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Original poster

Struggling with relationship with MIL

50 replies

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 14:33

Hi all,

I've had a long 7 years battle trying to figure out my relationship with my MIL. We didn't start on good terms. MIL did not like me coming along. I believe it's due to the fact that she hasn't built the most satisfying life for herself, and so has a lot of insecurities, and relied a lot on her son to fill the gaps. It's only since me and DH moved out, got married and are now having a baby that she's trying to make an effort with me. But to the point I feel it's a a bit intrusive at times, and naturally we just dont get on as people, although I try to respect her as my DHs mum. Her happiness lately has depended on what me and DH do. Which in some ways is lovely, but it feels like me and DH cant have much without her involvement. It doesn't help that DH remains silent and passive about the relationship struggle, as if ignoring the situation helps.
I try to keep her at an arms length distance, but her texts are getting more frequent and her involvement a lot more and it builds anxiety. She texts me when she doesn't hear from DH, which sends me into rage. I have talked to my DH how it affects me, but all he says is just ignore her texts. But my mind goes into obsession over the fact that the woman just drives me crazy, I don't think DH's passiveness helps with me and MILs relationship. I am even considering going to therapy, because I just don't know how to handle my feelings and how to build a relationship that suits us all. Any advice?

OP posts:
Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:34

How frequent are these texts?

and She texts me when she doesn't hear from DH, which sends me into rage.. That is quite a reaction OP

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:35

Is she local?

it sounds like marriage therapy might be a good start because a happy home that is not by the sounds of it

festivemouse · 13/03/2025 14:39

I think it really depends on the frequency and nature of contact - but also your DH sounds really wet about the whole situation, why isn't he getting involved?

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:42

Have you given birth yet?

BansheeOfTheSouth · 13/03/2025 14:44

Block her. She's his mother, not yours. Let him deal or not deal with her. Not your monkey, not your circus.

Original poster
AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 14:48

festivemouse · 13/03/2025 14:39

I think it really depends on the frequency and nature of contact - but also your DH sounds really wet about the whole situation, why isn't he getting involved?

Because he says he has brought it up in the past, that the frequency of her cantact is too much, and her involvement can feel too much and she never listens. So he just ignores her texts now.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/03/2025 14:54

How much is she actually contacting him and then you? Its very hard from your post to gauge how much of this is reasonable because we don't really know what she's actually doing other than messaging her son, and then eventually getting in touch with you when she's not hearing something from him. Which tbh I wouldn't say is entirely unreasonable, but for you to go into 'a rage' when you receive a text from her, I'm assuming there's much more to it that you haven't shared?

SharpLily · 13/03/2025 14:54

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 14:48

Because he says he has brought it up in the past, that the frequency of her cantact is too much, and her involvement can feel too much and she never listens. So he just ignores her texts now.

Show quote history

Then you can feel guilt free about doing exactly the same.

I do believe that in the long term a relationship with a man who can't place boundaries around an overstepping mother is only going to end in tears, but if he's happy to ignore her and isn't choosing her side over yours then you can just follow his lead.

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 14:56

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BarMonaco · 13/03/2025 14:57

She texts me when she doesn't hear from DH, which sends me into rage. I have talked to my DH how it affects me, but all he says is just ignore her texts
I agree. Ignore them.

Original poster
AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:00

Lavender14 · 13/03/2025 14:54

How much is she actually contacting him and then you? Its very hard from your post to gauge how much of this is reasonable because we don't really know what she's actually doing other than messaging her son, and then eventually getting in touch with you when she's not hearing something from him. Which tbh I wouldn't say is entirely unreasonable, but for you to go into 'a rage' when you receive a text from her, I'm assuming there's much more to it that you haven't shared?

Maybe rage is a little strong.. frustration is probably the best way to describe it. She reaches out daily to DH. I hear from her around 3 times p/w if she hasn't heard from him in a few hours.

OP posts:
Classical100 · 13/03/2025 15:02

A text three times a week really isn't intrusive.

Is there a way of turning this around so that you feel more in control. It is your reaction that is causing your own stress. Can you make contact with her instead in your own time scale and when you want to communicate.

madaffodil · 13/03/2025 15:04

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:00

Maybe rage is a little strong.. frustration is probably the best way to describe it. She reaches out daily to DH. I hear from her around 3 times p/w if she hasn't heard from him in a few hours.

Show quote history

You are in a rage with the wrong person.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 13/03/2025 15:04

Just block her.

Introducingme · 13/03/2025 15:04

Put your phone on mute.
How far away does she live from you.

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 15:05

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EuclidianGeometryFan · 13/03/2025 15:08

Block her.
Follow DH lead - he only answers her when he wants to.
Let him manage the relationship with her.
You don't need to be involved.

Lavender14 · 13/03/2025 15:08

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:00

Maybe rage is a little strong.. frustration is probably the best way to describe it. She reaches out daily to DH. I hear from her around 3 times p/w if she hasn't heard from him in a few hours.

