Support group for those of us tempted to stray

[PoSYesIKnow]

Firstly can we please keep this polite and without judgement? I can't speak for anyone else but I already feel terrible.

I met a (younger, single) guy on a course last year and we really clicked - we chatted about a fairly niche shared interest and had a great laugh. I wasn't attracted to him, just enjoyed the chatting. At the end of the day we swapped numbers (huge mistake, I know). I have friends of both sexes and didn't feel like there was anything underhand in making a new friend.

You can guess what happened. We haven't seen each other since but we've been chatting non-stop and I've really become attracted to him, perhaps attached even. We haven't met since, but he has wanted to.

The other day it dawned on me that I'm basically having an emotional affair. I had a bit of a breakdown, told him I couldn't continue the friendship and have blocked him.

I'm devastated. It's pathetic but I miss the constant attention. He was clearly very into me and I enjoyed it. I don't know why. My husband is wonderful, very loving and attentive, and we have a great sex life. Perhaps things are a little boring and routine after 10 years of marriage and two small children.

Anyway, the addictive part of my brain is desperate to get back in touch with my "friend". I know I shouldn't, and I (almost) trust myself not to. I feel disgusting for wanting to.

I wouldn't talk to anyone about this in real life, so it helps to write it here. Is anyone else experiencing similar, or has done previously? Really I need a firm hand hold to stop me reigniting the friendship, and it would also help to feel like I'm not alone.

OP hasn’t been unfaithful. As soon as she realised the implications of the contact she stopped. Clearly not unhappy with her parter, otherwise she wouldn’t have applied the brakes.

Such ignorance of the human condition. And such judgment. And men tend to come here for ‘advice’ when it’s gone way beyond an emotional affair. OP hasn’t done anything we’re not all at risk from., An innocent friendship suddenly threatens to turn into something else. The OP shuts it down before that happens and still she’s criticised.

OP, you're a better person than I am. I'm off to see my friend next week. He really is just that but ....

You’ve done the right thing OP but I think you need to examine - really honestly -whether there are issues at home that led you to this emotional affair. Just because your partner is a good dad, loyal, decent, sexy etc etc doesn’t mean there can’t possibly be problems.

You don’t have to be eternally grateful for him if there are actually things that are amiss, it’s ok to admit that you’re not entirely happy in every aspect of the relationship.

I think you’ve got to picture how you’d feel if the boot was the on the other foot and you found out your DH had been messaging a young woman he met in this way. There’s no reason for you to continue this if you value your marriage. Delete and block his number, or alternatively come up with a reason why you are no longer able to reply. But either way. Stop.

She already has. Or did you miss that ?

OP, not sure if you'll be back but I want to give you some support here.
This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. In real life (as opposed to the fantasy that some posters here inhabit) this kind of thing does happen. It doesn't define you.
The best course of action is individual therapy with a therapist you can be 100% honest with to work through this and decide what it means for you.
I was in your shoes many years ago, so I understand. Unfortunately a lot of other posters here have had horrible experiences which I don't downplay, but they don't know where you are coming from. I wish you all the best in finding the right path for you.

I wasn't talking about men who were asking for advice on MN. I was talking about women who started threads on MN because their partner or H was having one of these boundary crossing friendships with another woman that had developed into an emotional affair. And on those type of threads the partner or H is seen as behaving inappropriately and condemned for doing so.

According to OP she wasn't just at risk of the relationship turning into an emotional affair: according to her she realised she was having an emotional affair.

And no, we are not all at risk from having emotional affairs because many, many people are aware of the vows they took and have boundaries in place. So they don't look for validation and emotional support from third parties - they seek these from their partner or H.

Be careful OP, in starting a “support thread” you’ve just given yourself the perfect excuse to keep revisiting it all and continue to talk about him and feed your obsession further.
You’ve done the right thing in ending it, absolutely, but to get past it you need to stop giving this energy and maybe start a thread for women who want to put more time and energy into their husband and marriage, because the grass is always greenest where you water it.
Talk to your husband if you think you’re in a rut and discuss ways of making your lives easier and freeing up time to do more things together. Plan something nice to do for the two of you. Talking about how much you miss your emotional affair partner will make you miss him and obsess more, keep you stuck, not let you get past it and move on.
Time to divert your attention away from this and learn from it.

Thank you all so much. I had a really busy day at work today, which helped to take my mind off things. I've finally had a chance to sit down and digest all of your wonderful replies. Mumsnet really can't be beaten for support sometimes. I now have plenty of food for thought in moving forwards. The whole situation has made me re-evaluate things and consider some options I hadn't thought of myself, such as therapy.

