My Mum is putting a boundary in the way of our relationship

[DaisyDoo3452]

Hello everyone.

I am 28 years old and have always had a very close relationship with my parents, my Mum in particular. Sometimes to the point where friends and partners have commented on the fact that I am heavily influenced by my Mum's opinion.

It has always been in me to seek approval from my Mum. I struggle even now as an adult to feel satisfied with my life if I know she disapproves of something. This is different to my siblings, who make their own judgements on things and do not let her opinion sway them.

As a child, when I did wrong, my Mum would give the silent treatment for hours on end and this also effected me as an adult. This felt crippling.

Back in November, I had quite the falling out with my partner (we live in his flat which was up for sale at the time and hasn't been taken off the market since) our words got pretty nasty and he told me to go. My parents kindly let me move back in with them. I was upset at the time and angry, and confided a lot in my parents and friends, which I am sure clouded their judgement.

My Mum said to me after I said to her that we were going to make a go of things that I was clearly being 'over dramatic' and that I shouldn't involve them in my business, as now their relationship is a bit awkward with my partner. I felt sad by this comment, as I feel that I should be able to confide in the people close to me. I am sure that she became frustrated as when I was angry, I said I was done with the relationship and now I've done a complete U-turn.

My partner and I decided to try to make things work, and things have been going well. I recently moved back in with him.

The flat has just sold and we have been viewing properties.

I am struggling with the fact that my Mum does not seem to want to know anything about this. She hasn't asked any questions about my relationship, the exciting news of viewing properties or anything. She keeps talking to me about my sister's life with her partner, but doesn't ask me anything about mine.

It makes me feel sad. I ask her out for coffes and she declines or makes excuses. I drove past her the other day and she looked but then pretended not to see me.

I just don't know what to do about this. I am not sure whether it is her giving me the silent treatment and it is crushing me. I have the longing to be close to her again.

If I was a mum in this situation I’d make sure that our lines of communication were strong. If my child was in trouble in a relationship I’d want her to know without any doubt to come to me. Last thing you want is your child too scared to tell you something bad is happening.

You used to “get along” with your mum because you always did as she said. She trained you from the moment that you were born to act like this where as normal parents allow children to make mistakes and their own decisions.

You should be able to confide in people who are close to you but your mum is only close to you when you act like an extension of her. She doesn’t see you as a grown adult with different ideas and opinions on things. Punishing you by ignoring you is abusive snd immature. She’s not unreasonable to not want to see or hear about your partner because it’s now awkward but pretending not to see you on the street is simply cruel. She’s clearly not used to you making decisions like normal adults do every day and not abiding by her orders.

If you split up with your partner and beg for forgiveness/accept all of her advice as gospel in future then you’ll get back to the way things were but you’ll still be in the very unhealthy dynamic of being controlled and not respected. It’s sad that you are chasing for approval from a person who should love you unconditionally. In an ideal world you’d wake up and stop chasing after her and find confidence in your ability to make your own decisions and live your life. It’s driving her crazy that she’s lost control when you are a grown woman who should have the tools to live a happy independent life.

It’s frightening how many of us are giving advice as we have the exact same situation but heartening that there have been very few posts saying oh it’s your mum she livee you.

I feel sad there are so many of us but pleased we have all been able to use resources that help us to see things as they are.

Find you own place to live and cut off both abusive people in your life.

Your mum is abusive, you should seek counselling.
Stop oversharing with your parents, there's an age old saying about not getting involved in other peoples arguments because when they're resolved you'll end up the one left in the shit. Your mum likely feels this way, shes tried to help you out in tough times and you've gone against her advice, now she will learn from that and stay out of it.
As an adult you shouldn't be so concerned about your parents approval, its your life. You should be living it how you want to and not worry so much about others opinions.
I agree with a PP that your mother has trained you to be this way, now you're going against her and shes pulling back and punishing you. Awful behaviour, and again something you should seek counselling to resolve. You need some boundaries in place, not the other way around.

Ding ding ding.

The answer is to also pull away, stop seeking your mothers approval and validation, and get some therapy/work on your self esteem and independence.

Withholding affection as a punishment is a shit thing to do. My kids can drive me insane and sometimes I need a minute to regulate and there are times I can’t do a hug right then. But our job as a parent is to SUCK IT UP AND MEET THEIR NEEDS. This is emotionally manipulative and abusive. Give her a chance to say what she’s got to say and move past it and make it clear you won’t keep chasing her. You can’t control her behaviour but you can damn well control how you respond to it. I’m sorry OP :(

Your an adult, start acting like one then she may let you back in her life. Find a friend stop sharing relationship info with your mum. Poor women it's her time now - sound like an energy vampire.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

The boundary your mum has set is probably the least problematic aspect of your relationship with her.

