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Original poster

Husband says I knock his confidence

36 replies

tamagnochi · 11/03/2025 10:03

In any disagreement or argument we have H says I knock his confidence. I don't know how..? He says I am a bull in a china shop, when I'm cross or angry I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything.. BUT I don't see how I am knocking his confidence. I may say that he needs to do more with the kids, take them out, step up a bit as he does have the tendency to be focused only on work, making money and having his 'own' time.. I am FT Home Educating.. it's wonderful but yes hard. He provides everything financially and do the majority of other stuff.. he has the child free life but does provide.. he takes to clubs on weekends.. if anyone has lost confidence, it's ME!

We've been together a long time and since becoming strong, finding my voice and telling him how it is from my viewpoint - he says I have no idea about diplomacy and I ruin every relationship I have..

It's because I had no boundaries with anyone before.. I was useless and fragile.. I'm still sensitive type but take a lot less shit..

Can anyone advise? Sounds like he's saying I'm too much for him basically.. I don't feel I am - I don't shout loud, swear profusely.. but he says I affect the whole mood of the house.

Which is interesting as that's what I believe he does, when he is off.. he's been a very strong, some what dominant character for most of our relationship but since have LOs I am less tolerant

OP posts:
MaryMary05 · 11/03/2025 13:35

It’s hard to say without an example of how you raise things with him.

OpenOliveCat · 11/03/2025 13:51

Cattreesea · 11/03/2025 10:36

In this case 'knocking his confidence' means the poor dear is annoyed that you have finally realised that he is not pulling his weight with the kids, the house and not making time for his family in general and you are no longer willing to put up with it.

Don't second guess yourself and keep making it clear he needs to step up.

He is not a delicate flower who needs to be handled with care, he is a lousy husband and father who needs to take responsibility for improving his behaviour.

Yet this husband actually provides all the physical necessities for the family...
Your advice is absurd.....

Chunkilumptious · 11/03/2025 15:27

tamagnochi · 11/03/2025 11:08

When we first got together things were good in my eyes but trauma bonded, toxic relationship.. he was controlling and has to unlearn a lot of his family dynamics and find his own way. I've been loyal and always been there. I slowly lost myself in the relationship and became a shadow of my former self. He has changed for the better. I do attack and have been personal in the past which I understand isn't ok and wrong! I am FAR from lazy and choosing not to work, I put my kids first, my child has trauma and anxiety about his school experience so we took him out. Joint decision.

I think it definitely sounds complicated. Sounds like at least you've both tried to improve matters over time and acknowledged faults. I'd have a look at joint therapy for an outside perspective. It doesn't sound as easy to pick apart as 'controlling bastard doesn't appreciate wife'. Perhaps that's true but there's more to it.

Chunkilumptious · 11/03/2025 15:28

More to it as in a long history, a lot you've accepted about each other and a lot going on at home aside from your relationship

Onlyvisiting · 11/03/2025 15:30

There is a big difference between confidently asserting boundaries, and being rude, blunt and aggressive.
Only you know which you are doing, but I've never etc someone yet who 'doesn't sugercoat things' and 'tells it how it is' who isn't just being bloody rude.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/03/2025 15:30

RainingRoses · 11/03/2025 10:45

I guess I don't mince my words, I say what I feel and don't sugarcoat anything

If that’s how you willingly describe yourself, then I suspect your argument style is one where you attack. It is possible to have arguments and heated discussions without seeking to attack the other person and bring them down. Dealing with someone like that is exhausting and does affect your confidence.

Absolutely this.

And while “boundaries” have their place, they aren’t an excuse to treat other people badly

Cattreesea · 11/03/2025 19:19

@OpenOliveCat

Yet this husband actually provides all the physical necessities for the family...
Your advice is absurd.....

'Physical necessities'?

When you write nonsense like that you are in no place to describe anyone else's comment as 'absurd'.

gamerchick · 11/03/2025 19:25

What does he do for your birthday?

OpenOliveCat · 11/03/2025 19:34

Cattreesea · 11/03/2025 19:19

@OpenOliveCat

Yet this husband actually provides all the physical necessities for the family...
Your advice is absurd.....

'Physical necessities'?

When you write nonsense like that you are in no place to describe anyone else's comment as 'absurd'.

🍪 for you....
Goes great with lemon tea..

sometimesmovingforwards · 11/03/2025 19:38

Cattreesea · 11/03/2025 10:36

In this case 'knocking his confidence' means the poor dear is annoyed that you have finally realised that he is not pulling his weight with the kids, the house and not making time for his family in general and you are no longer willing to put up with it.

Don't second guess yourself and keep making it clear he needs to step up.

He is not a delicate flower who needs to be handled with care, he is a lousy husband and father who needs to take responsibility for improving his behaviour.

This sort of pigheaded attitude is a fast track to him leaving divorce papers on the table the minute he feels the kids can handle it. Guaranteed.

InNeedofAdvice1234 · 11/03/2025 20:09

tamagnochi · 11/03/2025 12:35

@Lurkingandlearning I agree with this :/

I would recommend a great book Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Talk-Men-Walk/dp/0091917107

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