Page 2 | Struggling with relationship with MIL

AmberPoet · 2025-03-13T14:33:05+00:00

Hi all, I've had a long 7 years battle trying to figure out my relationship with my MIL. We didn't start on good terms. MIL did not like me coming along. I believe it's due to the fact that she hasn't built the most satisfying life for herself, and so has a lot of insecurities, and relied a lot on her son to fill the gaps. It's only since me and DH moved out, got married and are now having a baby that she's trying to make an effort with me. But to the point I feel it's a a bit intrusive at times, and naturally we just dont get on as people, although I try to respect her as my DHs mum. Her happiness lately has depended on what me and DH do. Which in some ways is lovely, but it feels like me and DH cant have much without her involvement. It doesn't help that DH remains silent and passive about the relationship struggle, as if ignoring the situation helps. I try to keep her at an arms length distance, but her texts are getting more frequent and her involvement a lot more and it builds anxiety. She texts me when she doesn't hear from DH, which sends me into rage. I have talked to my DH how it affects me, but all he says is just ignore her texts. But my mind goes into obsession over the fact that the woman just drives me crazy, I don't think DH's passiveness helps with me and MILs relationship. I am even considering going to therapy, because I just don't know how to handle my feelings and how to build a relationship that suits us all. Any advice?

sprigatito · 13/03/2025 15:40

I would text back "I can't make DH communicate with you, that's his own responsibility" and then not reply again. Don't have any contact with her that you don't want. She's your husband's mother, so firmly redirect her to him. Any hurt feelings are his problem to deal with (the lazy sod).

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 13/03/2025 15:43

If your DH is happy to ignore his mother then you do exactly the same. It really is as simple as that. Either block her or refer her back to her son.

There is absolutely no need for any of this drama to land on your plate. You will cause a lot of problems for yourself by trying to facilitate this

HappyMummaOfOne · 13/03/2025 15:45

Have you considered that DH and MIL have had YEARS to create a bond and relationship and if it hasn’t happened by now it’s unlikely to ever happen. Why do you feel it is your responsibility to be involved and create something that should have been made in childhood?
If your DH ignores his mother’s messages then that’s up to him, you don’t need to involve yourself. I would simply respond to MIL one time to say “I’ve spoken to DH to remind him he hasn’t responded to you but moving forward I’d prefer not to get involved as I’m not DH’s PA”

I have been with my DH for 9 years and I dislike my MIL (for reasons I won’t bore you with) but the BEST thing I ever did was to mute my MIL’s WhatsApp messages and to distance myself from her with visits. I now see her maybe 2/3times a year, I don’t volunteer information (which she then wants to comment/judge) and if she ever says oh you haven’t responded to my messages I respond (with an innocent/surprised look on my face) “oh gosh, I’m so busy I hardly have time to check my messages” ….which she knows is a lie but I dare her to try and call it out 😂.
Once you realise that you are not responsible for DH’s relationship with his mother it will make your life easier. If she had maybe been a better mother she would have a better relationship with your DH.

Original poster

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:48

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2025 15:37

I remember you from previous writings. You have written about his meddlesome and toxic mother at some length before now on numerous threads. If I recall correctly your H's sister no longer talks to her mother. That suggests an awful lot too.

My counsel remains the same; stay away from her and let your H handle (or not) the relationship he has with his mother. He has been conditioned from an early age not to "upset" her because he's been led to believe the sky will fall down on him if he does. He needs therapy like yesterday re her frankly. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you.

Drop the rope completely here. You simply cannot be all inclusive and embrace everyone anyway, particularly someone like his mother who will see that as an open invite to walk all over you. She sees your kindness as weakness to be exploited.

Read the website called Out of the FOG about fear, obligation. and guilt. Your sense of obligation here re them is totally misplaced; it is not down to you to try and facilitate a relationship between them. You're just piggy in the middle. Your H now finally finds her intrusive and the best course of action for you would be to follow his lead and ignore her incessant text messages. Block all her ways of she being able to contact you; she sees you as the weaker link here hence she messaging you to get to him.

