Husband says I knock his confidence

[tamagnochi]

In any disagreement or argument we have H says I knock his confidence. I don't know how..? He says I am a bull in a china shop, when I'm cross or angry I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything.. BUT I don't see how I am knocking his confidence. I may say that he needs to do more with the kids, take them out, step up a bit as he does have the tendency to be focused only on work, making money and having his 'own' time.. I am FT Home Educating.. it's wonderful but yes hard. He provides everything financially and do the majority of other stuff.. he has the child free life but does provide.. he takes to clubs on weekends.. if anyone has lost confidence, it's ME!

We've been together a long time and since becoming strong, finding my voice and telling him how it is from my viewpoint - he says I have no idea about diplomacy and I ruin every relationship I have..

It's because I had no boundaries with anyone before.. I was useless and fragile.. I'm still sensitive type but take a lot less shit..

Can anyone advise? Sounds like he's saying I'm too much for him basically.. I don't feel I am - I don't shout loud, swear profusely.. but he says I affect the whole mood of the house.

Which is interesting as that's what I believe he does, when he is off.. he's been a very strong, some what dominant character for most of our relationship but since have LOs I am less tolerant

He also said I made no effort for his birthday as I didn't get him something to open but he an experience instead. He went on about it.. saying it was shit.

Have you asked him how you knock his confidence?
If someone takes over from me when I'm doing something because I'm slower or unsure it really does affect me and make me less confident, even though I know their intentions are good. It makes me more inclined to step back and wait for them to do it next time. Could you be doing this?

What do you say to him?

A family member of mine is apt to commit character assassination when they argue, it's soul destroying if you're not prepared for it. Is that something you do or do you only focus on the issue at hand?

I'd be taking those comments on board to be honest. And trying to resolve them.

He's told you how he feels. Now you need to listen.

Is he trying to knock your confidence?

Er okay. Do you usually roll over whenever accused of something? It sounds to me like he has not been used to being challenged and now it's happening doesn't like it. when you're used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

I think you'll get a lot of support and 'what a bastard' replies but it sounds complicated. Why were you fragile before? Why are you home educating? Is there anything about your behaviour that you think you could do differently?

I'm not the pp you are asking but I wanted to say stepping back from an argument and considering what someone has said, even if they are wrong, is really useful. Although in the heat of the moment it can be difficult.

Confrontation begets confrontation, taking an objective approach can resolve issues much more quickly.

What do you mean when you say "I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything" - do you say horrible things? Mean, personal things? Because that can't be excused by claiming you're not sugarcoating stuff. You don't need to shout and swear to impact the entire mood of a house.

In this case 'knocking his confidence' means the poor dear is annoyed that you have finally realised that he is not pulling his weight with the kids, the house and not making time for his family in general and you are no longer willing to put up with it.

Don't second guess yourself and keep making it clear he needs to step up.

He is not a delicate flower who needs to be handled with care, he is a lousy husband and father who needs to take responsibility for improving his behaviour.

People who say things like 'I don't sugarcoat my words', and 'I say it like it is', etc. are generally awful awful people. The truth is you are verbally abusive, and a fanny lodger. Maybe send your kids to school and stop using that as an excuse to not work for a living. And start being nicer to your husband. If he leaves you're screwed.

It sounds like you stand up for yourself and have identified behaviours you see need improvement (like doing more for the kids) and telling him that and he wants you to shut back up.

You're in a financially vulnerable position being a stay at home mom who home schools. Was that a mutual decision?

Unfortunately, you don't provide enough information to give an informed answer.

What does this mean: He says I am a bull in a china shop, when I'm cross or angry I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything..

Because, if, in those moments you are saying, "You're a complete waste of space. Yes you earn the money but you don't have a clue what the children need, you're completely incompetent and can't even take them swimming on Saturday without me having to hold your hand and frankly, I can't bear to look at you", I could understand that your frustration is ocming across in a way that is not helpful.

If, however, you not mincing your words is you saying, "It's completely unacceptable that you think it's okay to earn the money and have downtime while leaving me to do everything else and sort the kids out at all times, with no thought or ownership given to what they need", then I think he' sjust being a whingey twat.

I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything

If that’s how you willingly describe yourself, then I suspect your argument style is one where you attack. It is possible to have arguments and heated discussions without seeking to attack the other person and bring them down. Dealing with someone like that is exhausting and does affect your confidence.

So he provides everything for you financially, works all week, takes the kids to clubs and “does the majority of other stuff” too. What is “other stuff” - cooking, cleaning, shopping etc? What else would you like him to do? And how exactly do you tell him?

I think that OP does the majority of other stuff - I think there was a typo in that paragraph. So he does the money stuff and a few clubs on the weekend.

When we first got together things were good in my eyes but trauma bonded, toxic relationship.. he was controlling and has to unlearn a lot of his family dynamics and find his own way. I've been loyal and always been there. I slowly lost myself in the relationship and became a shadow of my former self. He has changed for the better. I do attack and have been personal in the past which I understand isn't ok and wrong! I am FAR from lazy and choosing not to work, I put my kids first, my child has trauma and anxiety about his school experience so we took him out. Joint decision.

Also he has always been quite harsh with his tone, I think it's cultural differences. He has an arrogant attitude but has improved massively since starting therapy.. I may have unresolved anger issues and anxiety.

@Hardlyworking there's always one

Sounds like a combination of issues from both sides.

Marriage counseling might be worth it if only to help with communication, both styles and issues.

Perhaps it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Often, the time and body language overshadow the words.

I'd tell him that it isn't your intention to knock his confidence and ask how he'd like you communicate things to him when you have concerns.

She got him an experience for his birthday but he complained that he didn't have a present to open. He said that his birthday was shit. Should she really pander to such childish, ungrateful behaviour? He isn't a small child.

As you’ve been trying to be stronger and assertive maybe you’ve gone too far and are being aggressive. But it seems neither of you are communicating well. There are stacks of resources online to help with this. You would benefit from it even if he doesn’t want to put in the work.

@Lurkingandlearning I agree with this :/

I see shedloads of projection from him onto you.
You ruined his birthday = he ruined his own birthday
You are breaking his confidence = he is hammering away at your small amount of confidence until there will be nothing left of it
You have no diplomacy and ruin every relationship = you guessed it first

A FT home educating mum - doing all his domestic and child rearing work for him. How can a man who has this amazing phenomenon at home, anticipating his every need and want, be threatened by you?
If he gave you an experience for your birthday, how do you think you would reply? With kindness and appreciation or with harsh words and cruelty?