Dating someone with suspected autism / adhd

[summerscoming25]

Hi everyone,

I will try and word/explain this as best as I can as I really don’t want to offend anyone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I started dating a man that I met on OLD two months ago. We clicked straight away and I really do like him and enjoy spending time with him. We always have fun together and he is a lovely person.

I noticed on our first date that he displayed certain traits but never mentioned it in case I was wrong. He later told me that his family suspects he has autism / adhd but he hasn’t been assessed. I’m not sure if he wants/plans to as we haven’t discussed it properly.

Of course this isn’t an issue in itself, as long as he treats me well and makes me happy that’s all I care about. But I’ve noticed that he doesn’t ask me many questions about myself. I’ve taken an interest in his family, job, hobbies etc etc but he doesn’t seem to reciprocate. He talks about himself a lot. The thing is, we talk all the time. In fact, we don’t stop talking or laughing when we’re together so it’s not awkward in the slightest. And he makes the effort to spend time with me, takes me on dates etc so it’s certainly not just about sex. He’s already told me that he’s looking for something long term. But this one thing is really bugging me. Is that selfish of me?

I’ve read online that this is a sign of autism / adhd (apologies if that’s incorrect but I’m still trying to educate myself). I know it’s early days, but long term I think it will fester. He is perfect in every other way though…

Exactly. Selfish women exist too and equally when showing this trait early they should be dumped.

This.
Listening to some bloke ramble on about himself sounds boring as fuck. Who can be arsed with this level of selfishness. Bin.

I think this is just a him thing, most autistic people I know have the opposite problem, they ask very personal questions not realising it’s making someone uncomfortable. I have ADHD and I’m fascinated with people, so ask lots of questions and rarely talk about myself.

My other half has ADHD and has some additional traits that might point towards an additional behavioural disorder or ASD. He's a bit like this, but he's become quite self-aware and we laugh about it - both of us! In fact we constantly take the piss out of each other for different reasons, in a good-humoured way. None of us are perfect.

I think it depends how easily you can talk to him. You sound like you have a good relationship. If you can gently point it out to him and he gets it and tries to make the effort and you can continue to talk about it as you build your relationship, then great. If he's the sort of person who gets angry and defensive and refuses to talk about it, he's so self-centred that you only ever do what he wants and it really is driving you crazy well that's another matter entirely.

I've been in relationships with two autistic men and honestly, I would advise against it. They have difficulty seeing/understanding things from anyone else's perspective, so they are very focused on themselves and their own needs. Trying to talk about emotional needs or problems was almost impossible with my partners. The first guy admitted that he was masking/acting a lot of the time in order to seem he was neurotypical. Unfortunately they can't do this forever and that's when things got bad for me. My self esteem ended up in the gutter.

With the second one he literally asked me for a set of instructions when I told him I felt like I was only there for his convenience. I said I would like it if he at least asked how my day went, so that's all I got. Every time we met, "So how did your day go?" and that was it. Back to talking about him. The anxiety, over-thinking, lack of common sense, disorganisation, rudeness and limitations around food etc from both partners became too much for me. I compromised and sacrificed so much, my needs were unmet so often to keep them happy. It really wasn't worth it.

Despite both having autism and sharing a number of traits, they were otherwise very different, so I'm not trying to tar everyone with the same brush, but this is my experience. There is a Facebook group for partners of people with autism, which was very useful for me when I felt like I was losing myself.

This thread is horrible. Would as many people comment that you should 'get rid' if he had a physical disability?

I disagree that on a date is likely to be 'best behaviour' and it will deteriorate from here; people with autism and ADHD don't usually behave like that - because how we are is how we are, it's very difficult to 'hide'! And new situations are often the most difficult, so it can be harder than once we've got to know someone. I monologue far more when I'm nervous.

Im autistic, I don't tend to ask personal questions because Im unsure when/what is appropriate to ask. Personal questions make me uncomfortable because unless I'm really switched on, I'll likely give an honest answer then panic I've overshared. So I find it hard to know where to draw the line with others, and wait for them to tell me.

However, I (like many autistic people) am quite happy to take feedback from others, as long as it's done kindly - it's easier than me trying to constantly second guess. So I would say the key is telling him that you enjoy his company and find it a bit one sided and would prefer X. If he's a nice person he'll take that on board. If he doesn't, it's less about autism/ADHD and more that he's a bit selfish, as others have said!

ND/ NT relationships are notoriously difficult and the lack of emotional reciprocity can become a huge issue. The lack of curiosity about who you are gives girlfriend void vibes like a pp said.

@Hibernatingtilspring I have to agree with you. I suspect there are comments on here by people who have no real experience of this and are just the usual man haters.

I don’t know why it is acceptable for people (men) to treat women as some kind of foreign country where the customs—kind enquiries, curiosity, turn taking, empathy and generosity are all too puzzling and strange for the poor man to navigate. He “needs to be told?” And it “might make him nervous” but its rude and ableist to advise the OP to cut and run? Why: is OP some kind of public good or asset that must agree to be freely available to all and sundry?

@pikkumyy77 because the things that are being criticised are literally because of his disability.

The irony on this thread of NT claiming ND lack empathy. Look at yourselves, because you're showing none.

My autistic DP is the same. Not an asker. But he listens and gives great advice when I open up. He talks me up to others, so he does take stuff in after all.

I like to be asked, he just expects people to say stuff if they want to. His mum communicated in monologues and so does his brother, he’s not so bad in comparison! Look out for how his family communicates.

Sometime I tease him by pretending to snore. He finds it funny and concedes. or I’ll sarcastically start with “Oh thanks for asking, my day was…” He enjoys a bit of teasing though.

We just constantly have a laugh together, even through bad life events. Been together many happy years. Our spiky profiles slot together well.

See how you go with bringing it up. None of us are perfect, it’s all about how he responds and how you feel about his response.

I am seeing someone I think may have some traits of ASD (my DS does, so I recognise these). But I like not having to talk about myself or be expected to discuss things about my past which I really don’t want to. I am enjoying the company of someone who takes me out of my own head and life. I just tell him things if I want to chat about them, but otherwise I am fine with no questions about me.

What happens when you talk about yourself. Does he listen or does he try to change the topic?

It's one thing not to ask questions, but I could not be doing with a man who does not want to know anything about me or won't let me talk about myself at all.