I lied to my mother about being in a relationship with my baby’s father and she has found out. What should I do?

[Rosemum24]

So for context, I've been with my partner on and off for 4 years. It's been a very on off up and down relationship with lots of bad behaviour on his side for the first half. Definitely bordering on emotional abuse (I know I’m crazy for staying in this but he has seriously changed since we had our little girl).

My parents are not aware that we're together as everyone disapproves of me being with him and I've honestly been embarrassed to tell people. My mum came round yesterday afternoon to drop something off without telling me and I believe she heard my partner and me talking inside, as she left it at the door without knocking and has not replied to my texts since then. We don’t live together but he had come round to spend the night.

I have a 9 month old baby with this man that my mum helps a lot with and I'm really worried this is going to put a serious strain on my relationship with her and by extension her relationship with my daughter. I also don't really know what to do with my partner as I'm not sure I even want to be with him anymore. The whole situation has made me feel very sick and anxious.

I also have no friends really which is a big part of why I’ve stayed with him as I’m very lonely.

Does anyone have any advice? This is not the first time I’ve been caught lying about my partner so I’m worried I’ve really stuffed it up this time. I’m more concerned about sorting things out with my mum than staying with him!

I can’t see that who you sleep with is your mums business.

Well it isn’t her mums business who she sleeps with of course but that is not what this is about.

Your mum is likely feeling used for taking an active role thinking you had no one else, which isn’t true. Plus.. lying to your mum who, if she’s otherwise decent, is never going to be a star quality. The lie tells me you know he’s all shades of wrong for you. If he’s wrong for you, he’s wrong for your dd. You need to talk to your Mum now.

The key thing here is that you’re in a relationship you admit is awful, and that you’re embarrassed to tell people about. Think about why that is.

You’re admitted yourself that the relationship hasn’t been good and that you don’t want to be with him.

You mum has had to watch you be in this relationship whilst suffering and they must hurt her a lot.

Shes just worried and sad for you knowing that you’re still with him.

Be honest with her and say you’re sorry for lying but you needed to come to the realisation yourself that you shouldn’t be in the relationship.

@Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged this is probably the best advice I’ve received thank you. I haven’t told her because I’ve been so afraid of judgement but also not having the strength to leave. It fills me with guilt thinking about it and I know it looks bad that I only feel this when I’ve been caught out but it’s been bothering me for a long time :(

Re read your own facts-

• history of bad behaviour
• you are embarrassed to tell people you are seeing him again
• your parents would have concerns-
• his behaviour has bordered on emotional abuse
• the past relationships with him have been on and off

History is a great way to predict future behaviour. When a person shows you who they are - believe them. Do you really want your child to grow up with this man as their role model?

That is true until the mum has to pick up the pieces of another failed relationship, parents can only help so much when children keep on making choices, and they end up having to help with again and again

I presume you will end up living with your parents with your child?

@BlondiePortz no I’ve got my own place with my daughter and her dad doesn’t live with us. He’s not hugely involved anyway so I will be able to cope without him around. I really don’t know why I’m still with him, I genuinely can’t give a good reason. We’ve tried to split up before and I just feel an overwhelming urge to go back whenever it happens ☹️

For what it's worth, in my good relationships my partner has always encouraged me having/making friends.
In my bad relationships they have always blocked/emotionally manipulated me into not having friends.
That for me is now a key thing I look for in a relationship.

You seem to know you shouldn't be in a relationship with this guy. So end it. Staying with him won't let you make friends. Not being with him gives you the freedom to make friends and healthy relationships with people.

Just speak to her, if you have too tell her that he came round to help with the baby as you needed a break.

You don't live together so your not really 'together' anyway, specially if your only staying because of the child and because your lonely.

Hopefully by opening this thread the penny has now dropped and you are now aware of how massively you have fucked up.
A previous poster has done a very good job in pinpointing all the incoherences in your post. You must stop for one second and reconsider very seriously if you want to carry on with this relationship because it is blatantly obvious that it is badly affecting you.

I think it’s telling that you say you don’t have any friends- is this because he isolates you from them?
Having a baby can be an opening in to new friendships- classic mums and babies groups etc.

This relationship sounds awful OP. He will revert back to his "bodering" on emotionally abusive ways and you will be responsible for, at the very least, modelling this kind of relationship to your daughter. I hope you end it.

Tell your mum what you've said here That youre really worried this is going to put a serious strain on your relationship with her and by extension her relationship with your daughter. That you're not sure you even want to be with him anymore. The reason you brought him back into your life is because you have no friends really which is a big part of why you've stayed with him as you are very lonely. The whole situation has made you feel very sick and anxious. You are deeply sorry for lying and hope that things are alright between you and her.

Well, resist it when the urge hits, the way people resist the urge to smoke or bite their nails! This relationship is like any other bad habit.

People rarely change. And if they do, it's because they have put the work in (therapy, removing triggers, i.e drugs, alcohol, certain people) of their own volition because they want to change, not because of external pressure.

