I lied to my mother about being in a relationship with my baby’s father and she has found out. What should I do?

[Rosemum24]

So for context, I've been with my partner on and off for 4 years. It's been a very on off up and down relationship with lots of bad behaviour on his side for the first half. Definitely bordering on emotional abuse (I know I’m crazy for staying in this but he has seriously changed since we had our little girl).

My parents are not aware that we're together as everyone disapproves of me being with him and I've honestly been embarrassed to tell people. My mum came round yesterday afternoon to drop something off without telling me and I believe she heard my partner and me talking inside, as she left it at the door without knocking and has not replied to my texts since then. We don’t live together but he had come round to spend the night.

I have a 9 month old baby with this man that my mum helps a lot with and I'm really worried this is going to put a serious strain on my relationship with her and by extension her relationship with my daughter. I also don't really know what to do with my partner as I'm not sure I even want to be with him anymore. The whole situation has made me feel very sick and anxious.

I also have no friends really which is a big part of why I’ve stayed with him as I’m very lonely.

Does anyone have any advice? This is not the first time I’ve been caught lying about my partner so I’m worried I’ve really stuffed it up this time. I’m more concerned about sorting things out with my mum than staying with him!

Agree with this wholeheartedly.
You need to look at what this tells you, rather than what he tells you, or what you'd like him and the situation to be.

He might be different since DD was born but it won't take long for him to win your trust and revert to his true self.

Your mum will be there no matter what, but don't disrespect her like this. You need her, and you need to rebuild friendships. Isolating yourself or being encouraged to do so, will not help you manage any relationship because it makes you vulnerable and I'm afraid to say, some nasties sniff that out like prey.

You need to talk to your mum.

You need to ditch this man.

And you need to stick to that, for yours and your baby’s sake.

How old are you?

End the relationship for good.

Ring your mum and apologise, and tell her that it is over and that you need the support to stay away from him for good.

Look into local baby or toddler groups that you can visit and maybe make friends.

See if there are any family support services in the area, which can refer you for any mother and baby groups, or parenting classes, anything where you can meet other people.

I have previously put a post up about my situation as my daughter is with someone who is absolutely no good to her at all, she had just told me she was pregnant when I posted. He doesn't contribute a penny to help her out with their baby or help out with him, speaks to her and treats her like a piece of dirt, is no support whatsoever, even though she is going through a very bad time right now but she keeps taking him back! I have told her now I cannot keep listening to it anymore and having her in tears all the time and walking on eggshells not knowing what he is going to do or say next. I will always be here for her but if she is prepared to keep letting him do it then she has to do it on her own and I don't want to know. Your mum probably feels the same way!!
What would you say to a friend or your sister if they were in your shoes?

OP, you need to do the Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

Tell your mum about it once you're registered. Ask for her support.

The fact you’re embarrassed to tell anyone you’re seeing him says enough. You should be proud of your partner and know they bring out the best in you.

Did your mum know it was him or just heard you had a gentleman caller so didn't want to intrude?

@riverislandjeans I believe she heard our conversation through the door so she knows he wasn’t just here to see our daughter. Hence why I haven’t heard from her at all in 24 hours which is very unlike her!

Is it normal for her to ignore you and give you the silent treatment?

Does she know that you know she heard you talking to him?

Because it's not very nice of her to just ignore you. At best it's passive aggressive to make a point.

I'd be going round there and making a big fuss of being worried thinking she's fallen down the stairs, because why else would she not have replied to your messages and intentionally made you worry.

This has zero to do with your mum what you do with your adult life.

Sounds like she is just as bad with emotional abuse if this is sending your anxiety through the roof. Its quite telling. If she is not replying to you due to your BF being over, which is your business, she is clearly showing some signs of coercive control. But, keep in mind, you can not tell her things about your BF then expect her not to be worried about you when she notices him there, and could it be that seeing you both were home, but not answering the door is more of an irk to her than you having the BF over?

You do you. And you relying on her for babysitting is not conditional, meaning, she can not use this as currency dictating what you do for her to like you.

Its your adult life. She has lived hers. Now its yours to decide who stays over, what you eat, where you buy your clothes etc.

Thank you for this. I’ve signed myself up for the safe in Sussex programme today to see if they can help me. I’m also on a waiting list for CBT through NHS so I’ll speak to them too

I sent her a message asking to have a chat and she has ignored me unfortunately. I’ll leave her to cool off for a few days then maybe try to call her on Friday ☹️

It’s hard to say it all out loud but over the years, we’ve had constant leaving and returning cycles to be with his ex baby mama, not ever having a job, not paying for anything, not doing any housework despite me working full time, trying to leave me multiple times while pregnant, smashing things, throwing things and punching walls when angry in a flat he didn’t pay for, getting drunk and really aggressive and loud. He’s never physically harmed me and all of this was a few years ago. In recent years it’s more constant accusations of thinking about my exes or whether I’m talking to someone else, going through my phone while I’m asleep. I’m really tired of it all.

I’m going to end things and ask for her forgiveness. I’ve seriously messed up, and he’s absolutely not worth ruining my relationship with my family for :(

I’ve contacted Women’s Aid this morning, and they’ve referred me to a Domestic Abuse help service that I’ve emailed for details. I really hope they can help me find the strength to leave and stay gone from this relationship as I don’t want to be in it anymore ☹️

If being in a relationship with a loser that is going nowhere, isn’t a relationship that you want to model for your daughter, then don’t.

It really is time to stop making excuses and start making changes for the better.

You’re a mum now, it isn’t just about you anymore, you’re a role model now.

I’ve seriously messed up, and he’s absolutely not worth ruining my relationship with my family for :(

Never mind ruining your relationship with your family - what about your baby's wellbeing? Does she deserve to see her mother being abused and not prioritising her? You may think you deserve this piece of shit but your baby certainly doesn't. Make her your priority, not him and not your loneliness.

I’m 25, been with him since I was 21 and my daughter was born when I was 24

If she’s angry at me for something then yes, she has done this in the past. She doesn’t know for sure but I’ve messaged her earlier today asking to talk so if she didn’t then she does now. She’s been active multiple times of WhatsApp today after sending my message and I know she’s in London for work so I know she’s intentionally not responding. I thought I’d just give her some time to cool off.

Is this her usual way of conducting the relationship with you?

Because if it is, and if you're wondering how you ended up with an emotionally abusive man, you have your answer right there.

I hope she replies soon op. I really love that you're already contacted WA. I'm rooting for you 💐

I also just want to say thank you to all those who have been kind and considerate with your answers. I’ve got a lot of hate from the people I care about over this in the past and it’s made me feel like dirt whereas most of you have really lifted me up on here so thank you 💜

She didn’t knock so it’s not lack of answering the door that’s annoyed her. She came to drop something off and before knocking obviously heard us talking in a relationship-y sort of way and was fuming and just left 😕

This is very true.