. Run for the hills babe.

Yoheresthestory · 14/03/2025 00:19

It doesn’t matter why he behaves a certain way if it’s not what you want in a man.

MakkaPakkasCave · 14/03/2025 00:31

Hmm. I’ve read too many threads on here started by women married to men on the spectrum that it would put me off starting a new relationship with someone like this. I have traits myself as does OH. There’s an element of heritability and I’m worried my eldest may be so if you want children, maybe think twice.

plsd · 14/03/2025 00:59

I recently ended a relationship - the first few months sounded identical to what you have described.

I told myself that it's because he's ND / it's not his fault / he does care he just doesn't show it in x y z way / its not deliberate and he's a good guy really......

We lasted 3 years but I couldn't take anymore. It only got worse over time. Remember this is him Making the highest level of effort he ever will and him trying to make his best impression.

Our relationship ended up quite toxic as I had so much resentment towards us.
In the end we were both heartbroken but it just wasn't healthy

BestZebbie · 14/03/2025 01:12

What the other posters have said, really - but if it is the case that you are telling him something about your experience and he replies with a related story about his own experience, that is a standard ND way of demonstrating attention/active listening, not narcissism. It is intended to bond you over your shared experience/similarities rather than be one-upmanship/self-absorption etc.

Goodnurseorgremlin · 14/03/2025 04:53

It's not a ASD thing. It's a man thing.

The vast majority ime have limited to zero interest in the women they date as a person. As long as they think you look nice and are agreeable then you'll do.

This won't improve op. Dump him.

Joystir59 · 14/03/2025 05:00

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2025 23:56

That’s just men on dating apps nowadays. There’s many threads on here about women who have been on dates where the man has just monologued about himself and not asked a single question.

I’ve certainly experienced it where I know their life history and they’ve barely asked my name.

Regardless of if he’s ND or not, unfortunately it’s more a symptom of being male

Edited

Loads of NT men don't ask women anything about themselves. The question is, OP, why are you bothering with someone who makes you feel sad because they aren't curious about what makes you tick? Let him go now, before you get more deeply hurt by his self centredness.

Kellyjelly33 · 14/03/2025 05:03

Tell him! He's not a mind reader. If he makes an effort to start asking you questions you know it's not deliberate. If he reacts badly then you know what to do.

Meadowfinch · 14/03/2025 05:05

Have you thought that maybe he is too good mannered to pry into your personal details.

I'd give it a little longer, share a little more of yourself and see if that makes him a bit more confident.

hattie43 · 14/03/2025 05:05

If you've got doubts now so soon he's not the one for you .

Starlight7080 · 14/03/2025 05:30

That's just alot of men in general. They don't think or care about basic stuff like that.
How is this not a common known thing
It doesn't mean he is autistic

Thissucks125 · 14/03/2025 05:30

I went out with someone diagnosed 3 years in with bipolar. He was never ever interested in me. He literally confessed that when I talk about my day/friends or a general experience it's "waffle"
I wasn't at all stimulated by him in the end. All our chats were about him. He had this way of constantly being stuck in a problem cycle. He'd constantly be at me for money or help. He never knew much about me at all.

If it makes you feel disheartened now. In 4 or 5 years when the honeymoon stage is over it could be awful.

littlemisspickles · 14/03/2025 06:16

My daughter has suspected ASD and she finds navigating relationships difficult, where things that are obvious to others (asking questions, asking about their day, would they like a lift if they are going to the same place) just do not occur to her. She isn't self absorbed, she is aware it is something she needs to work on, but it makes me sad to think that people would write her off for something that is part of her condition.
I suspect my husband, and both his parents are the same. Luckily I am very chatty, so over the years we have got to know each other very well!
I wouldn't write it off yet OP.

daisychain01 · 14/03/2025 06:24

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2025 23:56

That’s just men on dating apps nowadays. There’s many threads on here about women who have been on dates where the man has just monologued about himself and not asked a single question.

I’ve certainly experienced it where I know their life history and they’ve barely asked my name.

Regardless of if he’s ND or not, unfortunately it’s more a symptom of being male

Edited

No it isn't "just men"

As this is a primarily female forum, there's a strong chance of the data around OLD being skewed towards how men behave.

lets be clear, there are loads of women who only talk about themselves, self-obsessed etc - so it isn't just a male trait.

Loubylie · 14/03/2025 07:25

He won't change. In fact he'll get worse. This is him on his best behaviour.

Desperateforsleepplease · 14/03/2025 07:58

Sodthesystem · 14/03/2025 00:15

Never give anyone benefit of the doubt in dating. If they make you sad/uncomfortable/unsure of where you stand/anxious/annoyed or hurt. Never.give.them.the.benefit.of.the.doubt.

It doesn't matter WHY he behaves in a way that makes you unhappy. Only that he does. If a psychopath kills someone, do we excuse them because their nature contributed to that action?

You're two months in and already he only talks about himself and never asks about you. Run for the hills babe.

Show quote history

This this this. At the start it's suppose to be exciting, easy, light, carefree, really looking forward to seeing each other, chatting, counting down days until next meet up. Before life, work, money stress, illness, grief, kids etc or whatever comes along and tests you.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 14/03/2025 08:04

Not an ASD/ADHD thing, not even an ASD/ADHD man thing. It's a selfish man thing. There are plenty of them.

He has shown you early, he doesn't care about you. Move on.

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