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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife wants me out of the house, divorce

51 replies

Boglehead · 10/03/2025 22:51

My wife wants a divorce and for me to leave. We have 4 teens. I pay all the bills and the mortgage, I don’t drink, am not abusive nor have I had an affair or porn addiction.

She travels with her job as a pilot and is away for two or three nights a week in the US. This has been going on now 15 years. She won’t leave her job and chooses this US pattern. I’m sure some of you will chime in that she’s having an affair for which I have seen no evidence.

I am a home worker and am with the children 24 x 7 all year, every year.

While her salary is good I earn 3 times what she earns.

I feel aggrieved about her aggressive approach and will petition for her to leave our house as I feel the traditional roles are reversed here.

Do the courts automatically assume the mother should stay in the family home? Given her job could I possibly win my case?

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 11/03/2025 08:01

How can she do 50/50 when she isn't at home for a lot of the time.

Op is primary caregiver. Depending on age of teens could end up with more kids time and assets, although with a very high salary this may be evened out to closer to 50/50 asset split. Both are on high salaries so won't suffer.

Op has a good case to stay in the house with the kids.

HappiestSleeping · 11/03/2025 08:03

Fuuuuuckit · 11/03/2025 07:12

They are if they're flying transatlantic routes...

Show quote history

I guess it depends on reference point. Some airlines pay as "little" as 50k for long haul pilots, so it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that the OP is on 150k working from home.

Bittenonce · 11/03/2025 13:03

CandidHedgehog · 11/03/2025 06:58

No it won’t - as many cheated on women on Mumsnet have found out, the courts couldn’t care less about affairs.

Show quote history

Correct! Infidelity has no bearing on asset split or on custody.
Think you need to do some serious maths on the asset split - cash, house, pensions - so you can work out what the realistic options are for you to retain the house. And talk with her about it. If you can reach an agreement it will be a zillion times quicker, cheaper, easier than if you need lawyers and courts.

whathaveiforgotten · 11/03/2025 13:19

K8ate · 11/03/2025 06:41

No evidence isn’t the same as she isn’t!

I’m sure it would be quite easy to keep an affair secret with her being away a few nights a week in a different country.

It may be worthwhile trying to dig a bit deeper into this especially as it will help in your favour if it does go through Court.

Edited

The courts don't take into account affairs at all.

whathaveiforgotten · 11/03/2025 13:24

@YesHonestly

It reads like the OP lives in the US.

No it doesn't?

"She travels with her job as a pilot and is away for two or three nights a week in the US. This has been going on now 15 years. She won’t leave her job and chooses this US pattern."

Meadowfinch · 11/03/2025 13:36

If you own the house jointly (in England & Wales) and there has been no abuse, then you both have the right to stay in the house.

The easiest way to resolve this is for your wife to go to court and force the sale of the house. She is entitled to extract her half.

Or you could pre-empt all the nastiness and legal fees, and buy her out. That way you can stay in the house, she can start again elsewhere, and your children are old enough to decide where they live, for themselves.

Better to do it all calmly and amicably. Your dcs don't want to live in a war zone.

BudgetBuster · 11/03/2025 13:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Boglehead · 11/03/2025 14:02

We live in the UK. Usual reasons for divorce, falling out of love, I don’t listen. Financially controlling (I pay all the bills). She’s actually very abusive and critical of me and my relationship with my parents who I see once a week for an hour.

It’s all very bizarre and I suspect a deep personal unhappiness and I’m her punch bag. Shes closed down and there’s no talking to her. I also feel her friends are advising her to seek a divorce. She has talked of Divorce Coach TikTok influencers, I personally feel these have had a negative impact on her ability to reason.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 11/03/2025 16:43

You need some legal advice in that case. Can you afford to buy her out if the kids want to stay in the house with you?

justasking111 · 11/03/2025 17:03

You really need legal advice. You do pay the mortgage already and all the bills. So hopefully you can stay in the house for the time being for the children's sake. The solicitor can be a great help at this stage.

I presume because your wife is away half the week it will be shared custody at the most.

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 22:56

Oops wrong thread.