Giving you the silent treatment as a child was abusive and no doubt is the tip if the iceberg.

Your desperate need for her approval is something you should seek therapy for.

You should consider if you've replicated the toxic pattern of that relationship with your partner. A relationship that ricochets from one person throwing the other one out to both of you planning to buy a property together is deeply unhealthy. You should not be trying to make another go of it with him.

And despite the fact that I have no doubt of your mum's toxic control over you, she's absolutely right on this particular matter. Your parents had to pick you up and give you a home after your partner treated you awfully. They can't unthink what they thought about him. You can't expect them to pretend everything's all OK in your relationship after they saw all that.

When it comes to rollercoaster relationships, the best advice is not to have them at all. But if you must have them, don't expect your friends and family to join you on the emotional ups and downs - for them it's just one big down.

My BIL did a lot of not so nice things to my sister and she confided in us all. He sounded a lot like the terrible husbands you see posted about on mumsnet. More than a decade later the kids are grown up (without his effort or involvement) and he apparently had an epiphany and learned how to use a hoover and stopped embarrassing her by getting drunk and hitting on whoever woman they happened to have over for dinner.

She’s now trying to sweep it all under the rug and when she calls she ‘casually’ mentions how he saved the day by cleaning a bathroom that morning. 🙄

She might be in a better place with him, but to us he will forever be a bellend.

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand, your mother seems to have been a pretty poor parent in respect to how she's communicated with you growing up, giving you an approval complex that is clearly still affecting you into adulthood.

From her point of view, I expect she didn't get the most glowing review of your OH from you when you moved back in. She's probably concerned that the issues you told her about will return, and that he'll throw you out again and she'll have to be there to house you and pick up the pieces.

You're unlikely to change her behavior at this stage in her life, so you'll have to do the sensible thing and follow in your siblings' footsteps.

What were the worst things that your partner did OP? If it were your daughter a man had treated in that way how would you feel?

Thank you for all your responses. I do see it from my Mum's side of things. I have now learnt the lesson not to confide in family, but what upsets me the most is the fact that my parents went through an extremely challenging time a year ago and I have been their sounding boards seperately ever since. I always try to listen impartiality to both of them (neither one of them know that the other confides in me - my dad still does).

It is sad that I cannot have that reciprocated, but lesson learnt.

You are enmeshed. You should be able to confide in your mum without her punishing you and removing affection. As myself and PP have said, the relationship is toxic and that’s what you need to take on board

They should not be doing that, you are their child not their therapist.

OP should stop sharing relationship information with her mum and she should reduce contact with her as she is a very poor excuse for a mother.

She used the silent treatment to control OP as a child and is still doing it now she is an adult. OP would be better off making her own decisions and not involving her mother. Her mother is not a healthy influence in OP's life.

You need to stop them using you as a sounding board as well.

If your Dad has an issue in his relationship, he needs to solve it with your Mum and vice versa.

Not bring his children (even adult children) into the relationship.

Same goes for you having relationship issues - you solve it with your partner, possibly with the help of a relationship counsellor if necessary.

They shouldn't be doing that to you and you should be able to tell them not to do it any more.

Your Mum sounds quite toxic, however, you went to live with them and vented about your terrible partner and then skipped off with him as if nothing had happened. It's a but ridiculous and of course it's awkward for them.

Your mum gave you the silent treatment when you were a child? That's a joke isn't it? because that is so off the chart toxic, abusive behaviour I can't believe it's true. I have 3 children and yes they have done or said something in the past for me to be really pissed off but to give them the silent treatment? It's actually fucked up! Do as YOU wish, you are 28 years old for heavens sake, you don't need her approval for ANYTHING it's your life not hers!! I would start by slowly distancing myself, I don't mean don't talk to her as she's still your mother and u love each other but she has wayyyy too much influence in your life!

The silent treatment is a form of controlling abusive behaviour. Filling the recipient with anxiety, walking on eggshells, not knowing what they've done wrong.

Others have noticed her influence over you.

You've had this since childhood - so it's ingrained.

You moved back under her control - for a time. Then you asserted your independence again and left her control.

Controllers find this hard to forgive.

You also are her daughter who went through a piece of shit behaviour by your partner. He threw you out, leaving you homeless.

You went back, which she can't understand.

And my view there is - Why on earth would you put yourself back in his hands, OP?

But sadly you don't know anything different, do you.

Get on with your life. Hope that was an isolated incident. Continue eour relationships with your other relatives. Continue in inviting her, offering to include her. Be the better person.

If she continues to behave like this and ignore you - let her.

I tell my mum everything. Good, bad and very bad. Because she is my mum. She has not changed her interactions with me or my husband.

Your mum is abusive. She is acting the way she does to hurt you.

I really would suggest therapy to talk through it all and show you how bad the relationship with your mum is.

Your mother is emotionally abusive.