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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I get my partner to be brave and be honest?

44 replies

Zabeburr · 10/03/2025 13:25

I've been married for 27 years. My partner is not interested in sex at all or any kind of intimacy. When I've tried to raise it, he says 'it's not just down to me', except I think it is because he knows how much I want , and have always wanted, intimacy. I got to the point where I felt embarrassed knowing it was only me that wanted sex. Once the kids got past 5 years old he was reluctant. (We have 3) Felt self conscious. He had an affair ( albeit briefly) twenty years ago but we had counseling afterwards and worked hard to get close again. He was never one to chase me round the bed and perhaps I was a bit selfish because I was never one to lay down and think of England type thing.

We had a weekend away last year and a trip to the chemist was needed ( viagra) and that has put the nail in the coffin for me. He obviously doesn't 'feel it' anymore and I wouldn't mind , if he was just honest. He never wants to talk about any issues we have and I feel like I'm being mardy or nagging if I say we should talk about the relationship.
We generally have a lot of fun and make each laugh but I am fundamentally unhappy. I want to feel treasured and adored - as I'm sure he does too. I've tried to 'entice him' (😬) in the past by getting fit, getting trim... whatever... I am a bit out of condition now ( as is he!) but surely it can't be just that? I honestly feel that the spark went after we had our first child. I'm so sad but also quite lonely really. He just can't be honest with me. I love him, he's lovely, but I think we have come to the end of the road and wish we could just face it together. Am I expecting too much after so many years? Thank you for reading. 😞

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 10/03/2025 13:32

I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't want sex with you.
He had an affair which presumably involved sex.

If it's been this way for years, it is unlikely to change.

BarneyRonson · 10/03/2025 13:38

Brave and honest? About his lack of sexual attraction toward you? I guess you could say “I deduce you don’t fancy me” and give him a multi choice response list on a piece of paper and ask him to tick one.
a) I don’t like you sexually
b) I don’t like anyone sexually
c) I’m gay
d) I’m only turned on by furry animal costumes, please help.

Squeakpopcorn · 10/03/2025 13:42

E) I’m old and have a health issue which makes it difficult to get it up

FidosMum84 · 10/03/2025 14:12

You can’t make another person do anything by hounding them. And given your reaction to the viagra I’m guessing it’s a lot of pressure on him, that you’re only adding to.
Your exasperation is clear in your post and likely to him, which is probably only putting him off more. Maybe it’s not what you’re saying but how you’re saying it?
If you’ve tried counselling before then that’s the only option to see if you can work through this together.

Trumptonagain · 10/03/2025 14:17

Squeakpopcorn · 10/03/2025 13:42

E) I’m old and have a health issue which makes it difficult to get it up

Could be a correct reason but this is a man not wanting sex so no sensible answers please, leaves no room for the he's just not into you/he's having a affair accusations.

tarheelbaby · 10/03/2025 14:20

Which is the bigger issue: lack of sex for you or lack of engagement and quality time together?

Lots of couples/people reach a point where they're not that fussed about sex but happy couples enjoy spending time together doing things they enjoy. Does he enjoy your company? Does he plan things for you to do together? Do you have to have sex or is that you want more emotional intimacy?

I guess you have to decide whether to roll the dice and hope you find a man whose company you enjoy who will also shag you regularly.

Original poster
Zabeburr · 10/03/2025 15:24

I have never 'hounded him' - please be kind. I am devastated by his rejection of me. I didn't expect such brutal responses tbh. 😞

OP posts:
Rawnotblended · 10/03/2025 15:27

I feel for you. But 27 years less the time it was when the kids were little, is a long time to stay rejected. He isn’t going to shape up. This is as good as it gets.

Maitri108 · 10/03/2025 15:34

From the sounds of it he's never been particularly into sex. I'm not sure what there's to discuss after nearly 30 years as his behaviour speaks for itself.

This relationship isn't working for you as he doesn't want to meet your needs, compromise or communicate. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking in general.

If you want to stay, you need to accept that he's not going to change.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/03/2025 15:38

Sit him down and say you love him, but sex is important to you.

Say that you can't live your life knowing you'll never have it again, but you respect if he isn't wanting to.

Consent is consent and we cannot coerce or guilt someone into it.

You are however within your rights to suggest ethical non monogamy with agreed upon rules and boundaries.

If he won't accept ENM then it is up to you to decide whether you can live without sex. If you can't, leave.

It is a perfectly valid thing to want, and it perfectly valid for him not to want.

Although it is devastating, it does sound to me as though he loves you but isn't interested sexually.

You don't have to live your life unfulfilled, that isn't fair.

Time for an open, honest chat and for YOU to be brave enough to go ahead with what is decided.

Also, stop trying to change yourself... You deserve someone to fancy the pants off of you. You deserve that feeling as a woman to be sexually desired just as you are.