@Thewookiemustgo you are so right! I am going to make a conscious effort to focus on my family instead of this "friend". Every time I think of him, I'm going to counter balance it with a positive thought about my husband and children. Something I really liked about my interactions with this guy was that he looked up to me in a way... My husband definitely respects me, but as an equal. This "friend" seemed to look up to me, perhaps due to the age difference, and I found it flattering. When I picked my little girl up from school today she said "mum, you're the best person in the world" and I just burst into tears... I'm going to think of her sweet little words whenever I get a longing for that Whatsapp notification!! Because what better validation is there than that?

Anyway, I am rambling. Thank you all once again for the support today x

If you need support from MN to tell you that your children are more important than chatting with a guy on WhatsApp then it sounds as though you don't understand what being a parent should be.

Hi OP,

I think you've done the right thing. You sensed that a friendship had potential to pose a risk to your relationship and you protected your relationship.

It's not an easy thing to do if you like this person. But maybe it's easier if you remember that having felt the way you have, it wouldn't be able to go back to a carefree friendship again.

I don't think you need to feel terrible as you made a friend and then stepped away when you realised that it could become something more.

It sounds like you have a lovely husband who you are happy with. You haven't entertained an affair so you have done what needed to be done by cutting the other guy off.

I would also say that it's okay to have the crush. Pushing the feelings away will only give weight to them. I think notice that you find this guy attractive and accept that, then let it go. You found him attractive and so you stepped away. The stepping away was what mattered.

And if her H has "a crush" on another woman is that also OK?
I just don't understand why people get married if they think having " a crush" on other people is part of their relationship.
Perhaps an open relationship might be the way to go .

Why on earth would anyone come into a "support group" thread just to berate people for needing support in the first place? What are you all going to do next, go to a smoking cessation clinic and tell everyone in the waiting room how stupid they are?

I imagine my DH has had a few crushes in the 20 years we have been together, he is only a human being. I have!

Wow, some posters giving you a hard time when you clearly don't deserve it.
Very well done and kudos to you because you did the right thing by blocking this person.
Just focus on your husband and family and it will eventually disappear. It is great news that you don't see him in real life.
I would not rule out sharing this with your husband. If he is supportive enough he should realise he needs to take better care of you.

I’ve been married a very long time and my husband had an affair, so yes, of course I hate the thought of him finding others attractive, but even so, I’d still say that if there’s something ‘wrong’ with just finding other people attractive, then probably everyone in the whole world has been ‘wrong’ at some point.
He wasn’t ‘wrong’ to find somebody else attractive, he was wrong to choose to pursue it whilst married to me. I’ve noticed other people’s attractiveness myself during our marriage, initially his noticing her was just that, but his subsequent choices as to what he did about finding her attractive were very wrong indeed.
I’m married, not blind or dead or a nun. (And I’ll eat my hat if nuns don’t find other people attractive at some point in their lives.)
The crucial thing is how we handle it, if we have to interact with somebody we are attracted to, (eg work etc) or whether or not we choose to interact at all with somebody we find attractive whom we don’t need to interact with.
Commitment is a choice that married people, or anybody in a committed exclusive relationship has to make every day. We choose it.
We either choose to respect our relationship, our partner and keep the promises we made, or we don’t.
It really is a black and white simple choice, no matter how many times people leap up and down and twist themselves into a pretzel to excuse it, by saying it’s not that simple, it’s more complicated than that, or more nuanced or cite any number of ‘grey’ areas there are about complex human individuals and situations. There are as many different permutations of all that as there are stars in the sky.
The simple truth is that if it gets to the crossroads moment, the “do I or don’t I?” moment, being faithful and respectful to our relationships, significant others in our life and ourselves, is entirely dependent on our desire and ability in that moment to say ‘no’.

I don't understand adults having " crushes". I thought having a "crushes " were what school children and adolescents had.
I take it if you and your DH are OK with each other having romantic feelings about 3rd parties you don't take the " forsaking all others " part of the wedding vows seriously.

I’ve found myself in very similar circumstances after 20 years of marriage. I’ve NEVER been tempted or even had a crush on anyone else in all that time even when presented with the opportunity but over the last few months I found myself getting closer to a work colleague until I realised it had crossed into an inappropriate situation.

Fortunately due to work circumstances we no longer work together, and although I’d like to say I’ve done the right thing and ended contact, it’s more a case of it fading away naturally rather than any moral instinct kicking in.

I’m self-aware enough to recognise that for me the temptation arose because of problems already within my marriage and that the emotional affair was simply filling a gap I felt I was missing, but obviously at the time I convinced myself it was special.

I genuinely never thought I would be in this position and having to process these feelings. and it really caught me out. I’m trying to get myself onto a steady footing so I can start to begin the process of talking to my husband to discuss the problems we’re having, but it’s tough when it feels like you’re the only person making an effort.

Oh do give it a rest.
Congratulations on being so perfect, and never even so much as looking sideways at anyone else ever. Very well done.

If you actually read the OPs posts, she has forsaken all others. She is looking for support, not criticism and judgement.

Why would you come onto a thread like this to try and make her feel worse? 🙄