Thank you, I remember your posts. It's like I get strong on the thought that it's not my responsibility and need to stick to my guns and keep her at an arms length distance and not give in. Then I slip into, oh but she is his mum, and I see why she wants to be involved, and its my responsibility blah blah. But then I end up going over it in my head being pulled side to side like a devil and angel on my shoulders, and that's how I end up on mumsnet 😂

OP posts:

harriethoyle · 13/03/2025 16:07

What do her texts say when she’s messaging you instead of DH @AmberPoet ? It’s easier to suggest a grey rock cut and paste reply if you can give broad details…

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2025 16:07

" Then I slip into, oh but she is his mum, and I see why she wants to be involved, and its my responsibility blah blah"

Where does that come from?. Silence that inner critic. Again it's not your responsibility here and infact never has been. You cannot play by the normal rules of family engagement here because she will not.

Topseyt123 · 13/03/2025 16:15

I can't see why you don't just block her. Problem solved. Leave DH to deal with her.

If MIL's own daughter is no longer in regular contact with her then surely that should be telling you something about how they relate to her and deal with her.

I think you might have taken the "inclusivity" element from your upbringing a bit too literally.

BinWim · 13/03/2025 16:21

Next time she texts you respond politely telling her to contact DH, not you, as he is her child.

Then either block or mute her.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/03/2025 20:23

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:28

I'm at a crossroads. I was brought up to be inclusive and to involve people and embrace everyone with open arms. But my in-laws aren't so easy to get on with, and haven't treated me too well in the past leading to resentment. But I want my DH to have a relationship with his mum, he wants it too, he's just not willing to talk to her about what he needs/doesn't need from the relationship. He's not the best communicator and so MIL comes to me to bridge the gap. I feel responsible. I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts, I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship. So I feel an obligation to respond. I'm not the biggest texter either, I'm quite an insular and introverted person, so get a bit overwhelmed with texting.

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You are not responsible for facilitating your DH's relationshipm with his mum. Your MIL made you feel unwelcome in the family at the beginning so don't feel guilty about pulling back and leaving it to your DH to manage the relationship with her. You have no obligation to respond, particularly if your DH doesn't. She's his mum, not yours. I doubt that your DH would be particularly happy if your mum was texting him three times a week.

You wouldn't be the one getting in the way of them having a relationship. Your DH is doing that by ignoring his mum's messages. Do not feel guilty.

Bristollocalknowledge · 13/03/2025 20:27

You need a broken record reply. Every reply with “He must be busy.”

thepariscrimefiles · 13/03/2025 20:38

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:48

Thank you, I remember your posts. It's like I get strong on the thought that it's not my responsibility and need to stick to my guns and keep her at an arms length distance and not give in. Then I slip into, oh but she is his mum, and I see why she wants to be involved, and its my responsibility blah blah. But then I end up going over it in my head being pulled side to side like a devil and angel on my shoulders, and that's how I end up on mumsnet 😂

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I've just looked at some of your other threads and your MIL is probably going to be an interfering nightmare when the baby arrives. It appears that she has already over-stepped quite a few boundaries during your pregnancy.

You need to do what's best for you and the baby. It sounds like she has driven a lot of people away due to her behaviour, but it isn't your responsibility to compensate for her lack of friends and family. She was unkind to you when you met your DH and tried to split you up so don't feel any sense of obligation now.

Leave it up to your DH to maintain his relationship with his mother and refuse to get involved.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 13/03/2025 21:21

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:48

Thank you, I remember your posts. It's like I get strong on the thought that it's not my responsibility and need to stick to my guns and keep her at an arms length distance and not give in. Then I slip into, oh but she is his mum, and I see why she wants to be involved, and its my responsibility blah blah. But then I end up going over it in my head being pulled side to side like a devil and angel on my shoulders, and that's how I end up on mumsnet 😂

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There is this Reddit post ‘Don’t rock the boat’. I strongly recommend you to read it.

nodramaplz · 13/03/2025 21:51

She made her bed!
Let her lie in it.
Don't reply, take days to reply. She will soon get the picture

pikkumyy77 · 14/03/2025 01:25

She is his mum SO THE ENTIRE WEIGHT OF THE RELATIONSHIP FALLS ON HER to maintain. Not on you.

Her life, her choices, her consequences.

BarMonaco · 14/03/2025 02:25

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 13/03/2025 21:21

There is this Reddit post ‘Don’t rock the boat’. I strongly recommend you to read it.

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Just read it. It's excellent

Original poster

AmberPoet · 14/03/2025 09:40

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 13/03/2025 21:21

There is this Reddit post ‘Don’t rock the boat’. I strongly recommend you to read it.

