My Mum is putting a boundary in the way of our relationship

[DaisyDoo3452]

Hello everyone.

I am 28 years old and have always had a very close relationship with my parents, my Mum in particular. Sometimes to the point where friends and partners have commented on the fact that I am heavily influenced by my Mum's opinion.

It has always been in me to seek approval from my Mum. I struggle even now as an adult to feel satisfied with my life if I know she disapproves of something. This is different to my siblings, who make their own judgements on things and do not let her opinion sway them.

As a child, when I did wrong, my Mum would give the silent treatment for hours on end and this also effected me as an adult. This felt crippling.

Back in November, I had quite the falling out with my partner (we live in his flat which was up for sale at the time and hasn't been taken off the market since) our words got pretty nasty and he told me to go. My parents kindly let me move back in with them. I was upset at the time and angry, and confided a lot in my parents and friends, which I am sure clouded their judgement.

My Mum said to me after I said to her that we were going to make a go of things that I was clearly being 'over dramatic' and that I shouldn't involve them in my business, as now their relationship is a bit awkward with my partner. I felt sad by this comment, as I feel that I should be able to confide in the people close to me. I am sure that she became frustrated as when I was angry, I said I was done with the relationship and now I've done a complete U-turn.

My partner and I decided to try to make things work, and things have been going well. I recently moved back in with him.

The flat has just sold and we have been viewing properties.

I am struggling with the fact that my Mum does not seem to want to know anything about this. She hasn't asked any questions about my relationship, the exciting news of viewing properties or anything. She keeps talking to me about my sister's life with her partner, but doesn't ask me anything about mine.

It makes me feel sad. I ask her out for coffes and she declines or makes excuses. I drove past her the other day and she looked but then pretended not to see me.

I just don't know what to do about this. I am not sure whether it is her giving me the silent treatment and it is crushing me. I have the longing to be close to her again.

She’s your Mum. It will hurt her to see you being with someone who can kick you out of your home so easily.

Are you suggesting this therefore gives her the ‘right’ to ignore her daughter? Because SHE is hurt? Why is she hurt? Because her daughter went through a bad patch with her partner?

If the mum is this concerned about the relationship she should be doing the opposite and letting her daughter know she’s there for her whatever.

OP this is cruel. No wonder you’re upset. It’s not okay for a mum to be like this.

I think some counselling would help you. Your DM's abusive behaviour to you growing up (silent treatment) has left you desperate to please her, but she sounds manipulative, deliberately not enquiring about your life or wanting to meet up with you. It's not a good idea to overshare the nitty gritty of your relationship disputes with them either, as they will naturally be concerned for you and it will affect any relationship they have/had with your partner.

It will affect how your mum views your partner if you have moved in with her to get away from him and spent a lot of time talking through with her how upset you are.

As a parent you want your child to be happy and ok and if other people are upsetting your child you don't want them to do it.

It's very hard to view a person in the same light again afterwards.

Your mother has trained you. She's trained you to behave in a way that suits her, and you 'confide' in her and need her approval for everything because she's taught you to. Now she wants you to leave your partner and you aren't, so she's trying to bring you to heel by pulling away.

I understand her being upset perhaps at your decision to move back in with your partner as, from her perspective you have been treated badly and it will likely happen again. But by refusing to speak to you, she's is hoping that you will say 'you are so right Mum, you've always been right, I will listen to and act on everything you do and say from now on'.

She really shouldn't have that much power over your life. You do you, and perhaps keep your mum slightly at arm's length from now on.

It’s fairly understandable that your mom isn’t especially keen on the relationship if you spent ages going over all the terrible things about him. I’ve got friends who I struggle with their partners having heard all the negatives about them.

I do however think you’d maybe benefit from some therapy or something so that you can be less affected by your moms dis/approval.

Your Mum is wrong to give you the silent treatment. She does sound difficult.

But she is right to be wary of your partner. He has treated you badly and you’re not really seeing it as you’re too swept up in the excitement of it all. As a Mum to a similar aged daughter myself I’d struggle to be happy for you as I’d just be so worried. But I would try to be kind to you and to make you feel you could always come home again if it doesn’t work out.

Your Mum is trying to control you, and you’re not playing ball.

I would send a message that said something like “Mum, I love you and I am so grateful for the support you and Dad gave me last year when things were tough with Bruce. I know it must be hard for you both that I have changed my mind and that you worry for me. However, I am happy and positive about our future. I really want to be able to share my whole life with you and I don’t currently feel able to do that. Is that something you feel we could work on?”

But then DON’T GO RUNNING.

I don’t think your parents a a good outlet for your relationship problems. They always remember it all. Then, when you resolve things with a partner, parents hold grudges or treat them awkwardly. Talk to your friends about relationship issues, not your parents.

My brother talked things over with our mother. That completely poisoned any healthy relationship between our mum and her DIL, the mother of her grandchildren.

The best way to deal with people like your mum is to treat them how they treat you.

Pull away entirely for at least 5 months. Can guarantee you that she will come running back.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up because she was and remains abusive. The silent treatment she gave you back then was an example of emotional abuse. She has not fundamentally changed in all the years since and you have indeed been conditioned and or otherwise trained to accept this from her. No wonder you are mired in fear, obligation and guilt as a result and for this you need therapy. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

I would pull right back on any future interaction with your mother and reduce all forms of contact down to zero sum. At the very least she needs to be put on a strict information diet by you. Your boundaries re her are pretty much non existent because she has tried to make you an extension of her (this is something that narcissists do).

