Support group for those of us tempted to stray

[PoSYesIKnow]

Firstly can we please keep this polite and without judgement? I can't speak for anyone else but I already feel terrible.

I met a (younger, single) guy on a course last year and we really clicked - we chatted about a fairly niche shared interest and had a great laugh. I wasn't attracted to him, just enjoyed the chatting. At the end of the day we swapped numbers (huge mistake, I know). I have friends of both sexes and didn't feel like there was anything underhand in making a new friend.

You can guess what happened. We haven't seen each other since but we've been chatting non-stop and I've really become attracted to him, perhaps attached even. We haven't met since, but he has wanted to.

The other day it dawned on me that I'm basically having an emotional affair. I had a bit of a breakdown, told him I couldn't continue the friendship and have blocked him.

I'm devastated. It's pathetic but I miss the constant attention. He was clearly very into me and I enjoyed it. I don't know why. My husband is wonderful, very loving and attentive, and we have a great sex life. Perhaps things are a little boring and routine after 10 years of marriage and two small children.

Anyway, the addictive part of my brain is desperate to get back in touch with my "friend". I know I shouldn't, and I (almost) trust myself not to. I feel disgusting for wanting to.

I wouldn't talk to anyone about this in real life, so it helps to write it here. Is anyone else experiencing similar, or has done previously? Really I need a firm hand hold to stop me reigniting the friendship, and it would also help to feel like I'm not alone.

Thanks for your helpful reply :)

Sorry @Lemsipper you're glad you didn't have a mum who upon realising she was in danger of making a mistake took the adult decision to stop it, and then to look for support from other adults who may be able to help her in the short term. Funny I would have thought thats a great kind of mum.

Life with 2 small kids can be a bit of a drudge so I can understand why this happened and why you miss it. Would therapy help? I think it's easy as parents to lose yourself and maybe therapy would help you find yourself again. Do you and your husband get any time just the two of you? My marriage broke up a while ago and I realised we hadn't been out together for years which was really sad. Good luck

Anyone may have. The OP isn't going to share with anyone in real life. So how would anyone know?

OP man up you were drawn into a fiction novel. You've made the move. Now concentrate on what's right.

So OP makes what she thought was a friend, and when she realises there’s an emotional attachment and a risk of infidelity, she blocks him. And you think that’s somehow a bad thing ? Do you often come on threads just to goad and criticise posters who are looking for advice and support ? Nothing better to do ? And as a poster upthread wisely said, how would you know ? You think your mum would tell you ?

Something that I think is really good advice is to do the full thought experiment of your husband finding out, moving out, selling your house, etc etc you'd chuck all that away for what is essentially hormones.
Ultimately and I mean this with love and support, it's will power. In the same way you'd attempt to break another habit.

I must say OP so many women who start threads on MN would give their right arms to have a loving DH, great sex life and two children. And yet you were willing to jeopardise that for a bit of " attention" because you are bored.
That is so selfish and self centered.
My sympathy is with your H.

Crushes are normal, how you respond is in your control. In this circumstance, you didn't click soon enough but now that you have, you've done the responsible things and ended it. It is hard, your brain and body was handed fun doses of endorphins. It will take time, accept that rather than ruminating over it.

Get busy too, fill your time with the things that remind you there are other friends out there and that you have a great family.

Do not reignite the friendship and start labelling it in your mind for what it is. He is not an innocent friend, you fancy him. That's not appropriate. You've done the best thing for you and your family by blocking him. Stay strong.
Another thing I would say is imagine your husband having a friend like this. You'd be devastated

I have experience in this. Sadly. For me personally it came from a place of never having experienced “unconditional love” before (not even from parents). So I looked for it and looked for connections with people (even when they were weak!). low self worth, lots of self hate and terrible boundaries.

Anyway, counselling was a breakthrough for me. And the thought of behaving like this actually makes me feel quite nauseous so I know it’ll never happen again. I know I have grown and changed.

My advice to you @PoSYesIKnow is to have a look on YouTube or Spotify for things about this topic. Get some self awareness so you don’t have a breakdown like I did.

Be kind to yourself. You’re in a great position to move on from this in peace without the big fall out.

Sometimes l wonder whether some posters are on the same thread. OP clearly wasn’t wiling to jeopardise her marriage because as soon as she realised how emotionally attached she was becoming, she put an end to it.

I feel your pain. I experience Liberace and it can become so strong it's like I'm completely infatuated.
You have to try to think of them as just a fantasy, in reality they will be no better than your husband.
Unfortunately married life can get boring and this is what happens. You did so well to end it

You'll not get any nasty words from me . What started as a friendship , turned into you having thoughts ( and feelings ) for something else .
I get that , it's only human , but no big deal because you've realised that could jeopardise things , and you've put a stop on it .