Your Dd's father likely has not changed at all, he's just hiding the behaviour for a while. It will rear again.

And this is why I would also suggest you try to get some therapy for yourself as well. You can't seem to break this cycle of taking him back on your own, and since you seem to realize on some level that this relationship isn't good, you should do whatever you can to help yourself put an end to it permanently. For your own sake, and your daughter's.

I’m assuming this man has put the op (and subsequently their child) through absolute hell and the mum/nan is distraught at the thought he is still in that house with them

Over the years, SIL has regularly either lied outright, but more often just not told us things or downplayed the seriousness of things. She did that because she thought we would judge her adn be cross with her for continuing to be in a relationship and/or to accomodate a man who was clearly a waste of space.

Full disclosure, it was incredibly frustrating that she did that but I do actually get it. Becauuse while we always tried not to judge and always tried to be supportive, the reality is that the patterns had gone on for YEARS and watching it happen over and over again, with her convinced every single time that this time would be different, was exhausting. We were, on the one hand, sympathetic to the fact that she had been abused by him for so long she simply couldn't see the wood for the trees, and on the other, endlessly frustrated that she couldn't do anything.

The sad truth though is that it was her feeling judged, and having to lie and hide things that ultimately led to the relationship finally ending. Because it simply wasn't sustainable. When we stopped making politely supportive noises when she told us that this time it would be different and instead said things like, "Well, I am not sure but I hope you're right" (obviously we weren't slagging him off). When we told her that our children could no longer be around him and that he was not welcome in our house.

Men like this start by using your family as a tool to control you. But sometimes it backfries because instead of the family blaming you, they blame HIM and eventually, that realisation dawns on the woman.

Tell your mum. Apologise. But more importantly, make the changes you need to make. And yes, acept that she will be upset, hurt and disappointed that you have got back together with someone who has treated you badly and that he continues to treat you badly.

If she knows how crappy he is then she’s not unreasonable to not approve. She helps OP and she says that she’s lied about her relationship
status to her mum which is also a good reason to be disappointed with someone.

This is a wake up call. You either stay in the relationship and be honest with your mum or ditch the man and apologise to your mum for the dishonesty.

Can you tell your mum this? How understanding is she?

Agreed. It's very hard for parents to see a daughter abused, and return to that abuser. I can only imagine the granddaughter being in the frame makes that worse.

Its' also very hard to leave an abuser, and shame means lying about reconciliation is common. Which in turn isolates the victim more.

OP, are you being supported by anyone? Women's Aid - anyone? And you may want to look at trauma bonding.

Imagine that in 18 years this is your daughter’s life? She accepts terrible treatment from any man shaped object because that us what she learned from her “on again off again” father and her weepy, depressed, abused mother. She doesn’t have a strong relationship with her grandparents because the paternal ones don’t care about their son’s by blow (s) and the maternal ones have stopped supporting you because the relationship was filled with lies and your bf has isolated you. Meanwhile your dd gets stuck in a miserable, shame filled, relationship while you have to stand by and watch her waste her youth, beauty, and promise on some wanker?

Take your own side and your poor dd’s side and block your bf and start to live life freely and without shame. Let your mother in and ask for help. Sunlight and honesty are the best disinfectant.

Look at your daughter, think about how much you love and cherish her, what she deserves in life, who you hope she has relationships with in future - someone who loves her as much as you do, who appreciates, admires and respects her, treating her with kindness and respect.

That’s how your mum feels about you. It must hurt her terribly to know what a loser you’ve been wasting your time with and on top of that she now knows you’ve been lying to her face. She thinks her daughter doesn’t trust her enough to be honest. She’s worried about you.

Tell her what you’re telling us. Be fully honest now and help her understand why it’s been difficult to end the relationship. Alongside that complete the freedom programme online, or at your local children’s centre would be even better, to show your mum you’re taking family concerns about this man seriously.

Your mother is going to be upset because she knows this man doesn’t treat you well. She also knows that having him around your daughter more than is absolutely necessary is irresponsible.

If he is emotional abusive to you, he will be abusive to your shared child. If you stay in this relationship, your daughter will grow up seeing this kind of relationship as her template.

if your mother is angry it is because she is scared. She is scared for your safety. She is scared for your daughter’s future. She may even be angry with herself. Wondering what she might have done differently as a parent that could have prevented this outcome.

it’s time for you to start thinking like a mother. What kind of relationship do you want your daughter to have as an adult? Don’t model anything you don’t want for her.

Our DD is in an abusive relationship-he has cut her off from her friends and we rarely see her. She has no children but she's only 19. It's heart breaking for us all. While I understand it's not her fault, she has some choice in it and we don't. Feeling powerless as a mum when your child is being hurt but lying and pretending is awful. If you are admitting he is bordering emotionally abusive, I suspect it's actually far worse in reality......it always is. Please get help.