BunnyRuddington · 15/03/2025 23:11

I’m really sorry OP. From what you’ve said there is absolutely no salvaging your marriage. It sounds as though she’s determined to Divorce. Has she started the proceedings yet? I’m sorry if you’ve already explained that bit Flowers

TooBigForMyBoots · 15/03/2025 23:24

She wants to divorce you. She's looked for help on how to do it.

Your marriage is over @Boglehead. Time for you to work on making the divorce as easy for your children as possible.

CandidHedgehog · 16/03/2025 07:50

You need a good solicitor.

To use the language of online advice columnists, she is no longer ‘Team You’. She doesn’t need to be an enemy but you need to recognise that a ‘good’ outcome for you (and possibly the children) may not be a ‘good’ outcome for her so she is at least your opponent.

I agree you shouldn’t leave the house - at the moment you seem to be at least a joint if not the primary carer for the children. If you leave, she may be able to argue she is sole carer. However, I’m not a divorce lawyer. If your actual lawyer tells you I’m wrong, you need to follow his / her advice!

olympicsrock · 16/03/2025 07:55

You need to see a solicitor. Don’t leave the house if you don’t want to. She can leave if she wants to be separate.
It sounds sensible to divorce as you don’t like each other any more and split your assets. She may accept that the kids live with you most of the time or it may be 50/50. The kids will have a large say in where they want to be.

Ughn0tryte · 16/03/2025 08:27

How does that even work if that's your place of employment - wfh?
Isn't she risking your career with no place to work as well as no home if she pushes this?

Tgfh · 16/03/2025 08:33

You need legal advice asap and proof of her regular absence through work.
The marriage sounds over, now you need to focus on proving you have been primary carer for your children.
Focus on that.

category12 · 16/03/2025 08:33

Boglehead · 11/03/2025 14:02

We live in the UK. Usual reasons for divorce, falling out of love, I don’t listen. Financially controlling (I pay all the bills). She’s actually very abusive and critical of me and my relationship with my parents who I see once a week for an hour.

It’s all very bizarre and I suspect a deep personal unhappiness and I’m her punch bag. Shes closed down and there’s no talking to her. I also feel her friends are advising her to seek a divorce. She has talked of Divorce Coach TikTok influencers, I personally feel these have had a negative impact on her ability to reason.

Well, if she's that awful, it's good news that she wants a divorce.

Consider mediation to sort out what happens next. You need to put the kids' interests first here.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/03/2025 08:37

Her reasons just don't matter. Don't make it worse than it needs to be by arguing about it. You don't sound heartbroken to be fair so just get practical about it.

Don't move out, start working out finances/childcare split etc.

Loloj · 16/03/2025 09:10

You’ve already created another thread on this where your wording is completely different? This seems like a re-write which puts you in a better light. Your previous thread you were quite dismissive of your wife’s feelings and seemed more bothered that you had “important meetings” to attend rather than trying to save your marriage.

Diningtableornot · 16/03/2025 09:16

K8ate · 11/03/2025 06:41

No evidence isn’t the same as she isn’t!

I’m sure it would be quite easy to keep an affair secret with her being away a few nights a week in a different country.

It may be worthwhile trying to dig a bit deeper into this especially as it will help in your favour if it does go through Court.

Edited

In the UK I don’t think it would make any difference who was or was not having an affair. The couple would be encouraged to work out a split of assets and care and accommodation for the children. If they failed to do this, the court would decide. It’s not about who is right or wrong.

SwitchingOver · 16/03/2025 09:20

The court will look to arrange the least disruption to the children and as teens their views will be considered. Bear in mind anyone over 18 will not be included in the family law side quite the same way as they’re now adults, though for them to prematurely move out of home will impact younger DC.

When I divorced it was expected both parties would stay in the home until the financial remedy was agreed. It was hard living with the enemy but it was more acrimonious than you sound, and her working away half the week will really help that.

you can afford a good lawyer, so that’s my best advice.

Viviennemary · 16/03/2025 09:23

Don't move out. That will automatically put you in a weaker position. Tell her to move out. There is no reason why she can't.

category12 · 16/03/2025 09:26

Loloj · 16/03/2025 09:10

You’ve already created another thread on this where your wording is completely different? This seems like a re-write which puts you in a better light. Your previous thread you were quite dismissive of your wife’s feelings and seemed more bothered that you had “important meetings” to attend rather than trying to save your marriage.

No, this is the older thread. He's probably just after stirring us up.

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