See it as a blip , and not being horrible here , but I expect it's because you are a bit bored with your life ?
Do something about it , have a night out with mates ( or get in contact with them if lost touch )
Go on dates with your dh . Now the weather is getting better , plan family day trips , do more at weekends etc .

Basically be less bored of you . He won't fulfil what lacks with you at the moment , and he isn't the answer to any problems . Block his number and concentrate on your own little family.

Limerence not Liberace

Yes but not before she went down the route of having an emotional affair.
For many people having an emotional affair is more damaging, more of a betrayal, than a physical affair
If her marriage vows and her DH meant anything to her why would she become emotionally involved with this OM anyway?
To even say you are bored with your DH because he is loving and attentive smacks of disdain for him.
It's an example of MN double standards if posters condone OP's behaviour when we all know when a man does similar he is heartily condemned on this forum.

So you would say the same to any man who started a " friendship" with a new woman acquaintances and it turned into an emotional affair? That wouldn't be a " big deal" for you either?
This thread reminds me of the OP whose H cheated on her " because he could" , not because there was anything wrong with their relationship.

I caught my husband cheating 6 weeks ago. Together 27 years.
If i told you I had considered suicide due to the pain, having to hold my children why they cried because daddy has left us. Then don't. The pain inflicted for selfish reasons is unbearable at times.
If you're not happy, do the decent thing amd leave. Don't hurt people.

They chatted . I chat to a ex colleague , haven't worked together for over 10 years . We speak on the phone about 5/6 times a year . I do this infront of my husband or not , it doesn't matter which . We catch up on what's been going on in our lives of about joint people we know , holidays , kids etc . He happens to be a man . Am I having an emotional affair ? Answer is no .
Male & females can be friends , can offer support to each other it doesn't put it in the realms of emotional affairs . If it does , then I have male friends , an I having lots of affairs ? In my eyes ( and dhs more importantly - no )
An emotional affair is a friendship that takes over your life , maybe chuck in a bit of sweet nothings , sexting , photos maybe .
As far as op had said , they don't meet , and it sound like nothing untoward has happened .

your situation is totally different- the OP has different feelings for this person

It's OP herself who recognises she was having an emotional affair.

Well done for realising what had crept up and stopping it. Now you need to find a way to replace the dopamine hit from the messaging. I don’t have much advice on that. I am feeling a bit bored in a good marriage to a lovely man and we are just trying to carve out fun and not take each other for granted before the rot sets in.

Infidelity is awful. If you’re unhappy with your partner, leave him.

OP, congratulations on recognising what you were doing before it caused any real damage.
Many people end up in situations like these, not with the intention to cheat but maybe out of naivety or boredom. You should be proud of yourself that you stopped it before going any further.
If at all possible, I would consider telling your husband about it. Secrets are a killer for relationships.

I received a message from an old neighbour last summer, a boy I used to play with as a child. We lost touch after his family moved, but I had very fond memories of him. He was reaching out to old friends and we spent some time catching up, realised we had a few shared interests (both musicians) and picked up the friendship where we left off. However, my husband knew about this and was always given the option to tag along any time I made plans with this old friend. My husband was a bit apprehensive about him, but I tend to be a bit more trusting and naive.
At a certain point I realised something was off. He started sharing more and more about his marrital troubles, wanting to see me regularly, being a bit flirty. It wasn't easy talking to my husband about it, because I realised he was right and I had been too trusting. But I decided together with my husband how to handle the situation and ended contact with my old friend.
Something that could have caused a massive problem in my marriage turned out okay, mainly because I was open and upfront about it all, even when I had to admit I had been wrong.

So if at all possible, talk to your husband. Get it off your chest and out in the open. You didn't cheat on him and you walked away. A strong relationship should be able to overcome this. It's better to have to work through the fall-out now than to have a whole part of your life remaining a secret from him.

I think the test is, would I be happy with my husband seeing this conversation/ the frequency in which I spoke to this person. If the answer is no, and you know you have developed feelings for them, it’s an emotional affair.

It’s not clear from your post whether it got this far I.e. the messages were inappropriately intimate or you just realised you enjoyed speaking to him too much and cut him off. One is an emotional affair which you have now ended and the other is a friendship which you could see becoming an affair and nipped it in the bud.

Every time you get the urge to contact your ‘friend’ think about how your husband would feel if he knew and decide whether that conversation would be worth damaging the way your husband feels about you.