The problem lies with him not wanting sex, not you not having the "perfect" body.

ItGhoul · 10/03/2025 15:43

He obviously doesn't have a very high sex drive, especially now that he's older, and I would imagine he dreads the pressure of having to 'perform'. It sounds like he's already being pretty honest with you. If the lack of anything physical is bothering you a lot, you probably do need to end the relationship unfortunately.

Rivari · 10/03/2025 15:47

OP I've no advice but I'm following as I'm in a similar situation, minus the affair. It's awful, I honestly think the only answer is to split up but that's very hard financially.

pippy1958 · 10/03/2025 15:52

Hello, so sorry for how you are feeling, and astonished at the lack of empathy from other posters. I am in a very similar position, partner who is lovely but no sex due to medical issue (mainly self-inflicted due to lifestyle). It’s a real rock and a hard place position, but separation fills me with dread and money worries as well as upset to children, but they are adults. I’d try the counselling route again if you can muster up the enthusiasm!

Original poster
Zabeburr · 10/03/2025 15:55

Thanks for these messages. I am struggling with the emotions and it makes me sad that he doesn't want to talk anymore. He has openly apologised for not 'wanting to discuss it' but that just leaves me high and dry. I am very scared. I have brought up 3 children and cared for his mum for many years and just tried to do my best but it never seems enough.

OP posts:
MelonUsk · 10/03/2025 16:02

It's not you.
It's him.

Marshbird · 10/03/2025 16:04

Zabeburr · 10/03/2025 15:24

I have never 'hounded him' - please be kind. I am devastated by his rejection of me. I didn't expect such brutal responses tbh. 😞

First rule of MN, if this is emotionally difficult for you do NOT post on AIBU.

AIBU tends to bring out the worst posters, trying to criticise you, question you amd are brutal, and can be extremely upsetting if it is something that is already hard for you. In fairness, it’s what the board is- a chance for people to judge you based on AIBU?

get MN to move post to a sensible dull board around “relationships” for instance where you’ll have more discussion and less “yes you are being unreasonable” or “ no you not”

5128gap · 10/03/2025 16:08

If he won't discuss it, and tbf, no amount of discussion is going to make him want sex he doesnt want, then he perhaps just needs to sit there and listen to you telling him that you don't want to spend the rest of your life not having sex. So, if he doesn't want sex, while you respect his choice, it does mean you need to consider options, which for you are either ending the relationship or opening up the marriage. Then see what he says.

It's important if you say this though that you mean it. As neither option is great or an easy road to travel. For this reason many people put up with sexless marriages. So do be sure what you want.

Pamspeople · 10/03/2025 16:14

"My partner is not interested in sex or any kind of intimacy" - it sounds like you know exactly how he feels, OP. It is now up to you to decide if you can live with this or not. Perhaps wanting him to talk about it more is a way of avoiding the choice that you have to make? Not an easy choice at all, but it might be you who now needs to be brave and honest.

Original poster
Zabeburr · 10/03/2025 16:27

Ah - I have never posted before. That was a bit naive of me. How do I get them to shift it from AIBU to a different section? I didn't realise - was being impulsive.

OP posts:
Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 10/03/2025 16:32

I’m not sure what you are hoping for with the post. You know you’re not unreasonable…. But he isn’t either.
Talking isn’t going to make him hop into bed with you. I don’t think you’re looking for advice on how to make him talk to you or how to make him want to have sex. Want are you wanting from the thread?

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2025 16:34

Is he impotent and mortified? Could there be a medical reason?

Would he agree to a mot health check. You could both go.

Rawnotblended · 10/03/2025 16:39

He doesn’t want to discuss it because he doesn’t want to even TALK about fixing it never mind actually acting on it. Please see his behaviour. SEE it. He is telling you exactly what’s important to him - and it doesn’t involve your sex life.

OP loads of people split up and then meet someone else. There is no reason that you won’t either.

Jade520 · 10/03/2025 17:03

I think you should have left after the affair OP, you're working extremely hard to make this work and he just doesn't seem to be. It sounds like he thinks you're nice enough and useful enough to keep around - but it doesn't go any further than that.
It's been like this for years so I wouldn't expect anything to change. You either need to stay and find a way to be ok with this or you need to leave, I don't think there are really any other options.

Boomer55 · 10/03/2025 17:06

If he’s got physical issues, and needs Viagra, it’s nothing to do with how he feels about you. You need to talk - together

bettydavieseyes · 10/03/2025 17:11

Pamspeople · 10/03/2025 16:14

"My partner is not interested in sex or any kind of intimacy" - it sounds like you know exactly how he feels, OP. It is now up to you to decide if you can live with this or not. Perhaps wanting him to talk about it more is a way of avoiding the choice that you have to make? Not an easy choice at all, but it might be you who now needs to be brave and honest.

This