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This is a good read.. a much needed one for today, thank you 😂

OP posts:

Blueskies3 · 14/03/2025 09:51

OP, I am in exactly the same boat! I could have written your post myself. I try to ignore, not respond, redirect, but then she messages me again about the kids and I feel bad for feeling like the gatekeeper to DH and the kids. It’s a horrible situation. And I get the ragey feeling. I feel like my boundary has been crossed and it’s misogynistic because the beloved son isn’t getting harassed

Original poster

AmberPoet · 14/03/2025 11:09

Blueskies3 · 14/03/2025 09:51

OP, I am in exactly the same boat! I could have written your post myself. I try to ignore, not respond, redirect, but then she messages me again about the kids and I feel bad for feeling like the gatekeeper to DH and the kids. It’s a horrible situation. And I get the ragey feeling. I feel like my boundary has been crossed and it’s misogynistic because the beloved son isn’t getting harassed

Omw it's frustrating isn't it. It is misogynistic, putting (yet another) responsibility onto the DIL. My parents do not contact my DH. If they do it's usually about shared interests, not to see where I am or why I'm not responding. No doubt it's going to get worse when the baby comes along. I might have to have a word with them both about their communication.. I am no longer going to bridge the gap, as I have enough on my plate atm.

OP posts:

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/03/2025 11:17

AmberPoet · 13/03/2025 15:28

I'm at a crossroads. I was brought up to be inclusive and to involve people and embrace everyone with open arms. But my in-laws aren't so easy to get on with, and haven't treated me too well in the past leading to resentment. But I want my DH to have a relationship with his mum, he wants it too, he's just not willing to talk to her about what he needs/doesn't need from the relationship. He's not the best communicator and so MIL comes to me to bridge the gap. I feel responsible. I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts, I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship. So I feel an obligation to respond. I'm not the biggest texter either, I'm quite an insular and introverted person, so get a bit overwhelmed with texting.

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I feel responsible.

Why? Seriously - you need to find an answer to this question.
Why do you feel responsible for the relationship between two adults? Look at your own parents and your upbringing - who made you feel like you had to be responsible for other people's relationships?
I think you need to go to counselling to explore this in depth.

I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts

You won't be 'the one' as DH is also ignoring her texts. So that is two of you doing the ignoring. It is your duty as his wife to follow his lead in this.

If you mean that you will feel bad about yourself for ignoring someone's texts, then have a good think about why this is. Why won't you give yourself permission to ignore someone?
Can you just let yourself feel bad and put up with that discomfort?
Would it damage your self-image too much to do a "bad" thing like ignoring someone? Why do you have to be 'the good person'?

I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship

It is very odd that you see opting out of the situation by ignoring her as "getting in the way". Quite the opposite, ignoring her would be getting out of the way, leaving the two of them to have their relationship on their own terms.
You feel that ignoring her is a deliberate act of you damaging their relationship. This is very twisted thinking.
Your starting point seems to be that you are meant to make everyone else happy, to help everyone else, and if you refuse then that makes you the one at fault. This is not a healthy way to think and feel.

So I feel an obligation to respond.
This is what you need to change. If you insist on carrying on "being the good person" who doesn't ignore her, it will just lead to irreparable damage to you, your baby, and your marriage.

As I said before, your duty is to follow your husband's lead in this. If he is happy to ignore her, so should you.
It is NOT a healthy thing for you to decide to do things your way, because seeing yourself as a "bad" person makes you feel bad.

Original poster

AmberPoet · 14/03/2025 12:07

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/03/2025 11:17

I feel responsible.

Why? Seriously - you need to find an answer to this question.
Why do you feel responsible for the relationship between two adults? Look at your own parents and your upbringing - who made you feel like you had to be responsible for other people's relationships?
I think you need to go to counselling to explore this in depth.

I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts

You won't be 'the one' as DH is also ignoring her texts. So that is two of you doing the ignoring. It is your duty as his wife to follow his lead in this.

If you mean that you will feel bad about yourself for ignoring someone's texts, then have a good think about why this is. Why won't you give yourself permission to ignore someone?
Can you just let yourself feel bad and put up with that discomfort?
Would it damage your self-image too much to do a "bad" thing like ignoring someone? Why do you have to be 'the good person'?

I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship

It is very odd that you see opting out of the situation by ignoring her as "getting in the way". Quite the opposite, ignoring her would be getting out of the way, leaving the two of them to have their relationship on their own terms.
You feel that ignoring her is a deliberate act of you damaging their relationship. This is very twisted thinking.
Your starting point seems to be that you are meant to make everyone else happy, to help everyone else, and if you refuse then that makes you the one at fault. This is not a healthy way to think and feel.