Your friends certainly notice how you've been treated by her; do your siblings notice as well?. My guess is they look the other way because they do not want to become your mother's target/emotional punchbag. Where's your dad in all this dysfunction as well; does he go along with his wife out of self preservation and a want of a quiet life. He has failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. Drop the rope to the whole lot of them.

goodness me so the answer to that is to withdraw support?

she will be jealous op that you aren’t the centre of her life, you don’t feel you have to seek her approval she’s groomed you to seek it.

shes also taught you unhealthy relationship dynamics so if the chap you are with is abusive or controlling you won’t see it as that’s your normal as that’s how your mother was.

i know this because i think we have the same mother! We don’t, there are just a lot of them out there. Read emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson.

This. Please try to find a good psychotherapist who can help you work through this stuff and understand what’s happening

You need some therapy to help you develop some boundaries of your own and separate from your mum to become a true adult.

Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing ups and actually women like your mother cannot do relationships at all. They need a willing enabler to help them, this here being your dad. You've also been co-opted to help her in this without your consent.

Indeed if your man is anything at all like your mother in terms of personality he needs to be dumped. I sincerely hope he is the complete opposite to both your parents here.

I can understand why your mum doesn't want to hear about your plans with this man. Look at it from her point of view.
You had an argument. He threw you out of your home and didn't care if you ended up on the streets.
You then told her all about the negatives in your relationship. She knows how badly he treated you.
You then decide to go back to the man who made you homeless once and so could do so again. She knows all the bad things about him and how much he hurt you. So you either (in her mind) think so little of yourself that you would return to a man who threw you out like yesterday's newspaper and treated you terribly when you were together or you exaggerated his terrible treatment of you.
Do you really expect her to be happy for you? She is probably terrified of what he will do next.
Not acknowledging you in the street is childish. A wave would cost nothing. But I can understand her not wanting to meet for coffee to hear you talk about all your plans when she is so frightened for you. She can't unlearn the things you told her about your partner, she can't forget how much you were hurt and it is totally understandable that she doesn't support your plans.
Perhaps she is worried that, if she tells you how she really feels, how scared she is for you, it may irreparably damage your relationship. So, rather than hurt you by vocalising her concerns and do more damage to your relationship she is choosing distance.

I'm going to be honest, you have literally just described my exact relationship with my Mum. The incessant desire for her approval and also given the silent treatment as a child. At the moment she isn't seeing me as she was upset with the fact my boyfriend stayed over last week. Just ignores me. It is such a childish behaviour and my whole life has been dictated by her.

This past year I have really tried to make peace when circumstances happen that she doesn't approve of. It doesn't help that she's always right about things, but I think it's a control thing and I am so frightened I will wake up regretting so much that I didn't do just to please her.

You are definitely not alone, maybe try calling her out on her behaviour, or try and get comfortable when she is not happy with your decisions. It's your life x

It still isn't reasonable to stop seeing her daughter and pretending she hasn't seen her when she drives past her.

She is cutting off her daughter for not taking her advice. She gave OP the silent treatment many times when OP was a child and she is obviously using the same tactics to control and hurt her again.

She doesn't sound like a loving parent.

This is a massive learning experience for you. You should NEVER dump all your relationship stuff on family. You can't expect a mum that loves you to be able to unhear what you've said about your partner if he treated you really badly.

Friends, yes. Family, no.

OP, your mum's love is conditional on you doing what she wants you to do and following her advice.

She used the silent treatment to control you when you were a child and is still doing it now. Your siblings' relationships with her sound much healthier than yours.

She doesn't sound like a particularly loving parent but you have been conditioned to seek her approval and to panic when you don't have it.

I would encourage you to find a therapist to discuss your relationship with your mother and to advise on how you should set boundaries with your mum.

Loving parents don't give their children the silent treatment. You are an adult and can make your own decisions about your relationships that your mum doesn't have to agree with.

As an adult you infact do not need her approval, not that she'd ever give you this anyway. HMD - I would think your mother is not always right about things but likes to give that impression to you. Do not further drift through your life living your life on her terms and whims. I would think you are very afraid of her like the OP is afraid of her mother too.

You are still in contact with her (you say she talks about other things) so she is not ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. What does she say when you bring up future plans?
Why don't you ask her why she won't meet you? Or ask why she didn't acknowledge you when you were driving?

A decent mother would be there for you no matter what, listening, allowing you to make your own mistakes and learn lessons but always being there no matter what. We learn by making mistakes. Your mother on the other hand has issues with control and superiority. She is not happy that you aren’t doing what she wants and you’ve injured her ego and now you are being passively abused. Covert narc it sounds. Any mother would want their child to be happy. I rant and moan to my own
mum and she no doubt has her opinions on my partner but she keeps them to herself and behaves respectful and loving. It’s my life and if she behaved like your mum I’d not bother telling her anything.

First of all, you need to address your need for approval from your mother - I think counselling would help you. You are stuck in an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship with your mum and need to change this.

Secondly, it's quite understandable that your parents are concerned about your choice to try again with your partner after he's thrown you out of the house. You have obviously confided in them about the problems in your relationship and they won't just be able to forget that and move on. Their concerns are possibly very legitimate and the fact that she's avoided the subject with you indicates that she is holding back saying what she really thinks.

I would just concentrate on working on your relationship and look into counselling to address the issues with your mother. You can't change her but you can take responsibility for your own responses and actions and how much you let her behaviour affect you.

Yes, but being a mum (or ad or even a friend) means allowing people to make their own mistakes and just be there for them.

Fine to voice your opinion but not to cut people off if they don't do as you say - that's just controlling.