Show quote history

I personally wouldn't think this was excessive nor intrusive and my family are not texters at all. Unless the content of the messages is intrusive?

I would nearly be suggesting to your dh that he needs to give her something to help her back off. Maybe he calls her once a week on a set night or calls round to visit for an hour once a week or fortnight. How often does he actually see her or make any effort with her?

pikkumyy77 · 13/03/2025 15:10

You really need to meditate on why you allow your MIL to keep you—as you see it—on a text leash. Only you can answer this but I wonder what underlies your guilt/shame/fear about how much you don’t want to be the bridge between them? I mean everyone has pointed out that you are less obligated than your dh to respond to her demands for information snd contact snd he considers himself completely unobliged to do so. Your anger and upset seem to me to be a kind of fight/flight response to a threatening incursion. Your dh responds to her engulfing behavior by avoiding (flight/retreat/freeze) but you don’t give yourself permission to do that and instead, almost involuntarily, you go into rage/fight mode.

In your heart of hearts why do you think this is?

Original poster
AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:15

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Thanks for your input, it's been ever so helpful.

OP posts:
Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 15:15

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Original poster
AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:28

pikkumyy77 · 13/03/2025 15:10

You really need to meditate on why you allow your MIL to keep you—as you see it—on a text leash. Only you can answer this but I wonder what underlies your guilt/shame/fear about how much you don’t want to be the bridge between them? I mean everyone has pointed out that you are less obligated than your dh to respond to her demands for information snd contact snd he considers himself completely unobliged to do so. Your anger and upset seem to me to be a kind of fight/flight response to a threatening incursion. Your dh responds to her engulfing behavior by avoiding (flight/retreat/freeze) but you don’t give yourself permission to do that and instead, almost involuntarily, you go into rage/fight mode.

In your heart of hearts why do you think this is?

I'm at a crossroads. I was brought up to be inclusive and to involve people and embrace everyone with open arms. But my in-laws aren't so easy to get on with, and haven't treated me too well in the past leading to resentment. But I want my DH to have a relationship with his mum, he wants it too, he's just not willing to talk to her about what he needs/doesn't need from the relationship. He's not the best communicator and so MIL comes to me to bridge the gap. I feel responsible. I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts, I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship. So I feel an obligation to respond. I'm not the biggest texter either, I'm quite an insular and introverted person, so get a bit overwhelmed with texting.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/03/2025 15:36

Your DH and MIL had a relationship long before you came along.
It is their job to manage it now, not yours.
If your DH deals with her by ignoring her, that’s his business, but it’s very strange when you say he loves his mum and wants her in his life. He needs to grow up
and deal with his mum as an adult, and with some consistency.
You’ve had a few threads about MIL overstepping the mark and you either speak to her frankly, or you live with this anxiety for the rest of your life. I’m not sure how old MIL she can’t be that old.
It is not your job to be a go-between or a stand-in daughter.
If you are straight with her, and say you are happy to
speak more in person/not via text, but not to report on where your DH is, and she flames you for it. Let her.
She clearly is low in boundaries (I read the Facebook thread) so I wouldn’t tell her much at all.
Stop letting her walk over you and stand up to her.

Classical100 · 13/03/2025 15:36

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:28

I'm at a crossroads. I was brought up to be inclusive and to involve people and embrace everyone with open arms. But my in-laws aren't so easy to get on with, and haven't treated me too well in the past leading to resentment. But I want my DH to have a relationship with his mum, he wants it too, he's just not willing to talk to her about what he needs/doesn't need from the relationship. He's not the best communicator and so MIL comes to me to bridge the gap. I feel responsible. I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts, I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship. So I feel an obligation to respond. I'm not the biggest texter either, I'm quite an insular and introverted person, so get a bit overwhelmed with texting.

Show quote history

So, think of your next steps, how do you want this to be? If you take some decisions you will be more in control and less stressed because the arrangements suit you.

Would you be more comfortable with you and DH meeting with his parents more often ifbtexting isn't what you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2025 15:37

I remember you from previous writings. You have written about his meddlesome and toxic mother at some length before now on numerous threads. If I recall correctly your H's sister no longer talks to her mother. That suggests an awful lot too.

My counsel remains the same; stay away from her and let your H handle (or not) the relationship he has with his mother. He has been conditioned from an early age not to "upset" her because he's been led to believe the sky will fall down on him if he does. He needs therapy like yesterday re her frankly. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you.

Drop the rope completely here. You simply cannot be all inclusive and embrace everyone anyway, particularly someone like his mother who will see that as an open invite to walk all over you. She sees your kindness as weakness to be exploited.

Read the website called Out of the FOG about fear, obligation. and guilt. Your sense of obligation here re them is totally misplaced; it is not down to you to try and facilitate a relationship between them. You're just piggy in the middle. Your H now finally finds her intrusive and the best course of action for you would be to follow his lead and ignore her incessant text messages. Block all her ways of she being able to contact you; she sees you as the weaker link here hence she messaging you to get to him.