So I feel an obligation to respond.
This is what you need to change. If you insist on carrying on "being the good person" who doesn't ignore her, it will just lead to irreparable damage to you, your baby, and your marriage.

As I said before, your duty is to follow your husband's lead in this. If he is happy to ignore her, so should you.
It is NOT a healthy thing for you to decide to do things your way, because seeing yourself as a "bad" person makes you feel bad.

Show quote history

Wow this is an eye opening analysis, and the reason I come to mumsnet for advice. Thank you. This just highlights how much I probably need counselling. I've had a very good upbringing, but I would say my mum has always been a people pleaser, and doesn't ever want to be the one looking bad. I have probably taken this on board. I feel its important to show my daughter that you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep people warm.
You can be kind, but don't let people make you feel bad for doing what is right for you, your mental and physical health. I know this, but putting it into practice makes me so uncomfortable, and so I revert to my old people pleasing ways. Thank you for taking time to disect my comments, it's been really helpful to ask myself why

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 14/03/2025 12:08

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/03/2025 11:17

I feel responsible.

Why? Seriously - you need to find an answer to this question.
Why do you feel responsible for the relationship between two adults? Look at your own parents and your upbringing - who made you feel like you had to be responsible for other people's relationships?
I think you need to go to counselling to explore this in depth.

I don't want to be the one to ignore her texts

You won't be 'the one' as DH is also ignoring her texts. So that is two of you doing the ignoring. It is your duty as his wife to follow his lead in this.

If you mean that you will feel bad about yourself for ignoring someone's texts, then have a good think about why this is. Why won't you give yourself permission to ignore someone?
Can you just let yourself feel bad and put up with that discomfort?
Would it damage your self-image too much to do a "bad" thing like ignoring someone? Why do you have to be 'the good person'?

I don't want to be the one who is getting in the way of them having a relationship

It is very odd that you see opting out of the situation by ignoring her as "getting in the way". Quite the opposite, ignoring her would be getting out of the way, leaving the two of them to have their relationship on their own terms.
You feel that ignoring her is a deliberate act of you damaging their relationship. This is very twisted thinking.
Your starting point seems to be that you are meant to make everyone else happy, to help everyone else, and if you refuse then that makes you the one at fault. This is not a healthy way to think and feel.

So I feel an obligation to respond.
This is what you need to change. If you insist on carrying on "being the good person" who doesn't ignore her, it will just lead to irreparable damage to you, your baby, and your marriage.

As I said before, your duty is to follow your husband's lead in this. If he is happy to ignore her, so should you.
It is NOT a healthy thing for you to decide to do things your way, because seeing yourself as a "bad" person makes you feel bad.

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So, so good! Great post!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/03/2025 15:26

I'm glad you found my post helpful. Wishing you strength and clarity, and all the best of luck with the baby.

SharpLily · 16/03/2025 11:07

AmberPoet · 14/03/2025 12:07

Wow this is an eye opening analysis, and the reason I come to mumsnet for advice. Thank you. This just highlights how much I probably need counselling. I've had a very good upbringing, but I would say my mum has always been a people pleaser, and doesn't ever want to be the one looking bad. I have probably taken this on board. I feel its important to show my daughter that you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep people warm.
You can be kind, but don't let people make you feel bad for doing what is right for you, your mental and physical health. I know this, but putting it into practice makes me so uncomfortable, and so I revert to my old people pleasing ways. Thank you for taking time to disect my comments, it's been really helpful to ask myself why

Show quote history

Thank you for this post! I know you came here to receive advice rather than give it, but "I feel its important to show my daughter that you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep people warm" is something I really needed to be reminded of. I'm fully aware of where my people pleasing tendencies come from and why I need to not do it but it's hard to break those patterns! But as you say, we need to protect our daughters from these things and it's something I need to work harder on. 👏

Glammami · 23/05/2025 01:06

Please make use of block features. Don’t let this woman rob the joy of your pregnancy which is a time you will remember forever, do you want it to be tainted with her toxicity? I chose to block my toxic MIL and it was the best decision I ever made.

For once, I chose me.

user1492809438 · 23/05/2025 11:51

Why don't you just forward all her texts to your Dh? It is his problem.